[candycane_girl]

snow_white, I've never had anyone say that directly to me but I've heard people talk like that before.

I know there can be a lot of upsides to being single but I've been single for 3 years! Enough, I've had it! I want to find someone!

I know I shouldn't be complaining about having not met anyone at school yet though. Classes don't even start until next week so who knows what'll happen after that. Also, I don't know how attractive I am right now because I am literally covered in mosquito bites that are up in huge red welts. I have 6 on each arm so I wouldn't be surprised if I look like I have some kind of disease or something!

[erinjane]

I don't have the problem of being shy, but I'm with you on not finding anyone at university. There is only one guy I have been seriously interested in in the past year. I agree too though that being alone isn't necessarily a bad thing (just check out the "praise of singledom" thread). I really needed this past year to be by myself, and I could probably even use a little more alone time.

Speaking of that One guy, he's the one I was talking about in July. I don't know what the hell is going on with him. He seems interested when we see each other, I'll make a move to get together, things end up in the air, and then we don't end up doing anything. We haven't ended up hanging out 1 on 1 so far because we were both pretty busy and out of the city fairly often over the summer. But now, we'll see each other at a party or a show, talk for a good while, say "hey, let's do something", and it doesn't happen. Last time I saw him we sat and talked for 2 hours or something.

He's seems really nice and down to earth so I'm completely confused. We talk through facebook and I asked how he was doing, and he says, quote, he's looking forward to seeing me, he thinks i'm cool, and that he wants to hang out sometime.

There's a chance I might see him at a show tonight, but I just don't know what the hell is going on. I don't even have anyone else I can move on to crush on.

[snow white]

((candycane girl))~ ah, i feel you're pain, candy, i really do. i'm painfully shy and haven't dated in over a year! god, it's scary out there...

and i was on the phone w/ my bitchy preggo friend the other day and we were discussing the horrible state of our girlfriends relationship and she says, "god, i'd rather be alone than deal with that crap." whoa, two steps back. i didn't relize being alone was supposed to be a sentance? anyone else get this shit?

(i previously posted my angst in general dating advice but then relized i should be in here instead, *hi busties*)

[candycane_girl]

Alright, I had avoided this thread in the past because I just moved to Toronto and in my old city I figured there was no point in starting anything since I would be moving. But I'm here now and I have to say, I'm a frustrated single. I'm painfully shy and haven't dated anyone in almost 3 years! My mom keeps saying that it will happen when it happens but I'm just feeling frustrated and yet I don't even know how to take charge! I haven't met anyone yet, but I'm going to an orientation event tonight so who knows. Is it asking too much to want to meet a decent guy now that I'm in university, surrounded by guys?

[anna k]

Yeah. I had good conversations with a guy through IM, and we talked about meeting, but I haven't seen him online lately, and I haven't even met him yet, so I can't ask for him phone number. Maybe next time when he's on and we get talking we can set something up.

[xexyz]

Well, it's been almost a month on OKcupid and I haven't had so much as a conversation with anyone, so it looks like it's time to move on.

[Moonpieluv]

Oh snarky, you are so sweetsy. Thank you for kind words and encouragement. I don't think he's playing me really....

See, we hung out last night. He picked me up at work, let me run an errand, suggested I might as well grab some laundry to do at his place (no w/d at mine), offered up his detergent, took me grocery shopping and paid for all of it practically.... we had pork chops and sweet potatoes! yum! Even got me coffee to perk me up after work.

We listened to this awesome 70's soul love song record while dining... and cuddled for hours. Actually, I got portions 3 times in a row! Wow! and he's about 8 1/2 yrs older than me. He told me how amazingly strikingly beautiful I am... told me he didn't want to go to bed cause that would mean the morning.... He's so damn considerate. He catches on, realizes little things like if he's on the phone too long with someone whom he hasn't spoken to in a long time.... I mean... dang. He made a bet with me that there would be sunshine for us in the morning (He likes the "ain't no sunshine when she's gone" song and the stevie wonder one "easy like a sunday morning"). Romance much!

So no... I don't think I'm getting played. You're right. He wouldn't have brought his child in to visit if he didn't really like me. His friends are inviting us to the theatre. He wants me to come to his dj night and says he'll take me home whenever I want cause he's switching off with his best friend. I mean.... SHEESH!!!

It's been like NEVER that I've been treated this well. I could freaking cry right now and I'm at work!

I didn't have the talk however... we are just so comfy and hot for each other that I just couldn't do it.
I've told a couple of friends and my close close ones tell me no worries... to go for it cause it feels right and good. They also tell me how handsome he is....cause he is. My parents, being the white southerners looking out for their girl as they are (but not rascist themselves, trust me), told me not to fall in love,etc. with someone african-american cause I've some really 'redneck' family members.... But, I don't care about that shit at all. They can get over it if this is meant to be!! I hate that I even have to mention it.

The move is about 4hours away or less... and we could rendez-vous halfway in a gorgeous mountain town. Once I get wheels, I could do regular weekend trips to visit him when he's not taking care of his little one. Maybe that would give him time to iron out kinks with his ex, be able to step back and objectively look at his life and direction... and me time to focus on getting my finances straight, be close to my family, and pursue my education. I do think he's trying to play it cool, though....but can't help himself to hang with me. I did worry about being the rebound, and he swears I'm not, but what does it matter for now.....

I'll hang with him for as long as I can and enjoy every minute of it. just thinking about him makes all melty headed and ahem... horny.

[snarky7]

moonpieluv - wow, the line that caught my attention was the "playing the hell outta me" - is there something that makes you think of that? would you write it if it weren't in the back of your mind? now, if you are like me, you'll doubt everything good and real in your life, including your relationships. but this one sounds fab... can you give him the benefit of the doubt? how far is your move? will you be more than a few hours apart? i can understand your move and his staying reasons, but why can't you make it work if you two are meant to be? heck, my ex in MT is with a gal in PA now. who knows if it will work for them, but yay for them anyway...let them be happy, she can have my bad leftovers (sorry, not for this thread).

but seriously, moonpieluv, if he's introducing you to his child, even in an innocent way, then he wants you to be part of "their" lives, not just his. it's a big deal IMO. don't pass it off as nothing or as him playing you.... i don't think that could be it. be confident that you are in the right place with this relationship, even if for only now.

big THANKS star and moon for your thoughts on my list - i think you are right. the things i do not want shall be the major part of the list. i will rethink at work tomorrow (and subsequently be most productive).

i'll think fond thoughts of you, moonpieluv. enjoy yourself for however long you have with him....

[snarky7]

moonpieluv - wow, the line that caught my attention was the "playing the hell outta me" - is there something that makes you think of that? would you write it if it weren't in the back of your mind? now, if you are like me, you'll doubt everything good and real in your life, including your relationships. but this one sounds fab... can you give him the benefit of the doubt? how far is your move? will you be more than a few hours apart? i can understand your move and his staying reasons, but why can't you make it work if you two are meant to be? heck, my ex in MT is with a gal in PA now. who knows if it will work for them, but yay for them anyway...let them be happy, she can have my bad leftovers (sorry, not for this thread).

but seriously, moonpieluv, if he's introducing you to his child, even in an innocent way, then he wants you to be part of "their" lives, not just his. it's a big deal IMO. don't pass it off as nothing or as him playing you.... i don't think that could be it. be confident that you are in the right place with this relationship, even if for only now.

big THANKS star and moon for your thoughts on my list - i think you are right. the things i do not want shall be the major part of the list. i will rethink at work tomorrow (and subsequently be most productive).

i'll think fond thoughts of you, moonpieluv. enjoy yourself for however long you have with him....

[Moonpieluv]

Star-- you're right.... I'm not judging him as bad because he's got the divorce that would be final were the legal fees something the wife could afford (hmm?) and he's got the kid. I just think it would awfully early to really tell if he would even want a full-blown relationship (like let's talk about this as in "you wanna go steady?" kinda thing). I guess I'm on-guard, ya know. Like he'll pull the "ya know, i just wanted to hang out casually thing".

We do need to have talk as to where we stand and the MOVE cause he visited me yesterday at my weekend job and brought his child in to meet me. Just a handshake and the like... nothing like "This is your daddy's girlfriend". Totally new dynamic for me. From what I've been told, he has since ceased to date other people. I don't think he has time to date anyone else considering how much we've been hanging out.

There's a few people whom I spoken with that expressed their concern. but fuck it, I dig him. sigh again.

I got a little sauced on Sat night and got all emotional about liking him so much and the move. Sigh. My heart did get all stirred up. I would totally pursue a more serious relationship with him were I to stay where I am.

He'll understand why I must move to better myself. He's cool. I just know he'll have to stay where he is for his child and that's so understandable! If it's meant to be....

((kittenB)) you're right, too. I was weary to hang out with him for fear of getting hurt or him getting hurt cause I had these plans into action before we started dating. I even told him about the timing and my caution with him being in a divorced situation. I've been dissed before. I just think he's different.
Unless he's playing the hell outta me.

((Snarky)) star's right in that... get that list together, but also be able to tweak or edit. Maybe just keep it to what you really really DON'T want.

[stargazer]

moonpieluv, there is no such thing as a perfect situation. when you mentioned that he was going through a divorce and had a kid, i was like, "so what?" if you feel the man is worth being in a relationship with, then all of that other stuff is just...stuff. my stepdad loved my mom and didn't let the divorce and me, the kid, keep him away from her. they've been together for 22 years now. i think it is great that you are going somewhere that is better for you. and if he does care about you, then he would want to see you be successful and not hold you back. that would be more my concern. not the divorce thing or the kid. but, yeah, i do think you need to have a talk with him about moving.

snarky, i think the list is great for when you are frustrated about attracting a string of not suitable men for you, but i think eventually you need to get rid of that list cause it brings alot of expectations to the next person. it's not fair to them.

although, kittenb has teased me as being very romantic in my ideals.

has anyone watched that tv show "confessions of a matchmaker." omg. it is so great. and makes me wonder how i've been on past dates. oh, and scared of the possibly of future ones. it is such a great show though.

[kittenb]

moonpielove - It sounds like a pretty major situation to get into if you will be leaving it in 3 months. However, if you can keep it casual or aren't afraid of getting hurt, that is a whole different situation. But you don't sound like you want to keepmit casual.
My own fears would keep me from someone who isn't yet divorced. But that is just me.

[Moonpieluv]

I have a dilemma, what's new.. right?
With all the weird quarterlife crisis shit that I've endured over the past year... new job, getting over my ex, trying to figure out my career path, living on my own (totally alone) for the first time, etc.... I finally meet a guy that makes me tingle when I speak to him on the phone. We have so much chemistry and I really really like him.

It's not the ideal situation as he's getting out of a divorce and there's a kid involved. I know I KNOW! but I have such a great time with him. He makes me feel good, comforted, cared for... cuddled. I can talk to him about my fears and what not. He's helped get out of jams, lets me do my laundry at his house, likes to cook dinner and watch movies, takes me places that i've been meaning to go and didn't have anyone to go with who cared, etc. It's really nice. I find myself missing him a lot when he's not around.

I haven't had even an inkling of anything like this since I've been living here, or since my ex. I know it seems selfish to indulge given the situation, but damn it... I've been a lonely gal. It's nice to get some support from a really hot MAN with a heart. He's given me hope that there are in fact men out there with these qualities.

(((KittenB)) Touch deprived is right. It's not the sex touch thing. It's the cuddle, the head petting, the hugs, and soft back rubs. It is needed. and it must feel sincere to be effective. We are physical beings with physical needs. Which steers me into the intoxication of hanging with this guy. As for the style of a dude, if you aren't attracted to him initially.....

Anyways....I'm moving in 3 1/2 months to finally try to get my world straight... it's the town where I intend on going to school. It's closer to my family, which hasn't seen me regularly in 3 years. I have professional contacts located there that I can utilize for work, letters of recommendation, and general resource. Kinda like a clean slate to just focus on my goals, choose more supportive or well-rounded friends, live in an academic environment... and it's a college town so more music, culture... it also has a lower cost of living and is around mountains mountains and mountains.

So all signs point to GO! sigh.. I hate to just leave this budding relationship behind. I know I have to talk to him regarding this and I know he'll understand cause he's mature enough to do so. It's just.

Dern it... i do really like him. The timing! It probably wouldn't work out... at least right now. I've got my plans and he's just going with the flow. He knows I've got plans and has told me that I don't have to leave. ergh... a lil' heartbroken-ish.

((Snarky)) Yes, have certian criteria. For me, this awesome guy isn't fulfilling entirely cause of the ex and kid thing. Keeping that in mind makes my move transition a bit easier.
Go for the MAN. Don't sell yourself short. We all know it doesn't work.

[snarky7]

greenbean - my motto: no boys, just men.

i was dating a boy and all was going well, so i thought...i was enamored - he was fabulous and so nice to me...until i found suspicious messages on his phone (yes, i invaded his privacy...bad me) - turns out she's someone he met during a recent training and that he macked on her. i couldn't deal. so my friends are all saying i needed a MAN anyway, so i guess here's my chance.

my counselor said i should make up a list of everything i want in a MAN, and then when said MAN actually comes along and doesn't meet one of those criterion, that i should be able to come up with a good reason why it is okay....

maybe it will work? or not. time will tell.

[greenbean]

Hang in there kittenb!

Stargazer, since I saw that movie in the theater wine was not an option...but I wish it was, especially since Parker Posey is nursing a glass in almost every scene. Its funny, I left the theater in a hurry cuz even though I go to the theater alone often, it was the first time I felt embarrassed...like everyone else was looking at me and thinking "shes like the character in the movie!".

Mouse, tough call. I gave a "bad dresser" a chance once, cuz like the guy you mention he was smart and not clueless about music. Problem was, he was very socially inept and self-conscious, and I couldn't develop feelings for him because of it. So the clothes may represent that...or there's a chance that your dude is super confident and doesnt give a shit about fashion, and if thats the case would you be into him? If the answer no, than I would write back, "no thanks, you aren't my type"..or whatever you feel is kindest.

I've been frustrated with myself these days. I think I must be immature. I've been dating this one boy lately, and its nice. NICE. Thats good right? Problem is there is no drama attached to him. He's available, he's reliable, he lives nearby, and he doesn't play games nor warn me that he's "not looking for anything serious",....so why arent I thrilled? I think there has to be something in the way for courtship to be thrilling, like hes dating someone else or he lives in another country

Aaaaarg!! Its immature on my part, right? Or is it that I really should be with someone else? Someone who gives me the shivers when he calls? What the hell!!?!?

[stargazer]

((((kittenb)))) yeah, i hear ya. don't know what else to say really.

mouse, um, i would say give him a chance. nothing wrong with meeting someone. i guess it is best not to go with any expectations. i guess just do what you feel more comfortable with.

[kittenb]

I normally give him a chance. I belive that men can be taught how to dress, even haircuts and stuff. They just need the love a good (and stylish) woman. How enlightened of me.

I swear to go I am so touch deprived right now. I feel like if someone doesn't touch me affectionately soon I may wither up like a dead flower. I know this sounds melodramatic, but I am not sure I am exaggerating. I am worried that people around me are going to start drying out as a result of just being near me. Sometimes I realize just how much of myself I have shut off so that I can get through the day w/o feeling lonely. So when I am on a date, I forget how to be a warm and physical person. Instead I feel like a cold and rigid piece of wood trying to remember what real people behave like. And if one more person tells me to just "be yourself" on a date I will stop talking to people all together.

I know that I sound a little freaked but I watched Notes on a Scandle this week and I am so scared that I am going to become like Judi Dench's character. I don't want to be that mean and lonely. I already have the cats.

[mouse]

ok, so what do you do when you reply blind to an ad without a photo, and the guy sounds promising (into the same bands as you, sounds like a smarty pants) and then you get a reply back with a photo and you know immediately that this is someone you will not be into (i.e. not only are you not attracted to him, but in said photo he is also wearing a button-down denim shirt and probably socks with sandals)??? do you just uh, not reply? do you say thanks but no thanks, even though you are the one that replied? or do you suck it up and give him a chance?

[erinjane]

No real news to tell yet. I've liked this guy for a while but haven't made any moves because I've been fairly comfortable being single. We were supposed to hang out a folk music festival last weekend but we never managed to run into each other so when I got home i sent him a facebook message and said i was sorry we missed each other and he should give me a call. He messaged me back to say he had been looking forward to hanging out with me and that we should definately hang out. We have tentative plans but we won't be doing something until next week. I'll keep everyone updated when I know more.

[stargazer]

oh GB, i don't know if i could see that movie. unless, i was at home with a tub of ice cream in my jammies. oh, and a bottle of wine. tooo close to home for me.