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> Frustrated Singles
anna k
post Dec 8 2009, 10:55 PM
Post #61


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I felt better, more refreshed. I still felt bad at times feeling lonely, but two of my friends are feeling down about things in their lives, so it made me feel less lonely, like I'm not the only person down. I felt happy fact-checking an article for work, going to dance class and relaxing and having fun, feeling strong and formidable while working out, and talking to a couple of good friends of mine today.

The drink date sounds good. More low-key and nice. It's weird. I can feel really confident and beautiful and self-assured, yet approaching someone I find attractive, I just keep to myself and feel like I'm a dork.

Persi, I'm glad that the waiter was so knowing and so sympathetic to you on that date. Kudos to you for getting through it.
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thepointybird
post Dec 8 2009, 08:05 PM
Post #62


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Hahaaa AP, talk about taking a lemon and making it into Spanish Fly!
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auralpoison
post Dec 8 2009, 07:18 PM
Post #63


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Coffee. I was a big fan of the coffee date. It's not protracted like a dinner date & there's no risk of you or your date imbibing too much & showing ass.

Of course, last coffee date I went on the guy was such an ass that I walked out with the cute barista's number.


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Persiflager
post Dec 8 2009, 03:34 PM
Post #64


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*derail*

I once made the mistake of going on a dinner date with someone I met online. He was nice enough, but I knew before we sat down that it wasn't going to go anywhere. I knew it, and the waiter knew it (I could see the sympathy in his eyes everytime he topped up my glass). My date did not know it, and was shocked when I didn't want to meet up again.

Long, painful dinner. Thank you, Mr Waiter, and your frequent top-ups for helping me get through it. rolleyes.gif

*re-rail*


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“Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.”
Morris Kline (mathematician, author) 1908-1992
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thepointybird
post Dec 8 2009, 10:17 AM
Post #65


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QUOTE(Persiflager @ Dec 8 2009, 07:11 AM) *
Given that we're a drunken nation, I find drinks a lower-risk option than dinner as they're not so obviously romantic.

Oh definitely, I would petrified to have to sit across from someone for a whole meal, what if you ran out of stuff to talk about? Awkward! I dunno, I think I'd just feel like I was at a job intervie or something. Drinks is much easier and more mellow, and you can always cut it short if you're not feeling any vibes.
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Persiflager
post Dec 8 2009, 02:11 AM
Post #66


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Pointy, as a fellow Brit I agree with you on the dating thing. It's a bit different in London as we're more of a mixed bag regarding nationalities, but still most people that I know have gone on 'dates' have met online.

That said, I am very much pro-dating! It's really nice to be upfront about being interested in someone, without having created any great expectations. If I met someone I like through friends or at an event, I'd ask him out for a drink. It's low-key - I might just be interested as friends, or I might be madly in love with him, but all he knows for certain is that I'm thirsty and that I enjoy his company. I wouldn't often use the word 'date', but I would actively make opportunities to spend time alone with him and get to know him better.

Given that we're a drunken nation, I find drinks a lower-risk option than dinner as they're not so obviously romantic.

(((anna k)))

This post has been edited by Persiflager: Dec 8 2009, 02:12 AM


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anna k
post Dec 7 2009, 11:20 PM
Post #67


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Today I felt down, because I found out that my former FWB is now seeing someone, and I felt sad for myself being single, as if I hadn't had any luck. I've mostly dated guys who were kind of nerdy and artsy, and nice to know as friends, but couldn't feel a physical interest in. I've felt intimidated to talk to guys who I really found attractive, like they'd think I was nerdy or shy. It doesn't have to be about dating, it can be friendship, but I get self-doubt and prefer to stay quiet and hang back. Like if I see a good-looking guy on the train sitting near me, I can't smile and flirt with him. Or in the boxing area at the gym I go to, I've seen a nice-looking guy look at me a few times when I walk in, but I don't smile at him, I just nod a little then sit down to read until a class would start. I would just want to do my own thing and not bother anyone and keep to myself.

I've felt this year I came a long way in building confidence and growing up, but I didn't realize I was in the same dating rut and wondered why I wasn't having any luck. I don't really feel serious about dating, but want to feel better about approaching people I actually find attractive who aren't my usual "safe" friend choices. It would make me feel more open and confident and happier, not in pursuits of dating, but in overcoming a mental block.

Pointy and rogue, I completely agree with you. I can't flirt with the men I like, think they won't want to talk to me, and think that if they want to talk to me they will.
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thepointybird
post Dec 7 2009, 06:09 AM
Post #68


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QUOTE(stargazer @ Dec 6 2009, 04:35 PM) *
As for cultural differences between the US and the UK, I'm not sure what your assumption is about dating here. It usually starts out with either drinks, coffee, or, dinner. Actually, I take that back...it usually starts with emails and/or phonecalls...then, the drinks, coffee, or dinner.

I think it's more a case of here in the UK, we're not really into 'dating' as such, almost everyone I know's relationship started from meeting at a club/bar/gig when both parties were out with mutual friends and sort of hooking up at the end of the night - this either happened a few times then fizzled or else just developed into a relationship. we seem to skip over the whole getting-to-know each other over drinks/dinner/coffee first stage. Admittedly this could just be my friends, and obviously the whole online dating thing has made going an actual dates a lot more common!
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flanker_ji
post Dec 6 2009, 10:57 PM
Post #69


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I think time off from dating can be really important, and I like reading others that have made the same decision too.

That being said, I'd like to recommend the book Make Every Man Want You by Marie Forleo to pointy, rouge, and anyone else who's interested. The title is silly, and the book is about way more than that. My therapist gave it to me to read, and she makes some simple yet amazing points on all things that tie into your dating life.

I think you'd be able to find answers to everything you're concerned about if you read the book. I know I did, and the way I felt about the dating world changed for the better. I've been in a relationship with a wonderful guy for the past eight months (BTW, I flirted with him for months so he'd know I was interested, and I was the one that handed over a number first. And he's confessed that he would've asked me out way sooner if he'd had the balls to - long story there).


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stargazer
post Dec 6 2009, 12:08 PM
Post #70


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QUOTE(go_kayte @ Dec 6 2009, 12:42 PM) *
.. but it's hard, when you meet someone and you feel the click, to not slip into that...


I agree, go_kayte. Having spent this past year reflecting and journaling about what I want for myself and in a partner, I need to apply the things I've been working on. I find that in the past when I had that feeling, that my mind would rush to a place of how things "should be", forcing something (whatever it was) to happen, and then feeling disappointed/confused about the outcome. So, yeah, it is a slippery slope, but, I think I'm ready to apply that stuff to dating now. Notice my hesitation. Heh.

And yup, I do live near the big city that you live in, go_kayte. wink.gif


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go_kayte
post Dec 6 2009, 11:42 AM
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Pointybird, I don't usually wait for someone to approach me, also I am very social (live in a big city - and if I remember correctly so does stargazer) so I meet a lot of new guys n gals. But they are the wrong ones, for me. I am pansexual and genderqueer and i feel like most of the people i date want me to play the part they see for me and there's not enough space for me to be me. I can play the parts, and sometimes do, but it's not worth it; it's not a sustainable arrangement. That's why i feel i need to do some work, firm up the shores of my personality, before I start dating again.. but it's hard, when you meet someone and you feel the click, to not slip into that...
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stargazer
post Dec 6 2009, 11:35 AM
Post #72


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QUOTE(thepointybird @ Dec 5 2009, 10:09 PM) *
Stargazer and Go_Kayte, you are both talking about making a concious choice NOT to date. Do you guys find yourself getting asked out on dates/meeting guys that you want to ask out so often that you have to actually make an effort NOT to do it? That just blows me away!


Pointy, I didn't make this decision only to have men coming out of the woodworks asking me out and I'm flinging them off left and right. I just stopped pursuing/looking for men to date either through online sites and/or when I went out by myself or with friends. I just stopped looking, plain and simple.

QUOTE
Again, I know this could be a cultural thing, but I the last time a guy actually asked me out (aside from the aforementioned pub patrons and married men) was in 2005. I just do not have men approach me, ever.


This past year, I did have a someone (a friend of a friend) ask me out. We went on a couple of dates, but, I just wasn't feeling it, in fact, I wasn't feeling it after our first phonecall. The point is that I was able to end things with him on a good note. In the past, I would just date someone I was not really into until things dissolved where neither one of us were calling each other. I didn't have the nerve to tell him that "I was just not into him."

As for cultural differences between the US and the UK, I'm not sure what your assumption is about dating here. It usually starts out with either drinks, coffee, or, dinner. Actually, I take that back...it usually starts with emails and/or phonecalls...then, the drinks, coffee, or dinner.


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stargazer
post Dec 6 2009, 11:34 AM
Post #73


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QUOTE(thepointybird @ Dec 5 2009, 10:09 PM) *
Stargazer and Go_Kayte, you are both talking about making a concious choice NOT to date. Do you guys find yourself getting asked out on dates/meeting guys that you want to ask out so often that you have to actually make an effort NOT to do it? That just blows me away!


Pointy, I didn't make this decision only to have men coming out of the woodworks asking me out and I'm flinging them off left and right. I just stopped pursuing/looking for men to date either through online sites and/or when I went out by myself or with friends. I just stopped looking, plain and simple.

QUOTE
Again, I know this could be a cultural thing, but I the last time a guy actually asked me out (aside from the aforementioned pub patrons and married men) was in 2005. I just do not have men approach me, ever.


This past year, I did have a someone (a friend of a friend) ask me out. We went on a couple of dates, but, I just wasn't feeling it, in fact, I wasn't feeling it after our first phonecall. The point is that I was able to end things with him on a good note. In the past, I would just date someone I was not really into until things dissolved where neither one of us were calling each other. I didn't have the nerve to tell him that "I was just not into him."

As for cultural differences between the US and the UK, I'm not sure what your assumption is about dating here. It usually starts out with either drinks, coffee, or, dinner. Actually, I take that back...it usually starts with emails and/or phonecalls...then, the drinks, coffee, or dinner.


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thepointybird
post Dec 5 2009, 09:09 PM
Post #74


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Just to get back slightly to something I picked up on in my earlier post - Stargazer and Go_Kayte, you are both talking about making a concious choice NOT to date. Do you guys find yourself getting asked out on dates/meeting guys that you want to ask out so often that you have to actually make an effort NOT to do it? That just blows me away! Again, I know this could be a cultural thing, but I the last time a guy actually asked me out (aside from the aforementioned pub patrons and married men) was in 2005. I just do not have men approach me, ever. Since I broke up with my ex a year ago (that relationship evolved from a long friendship after some well-intentioned meddling on the behalf of a mutual friend, in case you're wondering!), I have had exactly one drunken hook-up and one 'for old time's sake' hook-up' (with the 2005 guy when he was back in town!) Aside from that, nada. Zero interest at all. Admittedly I hardly ever meet anyone new, which may be part of the problem....
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stargazer
post Dec 5 2009, 04:20 PM
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QUOTE(go_kayte @ Dec 4 2009, 02:10 PM) *
stargazer, i really admire you for working on yourself and sticking to your guns. I feel like it would be a good idea for me to do something like that. I was in an 8 year relationship that ended last fall and have dated what seems like a ridiculous number of people since then (6 or 7 i think). There were two people in there that seemed like an actual relationship was building but I wasn't ready for that in either case and got scared; it just ended up making me feel worse.

Not dating seems like a difficult habit to break. But hey, I quit smoking, can't be much harder than that...


Um, thanks kayte. :blushes: Sometimes, I think some of the things I do are a tad bit odd and off center so it feels good to get recognition for the positive changes I'm making in my life. In regards to taking a break from dating, I think we take so many risks with our lives, even with the people we date who we know are not good for us, that I feel choosing to not date for a time can be just as radical.

And while I enjoy my singledom for the most part (traveling alone is terribly empowering), I will admit I have been frustrated about being single. Can one be happy and frustrated? Oh wait, it's called a range of feelings. Ha!


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go_kayte
post Dec 4 2009, 01:10 PM
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Ooof.. hugs to you frustrated *(or not)* single girls..

stargazer, i really admire you for working on yourself and sticking to your guns. I feel like it would be a good idea for me to do something like that. I was in an 8 year relationship that ended last fall and have dated what seems like a ridiculous number of people since then (6 or 7 i think). There were two people in there that seemed like an actual relationship was building but I wasn't ready for that in either case and got scared; it just ended up making me feel worse.

Not dating seems like a difficult habit to break. But hey, I quit smoking, can't be much harder than that...
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rogue
post Nov 30 2009, 08:05 AM
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Pointy, I feel the exact same way that you do about everything. I can't really flirt with the men I'm interested in and I always think that a guy will be attached or uninterested in me. Strange, but true. I know that it's hard for me to meet men too because - and I take 100% responsibility and ownership of this - I won't approach a man. This is because of what's happened to me in the past - any time I approach a guy it turns out to be a big mistake in the end. I pursue all the wrong kinds of men. Bad, bad men. And for once I would like to be pursued - I see no reason why if a man is interested he shouldn't approach me first. I find that these days men either don't have the balls to approach a women (because I know that women can be very intimidating at times) or they are too lazy and expect her to do all the work. That might sound harsh but that's just how I see things. I also get very nervous when it comes to approaching someone so I tend to avoid that at all costs. It's a vicious cycle.

And! As I mentioned in the singledom thread, I also have the issue with married/otherwise attached men approaching me. A guy that I used to date three years ago for a month (who has been with his GF for two years now) propositions me all the time, to the point where I want to message his GF and be like, "This man is a dog, get rid of him!" but it's definitely not my place to do that. I just hate seeing men undermining women like that. He tells me that "she would never know" if we fooled around but I told him that I would know and I would never, ever do that to another woman. A woman did that to my mother and it ended my family as I knew it when I was four years old. I know that it's partly my father's fault as well (it takes two to tango, after all) but if she had some self-respect she wouldn't have had an affair with a married man, which is why a part of me will always hate my stepmother (and father). Anyway! I also have a married man (whose wife is a really, really good friend of mine!) telling me constantly that he is attracted to me and if he wasn't married to her he would be after me. This is unacceptable to me and puts me in a really uncomfortable place. I barely talk to him anymore because of it. He says really sexually inappropriate things to me as well, and I hate it.

Ugh. I hope I didn't detrail here. I just need to rant. I'm super frustrated with my dating life right now - I can't figure out whether or not I want to date so I just keep myself single, but the indecision is driving me batty.


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thepointybird
post Nov 27 2009, 05:24 PM
Post #78


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Thanks all. Your feedback is really welcome and interesting. Stargazer, I have been trying to work to overcome the whole shyness thing. If I see or meet boys who I find cute, I normally don't approach them at all. I find it difficult to even make eye contact. My immediate assumption is that he won't be single, followed up by the assumption that he just won't be interested. It's weird because I feel fairly confident in other areas of life, but I just can't seem to make that leap. It's also ironic because everyone thinks of me a super-flirtatious, problem is I can only flirt with men that I'm not interested in! I need to work on that for sure. I'm moving to the other end of the country in the New Year, no-one really knows me there so perhaps I just need to take the plunge and ask some cutie if he wants to get a drink or see a film or something.

Also - I have this very weird thing going on that is starting to freak me out a little bit (just posted about it in Crackbook for those of you who know me there). Married or otherwise attached men seem to keep making a real beeline for me. Today at work (I'm a barmaid), a 50yo-ish man slipped me his phone number whilst he was in the pub with his wife and mother-in-law! Also, a married colleague is being a bit too full-on flirty just now, and I've had various married men that I've met or known try it on over the last few years. I'd love to know what it is about me that seems to scream "bit on the side" to men so that I could change it immediately!
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Persiflager
post Nov 27 2009, 04:54 AM
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Don't worry pointy, I didn't feel attacked - I just wanted to make sure I wasn't speaking out of turn.

When I say "you haven't met the right one yet!", I mean "I know of no obvious reasons why people would find you unattractive!". It's a stock phrase for when I can't find anything constructive to say because there's honestly nothing wrong with the person - they just haven't got lucky yet, and I don't want them to blame themselves and lose confidence.

As a fellow Brit, I don't find dating that common (though more so now I live in London). I went on a few dates the last time I was single, but they were generally on the borderline of date/platonic friends hanging out. If I liked someone, I asked them if they wanted to grab a drink or see an exhibition, and we generally had fun even if it didn't go anywhere. If I didn't feel comfortable asking them solo, I'd include them on a group invite.


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stargazer
post Nov 26 2009, 04:22 PM
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Pointybird, I hope your venting in this thread will help you find clarity in your dating life. I've been following the discussions in this thread lately. As a single woman myself, I identified with a lot of things you have posted in this thread. I hope some of my feedback can be helpful for you.

QUOTE(thepointybird @ Nov 25 2009, 05:29 PM) *
Also, it's interesting to read everyone here talking about how they aren't dating because they just don't feel up to it at the minute etc. Is no-one else, like me, simply not dating because they never meet anyone they are even remotely interested in?


I made the decision to not date for 2009. I think I posted that somewhere in the Lounge at the beginning of the year. I used this past year to reflect on my own patterns in my dating life and the choices I was making in the men I was dating in my 20s/early 30s. Interestingly, I was aware of some of these patterns back in 2004, but, I was not ready to accept the changes I needed to make in myself, my relationships, and with men until this year.

I just realized I was unhappy with the men I was meeting and the ones I chose to date in my life. So, I did some work around these issues because venting got old for me and I'm sure tired out my friends with my constant complaining. I had to put my big girl pants on and work on becoming the woman I want to be so I can meet a good man. Hasn't happened yet, but, I work on staying open.

QUOTE
(Not that I'd actually ask someone out anyway, as I'm pretty cripplingly shy around men that I'm attracted to, unless I'm drunk, which throws up new issues of its own!)


This issue might be something you might want to reflect on for yourself. Now, my belief that a person has to look at one's own issues is not always welcomed in the Lounge for whatever reason. If you find yourself in this vicious cycle with dating, looking at oneself isn't the worst thing in the world.

QUOTE
It's just that the stock responses that I get from anyone in real life when I mention being pissed off at my single status are either "it'll happen when you least expect it!" or "you have to get pro-active, put yourself out there more". Which seem to kind of contradict one another somewhat!


You know, while I am single at the moment, I consider these 2 statements to be very true. CC_girl made a great point about how you can tell people who date with an agenda, namely, to meet the one and settle down. The desperation reeks like a bad perfume. Confidence is very attractive as well as enjoying one's life through various experiences. I have a pretty active social life with friends and I belong to a meetup group with the intention of just meeting new people and trying new things. I still get frustrated when I wonder why in the heck I'm single, but, it is time wasted and leaves me mentally and emotionally drained.

hcbeck, your honest about feeling about dating was interesting to read. I got the sense of feeling disingenuine with the dating process. Again, the reason I took a year off to identify my own values and what I valued in a partner. It made it alot easier for me to communicate with others (meaning, friends, random people I meet) what I believe in and my intentions in my relationships. If you are not in touch with these aspects of yourself, then dating will remain feeling fake. Hopefully, I wasn't presumptuous in sharing this feedback with you.

I'm making my intention in 2010 to just date. Sounds simple, but, I don't think I allowed it to happen. I was too fixed on the outcome and where the relationship was going with the men I was dating. I just wanted to date alot of guys this year. Let see what the universe throws me.


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