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> Frustrated Singles
candycane_girl
post Mar 1 2008, 12:22 PM
Post #301


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 2,336
From: Canada


Well, I did something crazy the other day. I posted an ad on craigslist! So far I've gotten a lot of great responses (and been kind of overwhelmed by the number of responses). Maybe something will come of it!
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Sststststutter
post Feb 18 2008, 03:23 PM
Post #302


BUSTie
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Posts: 30
From: Philadelphia


Muffy, you are absolutely right...I sometimes have trouble with that whole playing the field thing though...

The good(ish) news is that I hung out with the boy on Saturday night. After plenty of drinks, I decided to be mischievous and bring up the whole player thing. When I said, "So, I heard you were a player," he was incredulous, telling me that's the opposite of the truth; how could he be a player if he's been in two back-to-back 3-year relationships? So he's not a player. But...yikes.

He basically told me that he's been single for two months, and is trying to find his own identity, especially since in his last relationship he and the girl were considered a package-deal. I can appreciate that. I don't want to rush into any serious relationship myself. The confusing thing is, he kissed me. And we ended up staying up all night together, kissing and talking. So what will come of this, I don't know, because I don't feel 100% good about dealing with a guy possibly on the rebound. And I don't know if this whole "finding himself" thing is going to involve him getting with a ton of girls or not... it's possible that he has become such a relationship guy that he won't, but nothing is certain. oy.



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all you need are drums to start a dance party:::...
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Muffy
post Feb 12 2008, 08:44 PM
Post #303


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 217
From: Rhode Island


Sststststutter, nothing wrong with you playing the field a little bit yourself.


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Sststststutter
post Feb 12 2008, 01:05 PM
Post #304


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Posts: 30
From: Philadelphia


nubian queen... wow, that guy does NOT know what he wants. best to not get mixed up in it any more than you already are. just because you have chemistry doesn't mean that you should be available to him every time is fickle ex decides she doesn't want to be with him. don't be the second best, but realize that at this point, he doesn't deserve for you to be the first either.

Muffy... it's hard to get that out of your mind, I know! and it's okay to not like being single because, hell, if you don't, you don't. I think the difference between being contently single and being frustrated, is when you see that cute couple, thinking "why the hell can't i find that?" and thinking "man, I can't wait to find that." the first thought sort of is undershadowed by the idea that "i'll never find it" while the second is sort of confident that one day you will. i feel like the days that feel like i'll never find it outnumber the days i feel like i will, but usually when i feel like i will, that's when things happen.

as for me, I've processed things a lot more. most of all, i can't take what other people say as gospel! i totally disregarded the fact that my guy pal had/has no idea of the attention that Mr. I-A has been showing me, so he probably assumed that I'm pining away, which isn't exactly the case. And I'm not being taken advantage of; I haven't even hooked up with Mr. I-A, and he really hasn't made me feel played at all, actually. In fact, he sent me a text on Sunday morning telling me that it was nice running into me on Friday. I think that's a good sign. So I have decided to remain cautiously optomistic, to take my time with this, and maybe just let him do most of the pursuing. After all, all guys are players that are playing the field until they find a girl they like, right?


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all you need are drums to start a dance party:::...
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Muffy
post Feb 11 2008, 09:03 PM
Post #305


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 217
From: Rhode Island


candycane_girl, yeah I've been going out, partying and having fun, trying not to let being single or the stupid dating site get me down... I have a lot going on in my life that I should be happy about, but its there in the back of my mind when I see a happy cute couple and wonder 'why the hell can't I find that???!!'


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candycane_girl
post Feb 11 2008, 12:33 PM
Post #306


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 2,336
From: Canada


Muffy, I had a similar experience on a dating site. The few guys listed as my "matches" that I actually found attractive didn't message me back. And then I would get random guys from halfway across the world messaging me which I just felt was pointless.

Right now I don't even care that I'm single. I've been in kind of a partying mood lately so all that matters is that I can make plans with friends on the weekend and go out and have some fun.
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Muffy
post Feb 11 2008, 11:17 AM
Post #307


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 217
From: Rhode Island


nubian_queen, I can't say I've ever had that happen to me but that guy needs to take a hike. Unless your just in it for sex and fun, though you sound a bit annoyed by the whole thing. I don't if sounds worth it, there are plenty of people out there that are probably more worthy of your attention.

Sststststutter, been there with people who suddenly decide that they don't wish to have a relationship. I dated someone for approximately 5 months, it wasn't exclusive but she pursued me and then up and decided, yeah I don't really want a relationship right now?! Just feel blessed that it wasn't 5 months into what you hoped would blossom into a relationship, at least it was just a one night thing.

I throw my hands up in the air and almost give up on dating! I joined an online personals site thinking ok here goes nothing. and nothing has happened! I emailed a few attractive, interesting singles. Not a one has contacted me. Not even people I haven't contacted. I feel like the 'ugly duckling' on this site. what the f?! Honestly at this point a fun night out with someone interesting would be fabulous and I can't seem to even get that!


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nubian_queen
post Feb 9 2008, 10:26 PM
Post #308


Newbie
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Posts: 3


AAAAAAAARG!!! I am emencely frustrated with dating!!!!


Over the past 2 or so years I was in two different relationships with two very differnt men. On was a total foxy, educated,intelligent prince, and the other was a sweet sinsitive teddy bear. The educated prince and I broke up because he was in Georgia and I was in California and we didn't want to maintain a long distance relationship. I broje up with the teddy bear because the realationship was going nowhere and I was getting bored with him. To add a point, after the both of these relationships, i was happy to be single and move on with my life. It's very easy for me to have a boyfriend, but dating is soooooooooo hard.

Back in October I went to a gallery show and met a funny, artistic, very handsome guy. We hit it off, exchanged information, and had our first date the following week. I was estatic because i don't meet interesting guys that often and I was looking forward to going out with this guy. A month into going out he tells me that his ex had called and wanted to get back together with him and of course he caved in. After all that time we spent together and great chemistry happening between the two of us, the "former" had to come back into the picture. I was pissed but luckily a co-worker who had been crushing on me for months finally asked me out. It was fun, the sex was great, but there wasn't a lot we could talk about or do together because of conflicting schedules. But he turned out to be a fantastic fuck buddy.

Just when I was completely over the guy i met at the gallery, he calls me out of nowhere sometime after the new year saying that he realised things between him and the girlfriend didn't work out and he wanted to see me again. I was very hesitant and really didn't want to see him, but eventually I caved and we started hanging out again. It was fun, we'd hang out at his apt and make art and talk.

But once again the indecisive girlfriend came back into the picture and again, the cycle of stupidity continued. This time I wasn't sad like before, but i was more furious than anything. He kept going on about how much he liked me and thought i was attractive, but was still in love with his ex.

So one night he just looked me in the eyes and told me i should seduce him, he couldn't stand the thought of not having me so we did the deed and he's just going crazy right now because now he's paranoid that the woman he loves, but is not in a relationship with, is going to find out that he had sex with the woman he was dating after so many times while they were broke up.

Ugh! It's fuggin' re-donk-ulous! I find it even more funny that after sex, she called him right after she got off of work to tell him that she misses him and they should work things out. I have a feeling this is going to happen every couple of months so I don't really expect him to want to get in a relationship with me...but gawd this is some bull-crap! Has anyone ever had this problem? Why are guys so hung up on their ex's? When I;'m reasy to move on....I'm ready to move on! mad.gif
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Sststststutter
post Feb 9 2008, 12:11 PM
Post #309


BUSTie
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Posts: 30
From: Philadelphia


I'm barging in, throwing the door open so hard that it backlashes off the wall, and shouting, "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS NOT READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP THING SUPPOSED TO BE!?" I apologize for the dramatic entrance, but I'm frustrated. I don't understand. I must be naive to the ways of dating and romance. Okay, so you (you being a general term here) don't think you want to be in a relationship right now, maybe you just got out of a serious relationship and want to be single, maybe you want to have nonexclusive sex with lots of people, whatever. But what if, during this time of freedom you MEET someone? Isn't that how it's supposed to work anyway, love finds you aren't looking for it? Can someone explain this to me?

What's driving this frustration right now is this: About a month ago, when I was feeling invincible and blissfully single, I went down to Baltimore with a ton of people for a friend's birthday celebration, and I ended up spending most of the night talking with this incredibly attractive guy who had come down with some mutual friends. I'd never met him before that night, and I wasn't even going to pay him any mind until he drew me in with some good old eye contact. To make a long story short, we've hung out twice since then, both times were very chill affairs including other people, and we've also been in contact through facebook and text messaging. This whole time I've felt pretty secure that he is at least interested in me, especially since he's been both responsive to the times I've made contact with him and likely to initiate contact with me as well. This is a nice change for me because I have a big pining problem, not to mention that I've fairly recently gotten over a 6-month long unrequited love affair. Anyway, I'd been really pleased with the direction things were headed, until last night.

The plan was to go out dancing with my best guy pal. In our search to find people to join us, my friend called another friend, and we ended up meeting up with her. Don't you know it, Mr. Incredibly Attractive is there, because he is also friends with this girl! I had a great night, dancing with my friends, keeping it light with Mr. I-A until the end of the night when we were both too drunk to not dance with each other. I was feeling really good about the whole thing. But then, I was given some information. I shared a cab with another girlfriend and unwisely chose to get out too far away from my apartment, so I called my guy pal to be my "safety" as I walked home. As I was walking, he said to me, "I have some bad news." Basically, he informed me that he took it upon himself to ask one of the Mr. I-A's roommates some questions, and the roommate said that Mr. I-A is playing the field right now. My pal also mentioned the word "player". If that's what the roommate actually said, or how my pal interpreted things, I don't know. Basically, my pal was telling me to not get attached, to take it easy. I know he's looking out for me because he knows how I get... but wow did that ever ruin my night! And so now I'm all confused.

In the interest of not getting hurt, I now feel like I want to give up on this guy if he's only going to play me. But on the other hand, why should I do that just because I heard second hand that he's a player? Should it be against the rules to pursue someone who thinks they are not interested in a relationship right now? UGH I just don't know.


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all you need are drums to start a dance party:::...
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coela
post Feb 8 2008, 08:24 AM
Post #310


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 248
From: North of no south



puppy, I second samiam & ophelia - kick him out. Dump all his stuff on the street if you have to.


So, I'm in a slightly weird dating situation now. Last week I bumped into PR guy (anyone
remember him? If not, no wonder, since it has been two bloody months since our date)
at a concert, which was weird b/c it really doesn't seem like his "scene". He looked very out
of place too. I said hello, and he asked me or rather TOLD ME to come by his office during
the week to have coffee. I said um, sure, but I have no idea what that means. What the hell
am I supposed to do in his office? Make garlands out of paper clips? Maybe I'm over-reacting
here, but it sounds like a pretty half-assed invitation. Or maybe he's just busy as usual.

During the same night I was asked out for coffee by a guy I've known superficially for 2-3 years.
I've always felt that he likes me, but we haven't really talked much. But I've been getting vibes,
like he touches my arm or my elbow a lot when he talks, and hugs me close rather than polite
when he's leaving, stuff like that. So I wasn't suprised when he asked me. We met yesterday,
and took a walk and a coffee for a couple of hours, and I got to know quite a lot about him.
He's lovely, very cute and a genuinely nice guy, excellent taste, we share just about every
interest and value I could think of. That is pretty rare in my case.

My only problem with him is that he's so nice I feel like the wicked witch - he's constantly moving
his boundaries and is very accepting towards behaviour I wouldn't put up with for two minutes.
He also talked too much about his crazy ex, how she scarred him or some such. They broke up
very recently, so that's understandable I guess, but it just annoys me when people who clearly
aren't ready for dating go about and do it anyway, and then implicitly tells you to wait for them.
(which is what he did, as I understood it) But what the hell, he texted me today and said he had
a great time, that I'm a good person and that he'd like to see me again soon.

Problem is, for some stupid reason I'm more attracted to PR guy. Don't know why, cause he's
probably not dying to see ME. And he has a kid, which seems like a lot of hassle to me, to date
someone who has a kid with another person I mean. Not that they're together now, but who knows.
The mother to the kid will always be around in any case.

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samiam
post Feb 5 2008, 11:10 PM
Post #311


BUSTie
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Posts: 91
From: San Francisco


Ok, so the alst two weeks have been as follows:

The guy who I was seeing off and on for a year and a half plus, and with whom I went through an abortion this spring three days before he left for 6 months to travel South America, finally turned up a month after coming home. We had dinner, watched a movie, hung out, and I haven't heard from him since. He sent an email saying that his phone had died and he needed an update, which I sent, and still - nothing.

A guy who I had been very much in like with, had driven six hours to see last year on spring break after over a year of online flirtation interspersed with occasional meetings and phone calls from around the world (literally, he travelled a lot) sent me some sort of 9th step, making amends for sexual addiction and, apparently cheating on a girlfriend I had never known about. And he has herpes. Not that I had ever counted on him, but it turns out that he is a bigger asshole than I thought.

A guy I dated for less than a month, whom I actually had pretty high hopes for but who sent my spidey senses tingling when the angry, controlling side of him started to show through, showed his true colors again with yet another vaguely harassing text message. My best friend's reaction? "He's mean!" She's right. He's also unemployed, living in a trailer on his parents' property, going through a divorce, and, well, kinda scary. When my dog started inexplicably barking at 3 am last night, I was a little worried, to be honest.

Been out on a couple of dates (?) with another guy who is nice, but cynical as hell and about as likely to get into a relationship as he is to win the Pulitzer this year. He is so non-committal he doesn't even own a bed. Anyone who is willing to sleep on the floor to avoid owning furniture is not looking attractive right now.

And then, the sexy blue-eyed Spaniard with whom I have had more attraction, more fun, more intelligent conversations while nakedly entwined, has finally pulled the plug because, after four months of "not being ready for a relationship," he is apparently ready for a relationship with a woman whom he has known for years. I saw it coming, I know. It still hurts.

Being alone hurts.

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opheliathemuse
post Feb 5 2008, 02:30 AM
Post #312


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 472
From: Somewhere over the rainbow beyond the sea


um, no. Marriage is not something you can just untie like a shoelace. Don't do it. And he's being all clingy to say the least. Kick him out.

Good point, samiam. I do a fair bit of F/F land too.


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There is a willow grows aslant a brook,
That shows his hoar leaves in the glassy stream.
There with fantastic garlands did she come...
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samiam
post Feb 2 2008, 08:26 PM
Post #313


BUSTie
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Posts: 91
From: San Francisco


Puppy -- MOVE OUT!!!! If you are the only one on the lease, you can probably get out with 30-days notice. Do it. If you really want to be sneaky and you don't want to give up the apartment, move out for a week -- go through the process, put your stuff in storage, move him out, and then, when he is gone, move back in.

Or, you could just find a new roommate and tell this guy that he needs to move. That's it. He needs to move.

Ok, so I am a good "flighter". Maybe you shouldn't listen to my shit-for-brains gut, either.
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puppykitty
post Feb 2 2008, 08:15 PM
Post #314


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 381
From: Arizona


Hey - my guts have shit for brains as well.

I was seeing a guy for several months, then he moved in with me and started acting like a jerk. So I broke up with him, but he won't move out. And I feel stuck because I kind of need the money, but it's really cramping my style. I feel a little bit ready to date again, but I know he would get jealous, and no guy would be understanding if I said I live with my ex-boyfriend.

I usually refer to him as my roommate, but I feel like I am lying.

And get this: he keeps pressuring me to marry him for a green card. He's been offering me shitloads of money, saying that I can still date other people, etc, just if I will do him this favor. I am starting to feel tempted because I am in such dire financial straits, but what guy will want to date someone who is married to her roommate/ex-boyfriend???


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I'm like a Chocoholic, but for booze.
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stargazer
post Feb 2 2008, 07:58 PM
Post #315


brown delicious
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Posts: 2,938
From: here, there, everywhere


(((GB))) what happened?? i hope he does contact you. i know how you feel though. i question my ability to have a sane relationship. cause i feel like the insane one. (((gb)))

(((sam))) well, it sounds like your hunch is right. i think if things feel like they are moving too fast for you, then things are moving too fast for you. it is not a reflective about you not doing anything right. i say, go with your gut instinct.

then again, my guts have shit for brains (taken from high fidelity btw)...


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"I'm not impressed easily. Wow! A blue car!"-Homer Simpson
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samiam
post Feb 2 2008, 12:36 PM
Post #316


BUSTie
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Posts: 91
From: San Francisco


Fight or Flight. He is in Fight or Flight. I am a frequent visitor to F or F land, and I don't know how to coach anyone out of it, much less get myself out.

The guy who got too serious, too fast, has continued to send me vaguely harrassing text messages, which have only reinforced my initial Spidey Senses tingling and telling me that something was not right about this. I really don't know how to respond, except Fight or Flight. Right now I am choosing Flight, because he scares me a little and I don't want to give him even an inch that might make him think that he is winning.
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opheliathemuse
post Feb 1 2008, 01:16 AM
Post #317


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 472
From: Somewhere over the rainbow beyond the sea


GB, he might be feeling equally strange and confused about the whole thing--the "I don't know what to say" points to "I'm really wishing I could relate/help but I am so incapable of expressing myself." Maybe write him a short note explaining what went on, apologize for overreacting, and leave it at that?


--------------------
There is a willow grows aslant a brook,
That shows his hoar leaves in the glassy stream.
There with fantastic garlands did she come...
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greenbean
post Jan 31 2008, 10:38 PM
Post #318


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 954


Sigh.
I am a very frustrated single again. I'd been seeing someone for the past month that really wanted to know me. I dont usually let people know me because I'm an insecure nutjob. But this guy pushed and sure enough I let him see just how insane I really am and now, he hasnt called in two days. I texted him to apologize (basically I had overreacted to something he said, and lashed out in a very childish way) but he texted back with "I dont know what to say".

Sooo, here I am. Alone again. Probably forever.


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I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.--John Waters
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Muffy
post Jan 18 2008, 05:04 PM
Post #319


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 217
From: Rhode Island


samiam, good question. every person I've ever slept with was defiantly not the right person to be in a relationship with, but damn if they weren't a good lay. I guess that is why they are ex gf's and bf's and not current ones.


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samiam
post Jan 16 2008, 09:52 PM
Post #320


BUSTie
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Posts: 91
From: San Francisco


I just turned 32 on Monday, and I am in much the same boat. I have been in two long-term relationships; both lasted about a year and a half, although there was a brief reunion with one for a few months, but it was doomed from the start. I have definitely felt that loneliness of being the only one not in a couple. I have longed and pined to be one of the coupled ones, to have someone's name to put on the card. But, the guys who have offered that have scared the shit out of me. And, I really like having sex. I have a great fantasy life that sometimes is realized, and guys around here looking for commitment, etc., don't really want to be with a bisexual, liberal, Jewish girl from New England. And the guys who make me cum are not exactly "husband" material. So here I am, a walking conundrum. I want to be in a relationship, but I want to fuck. Is it possible to have sparks and commitment? To have great sex and not be bored stiff, but still know that the bills will get paid?
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