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> Sex and Long-Term Relationships
lux
post May 2 2006, 03:02 AM
Post #221


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red- being "aggressive" might help, i don't know? If you haven't been talking about this, maybe you should. he can't read your mind do you have to tell him how you feel. probably it wont be fun. at least it hasn't been in my case, but finally i've convinsed my girlfriend that we actually have to speak about the lack of sex in our relationship. if you just keep it inside you, you will end up feeling insane. the talking might not help, it's not a patent cure for everything, but it might help after the tenth time. the fact that you want sex more often doesn't meen that your just seeking approval, this is what my gf tried to make me think. how i see it sex is like sleep, some people just physically need more than others.

so, after all the babling: if you haven't been aggressive, try it. that might be what he's been waiting for. try talking, make him see that this is really bothering you and for you to happy you need to get this thing sorted out.

just trying to be of help, while my own sex-crises is under control:-)
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ginger_kitty
post May 1 2006, 05:24 PM
Post #222


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red, Some times my hubby likes it if I throw him on the floor.

It sounds to me like it might be time to sit down and have a serious conversation w/ your guy. Let him know how you feel and try to get him to open up to you.


--------------------
-We are here on Earth to fart around. Don't let anybody tell you any different.

-What we think, we become.
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red
post May 1 2006, 01:04 PM
Post #223


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So i didn't actually throw him down on the floor and strip him naked. I haven't exaclty been "aggressive" thus far, unless one considers taking the initiative every now and then to be aggressive. I get that he wouldn't really be into it. I haven't directly asked him, I don't know why. I have something to say about everything else in the world it seems, you would think I could open my big mouth about that, too. Come to think of it, he's never asked me, either. Actually, we've never really talked that much about it. Sad, now that I come to the realization. I DID, however, ask him the other night if he's ever done anal...he said no. But the conversation didn't go any further...I suppose I should've asked if he'd be interested...I just go the feeling he had no desire to really delve deeper into the subject. I just want to feel like he wants me as much as I want him. Maybe there's another thread for strong, independent women who need psychotherapy and constant approval? This is insane.
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ritzyreese
post Apr 28 2006, 01:55 PM
Post #224


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Red~
Sometimes being really aggressive can be a turn off. Can you try directly asking him what turns him on?
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midgemcgrath
post Apr 28 2006, 10:31 AM
Post #225


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hey, red, you might want to try the frustration thread?
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red
post Apr 28 2006, 09:28 AM
Post #226


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From: NJ


OK, this is my issue. My boyfriend and I are together 7 months, and living together since February. For the duration of our relationship sex was never frequent...he has circulation issues due to nerve damage. The thing is this: I want it all the time...and I'm kinkier than he is, more willing to do different things. And I love oral...both giving and receiving (he is the first man to get me off that way). Sometimes he can't stay hard during intercourse, but can still totally get off if I finish him off orally. So there are "occasions" where we do 69, and it's mindblowing. Those occasions however are few and far between. We haven't had actual intercourse in 4 weeks, and only last weekend did the 69 thing. He's not vocal during sex, and I definitely AM vocal. I like to tell him what feels good, that he's pleasing me. He stays silent. He told me once that he was about to come and that itself almost pushed me over the edge because it was the first time he spoke during sex. He told me once that he's a very sexual person, and all I could think was "How do I meet THAT guy?"...I'm very tempted to go home tonight, give him a kiss and hug hello, put my hand in his crotch and tell him that later on, he's gonna F... me once and for all...otherwise I'm gonna F... HIM....how do I get this guy to give it up more often...I feel like he's turned off by the fact that I want it so much? Is that possible?
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ginger_kitty
post Apr 28 2006, 07:49 AM
Post #227


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venetia, my hubby and me do rainchecks also. We are kinda like I am to tired I owe ya.


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-We are here on Earth to fart around. Don't let anybody tell you any different.

-What we think, we become.
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venetia
post Apr 27 2006, 06:43 PM
Post #228


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From: Aotearoa (aka New Zealand)


Yeah well that's me too, and although I usually have a reasonable sex drive, if I'm not at all in the mood I have sex anyway because I know that I'll have fun - it's like swimming, for me, I just have to make the effort to get my gear off and dive in. I don't want to ever get out of the habit of having sex at least once a day.

If the worst comes to the worst my partner or I will say that the other (non-tired) person has to "do all the work", so the tired, not in the mood person gets lots of attention and oral and whatever. That arrangement works for us. Occasionally we reschedule if we're both tired. But I don't think everyone's like this.
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ginger_kitty
post Apr 27 2006, 04:56 PM
Post #229


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For me, I have a pretty healthy sex drive, only 1 or 2x a week and I would be like a wild animal stalking my husband. Thoughts of sex would overcome my brain!

But still just a little makeout seesion from time to time would be nice. Even if I do change my mind and want more, sometimes that feeling of wanting more and waiting a few hours/days makes for the best sex!


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-We are here on Earth to fart around. Don't let anybody tell you any different.

-What we think, we become.
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midgemcgrath
post Apr 27 2006, 11:27 AM
Post #230


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From: Vancouver, Canada


miss b-- i am the same, if i didn't work on it, it wouldn't happen at all! the 1-2x/wk that is happening is because i am trying! but i totally agree that the more you do it, the easier it is to get in the mood, and when i get out of the habit, i could really care less.

lux-- although i see what you are saying, trust me, it IS a compromise on both sides! otherwise there would likely be nothing happening! like i had mentioned earlier, ibs+gradschool+hormonal birthcontrol=next to zero sex drive.

last night, mr. m. was like 'why don't you want to kiss me?' so i told him, and then he seemed a little rejected, but not so bad, and then we made out for a while. it worked out okay, so i guess i just have to keep trying to develop our 'secret' language or way of understanding about it...
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miss_b
post Apr 27 2006, 06:32 AM
Post #231


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Lux is right though, if I didn't work on trying to get in the mood, even if it isn't always successful, I'd never have sex. I've found that personally its very easy to fall into the habit of not having sex and then the less you do it the less you want it.

MrB and I talk about it alot, which helps. If I'm *really* not in the mood I'll say 'I just want cuddles' and then at least he knows. However if I'm just feeling 'bleh' I'll say 'I don't feel horny but maybe we'll see what happens' and then we feel it out (as it were) from there.
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venetia
post Apr 27 2006, 05:22 AM
Post #232


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From: Aotearoa (aka New Zealand)


Maybe it depends on how irrevocable "not in the mood" is for different people? Like old cars. Some of us can cold start and others need to warm up first, and others simply are not going to go at all.
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lux
post Apr 27 2006, 04:00 AM
Post #233


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From the other end of table:
I have a high ( idon't think unusually high) sexdrive and my girlfriends just disapeared somewhere. No matter how much i like the makeout sessions, it's really hard not to feel dissapointed when it doesn't leed anywhere when you already before that feel like your not getting enough action. Ok, this doesn't mean that you should have sex with someone just to avoid hurting their feelings. But at least in my situation it feels like she just doesn't want to get on the mood. Sometimes it would be a good idea to relax, make a bit of an effort and try to get on the mood. i'm not telling you to fake it, but is it always necessary to hang on to the idea of not being in the mood.

Ok, this might just be my frustration speaking, because i know i have to wait a week before my period ends and there's some chances of getting some. i really don't think it's fair that i'm the only one who has to compromise in the sense of how much sex we're having.

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culturehandy
post Apr 26 2006, 07:25 PM
Post #234


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From: Oh boobs


It seems so sympathetic. Its like a mercy fuck, and that is not cool.


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Hatred does not cease in this world by hating, but by not hating; this is an eternal truth. --- Buddah, The Dhammapada
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ginger_kitty
post Apr 26 2006, 06:09 PM
Post #235


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Midege, culture, I was just lurking in here and I have the same problem with Mr Ginger. Sometimes a sweet makeout session is all I want, and he doesn't seem to get that. We have talked about it also, but once things get going he almost always wants more. Sometimes I give my hubby a bit of a cold shoulder, because I know what is going to happen if I give him an inch.

And I have never been able to have sex just for the sake of having it. If I'm not in the mood, I not in the mood. I refuse to fake it. That seems unfair to both partners, if there is faking going on. But I also feel bad for rejecting him sometimes.


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-We are here on Earth to fart around. Don't let anybody tell you any different.

-What we think, we become.
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midgemcgrath
post Apr 26 2006, 05:19 PM
Post #236


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From: Vancouver, Canada


ritzy--good in theory, but just like talking about it, when it actually comes to reality, it isn't that easy.

culture--i'm the same, if i don't feel like it, and don't feel like i can get in the mood, i'm not going to do it just for him...sometimes i'll do other things...but i just don't always feel up for it. what is it with guys? i really like cuddling with him and kissing him, and i don't know why that translates in boy-speak to lets get it on...
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ritzyreese
post Apr 26 2006, 05:12 PM
Post #237


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Sometimes I think it helps to have a mutual understanding (such as predertermined signs or signals) that help communicate what each person wants out of a snuggle or makeout session. Just kissing or cuddling, as well as sex, are great if you are both on the same level.

You and your guy could have a little bootie grab that says, "hey sexy, wanna get down?" or glasping a hand that says, "I'm glad you're here, but I'm just not into it right now." Both partners can communicate their needs without the confusion of ambiguous (and sometimes misinterpreted) kissing or cuddling.
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ritzyreese
post Apr 26 2006, 05:12 PM
Post #238


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(Aah, I keep accidentally posting twice.)
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culturehandy
post Apr 26 2006, 02:35 PM
Post #239


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From: Oh boobs


Midgemcgrath same thing with my partner and myself. Sometimes I only want to snuggle, yes I am flattered that you still highly attracted to me, but there is the big thing called life that gets in the way of ones sex drive.


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Hatred does not cease in this world by hating, but by not hating; this is an eternal truth. --- Buddah, The Dhammapada
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culturehandy
post Apr 26 2006, 02:34 PM
Post #240


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From: Oh boobs


midgemscgrath I am the same way with my partner. Sometimes I can't snuggle without him trying to get in my pants, then he too feels rejected. Then sometimes, just sometimes, I feel bad about saying no, but I still don't have sex if I don't want to.


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Hatred does not cease in this world by hating, but by not hating; this is an eternal truth. --- Buddah, The Dhammapada
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