[rogue]

Hello all....I'm not trying to get myself down or anything when it comes to dating, I'm just really tired of all the drama. I can't be the only girl who's realized that men are totally and utterly too dramatic these days. It seems like every guy I find is worst than the last! This could also be because over the past few years I have not really been in the best state of mind in the area of self-confidence and was just with these men to not be alone, but I don't know. I don't think that's what it was but I just don't get how they are all so dramatic and angry and needy. It's weird. I honestly think that I am not cut out for a relationship because I just don't have time for the bullshit and the more I date the worse they get. When I say I don't want to fight or argue, I don't, but every man I've been with just continues to draw any argument between us out into a battle. And it's just too hard.

AP, girl, you have got some amazing insight and advice coming out of you. I always appreciate your opinions and POVs. I'm not trying to sound immature or mental when I say that it's better for me not to date but at this point in my life that's how it seems. Most people say that "love comes along when you're not looking for it" and I'm definitely not looking for it but I don't think I want it either. Is that the same thing? I don't even think I want to date - I'm not putting myself out there and to be honest, I think I'm becoming a cat lady - I enjoy the affection I get from my cats more than from anyone else (family included). I don't know. I'm starting to think I'm weird. But I also like your idea, Candy - I might reevaluate things in the New Year and see what happens. I guess you never know, right? I'm just too much of a homebody to date right now. Maybe it's just because it's getting colder out.

Sorry for the ramble!

[hcbeck]

get more comfortable at being yourself with the opposite sex.

I've always preferred the company of women. I'm not sold on many of the aspects of being a 'man.'

Unfortunately my 'being yourself' means that others think I don't need anyone.

How can I learn how to hide what I need to hide to play the mating game? All truth all the time doesn't work well.

A constant excuse I give myself: I want to learn about dating, but I don't want to objectify people by using them for practice.

Dating shouldn't be about making plans for the rest of our lives together, but just working out if I want to see them one more time.

All I need is to do is work out a way of coming up with a persona that looks like a lover instead of a friend. A specific kind of white lie.

[auralpoison]

Love? Bites you in the ass at the strangest of times. Seriously. Don't give up. He/she is out there & they may just club you over the head with a bag of doorknobs when you least expect it.

I met HB a full two years before we hooked up. But somehow, I just *knew* & I was 110% fucked. A few months later, the guy I had been seeing & I broke up & I dated around a lot basically just waiting for the HB opportunity to come around again. When it finally did, I jumped in with both feet, zero thought. I was all action. And for blessed change, I won. And I was well into my thirties at the time.

Is he what/who I thought I'd be with? Emphatically, no. The little boy box I had was basically me, but better looking & with a big cock. While HB falls seriously short of what I (unrealistically) thought I wanted, the important things he has in spades: he's smart, funny, weird, exceptionally kind, & for some unknown reason loves me despite all my bullshit. We've had our ups & downs, but we're still running strong.

I'm not going to be one of those desperate women who will date and flirt with every guy she meets but I'll be open to start dating around.

This? Doesn't have to be desperate/pathetic. This? Is a good way to get over self-esteem issues & get more comfortable at being yourself with the opposite sex*. This? Is called practice. It's an investment in yourself & cod knows you don't have to date every Tom Dick & Harry. BUT. The more you get out there, the more you learn about yourself & what you really want/need. So you have coffee or drinks or whatever with a couple or even dozens of frogs. You get more knowledge & you might even make a few dear friends.

*ETA: or your gender of interest. Because I was mostly talking to CC_G, I used the sex that I am aware she is primarily interested in.

[candycane_girl]

rogue, don't get so down on yourself. I've heard a lot of times that people end up falling for someone totally unexpected, someone who doesn't fit into the ideal that they thought they wanted.

Anyway, I'm 25 too and I have some fears, mainly that I'll be single for the rest of my life. If I'm going to be honest with myself then I have to admit that I do want to get married someday and I do want to have kids someday. And yet you can't rush those things. I don't know. Just hang in there.

I've decided that maybe in the new year I'll be ready to start dating again. I'm not going to be one of those desperate women who will date and flirt with every guy she meets but I'll be open to start dating around. And even if I don't meet someone I'm just going to keep working on improving myself.

[rogue]

I agree with your photo, raisin. I'm the same right about now. I'm definitely emotionally unavailable, which is why I'm not dating.

I'm frustrated because I think that I might like to date again, but that someone would have to be perfect and fit into the little box that I have created for him, and that just won't happen (because it's an unrealistic request and I know this). It never does. So I'm pretty sure that (at age twenty-five) I have resigned myself to being single for the rest of my life. I just don't have the time or patience to deal with the shit that most men dish out these days. I'd rather be alone than have to deal with their crap.

I'm really annoyed about it, though.

[raisingirl]

(in response to Stargazer) Hee hee! Pathetic but true!

[mumblestutter]

i am really, really bored. if things don't work out with current crush, i'm pretty sure i'll date any idiot who shows any interest at all. any. i'm stressed out & don't feel good & just need someone to hold me.

[stargazer]

[raisingirl]

This is my problem.

[thepointybird]

Bumping this up because I'm bloody pissed off at the minute, I just want some affection and someone to touch and cuddle and hold hands with, sigh................

[nappysco]

3. Being single does NOT constitute some kind of failure. It's harder in this world to exist as a single person, so if anything, remaining single for a long time and not staying in an unhappy relationship for financial reasons (which I could have done with previous partners but didn't) is something that I think we should actually be congratulated on, and view as a success.

Right on! I wish I could staple this to my forehead. In the past two weeks, two of my good friends have pulled gems out of their ass like, "It's ok if you're gay", and "You can come out to me. I won't think any less of you if you do." The fuck? While I appreciate their willingness to remain friends if I were queer, I'm not. Obviously there is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay, but I find it funny that they feel the need to figure out what's "wrong" with me. I suppose only a person who is struggling with their sexuality could remain single so long.

[thepointybird]

Today I got the "you have it all! So why are you single?" question, one of seemingly geniune concern/curiosity on the part of the person asking me. It's not that I've permanently given up on finding a mate, but it's that I hate doing what I have to do (dating) to get there.

Grrrr, I hate that question! Even when it's well-meaning, it's irksome, because:

1. Finding a decent partner is, IMO, as much a matter of dumb luck as anything else. If you haven't been blessed with such luck - what can you do?

2. Sometimes, dating just isn't very high up on one's list of priorities. If you've got more important stuff going on, as I do at the moment with severe money difficulties and some very important decisions re: education on the horizon, it's completely fine, nay advisable, to concentrate on that stuff instead.

3. Being single does NOT constitute some kind of failure. It's harder in this world to exist as a single person, so if anything, remaining single for a long time and not staying in an unhappy relationship for financial reasons (which I could have done with previous partners but didn't) is something that I think we should actually be congratulated on, and view as a success.

[raisingirl]

Today I got the "you have it all! So why are you single?" question, one of seemingly geniune concern/curiosity on the part of the person asking me. It's not that I've permanently given up on finding a mate, but it's that I hate doing what I have to do (dating) to get there.

[auralpoison]

Ah, the classic "'l'esprit d'escalier'". I say just keep it handy because you know you will need it again soon enough!

[crazyoldcatlady]

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I just thought of the best comeback to Married Friend.... 3 days later!!!

MF: "Always a bridesmaid..."
Me: "Yeah, the downside to that isn't so much being single as it is buying hideous fucking dresses you only wear once... kind of like the one i bought for YOUR wedding."

[auralpoison]

Damn. That is the pits, COCL. I'd either start coming up with snarky answers or I'd simply tell her what you just told us. That you are happy with your busy, bold, wonderful life with all of it's opportunities for adventure & growth. Also that you do not appreciate her insinuation that your life is incomplete because you are not "coupled" to her satisfaction & that you'd rather not have the conversation again. And that if she *does* bring it up again, you will stick your fingers in your ears & start singing "lalalalalalalalalalala" like a little kid.

It's funny. My family got the "No, I'm not seeing anybody" answer so many times, they just stopped asking. Now that I do see somebody? I still don't feel like talking about it & am grateful that nobody asks.

[crazyoldcatlady]

sigh. just fucking SIGH.

i've been dodging phone calls from Married Friend. I finally called her, thought i had gotten through an entire convo with her w/o a mention of who i am/am not seeing. just as we were saying goodbye:

MF: Oh yeah are you seeing anyone?
Me: Nope. (pause)
MF: "Always a bridesmaid...."
Me: (stunned) um, "...never really want to be a bride?"
MF: Oh you'll find some boy who will sweep you off your feet and then you'll elope, i just know it.


um. seriously? this reminds me of the CBC thread conversations where people say "oh you'll have kids/you'll change your mind when you find the right guy".
what if i don't? what if i *won't*?

why do we live in a culture where an uncoupled, childless woman is someone to be pitied? for godFUCKINGsake! i have an advanced degree and a consuming professional job! i travel! i buy shiny expensive objects because i don't have to buy diapers! i have a family who loves and supports me! but because i don't have a steady penis in my life, *I* suck?

/rant, grabs Jack off the shelf.

i think i really want to start making some snarky/outright bitchy replies, but i'm sure it'll be misinterpreted as, "she's all defensive because she's single and unhappy."

if i'm unhappy, it's gonna be for far more valid reasons than being single, assholes !

[crazyoldcatlady]

Good call. If anything else, they will just think you have some kind of thyroid problem with the buggy eye staredown. Btw, I still think my comeback is the best.

well CLEARLY. but as i am vegetarian, it will have to be soy sausage.

[stargazer]

i think i'm going to go with persiflager's suggestion of a firm, non-apologetic "NO", and then stare them down. i bet they'll end up trying to fill the awkward silence with some comment that says more about them then about me.

Good call. If anything else, they will just think you have some kind of thyroid problem with the buggy eye staredown. Btw, I still think my comeback is the best.

[thepointybird]

It seems like no one ever asks me if I'm in a relationship. Maybe I'm just projecting, but it's expected that I'm totally unattached. I can relate to the shoe comment all too much.

Yeah, I don't very often get asked about it either, which I'm pretty glad about. I did meet some girls at a party at the weekend who were around my age, turns out 2 of them were single and one is in a casual relationship with a much older man. When I said I was single they seemed at great pains to hear what I was doing to change it - was I online dating? Why wasn't I chatting to the men at the party? I didn't really mind as they were good fun and there was no kind of snark or nastiness behind it. But I'm kind of sick of this attitude that all single people (especially those of us in our 30s!) must be tearing our hair out trying to find someone. I'd love to be happily coupled up and in love, but like Zoya said further down the thread, I'm just not out there at the minute trying to make it happen. I have too much other stuff going on in my life right now that demands more attention.