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> *sigh* ........the depression thread
olivarria
post Oct 9 2008, 09:05 PM
Post #261


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 163
From: San Antonio, TX


GeekChickKnits, thanks for the Mind Over Moods recommendation. I've really been interested in trying cognitive behavioral therapy lately......I've done it in the past, in therapy, but I think I need more practice.

I've found an amazing book that is made just for me - I thought maybe some of you might be interested: it's called The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron, and it's not about depression per se, but many sensitive people have a tendency toward depression, so I thought someone may find it useful here. The highly sensitive person is described as someone who is easily over-stimulated, possibly intraverted, shy, quiet, or neurotic, easily started by loud noises and lights and colors, easily overwhelmed by information overload or too many things to do in a short period of time, falls in love passionately, intense emotions, needs lots of time alone for recovery from the day, does not like crowds or parties, moved deeply by the arts or music, etc. All of these are me exactly! The great thing about this book is it doesn't make you feel like there's something wrong with you or that you need to "be fixed." It gives you ideas for using your traits to your advantage and how to deal with the world. The author does not view sensitivity as detrimental whatsoever.

Also, I'm reading Time Management for Dummies, because my schedule is so busy I tend to get overwhelmed. I'm also a procrastinator. I started seeing an academic coach on campus to deal with time management, procrastination, motivation, & retaining information when i study. I'm making B's right now, but my goal for the semester is to make 3 A's and 2 B's, because i want to apply to the Honor Society. This is my first time at a university, and previously I only went to jr. colleges, so this is definitely an adjustment. I'm feeling really determined and motivated (but tired)! I even joined the ACLU and Planned Parenthood (I'm the new secretary!). What i really need to work on now is time management (this means spending less time in the Lounge), and learning to sleep at night instead of the day - I'm naturally nocturnal. The depression is under control for now - In therapy I'm concentrating on how to prevent relapse.

Auralpoison I'm not OCD but I understand what you're saying about the Skittles. I have to color-code everything!

Otherwise how is everyone doing lately?


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"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." -Anais Nin
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geekchickknits
post Oct 9 2008, 10:54 AM
Post #262


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 319


QUOTE(<3drums @ Oct 9 2008, 04:28 AM) *
The CBT we've been trying hasn't been helping much because i don't actually know what thoughts are making me anxious, it's just that scary-bad-sick-feeling, and im not sure i have the confidence to believe the thoughts anyway. but i'm so glad to hear it worked well for you ap! i got really happy a few weeks ago because the CBT got me through something i might have got anxious about, but then it sorta stopped working...might've had something to do with not seeing the counsellor for 2 weeks.


<3drums, that's why I found the book so effective! It has all the pages you need, and gives clear steps to help identify which thoughts are tied to what. Thought journals are KEY.

I also did a 14-week group for CBT, which was excellent, and run by CAMH (Centre for Addiction and Mental Health) which is a public clinic. I'm in Canada, so psychiatrists and these kinds of programs are covered by my provincial healthcare but maybe there is something similar close to you.

The difference between CBT (what I'm talking about) and DBT (what funk is talking about)

I cannot say enough about how much CBT has helped me. Truly, it was the only thing that penetrated an 8 year depression that in the last two years went from "functioning depressive" to "non-functioning depressive." It focuses on moving forward, and leaving the past in the past where it should be. Ultimately, it doesn't matter WHY you are depressed. Even if you do want to address the root causes, a depressed thinking structure is not the place to do it from. Get out, then deal with it (if you think it will be beneficial moving forward.)

Also, remember with CBT, you're not out to create false sunshiny thoughts to think instead of your depressing automatic thoughts, you're creating more realistic ones.

Feel free to PM me if you need to.
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auralpoison
post Oct 9 2008, 10:48 AM
Post #263


Big Fat Bitch
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Posts: 4,932
From: Citizen of the world


I say it again: Word is motherfucking bond. Props, Thirties.

I know somebody has found comfort in Funk. He wouldn't be so hardcore on the PM tip if he weren't. Yes, he contributes. He has a lot of good stuff to say. But it's all about him, really. In the end he's a passive-aggressive smartcunt.


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thirtiesgirl
post Oct 9 2008, 10:26 AM
Post #264


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 580
From: Loss Angeles


Seconded. Like my mother, funk's 'helpful words' mask a self-serving narcissist who controls his own emotions through passive aggression. ...Oh, oops. There go my emotions, getting out of control again.


--------------------
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
-Mae West
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auralpoison
post Oct 9 2008, 09:59 AM
Post #265


Big Fat Bitch
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Posts: 4,932
From: Citizen of the world


Jesus H God, don't even bother with challenging Funk. My antique plaster Nipper listens better than he does. He just gets his panties in a twist & gets all victom-y. Masturbate. It's time well spent instead of time wasted.

<3drums, CBT takes time. I had one on one CBT & also group CBT for a year & a half. I found it really beneficial. It helped me recognize the roots behind my negative behaviour. I no longer spend nights scrubbing my grout because I am upset at something. I still count, I still categorize. I still arrange & quantify. BUT I've learned that professionally, my neurosis is good for bizness. My accute precision can be an asset. I do my own shit, but I edit other's works. A lot of LD people that can't help their mistakes because their brains are wired differently, too. I'm MUCH happier now than I was then because in a small way I can *control* it. It no longer controls my life. I am not OCD. OCD is just a tiny part of me.


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"You're cute, like a velvet glove cast in iron. And like a gas chamber, a real fun gal."
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kittenb
post Oct 9 2008, 09:42 AM
Post #266


There is nothing ironic about Show Choir!
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Posts: 3,261
From: Chicago


<3drums, I was in no way offended about your "pity party" comment. I was concerned that you seem to be minimizing what you are going through. Your pain is valid simply because you as a person are valid. You deserve the help that you are looking for.

Funk, even thought I am going to regret this, I'm going to Take It Outside.


--------------------
In times of destruction, create something.
MHK
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funk0039
post Oct 9 2008, 04:42 AM
Post #267


BUSTie
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Posts: 60
From: St Cloud MN, USA


[3drums]
i hope i didnt offend by the '</pityparty>

I dunno about anyone else, but I wasn't offended in the least. The tone of your post wasn't hostile, so I didn't interpret that bit as such.

When I wrote "Wise priest/holy person" I was referring to the status given to certain people since ancient times. It has nothing to do with religion. To recognize them, all you need to do is watch for the following:
1 Their eyes will stand out, they'll seem intense, and also oddly kind if you manage to clear your mind enough of your own fears.
2 When you are near them, and especially when they speak, you'll feel oddly calmer, more at peace.
3 If you ask other people's opinions, they'll usually agree that the person you name is pretty cool, and very smart.
4 Oddly, small children and nearly all animals will almost instantly go ga-ga over them. This has its limits, because any wild animal will only get so relaxed with time.
It doesn't matter if you believe in God or not, these people will help, because it's their nature. Most won't even mention any sort of religious faith, and if they do they won't insist at any rate that you convert.

Where time is concerned, you're going to have to figure out what your priorities are. I bet if you asked your counselor, he/she would probably help you find more time, even perhaps working something out with the school itself. If things are as grave as you wrote before, then I can almost guarantee they'd do something to help if you told them what's changing in your life(getting worse etc).

"work out how i'd tell my parents. Another thing is that my mother works at the closest local health service which includes mental health help, so she'd know and while maybe that shouldn't be an issue, at the moment it is for me."
My mom wasn't exactly happy with finding out that I hurt a lot about my childhood, that I remember pain. She even asked "Did your counselor put this in your head?!" I broke up crying after that. I dunno what to say. You've got to do something, anything would be better than nothing, but I really have no clue what to say to your mother. I screwed up with mine, even though I told her that I never even mentioned her to my therapist at all(it was the truth).

"The CBT we've been trying hasn't been helping much because i don't actually know what thoughts are making me anxious, it's just that scary-bad-sick-feeling, and im not sure i have the confidence to believe the thoughts anyway."
It's really hard to know what's real and what's not sometimes. Having a part of your mind that's able to watch the rest of you think isn't an easy thing to come by. The CBT is supposed to help you find that, but no matter what anyone tells you, it's a stone cold bitch to find. I really do wish you luck on this one.

"but i'm so glad to hear it worked well for you ap!"
I'm not totally sure that she was serious, she seemed more sarcastic, and if so it was probably directed at me for promoting CBT style advice. She doesn't like me much, that is common knowledge. That could be my own negativity talking, I dunno. I hope it is.

" i got really happy a few weeks ago because the CBT got me through something i might have got anxious about, but then it sorta stopped working...might've had something to do with not seeing the counsellor for 2 weeks."
[/quote]
I got into a DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) group some time ago, and you practice it almost every day as a result. It usually takes months to get it, and some people take years, but almost all figure it out eventually. Point is, it takes a lot of reinforcement/practice to learn totally new thought patterns. Ever wonder why its so hard for people to change their habits? Same thing.

I'm not gonna sweeten this up. This is gonna take a lot of effort, maybe even years worth of daily attempts and practice to change what's happening inside you. There really is no easy answers, no matter how much you look. There'll be both good and bad days, but you've got to keep trying or you won't ever feel better. Medication helps a little, but not forever and only so much.

I remember talking to a veteran once. He was in the same hospital I was, but he was in for something alcohol related. He was talking about his recurring problems (I think he was a Vietnam vet, but I can't remember properly since my memory sucks about painful times in my life). I had a funny feeling in the back of my head, and I looked at him and said something about maybe the reason why he drank so much is that he was really depressed because his life wasn't a happy one. I said that if he was really drunk, he's not thinking about how miserable his life is, he's thinking about putting one foot in front of the other and sitting up straight on the stool. I said that when you block things up, they just build steadily until it eats people from the inside out. He's just buying time with the booze, so when he's sober it comes back fiercer than ever. So he drinks, and it just gets worse. He stopped, and really looked at me. I dunno why. I don't think he was mad, just startled. I'm guessing I got him thinking, but I don't recall what he said after that.

I don't know how much of that helps you, since you aren't into drugs, but then again hurting yourself somehow might be the same sort of thing, I dunno. I just want to help, somehow.


--------------------
"Know thyself." Socrates
"This above all to thineownself be true." William Shakepeare
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." the Bible
These 3 laws govern who I am, whether or not you like it.
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<3drums
post Oct 9 2008, 03:28 AM
Post #268


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Posts: 23
From: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia


thanks everyone... thankfully today has been a little better depression-wise (but unfortunately, worse anxiety-wise).
i hope i didnt offend by the '</pityparty>' i just realised how that might read negatively for you, you might think i feel like your posts on here are pity parties...i dont, and i didnt mean it that way...i don't want to crap on here about why i said it, just, apologise if anyone was offended.
i guess what you were saying funk0039 about talking to a wise person etc is part of the problem; im not close with my parents, and i don't trust them enough to just say screw the non-close-ness and talk (this is all part of the problem i guess), and i havent got a "wise priest/holy person' to talk about it... as an athiest i kinda find it a bit, not offensive, but sorta , 'eerhm' that it's assumed someone does have a person like that in their life, but no hard feelings or anything, i know what you're saying.

as far as finding other mental health services, $$ is a part of it, but its more trying to fit in the time to a) find someone else, b)get there in between school and work and more school, and c) work out how i'd tell my parents. Another thing is that my mother works at the closest local health service which includes mental health help, so she'd know and while maybe that shouldn't be an issue, at the moment it is for me.
But i think my counsellor is going to refer me to someone, so hopefully that'll help. The CBT we've been trying hasn't been helping much because i don't actually know what thoughts are making me anxious, it's just that scary-bad-sick-feeling, and im not sure i have the confidence to believe the thoughts anyway. but i'm so glad to hear it worked well for you ap! i got really happy a few weeks ago because the CBT got me through something i might have got anxious about, but then it sorta stopped working...might've had something to do with not seeing the counsellor for 2 weeks.

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auralpoison
post Oct 8 2008, 07:25 PM
Post #269


Big Fat Bitch
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Posts: 4,932
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Oh! Oh! Oh! *raises hand* I did CBT for my OCD. It helped me a lot. I have very few weird, trippy negative behaviours anymore, where I used to have tonnes. I still can't eat Skittles like a normal person, but at least I understand why & try to curb it.


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"You're cute, like a velvet glove cast in iron. And like a gas chamber, a real fun gal."
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geekchickknits
post Oct 8 2008, 05:41 PM
Post #270


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 319


QUOTE(olivarria @ Sep 24 2008, 10:46 PM) *
Starpiste would you mind throwing out some names of good self-help books for depression? There are so many out there, I'm not sure where to start!


A bit of delay here (I don't come into the thread often) but a book that really helped me with my depression was Mind Over Mood - a workbook on Cognative Behavioural Therapy.
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funk0039
post Oct 8 2008, 04:22 PM
Post #271


BUSTie
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Posts: 60
From: St Cloud MN, USA


QUOTE(kittenb @ Oct 8 2008, 04:03 PM) *
I would never say that your emotions are out of controll because that would be rude


I've suffered from depression quite a lot. When I wrote that, I was writing from experience. Fundamentally, depression is a result of blocked emotions, so they build up and overwhelm your rational mind. However, simply facing your emotions on your own is too much to bear, because often they are too intense and you fall apart. A therapist is supposed to help you discover what is hurting inside at a slow enough rate that it doesn't overwhelm. A therapist also helps by pointing things out when you are stuck and can't find a way to grow, thereby speeding things up. You can't go too logical because things don't make sense, and you can't go too emotional because then you flip out at people you care for at the least little thing.

By definition, being depressed means your emotions ARE out of control because you can no longer function healthily. You've got to find a balance, and then try to figure out what's screwing you up so you can eliminate the cause of your sadness by dealing with it somehow.

kittenb, I find your remark to be a mite offensive. Do you honestly think I'm being rude? I don't. I don't know if that's what you meant, but that's how I interpreted it. Passive aggressive comments really aren't helping either I or the people who post here. You've got to find a healthier means of expressing your anger, I think. Please, don't do that again. It would be nice if you were more assertive in manner, but not aggressive either. Aggression or passiveness won't help you get the response you want out of me, or anyone else for that matter in most situations. They have their place, but not in this instance.

I've read that some of you on the trolls thread think that I'm arrogant, self-righteous or even just panicky. I am none of those things, because I really don't feel that way. I just don't want anyone to make the same mistakes I have if I can at all help it. Nobody deserves to make themselves feel like crap. That's why I responded the way I did. Since you can't hear my tone of voice, you have no idea what I'm feeling right now, so please don't make assumptions. I'm pretty sure I haven't made any. When I'm feeling messed up, I know that I don't think clearly, so having someone remind me of the truth helps.

Thanks for listening calmly, I really appreciate it.


--------------------
"Know thyself." Socrates
"This above all to thineownself be true." William Shakepeare
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." the Bible
These 3 laws govern who I am, whether or not you like it.
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kittenb
post Oct 8 2008, 04:03 PM
Post #272


There is nothing ironic about Show Choir!
***
Posts: 3,261
From: Chicago


<3drums - Is it possible that your community has mental health services that are available? Much of that comes at low- or no-cost, if money is an issue. Having a good connection with a mental health provider makes a world of difference.
I would never say that your emotions are out of controll because that would be rude and you obviously have the ability to ask for help when you feel like you are in danger of loosing it. Venting here is in no way induging in a pity party. It is actually a good sign because it tells me that you still have the ability to reach for help and you still believe that you deserve it.
You say that you have been here before so I think that you, more than anyone, knows how to recognize any danger signs. If you feel that things are rough enough that some medication would help, then go for it. The combination of medication plus counseling plus your own wisdom can do wonderful things. Medication can take some time to kick in but sometimes knowing that help is on the way can make some diffence on its own.
Best of luck! Let me know if I can help in some way.


--------------------
In times of destruction, create something.
MHK
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funk0039
post Oct 8 2008, 01:59 PM
Post #273


BUSTie
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Posts: 60
From: St Cloud MN, USA


QUOTE(<3drums @ Oct 8 2008, 12:41 AM) *
i want to be able to actually do something about this. my counsellor doesnt get that i am completely, well, up shit creek, because i'm terrible at opening up, and coz she's not a pyschologist/whatever, she can't actually prescribe me drugs... she's just the fucking school counsellor who i had to go to because i'm {only} 17, completely confused, and i can't talk to anyone else. even though i barely manage to talk to her.

*sigh*. fuck. i'm so tired of this.

</pity party>.

Your emotions are out of control. To be healthy, both your logic and your emotions must be balanced in all your decisions. Therefore, your judgment is flawed. Go to the wisest person you know of either gender. Explain to them the bald facts, that you can no longer think clearly. Give them examples. Ask them what to do. Most likely you do need medication, but that is only a tiny part of it. Medication is only a jump start to a car battery, it is only a temporary fix. To heal, you must get serious counseling, which is beyond what your school counselor is capable of. You need a real therapist or a "wise priest/holy person" in other words.

Your age has nothing to do with this, don't discount your pain because of your teenager status. You must fight your urge to isolate yourself. Force yourself to talk to people. Sooner or later you will find someone who will do their best to help. Even if they can do nothing, they will help you find someone who can help.

I would be happy to sit and listen to anything you have to say/write. But all I can do is give you distant advice, you need more.


--------------------
"Know thyself." Socrates
"This above all to thineownself be true." William Shakepeare
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." the Bible
These 3 laws govern who I am, whether or not you like it.
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<3drums
post Oct 8 2008, 12:41 AM
Post #274


BUSTie
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Posts: 23
From: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia


((((busties)))) and hello all who haven't encountered me yet... i'm still a lurker mostly.
but i need to vent, or get some of your advice, or something...
most of all i think i need some god damn drugs.
im sick of this.
i didnt want to actually say im depressed again, but thinking about it, well, i don't want to cry myself to sleep again, or burst into tears over the slightest thing. this has never happened before, which maybe shows how bad it is; i've lost my apetite. i just dont want to eat. and usually i love food...
i don't want to feel unmotivated, tired, basically, i don't want to feel like crap all the time.
i know i didnt used to be like this. i mean its a long time since i'd say i've felt like my old self, or basically, worry-free, or happy...but these past few days it's got worse. worse, i'd say than its ever been. even if i havent gone back to self harming {...yet?}. and im so sick of this. for gods sake, its not even like my life is completely atrocious at the moment...apart from an anxiety disorder, lack of close friendships, fucked up sleep and eating habits, a dead dog who was more like a family member/best friend and everything reminding me of him, and a counsellor who i just don't really click with. oh and going back to school after term break - im liking the whole hanging out with friends part, but not the whole 'be bored SHITLESS, waste your time' bit.
you know what else'd be just dandy?

some fucking self esteem. i'm sure thats a big part of the problem...i don't think i had a hell of a lot to start with, and the remainder is in tatters i'd say.

i want to be able to actually do something about this. my counsellor doesnt get that i am completely, well, up shit creek, because i'm terrible at opening up, and coz she's not a pyschologist/whatever, she can't actually prescribe me drugs... she's just the fucking school counsellor who i had to go to because i'm {only} 17, completely confused, and i can't talk to anyone else. even though i barely manage to talk to her.

*sigh*. fuck. i'm so tired of this.

</pity party>.
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funk0039
post Oct 2 2008, 12:24 AM
Post #275


BUSTie
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Posts: 60
From: St Cloud MN, USA


QUOTE(Muffy @ Oct 1 2008, 07:57 PM) *
It seems every time I feel like things might be moving in a good direction something bad happens. I'm trying really really hard to think positively, but its things like that that make me feel frustrated and hopeless.
Its great that you were able to overcome this huge obstacle and see it in a positive light. I think a lot of people would end up being bitter and angry over such a thing.


This is going to sound a mite odd, but I have an idea. A while back I remember having almost exactly the same pattern happening. A part of me thought that I didn't deserve to be happy, so I'd do something foolish to sabotage myself, and therefore be miserable again. I'm NOT saying this is your problem, but it could be. None of the examples you've showed me seem like part of it, but the way you worded "It seems every time I feel like things might be moving in a good direction something bad happens." sounded really familiar. It's just an idea, so don't be offended, okay?

Since most of my life has been a series of nasty obstacles and sad occurrences, I've had to learn to adapt to survive. I'm still trying to learn as much as possible when something bad happens, so that way I don't make the same mistake twice, but it's really hard. I just don't want to spend the rest of my life being like this, feeling miserable and lonely. I still feel a little angry about what happened, but there's really nothing I can do to change it. You know what the fucked up thing is? The woman who scammed me STILL wants to talk, and just texted me stating that she just got out of the hospital. No matter what happens, she's not getting a penny out of me, and I intend to get a different bank account because a while back I gave the number to her. That's how trusting I was, I didn't want to believe that this could be a scam.

Thanks for the compliment! I'm not very good at receiving them, so I'm trying to get better at it.


--------------------
"Know thyself." Socrates
"This above all to thineownself be true." William Shakepeare
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." the Bible
These 3 laws govern who I am, whether or not you like it.
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Muffy
post Oct 1 2008, 07:57 PM
Post #276


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 217
From: Rhode Island


funk0039, I don't feel like I'm making much headway that is the problem. It seems every time I feel like things might be moving in a good direction something bad happens. Like I need to buy work shoes and have only $41 in my bank account so I'm wearing shoes that are stretched out and uncomfortable to both of my jobs. Which I suppose is okay because one of my jobs decided I don't need to work next week! So I'll only be wearing them to one job instead of two! I'm trying really really hard to think positively, but its things like that that make me feel frustrated and hopeless.

I emailed my professor today because the teacher I'm supposed to be working with never called like he said he would. We've been playing phone tag. I supposed to go in today, then he called and said that there was state testing and he'd call about me going in tomorrow. Its 9pm, looks like I'm not going in this week either. I hope my professor can set me up with something else, this is ridiculous!

Its not like my whole life is doom and gloom. I hung out with my friends last night, since I wasn't going to go to school this morning. I had a good day today, I didn't cry, and I worked on some paintings.

Its great that you were able to overcome this huge obstacle and see it in a positive light. I think a lot of people would end up being bitter and angry over such a thing.


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funk0039
post Oct 1 2008, 02:11 AM
Post #277


BUSTie
**
Posts: 60
From: St Cloud MN, USA


QUOTE(Muffy @ Sep 30 2008, 11:38 PM) *
My mom tried to remind me that I will be getting a paycheck from the new job soon, but... its all going to end up going towards bills! I'm also annoyed that my new job has a uniform, or more specifically certain clothes that I have to buy to wear there!

I'm not very productive when I feel down. For some reason its easy for me to be painting and thinking of other things but if I'm feeling depressed I just can't paint. Its like a roadblock. I can paint on my good days. The past few months I haven't been having very good days either. I was hoping a second job and school would help me feel better about myself. School is going so-so. I was supposed to get a teaching placement and so far I haven't gone and everyone else in my class has! I'm really disappointed. I used money from dwindling savings account just to take this one class so I could get a placement, get experience, and take a step in the right direction. Now I feel like it was in vain. I'm so frustrated.


Ok, first off I agree with your mother. Yes it sucks that you have to buy clothes for a job that you just got, and yes it sucks that you're broke and most of your first paycheck is going to bills. BUT, at least you are making headway, aren't you? You gotta try to look at things differently. Thinking like that is a part of depression. For example:

Just recently I got scammed out of $2600 from someone that I thought I'd have a chance to be with for a long time to come. I was an idiot. It's not the money, it's the fact that my heart was screwed with that hurt so much. You know what? Instead of looking at it like that, I'm actually relieved to finally know the truth, even though it's a terrible truth. Moreover, it took a LOT of effort to get that money out of me. Is it really worth all that work to scam somebody? Even worse, people like that will constantly be trying to make themselves feel better by hurting others, but it never lasts. So, in a way I do have justice. At least someday I have a chance to be happy. The person who scammed me never will. THAT'S WHAT I MEAN. See how I shifted my thinking from my loss to something else? It doesn't always work, but at least this helps.

To be more concrete, how about you bug whoever it is that's supposed to get you a teaching placement? If you still need to wait, do what you can to speed the process, including bugging these people for status updates and asking if there's anything you can do to help.

It's hard to paint right now, ok that sucks. Is there anything else you could try to help you think? If you can't think of anything proven to help, try random things until you find something that works. Grab a tennis ball and go for a walk. Try to bounce the ball as you walk. If you can do that, try to listen to the world as you go. Really immerse yourself in it, in the sensations. That sort of thing really helps you calm your emotions, I've found.


--------------------
"Know thyself." Socrates
"This above all to thineownself be true." William Shakepeare
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." the Bible
These 3 laws govern who I am, whether or not you like it.
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Muffy
post Sep 30 2008, 11:38 PM
Post #278


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 217
From: Rhode Island


funk0039, I tried to paint today when I realized I had $41 in my bank account and still need to buy shoes for work and I just got a second job! I found myself wondering what's the point if you work two jobs and shoes from Walmart are too much money! My mom tried to remind me that I will be getting a paycheck from the new job soon, but... its all going to end up going towards bills! I'm also annoyed that my new job has a uniform, or more specifically certain clothes that I have to buy to wear there!

I'm not very productive when I feel down. For some reason its easy for me to be painting and thinking of other things but if I'm feeling depressed I just can't paint. Its like a roadblock. I can paint on my good days. The past few months I haven't been having very good days either. I was hoping a second job and school would help me feel better about myself. School is going so-so. I was supposed to get a teaching placement and so far I haven't gone and everyone else in my class has! I'm really disappointed. I used money from dwindling savings account just to take this one class so I could get a placement, get experience, and take a step in the right direction. Now I feel like it was in vain. I'm so frustrated.

starpiste, I hope things get better for you. Money problems don't help anyone feel better about anything.

olivarria, I'm sorry about your Dad.


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starpiste
post Sep 30 2008, 09:50 PM
Post #279


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 142
From: Vancouver, BC


I'm feeling like crap today. I had a slow day at work (few clients=low income) and both my bank accounts are overdrawn and I might no be able to cover my rent tomorrow, no matter buy my transit pass for the month. Then I went to file my taxes (finally, due to problems with my paperwork) and it won't let me file online. Now I have to do a paper file, which involves a lot more work, and calling the school I feel I have a sour relationship with to get documentation they never sent me. all ugh. Plus I have two places calling me because I'm behind on payments but I have no idea how or when I'll be able to pay them because I have no idea what my income will be any given week.

I just feel like a general mess. I hoped by now all this financial stuff would be settled but it feels like more of a mess than ever. And then I second guess all kinds of other decisions I've made, and then my entire ability to function. the snowball builds so quickly these days. I'm going to have more food and watch tv all night. Hopefully I feel a bit better tomorrow. If not the therapist will get to deal with me being as negative as I can be.
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funk0039
post Sep 30 2008, 08:28 PM
Post #280


BUSTie
**
Posts: 60
From: St Cloud MN, USA


QUOTE(olivarria @ Sep 30 2008, 02:43 AM) *
"Some people just don't like their children." But sometimes it still hurts, you know? But I can't change him, so there's nothing i can do about the situation but accept reality.


$*%$$&^$!!!! I was hoping that it hadn't gone that far yet. One of the most painful lessons I had to learn was that no matter how hard you try, you can't make anyone do anything. I wanted my mother and even my bio father to apologize, or failing that just listen instead of ignoring me. I hoped that by just telling them how I felt, they might realize what they'd done. That didn't happen, and it hurts knowing that your parents don't give a flying ^%#^&$ for you. I even tried, just a little while ago, to simply spend time with my parents, but they don't bother to return my calls. I didn't want you to have to endure what I had, I'm sorry I was too late and reminded you of your loss. I usually spend any holiday alone and depressed, feeling rejected.

I'm surprised you can remember back to age 4. I only have vague recollections of my childhood.

There is one thing that I did that seems to be helping, but I don't know if it's an option for you. I began to develop my ability to read people, and used that plus roleplaying games to create a circle of friends. These people are so close they are almost family. Jason is even thinking of bringing me to his family's Christmas, but he has to ask them first.

It got so bad that recently, I got suckered out of 2600 by a "woman" on the internet. The loneliness got so great that I couldn't think clearly, so I made another sacrifice to have the chance to have someone to hold, to care for and maybe even be loved by. It wasn't the first time, either. I once gave up all the money I had so I could help someone I thought of as a good friend. He even promised me he'd get my car out of the tow company. I lost the car, and I haven't seen him in years now. I don't think he intended to screw me, I just think he was desperate and willing to use anybody to get out of the hole he was in.

Few humans are as giving as I can be. The problem is that I don't know when I should stop giving, and expect a return. My gifts really don't have strings, and I really am somebody you can count on in a crisis. It's too bad I haven't found a woman that would stay with me, because I think that to finish healing I have to complete the circle by having children of my own and raising them right.

I just don't want you to have to make the same bad decisions I made, I'm far too intimate with pain and nobody deserves that. I wish I could help, I really do. sad.gif


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"Know thyself." Socrates
"This above all to thineownself be true." William Shakepeare
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." the Bible
These 3 laws govern who I am, whether or not you like it.
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