[pepper]

" i feel so stupid, and like i deserve this"

omg girl, throw that crap away! do you think any of us are stupid and deserve that? i know you don't so why oh why would you go and put that on yourself? let it go sweet girl. life happens to all of us. take the lesson, it's a gift, but pass on by that self destructive trap. you deserve support and a hug.

[bunnyfluf]

hi... i'm preparing for my first (and hopefully only) abortion in a couple of weeks. i'm planning to go the RU-486 route as well, as it seemed less invasive. i would have preferred to have it sooner, but i have an appointment for a colpo next week, and the dr. thought i should wait 'til after for the 'procedure.' you see, the same boy who gave me this embryo also likely gave me hpv. and he's not even my boyfriend or anything. he's just a friend who was there for me during a very difficult time in my life, and things got a little mixed up. i feel so stupid, and like i deserve this. i should have had the willpower to abstain from sex with him, even tho he was so comforting when i needed him. i haven't told him, and don't plan on it either. there hasn't been any doubt in my mind as to whether i should keep it, as i'm not in a stable place and have enough to deal with due to the aforementioned difficult times, nor do i want a family with this man. i've been hoping for a miscarriage too, and have been researching herbally induced abortions. unfortunately, they aren't reliable, so i have to have the medically approved method as a backup. i feel so lost and numb and have accepted that this is my due. i will carry on, but it will always be in the back of my mind. this whole week i've gone through with my normal routine, interacting with people as expected, but with the stream of thoughts associated with this running as a constant dialogue in the background. a weird silver lining is that i think this has finally given me the strength to be more selfish and put myself first and foremost more often. i've done things for others at great expense to myself for too long, including the previous relationship where i almost lost my identity... *sigh* i'm just so exhausted and don't know what state i'll be in when 'the day' finally arrives.

oh, and i haven't told anyone else besides the dr., so thank you for letting me vent.......

[yuefie]

Wow. I had no idea this thread existed until tonight. I just finished reading through and I just have to say how great it is that you decided to begin this thread and share your story, Jan.

And much love to all of you ladies who have posted and shared your own stories. It's also nice to see those of you who've posted just to show support.

((((((Busties))))))

Now I must go find some tissue to wipe away these tears...

[anarch]

amazonprincess, you sound like you've worked through so much. Good for you, for leaving that bf, finding one who's right for you, and coming to terms with the whole thing enough to share your story. Man, when I think of how up to the late 19th century it was perfectly normal for women in the US/Canada to abort before "quickening" (feeling movement in the womb, which usually happens during the 2nd trimester), and now in 21st century America it's practically unmentionable, unless you know the views of the people you're with...

We need to talk more, be more open. We do not have to be ashamed.

Just wanted to repeat that, for truth.

[amazonprincess]

Today is the anniversary. 4 years ago. I was 25 and just starting grad school. It's less painful now to think about but what a process it has been to heal. It's still hard to say the word though. I thought by 25 I would be "ready". I was in a steady, but not all that healthy of a relationship. I had discontinued bcps and misunderstood when i was fertile. I didn't even know that I could get pregnant due to a history of endometriosis. I tried to make the most well thought out decision I could thanks to the counsel of my mother. I went home for a week, discussed it with several family members, had full support of my family for whatever decision I made. How lucky I am to have that, and will be forever grateful. My boyfriend did not want children. I was not ready, though I had thought all the way through to how I would arrange my finals around the due date. I decided to choose to terminate. I went alone to my appt (had to beg the bf to take 1/2 a day off to pick me up) I had it done by a doctor, in the outpatient wing of the hospital. One of the first things the nurse said to me was, "don't worry, everyone here is ok with this, they're screened". When I think about it, it could not have gone better in many ways. Except they didn't give me enough valium or painkillers. I remember the whole thing and all the pain. I remember screaming and trying to calm myself with some yoga chants. I remember sort of feeling like I deserved that pain, actually the thought has crossed my mind over the years. When it was over, bf finally picked me up and took me home.
I also ended up with an infection, which didn't last long but still. When I went back to class the next we were studying pregnancy.
The first time I went back to the dr's office for an appt I nearly had a panic attack. Almost like PTSD. Actually I had several PTSD-like symptoms (once I learned what they were). Though I truly believe what I read in Dr Northrup's book, I felt like I had lost a piece of my soul. I stayed with the same boyfriend for almost 4 more years. In that time he continued to indicate he didn't want children, and then give me just a little to keep me going. Our sex life died. I can pinpoint its rapid demise to that day 4 years ago. though, it took me a long time to admit it.
I am wholeheartedly pro choice and will always be, however I don't think I could do it again.
I went to a NARAL meeting and couldn't eat when the political candidate there to speak with us said that he strongly objects when people say that women shouldn't use abortion as birth control or that they make that decision arbitrarily. He said that he knew that it is one of the toughest most soul wrenching decisions a woman has to make. I nearly burst into tears. This was two years later.
I finally left that boyfriend 6 months ago. In that time much healing occurred. I didn't realize how angry I was with him, how seeing him every day was reopening that wound for me. I have worked on the anger through both counseling and expressing it to him. Because he continued to go back and forth it kept me in limbo, and no wonder I didn't want to have sex with him since it had led to the worst experience of my life and he was so insensitive about it. Since I've been on my own I have been able to let so much go. I can actually write about it now, talk about it (in appropriate forums). And I have found that I don't in fact have some kind of sexual dysfunction as I'm now enjoying a rockin' sex life with a man who eventually does want children.

This thread has been so helpful. It's amazing how when you're going through this, you find so many other women who have done the same. We need to talk more, be more open. We do not have to be ashamed.

[anarch]

Thanks for the correction, amazonprincess. I'll have to go read it again to refresh my memory.
I'll be sharing mine here too sometime.

[amazonprincess]

(((all the brave women here)))


I think it was "Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom" by Christiane Northrup. That story helped me get through mine, which I will be ready to share here one of these days.

[i_am_jan]

Okay a little comic relief (har, har) ...

(sorry but you do have to cut & paste the link, I couldn't do a click-on link)

Here it is:

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/woman...y_giant_uterine

*PEACE OUT ALL*

[anarch]

(((datagirl)))

on souls -
I remember reading about a woman who'd had an abortion years before, and then had a child. When the child was 3 (or something) she one day said, out of the blue, in the middle of playing, something like "I was here before, but it wasn't the right time so I went back for a while."

I think this was in the book Our Bodies, Ourselves. I read it like 10 years ago so I may be wrong. That one story made a deep impression on me though. Anybody else remember it?

Loving this thread. Such strength and courage, all of you.

[pepper]

datagirl (and everyone else actually), i'm going to ask you a question. if this was your girlfriend's experience would you be telling her to be strong, stuff her feelings down, not cry, tough it out and act happy? if your answer to this is "no" then perhaps you could ask yourself why you expect that of you? this is my big trick for getting things into perspective, if it wouldn't be good enough for someone that i care for than it sure shouldn't be good enough for ME. funny how that changes thing hey?

you don't have to be so tough you know. the sadness is good, tears are the river of life, they wash away grief and cleanse the soul. your feelings are the center of your universe, they're there for a reason, a good one. ignoring them refutes you, your purpose, important lessons. give yourself a break and allow yourself time to feel, to heal, to accept and embrace the experience and all that it means to you. regret is an attempt to travel back in time, it's impossible, futile. move forward, learn what there is to learn even if all there is to learn is to be more accepting and gentle with yourself.

remember that pregnancy, even very early pregnancy is an extemely hormonal time. if your sadness seems irrational at times it may very well be just that. it's a double whammy, the hormones can make you absolutely shakey and your mind can compound it.
take time to pamper yourself, curl up in bed and have a good cry, talk to someone who will listen, talk to someone who loves you and will give you a lot of hugs and make you tea. be nice to yourself, do some drawing, journal, and be grateful that you have such an enormous range of feelings because they are a GIFT.

it can help in times of grief and struggle to go out and do some volunteer work. i know that may seem energetically and emotionally impossible and i certainly don't mean it in terms of seeing how much worse off someone else can be to make you forget about your own pain. i mean getting in touch with that selfless, gracious, giving energy can be very healing not only for the people whose lives you touch, but for yourself as well.

take care.

[datagirl]

Hi Guys,
Pepper, what you said about the soul was just beautiful.When you think about it that's what a soul IS.No real beginning or ending.Sometimes the guilt can override that clarity though.

I'm doing ok so far.I think I'm alone too much which isn't great.
I do have bouts of sadness but I can function.I'm back to work tomorrow and I usually have to act happy so I'm not sure how that will go.
The sadness really culminates from the guilt.I just feel really sad for the being that was never wanted or planned.I just stuff it down in my line of thoughts and try not to cry.If I start to cry I'm scared that I may not be able to stop for a while.I'm just preventing the depression which may get out of hand if I don't think logically. I know this is unhealthy and I have the number for a post abortion councellor that I'll phone.I didn't think I'd need it but Im glad it's there.

[zelda]

***delurking***

there are some pretty brave girls in here.

just wanted to mention this book. i got it for my roommate years ago after her abortion. she was having some sadness afterwards...not really regret, just sadness. it's called "the healing choice" and she said it was so good and helpful. it's got a pretty neutral-leaning-towards-pro-choice attitude...it's mostly just for working through the feelings you may be having after an abortion.

just thought i would mention it because my roomie said she really liked it.

http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Choice-Emoti...4433&sr=1-1

[samiam]

As for when the "soul" enters the child, or if it is "killed," I have a ferw thoughts. I think that it was St. Thomas Aquinas who forwarded the idea of the "Recycling of souls." I may be wrong about who it was, but I have always liked the idea. This is, of course, not a new thought. There are many belief systems that suppose that our "souls" (essence, being, whatever) are all part of a universal pool of energy that can neither be created nor destroyed. Who knows.

When I had the abortion 9 years ago, both the guy involved and I, 1000 miles apart from eachother and not talking, had gut-wrenching dreams the night before. He dreamt that he was giving a tour of every recurring dream and nightmare that he had ever had. He said he kept waking up from the nightmares, and then falling asleep again to start over. I had vivid, heated nightmares that night that culminated in a wicked bout of painful nausea and diarrhea when I couldn't even find the bathroom easily. Emotion welled out of me uncontrollably that night. Wierd.

I thought that I would never have another abortion, especially at 31, with a job, etc. But, there I was, pregnant by indeterminate partner, and not at all ready to have a child. I still am holding out hope that I can have it all -- marriage, family, a stable life.

[pepper]

i'd like to think, now that i Have children, that i'd never have another abortion but who's to say. now that i DO have kids though and i know what it means to be responsible for them, my circumstances at the time might bring me to the decision that it was the right thing to do. it isn't something to be taken lightly (for me), either way. i've never regretted my decisions (either way) but i can see how it happens, regret i mean. it's such a hard choice but you SURE don't want to have children that you don't actually want, that's worse than anything else in my opinion. they need so much from you, you Have to be ready.

but, OH! would it Ever be so damn hard now! way more difficult than at 17 and 20. it makes it worth it to me to always take great care with safe sex. for me the trauma of having to go through that again would be WAY harder to deal with than an std. way harder.

when do we get a soul? what you think about that depends on your entire philosophy about that kind of thing. i felt my first childs soul enter my body right away, with the seed came the soul. i know what i felt, i knew i was pregnant and that i was going to have that baby right from that moment. but does that matter? can you kill a soul? kinda negates the whole idea of soul doesn't it? if that's true than all of our souls die when we die and that i just don't believe. the soul, soul energy, universal consciousness, it's eternal. no matter what happens to our bodies the soul travels on. pregnancies that are terminated were never meant to go on, if they were Meant to go on they Would have gone on. just like everything else in life i think a pregnancy can be a teaching experience that has nothing to do with the creation of another human being. the lesson is vital, whatever that lesson may be. regret can be a lesson as well, one that has less to do with the creation of a human being than it does with a response to trauma, making choices or whatever.
there are no Wrong decisions, just choices that are right for us as individuals at the time.

[datagirl]

Thankyou. ((((Mornington,Phobia,Samian,Shinyx3)))
I really appreciate this thread.It's absolutely essential.
Sometimes I'll catch my thoughts.Usually it's how people who haven't gone through this would judge me if they knew.I can only associate with people who are pro-choice now.I couldn't handle someone telling me what I did yesterday was murder which is just a ludicrous suggestion.But am I now tarnished by some evil brush? Yet my best friend had one,my sister has had two, even my grandma had one and that was over 60 years ago.That's the reality and yesterday my mother and I sat in that waiting room area and noticed all the other women of all different backgrounds there for the exact same reason as myself.While I was having the precdure done,mum said she noticed at least seven to eight women all of various ages walk through those doors with their partners,friends or family.
Alot of people would say that it's a problem that so many women are seeking terminations.I don't think so at all.The clinic I went to is an absolute neccesity.Why these women (like myself) are seeking abortions is no ones business but their's.But it's hard to keep up this thought process.I just think of all the women who have had terminations and this forms the clarity that I need in my head right now.

[shinyx3]

data, so glad you are doing ok! strong women can make it though just about anything!

[samiam]

Datagirl -- I am right there with you. You made the right decision, although it is going to feel, at times, like the worst possible idea. I went through this in June. It sucks. Today I had a meeting with a coworker who is pregnant and due around the same time I would have been. She is so excited and ready. I never told her what was going on. Seeing pregnant woman and babies is hard sometime.

You are amazing! He is a prick!

[phobia]

(((((datagirl))))

FWIW, I don't think there's any "right" or "wrong" way to feel. Glad you're feeling ok.

[mornington]

((((((datagirl))))))

[datagirl]

Thanks (((shinyx3 and Pollystyrene))).

It's over.I'm so relieved.I'm doing fine and I'm not in any pain at all.
The level of care I was given was fantastic.The doctors and nurses who do this every day should be awarded.They are true saints.
The actual procedure I don't remember at all as I was completely out cold.I was talking to the aneathatist (wrong spelling) about being a muso and what kind of music I was into as she was administering the aneasthetic and then I wake up in recovery with an oxygen mask over my mouth and it was all over.The worst part was the anesthetic.It made me feel like I had a hangover and I did throw up a couple of times.
But over all I don't feel any different.I feel guilty for not feeling more emotional instead of feeling relieved though.I did make the right decision and I'll hopefully never have to make it again.