[auralpoison]

OMG! That was my immediate response, too, KittenB! Seriously, if it were me, I'd be giving him the evil, uncomfortable fucking eye the whole time he gathered his gear up. And if he punked like he did yesterday? All his shit would be in a box sitting outside the apt door & the locks would be changed. See how he likes having his fucking trust violated!

[kittenb]

Pardon me if this is too much anger but

He just texted and said that he will be by at 7 to get his stuff and would like it if I was not here.

who the fuck does he think he is that he gets to set parameters now?! I bet you would have "liked it" if he hadn't been such an unforgivable POS who fucked someone in your goddmaned bed?

Seriously, if you don't want to be there, don't be there. But I see no need for you to inconvience yourself because he feels uncomfortable. He SHOULD feel uncomfortable.

[samiam]

Thanks everyone. I am a little overwhelmed with my next steps, but at least I got a little sleep last night (with the help of a friend's lorazipam prescription). He was supposed to come get all his stuff yesterday, but never showed up. I got a couple of texts saying that we would talk today. Offers from friends throughout the country to come get me and take me away make me feel like I am worth something again, and dinner with the same friends who put me up two nights ago was wonderful. Last night I slept on the fold-out in the living room because I want nothing to do with our bed now that he has soiled it. I threw out the sheets that were on it when he brought her here.

The worst part is that I am going to miss him. I actually have been looking on JDate, not because I think that I am in any place to start dating anytime soon, but I needed to know that there were men out there. I am not very excited about being judged on my looks in a thumbnail picture again, but what choice do I have? Before any of that can happen I need to figure out where I am going to live. He just texted and said that he will be by at 7 to get his stuff and would like it if I was not here.

[auralpoison]

Whoa. What a cowardly, piece of shit thing to do. What Star & Ketto said in spades.

(((((Samiam)))))

(((((Dayglowpink)))))

[ketto]

(((dayglowpink)))

(((samiam)))

wtf for both of you. seriously. i'm speechless. i'm so sorry to hear about this news.

My thoughts exactly. (((dayglow and samiam)))

[nickclick]

(((samiam)))
what a stinky piece of chicken shit for not coming clean and breaking it off first before doing this. please, as star suggests, vent away. sounds like you've got a good friend IRL but you've got us here too.

(((dayglowpink)))
you won't be baby-obsessed; more like focused in identifying someone who also wants a family. and that will be an attractive quality.

[stargazer]

(((samiam))) I'm glad you were able to stay at a friend's place. Feel free to keep posting here or in the committed thread or moving on thread...just vent away. My heart goes out to you.

[samiam]

Thanks. I am just numb right now. Thank god for good friends. I stayed with a friend last night, although even with two benadryl and a glass of wine I couldn't sleep. This hurts.

[Persiflager]

(((dayglowpink and samiam)))

[kittenb]

{{{samiam}}}

I didn't have much time to post last night for dayglowpink, but what the hell?! I hope you two are both taking care of yourselve as best as you can.

[stargazer]

(((dayglowpink)))

(((samiam)))

wtf for both of you. seriously. i'm speechless. i'm so sorry to hear about this news.

[samiam]

Well, I guess the baby thing is off the table... I went away for a few days to ski with friends, and left the BF home to work. Came home last night and something was off about the apartment. He had changed the sheets, shoved all my stuff off the top of my night stand and from next to my side of the bed into the closet, and every picture with me in it was moved. Then i found the condom wrapper.

He didn't deny it.

[kittenb]

{{{dayglowpink}}}

[likeanyother]

(((dayglowpink))) I'm sure you must be going through a lot of mixed emotions about it, but congratulations on making a very brave decision to go after what you really want.

My boyfriend and I are sort of in a limbo regarding future/commitment/children. He knows what I want, I've made it very clear. Now I'm just giving him time to figure out if he wants the same thing. It sort of sucks that I'm in this position, sometimes I really resent the fact that I have to like 'entice' him into wanting to start a family with me, when I honestly don't even want to have a family with someone who doesn't want one with me, it's a weird self-perpetuating cycle. I just turned 30 and while I'm not ready to have a family right at this point anyway, I know there's a certain amount of planning required once it becomes a real possibility. It's so easy for the years to slip by, damn biological clock.

Anyway, it's helpful to hear everyone's stories and to feel like I'm not alone in this. I'm inspired by your story dayglowpink, please post updates on your situation.

[dayglowpink]

Well, my BF and I have broken up, so now I have other issues to deal with. I guess now I have admitted that I want a baby, but now I'm terrified to be one of those baby-crazy mid-30's women who's obsessed with meeting someone just to have kids. I've decided that if I get to age 37 with no prospects, I will start working on getting artificially inseminated. In some ways this breakup gives me a bit of hope, because I know that I will be strong enough to be up front if I date other guys and will try to find someone who really wants a baby with me, too. Now I don't have to struggle with working this out with my ex. Of course the breakup is really hard and painful, but it's the right thing for both of us.

[nickclick]

I'm definitely on the right track!!

whoo hooooooo! i was super bummed when i turned 30... my youth is over, anything childish or stupid that i'd do wouldn't be cute anymore, etc. but there's something to be said about being an adult and getting your shit together.

sam, you're soooooo not being a bitch for bringing up this topic with your bf. maybe he's scared because the idea of a baby seems so foreign? i know it does to me but i have friends and family who seem a lot less conscientious and/or responsible having babies left and right. either way, it's only fair that he think on it and let you know where he stands without judging your asking.

[zoya]

it sounds business-like but really it's easy to love someone who, besides possessing other desirable characteristics like goofiness and adorableness, wants what you want at the same time you want it. i believe in that positive visualization where you build a picture of what you want and then it's *ding ding ding* when you see it.

I don't think that's derailing at all... I've realized that for me, that is an inexorable part of having a child, and I'm sure you and I aren't the only ones, so it's totally on-topic.

and thanks for the vote of confidence on finding someone who is at the same phase of things as you. I think it's not just positive visualization, but in my case, working on myself, and really getting to know and be happy with myself enough to be capable of recognizing "it" when I see it. Lately I'm totally seeing that in the guys I meet, and it seems easier to see, and thus weed out, the ones who don't posses those things that I want. I don't really see that as businesslike, but really just not settling for less than you know you need to be happy. At least that's been my theory, and while I don't have it yet, hearing what you have to say about it makes me feel like I'm definitely on the right track!!

[nickclick]

I have never been with the right guy to have a FAMILY with. That's what I want. Not just to have a kid... I want a family. I want to be with the right person, where he and I have a great best-friend / romantic partner relationship and are totally copasetic in what we want.

thanks for saying this. at the time i felt like a sell-out for breaking off a loving but unhealthy LTR when i realized i really wanted to have children in search of a better partner for such things. now that i found him i see it wasn't just the kids i was searching for. he's truly my partner with the same goals. it sounds business-like but really it's easy to love someone who, besides possessing other desirable characteristics like goofiness and adorableness, wants what you want at the same time you want it. i believe in that positive visualization where you build a picture of what you want and then it's *ding ding ding* when you see it.

sorry if i'm derailing. we spoke this week about not necessarily trying for baby, but not trying not to. in other words, we ran out of trojans and we're not buying more.

[samiam]

Thanks DayGlow. This forum has been one of my enduring friends for the last 10 years. In fact, all three of my adult relationships have evolved under the watchful eye of the Bust Lounge.

This baby thing is killing me. I suggested couples therapy and I think that I will pursue the idea after I find someone to talk to on my own, first. In the meantime I have to hear about the 19-year-old dumbass stepson of my boyfriend's sister is having a baby with his 16-year-old girlfriend. They won't consider abortion or adoption, and all I can think is fuck, at least I have a job and an education. I mean, if these kids can have a kid, can't we make it work? I even suggested that we adopt the baby to my boyfriend. He is very pro-adoption, but we both realize that that will never happen through an agency unless we find a way to make millions and buy a house.

Thanks for listening.

[zoya]

this is my first time venturing into this thread... thank you eyelet for your post!! I turned 41 this year, never been pregnant, but I'm not too worried about it if I do decide to get pregnant in the next few years - my mom and her sisters were all having kids well into their 40's, and my cycle shows no signs of letting up - in fact, it's more regular now than it's ever been. I think I still have a few good years left in me. Your post just made me feel great that someone out there is doing it, and seems to have a really good outlook on things surrounding it.

I've never been one of those women who want to have a child at all costs - even if it means being a single parent. For years I was on the fence about whether I'd want to at all, but I've come to realize what was missing... it's that in my relationships to date, I have never been with the right guy to have a FAMILY with. That's what I want. Not just to have a kid... I want a family. I want to be with the right person, where he and I have a great best-friend / romantic partner relationship and are totally copasetic in what we want.

Unfortunately, right now, I don't have that. I think I'm more ready than I've been at any point in my life to truly be a partner to someone who wants to be my partner, but you can't just go partner / daddy shopping, ya know? (well some girls do it, but that's just not me) So I am getting out there and I have had some great guys come into my life. Not guys I'm involved with, but just the fact that I'm attracting men into my world who want those things and are not afraid to express that really bodes well for the caliber of people I'm attracting these days.

Even though on the surface some people might look at me and think that I chose to put my career first, or make being successful a priority over a relationship or motherhood; that's not true at all. I think that it's more that I never truly started to work through my shit until a few years ago, to the point where I actually started truly wanting a nice guy as a partner for the right reasons, and thought that I might be capable / deserving of being part of a good, healthy family unit.

I guess the biggest thing for me at this point is that I get bummed that I took so long to get to a point where I can truly be healthy enough to have that stuff, because it might be too late and I get worried I might never meet that person. I know that if I don't have a family, then it's just not what was in the cards for me, but I'm only human and I can't help but be bummed at the thought that it might not.

I know this sounds totally goofy, but I keep listening to No Doubt's "Simple Kind of Life" and it just seems to sum up how I feel so much.