[i_am_jan]

I just wanted to say thank you to whomever put up the link to donate to Planned Parenthood. After hearing from all of the women here, it appears that Planned Parenthood and the nurses & doctors there were like angels to those of us who had really no one else to support us during the abortion process and procedure. Those people made sure we were safe, cared for and respected. I just now made my donation and it felt so good to give back to such a worthwhile cause!

_________________

Into a Bulb: Thanks for sharing your story here. Your situation at the time of your first pregnancy sounds like me: a teenager running wild ... I wonder if you even knew what birth control was? Can you believe my parents never told me about birth control and my school never told me of the option to go out and buy rubbers or pills either! Like you, I had a crash course in sex, pregnancy and birth control, had to learn the hard way!? Man, you must have had guts to have to do that without your parents, and to TRAVEL TO ANOTHER STATE for it?! That is huge. But you took care of yourself, and you survived. And grew up to be an articulate woman and mother of a little girl. And a career, and college education in tow! Um, WOW.

[into_a_bulb]

I had an abortion when I was sixteen. I was considered a runaway and hadn't been home in over a year and at the time lived in my boyfriend's basement. His mother was a raging alcoholic who occasionally would smash things and chase people around with blunt objects so the thought of raising a child in that household was terrifying. I was so immature about the situation at the time and some of the things I did just for the attention of the situation are embaressing to look back on but I realize that what I did was the best decision. I was totally still a child in my mind. I was a high school dropout with no family to help me. I had to go to another state to get my abortion because in Pennsylvania they require parent or guardian to be present the day of the abortion if under eighteen. I had no anesthesia which would have been hard to bear if not for the jovial nature of the doctor. He talked to me the entire time and tried to tell jokes, he kept my mind off of everything that was happening. I could not have asked for kinder people than the employees of that Planned Parenthood. When I found out at nineteen that I was pregnant with my daughter Madelyne, I knew that it was the right time to have her. I had my own apartment, I was working full-time and attending college. I thank Planned Parenthood everyday for my choice, that I was able to welcome a little girl into this world offering her far more than I would have been able to if I had already had a child.

[i_am_jan]

shinyx3: Thanks so much for sharing your story. One thing that sticks out like a sore thumb for me is how some men can say such things as "you're killing my baby" before a baby is even in existence - yet they can hold their own actual baby in their arms, look into their child's eyes - and then just take off without a thought whether it will eat or survive or ever see a coin of money. ??

It seems to me that those situations are one of the reasons that a woman is literally FORCED to choose whether to present a baby a particular set of circumstances in which to live.

It seems to me that life IS literally, at its essence, a series of choices. No matter who you are, what gender you are, whatever you do - there are always going to be two paths (if not more) - you will have to use your brain to weigh the good and the bad, and then choose which path is best at that time. Of course, you will always have the memory of the path NOT taken. Even regret is okay too, it's a natural part of life, and human emotions. But timing is everything. Like, getting your master's degree can be a respectable decision. But you wouldn't ask a middle school child to do it...or someone who has sick or disabled relatives to care for, a good thing at the wrong time could be disastrous.

Fortunately, as women, as far as choice and having babies go, we have many, many years of fertility ... and we may choose the road not taken first, the second time around, or maybe the third ; )

Also, shinyx3, Congratulations on your new baby and new family ; )

[_octinoxate]

kel, thank you for your story.

shiny, thank you for your story.

[shinyx3]

ok, i will share my story here as well. there are so many inspiring stories of strong women here!

i had my son when i was 21 years old. his biological father was never very involved accept to come around to steal money and what ever he could find of value. when i found out i was pregnant i wanted to consider all my option and he was horrified that i was such an evil person "how dare you even think of killing my baby" he said. (i might add that at this point he already had a little girl he seldom saw and paid no support for by another lady) i basicly let him talk me into not even looking into any option other than having the baby. my son is now 10 years old and a truely lovely boy. i however was pregnant with him on my own, went through all the baby stuff on my own all while working full time and going to school full time so i could make a good life for my baby. (i look back on that time and wonder how it was at all posible yet i did it.)

when my son was almost 2 i met and immediatly married a man who i thought was going to be a great father for my son. not long after i got married i got pregnant again. this time however i was married and although not at all rich we were financially able to care for a baby. emotionaly however, i was totally unwilling to go through the whole thing again. (both these pregnancies were while i was on the pill by the way) i had tons of fears about everything including some major reservations about having a child with my husband. i held my head up high and informed him that i was not going to keep the pregnancy. i did not put it too him as a question or choice of his. he cried but did not argue. he went with me to the procedure but not in the room with me. i had a vaccume procedure with out any medication. (still not sure why they didn't give me any vallium or anything but that is niether here nor there.)

i remember looking up at the ceiling and thinking just a few more moment and this will be over. afterwards i was weak and queasy but my husband was pretty upset so again i held my head up and told him all was ok and that i had made the right choice.

i am since divorced from him (he really didn't turn out to be a great dad) and remarried to a really loving and wonderful man who is so good to me and to my son who he calls his own. i truely thought i would not ever have another child. i thought i had been through enough and ha a sweetboy and had no need for another. so when my husband and i decided to try for a baby i had to go over in my mind, for myself, all the reason to have a baby and all the reasons not to have a baby. in doing this i came back in close contact with my concious decision to terminate my previous pregnancy. in doing this and looking at the situaltion with hindsight and 8 more years of life experience i can only say that as life is, it is not one of the enjoyable or happy memories that i have but i am so thankful that i had and made the choice that i did and i am completely sure that it was the choice i should have made. i am now expecting my second son in august and am so excited. this is how it is supposed to be, planned, happy, and when i am ready.

my whole experience has made the right to choose a cause that is near and dear to my heart as i do not want to imagine life with out that valuable right to chose the path of ones own life.

[kelkello]

My father never knew because he lives far away and was completely absent from my life at the time. My mother was supportive from the start. Sad, but supportive.

[i_am_jan]

kelkello: I was curious: Did you have to debate the decision with your parents, or were they supportive from the outset?

[i_am_jan]

kelkello: Thanks so much for sharing that. So much interesting stuff there...

I feel bad that your partner in the pregnancy apparently could not appreciate the complexity of the decision which you ultimately had to make. Time was of the essence for you and so you really had to be the proactive one -- that's sort of how it was for me, too.

And then he seemed to be okay with it - yet, had trouble owning up to the decision later? Maybe blaming you for it?

It seems like the partner not being right is a factor in every abortion account I hear.

I read these stories and I wonder - does the maternal instinct work in strange ways? Is it compassion that leads one to choose not to put a child in harm's way - with the knowledge that a child is not wanted and that it does not have a 2-parent support system.

I can't say for sure, but I know that it did feel that way to me. Like ultimately the Mother in me made the decision.

I know that I cared a lot about the life that the potential child would be given and decided it wasn't fair.

kk: what you said about September sort of touched me, I don't know why.

[kelkello]

Wow. All these stories. Amazing. I had my abortion at age 23. If you had asked me at age, I dunno, 19 or 20, I'd have said that at 23 I would suck it up and have the baby. But it was not to be. I was with a man who told me he loved me and I truly felt I loved him even though he was so wrong for me on so many levels, but I was too stupid to see it at the time. We had sex three times and used protection each time. I still ended up pregnant. Financially, emotionally, and career-wise, I couldn't have a baby and neither could he. This we agreed on. I was an unmarried teacher. Unmarried teachers didn't have babies, not in my town. I couldn't afford a kid, and he was a deadbeat. We went to Planned Parenthood together and made the arrangements and cried together.

Then he turned on me. He came over, told me he didn't love me, never loved me, and was breaking up with me. But he wanted me to have this baby and just give it to him. Just be an incubator and hand it to a deadbeat with a drinking problem. His offer to me was, "I'll marry you in name only so it won't look bad at school." Yeah, what a great offer. Thanks, guy.

I told him I was going through with it. He said he would accept whatever I decided.

I drove with my mother over 100 miles to the nearest place to get one. It was a cattle call. Apparently they tell everyone to show up at 8a.m. Like court. I waited for hours. I was the only one there with her mom. My mom was freaking out because it was taking so long and I was so distraught. I got called back for my turn and got the obligatory counseling, the obligatory valium, and the horrid dressing gown.

They had this girl who was there to hold my hands and talk to me. The doctor came in and treated my womb like a tooth that needed to be pulled. But this girl. I will always be thankful for her. She held my hand and talked to me the whole way through. She went to my college, it turns out. There were stars on the ceiling, little stickers. I kept looking at them and thinking how small I felt and how horrible. I wish I knew that girl's name.

Afterward, I healed physically and emotionally as best as I could. I still think I made the right decision. September is hard for me. The baby would be nine in September. Even so, I don't think I would change my decision, but I would never have another one.

The guy slammed me all around town. He told strangers I killed his baby. People I didn't know walked up to me and said, "Oh, you dated D____? Yeah, he told us about you...." And I knew what they were thinking.

I had to be in a wedding with him a few years ago. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Stand up there for my friend with him right nearby. But I did it with my head held high. He's still a deadbeat. I know I made the best decision possible at the time. But it's still a shitty decision to have to make.

[treehugger]

OMG! You know, I never thought of that! You never see images like this used to protest the war! I wonder why not?

Hey, I have to thank you, again, for starting this thread.

I'm back.

Some folks seem to love images of hardcore violence, blood, guts and pornography, etc., they just can't get enough of it. They seem to be *VERY* desensitized.

I rarely see violent images such as this used to protest anything else - not even the war, it interests me - ?

Either way, some Americans seem to have a real healthy appetite for this stuff and so they just keep on cranking out those images.

Fortunately, many of us are pretty much desensitized to photo-chopped images of violence by now and it doesn't affect us the way it probably should. After I see something so many times, I'm just like, well okay then!

I guess those hardcore violence lovers will just keep cranking out those images and there will just keep on being more school shootings, wars, etc., while people still aren't talking to their teenagers and children about how to survive in the world.

I'm just glad my right to choose is still 100% LEGAL.

[i_am_jan]

I'm back.

Some folks seem to love images of hardcore violence, blood, guts and pornography, etc., they just can't get enough of it. They seem to be *VERY* desensitized.

I rarely see violent images such as this used to protest anything else - not even the war, it interests me - ?

Either way, some Americans seem to have a real healthy appetite for this stuff and so they just keep on cranking out those images.

Fortunately, many of us are pretty much desensitized to photo-chopped images of violence by now and it doesn't affect us the way it probably should. After I see something so many times, I'm just like, well okay then!

I guess those hardcore violence lovers will just keep cranking out those images and there will just keep on being more school shootings, wars, etc., while people still aren't talking to their teenagers and children about how to survive in the world.

I'm just glad my right to choose is still 100% LEGAL.

[treehugger]

I just bought it on I-tunes. Thanks for the recommendation!

[crazyoldcatlady]

oct, i was thininking the same thing when i was reading this thread. i heard it at work the other day when i was listening to a Yahoo! radio stream, and it just reminded me of how spot on she is in pretty much all of her songs...

[_octinoxate]

anyone here heard the song "lost woman song" by ani difranco? it's a really lovely example of a woman exercising free speech-- and honest, real speech-- about her experience with abortion. while her experience wasn't all positive by any means, she ends it with reaffirming the value of choice-- much like this thread! awesome, awesome thread.

[lapis]

I can't wait to be a parent to teach my child tolerance and respect for other peoples' opinions, to empower her with the gift of free speech and its responsibility, and to teach her the value of choice over hatred. Such an inspiring thread!

[i_am_jan]

Wow, treehugger, how frightening, how vulnerable you could have been had you not been able to struggle your way out of all that. It sounds like you were facing the beginning of a dreadful - and abusive! - life, especially had you brought a child into that situation. So many women do not make it out of that but you survived. Yours is a story worth sharing and I'm glad you are here telling it.

[treehugger]

Treehugger, sounds like your experience with this guy was a nightmare. Did he know about the abortion? Did he approve, or would he have liked you to have had the baby? I was lucky in a way that I didn't have to think about the father's feelings on the matter - he was a guy I knew vaguely and had a one night stand with, and by the time I even knew I was knocked up he'd disappeared off to live in Amsterdam. It's an interesting discussion though, everyone's experiences are so different.

He did know about the abortion. He didn't really care one way or the other. But, if I were to go through the pregnancy, he was a very possessive person...he would have possessed me and the baby...there would have been no giving it up for adoption. He nearly killed me when I left him.

And I really, honestly, truly do think, if I had the baby, it would have ended up being one of those "shaken babies". Or worse. His temper was THAT bad, and I had THAT little control over him.

I am glad for this thread, because it gives us a voice. We live our lives being silenced. We don't have to be silenced here! Keep talking, people!

[amazonprincess]

I am grateful this thread is here and for those of you with the courage to tell your stories. There are so few supportive environments, yet so many experiences.

[mornington]

jan, I really admire your courage in starting this thread. And yours too, Treehugger and Pointy and Karcher, for sharing your stories.

[i_am_jan]

God bless you lapis. I am glad you are here. It is comforting to know there are good people respecting and taking care of the people who are here in the world and who need it.