[Beauty & her...]

d.-
I hope to god your friends are wrong. I really thought you were it. I was so happy. You have been my everything. Now I don't know what to say. What's sad is you're doing the same damn thing that happened to me before. The same damn thing you promised me you wouldn't. I thought you were different.

Maybe I'm too damaged to hold on to anyone worthwhile.

Thank you for showing me that, because now I will stop looking for someone special.

-b.

[girltrouble]

w.

do you know how long i have had a crush on you, lady? how long have i known you? it's been more than 10-12 years. you are easily one of the most brilliant, creative people i've ever met. and funny? fuck you run circles around a's professor friends. how funny, i just think they are pretentious fucks, they don't spook me or anything else, but you, with your barely noticable southern lilt, part time andogenous style, aprons and shark skin suits, your mixed drink alchemy, crazy cookies, and foodie food, your interior design projects... thank god you don't draw and paint otherwise, i'd give up on life. and i love that you are exactly 10 years and one day older than me. really--i think you are supreme in every way. thing is, i am-- ive always been intimidated by you. and i never get intimidated by intellegence. funny thing is you never flaunt how smart you are. never. and i love that.

so now you email me that you've broke up with your boyfriend. i wish i could say i was sorry, but i am not. i've watched you go thru bad relationship after bad. and i think you deserve so much better. i know he wasn't a bad guy. i liked him, but when you told me he had asburger's--- it liked to break my heart. you're as much of a cuddlebug as i am, and i know that was taking a toll on your self esteem. just seeing you in dec was like heaven. the way you'd touch me made me melt. so sweet....i just want to see someone who can appreciate all your stellar facets. heaven knows i'd love to step up to the plate, but i've always been so in awe of you that it takes me forever (or a couple of drinks) to relax enough to be myself around you. god, saying that makes me sad. i remember coming out to you and you didn't bat an eye, you just asked me these deep questions that showed just how intellegent-- and lovely-- you are. i've daydreamed about dating you, what would that be like? would it be as good as i imagine you and i talking about everything in the sun? would you be the love of my life, would you be the girl that could make me forget about my great loves a, or k? or would it be poop, cos i just don't measure up? are we too much alike?

i don't know what to do, but part of me thinks that if i don't give it a shot i may never know, but i don't know if i should.

but, god i've got an awful crush on you....

gt





e,
that shouldn't have happened. yeah i wanted it too, but it reminded me of too many other guys who came catting around looking for a booty call from me. you said the same things, acted the same ways, and when we kissed-- there was no spark. really, it was like licking a stamp. i know all my friends think i am going to fall for a boy in general, you in specific, but i just really don't care for boys all that much. i've built up walls too thick for boys to get thru. i've heard their lies, hell when i was a boy i told those lies, and i've fallen for them too, but now i am so full of mistrust, i don't feel anything. i want to, i just can't. there are the things i am suprized by, those involentary things, but trust is something that i can't give to boys. my ex, t and i were talking and she put her nose a millimeter from me and threatened to spank me and i melted. and this is a woman who i won't play with anymore, because some things she did spooked me. but she still has more pull than you. i'm sorry. you were so sweet and charming, and i loved your complements and flirting, but i don't think there is a there there. i just don't feel comfortable letting you get any further. i know you want to do more than make out, but i can't see it. i don't even know that i want to make out with you. you are a great guy, i just don't know that i know i can trust you. maybe you should stick with your gf, maybe not, but i cant/shouldn't be a factor in the decision. i won't be seeing you.

gt

[zoya]

dear life -

ok, i'm gonna throw a little pity party for myself here, just for a minute. Consider it venting. That said..

when's it my turn? Why don't I have the great guy? why do I meet the wonderful ones who have it all, including a wife? when do I get the great guy, the kids, the life that I'm ready to move into, and the chance to walk away from this one? Fuck. I get so fucking frustrated. I mean, when do I get it? When? I'm so fucking ready, and so fucking capable of it at this point in my life. Finally I can do it. Finally I'm ready to jump off that deep end, truly. You've shown me that there are fucking amazing men out there - the kind I want to be with. I know now that there are men out there that I can respect, and that will respect me. You've shown me that people like me for just who I am, that they see it without me having to do anything.

I just get so fucking pissed. Will I ever get that person? More now than ever I don't want to - I won't - settle for second best. So when does a great one come along? Why do the other girls seem to get the great ones? Why can't one of these great ones I meet be available just for me?

goddammit, I'm so fucking ready to grab that brass ring and run with it. Please bring it my way.

fucker.
zoya

[Beauty & her...]

d-
Yes, I love you. I love you more than I have ever loved some one. You are my life. However, this whole situation sucks. You don't understand why I'm jealous of her?! You know my fucking track record. The only time I found out I was being cheated on with the last guy I was with was because all he did was talk about her (all of the hers that there were). And what the hell are you doing now? You're talking about HER! Every conversation I have with you, she's brought up...a few times...quite a few times. I'm glad you made a new friend. I just don't like that your world now revolves around her. This is why I HATE this fucking long-distance bull shit. I never get to talk to you anymore. I miss you. But instead of ME getting your attention, you call me drunk at 1am while I'm sleeping because I'm working so that we can get a place soon when you graduate. But now all that time that you used to spend talking to me you spend with her. And I hate her for it. I hope I never meet her. I don't want to. She is breaking my heart. FUCK HER! And FUCK YOU for making me into this. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fuckin' A,
b.

[zoya]

dear s -

I know I'm going to miss you. I already do. You have taught me so much in the short time I've known you, just by being you. Thank you. They say that people are put in your life to teach you what you need to know, if you're willing to learn. I'm so thankful you were put in my life. Another time, another place, who knows...but our lives are what they are, and there is a reason we meet now.

I have the highest regard and respect for you. You are an exceptional man.

..and I already miss you.
zoya

[girltrouble]

e,

i'm never gonna tell you, but you scare me. sometimes i think about how you treat me and i shake. i've never really had a crush on a boy that had a remote chance of going anywhere, and now there is you. i've had guys who liked trannys pursue me before, their interests so transparent, they never stood a chance. but now here i am, not so sure i stand a chance. not with your flirting, complements, attention, and charm, and you are so charming. the way you touch the small of my back when we cross the street, how you hold me so tight before we say goodbye. you make me feel small, and protected at the same time. i remember all those things from when i was a boy. but now all that seems so hazy, and heaven knows i never knew this side of things felt like this...wow. just want to be friends, that's all. you say it, i say it. you have a girlfriend, and you say that you don't know where things are going with her. but i think it's just that you are afraid of being honest with her about what you like. for all i know i am just a passing fancy. part of me hopes that you come to your senses and tell me you are staying with her. the other part wants to see what happens with us. but i am so afraid of being hurt. look at me, shaking again. i hate being this vulnerable. but i can't wait to see you saturday. i am going to be a wreck till then. but you are pretty amazing. you motivate me, kick me in my ass while making me want to work harder. so why do i want to hide under the blankets? to hyberate till this all blows over. i fucking hate this. i miss feeling like i am the one in control. i miss being articulate, and knowledgeable, and speaking my mind, not caring what you thought, but that is changing. blech. i can't stop talking about you to my girlfriends. sending them links to your site. seeing what they think about you. i think they have been waiting for me to fall for a boy. i also think that they think you are cute. but i hate this. i always talk about how i love crushes, but i forget how much uncertainty is involved. the back and forth motion making me seasick. that feeling that i am in the middle of an ocean, not waving, drowning. fuck i hate this shit. i should be mad at you for doing this to me. infact i am. i'm furious.

can't wait to see you saturday, asshole.

gt

[zoya]

dear m -

thanks for dropping off the face of the earth. staying in touch is not that hard. You're weird, and you are flaky, but there's no danger or harm in just keeping up a correspondence. whatever. J is right. You don't deserve me. You're 39 years old. You don't have to act like you're in Jr. High. You still intrigue me, but your actions certainly leave a lot to be desired.

zoya


Dear S -

I really want to talk a little more about the whole situation. I just need to revisit again for a little bit. I just need to know that we're on the same page, and I also just need to know that it's not taboo to talk about. You know, when things are out in the open, they lose some of their power, and that's what I want. I also really really would like it if you'd follow through with showing me that stuff. I know that it will put a face on it. I'm realizing that's really important for me, and think maybe that's important for you as well.

I don't want to veer into dangerous territory.. I feel like both of us are similar in that we know that keeping things in the open between us is not a bad thing - that it helps eliminate any confusion and it diffuses any weirdness or tendency to veer that way.

I hope we get a good moment to chat. Lets make one.

thanks
zoya

ps - you are really f**ing cool.


dear exboy -

where are you?

zoya


dear H -

you're cute!

zoya

[culturehandy]

Dear boy from Friday night,

You are a prick. You picked me up, we made out, then you told me we couldn't return to the bar together, and I just knew at that moment you had a girlfriend! I am glad I didn't fuck you! If your girlfriend finds out, I'll be the enemy, I'll be that whore from the bar you cheated with. It was your fucking idea, you were hard for me, and you knew you had a girlfriend. You are a fucking asshat. Then, then I see you on Saturday, you were undressing me with your eyes. You still wanted me after that bullshit stunt from Friday. Here's a hint, go and be with your girlfriend. If you want to live like a bachelor, break up with her!

From,

CH.

Dear throat,

Stop hurting k, I know the body is telling you to slow down, but remember, if I don't work, I don't get paid.

CH.

[mandolyn]

(((freckle))) you're amazing. i'm so proud of you.

(((zoya))) i wish i could write a letter like that to myself. i admire your inner strength.

(((rudder))) your letter completely moved me. you should be a writer. and "grace is gone" has intense meaning for me too, along the lost-love lines.



dear little cousin,

please don't be scared. i wish i could be there with you right now. but please know i'm sending you all my love & courage & healthy vibes. when you hold your little one in your arms, it's all going to be so worth it.

and i'm going to do my damndest to get up there to see you both this weekend. but i'm toughing out a few psychological hurdles right now. so if i don't make it, it doesn't mean i don't love you.

all my love,
cousin

[sybarite]

Freckle, don't worry. Pitching an article is a learned skill; I still have to take a breath before cold calling a paper/magazine and I've been doing it off and on for a few years. Identifying the right person to speak to is just part of learning to pitch to media (fwiw, the section editor is usually a good place to start).

Good for you for sticking with it, and good luck in getting your piece into print!

[zoya]

Dear zoya -

just remember it's the end of the month and you always feel like this when your period is coming up.

you are a rocking fucking woman, there is so much about you to love. You don't need someone else making you feel good to feel worthy and good about yourself. You know you've felt happier than you ever have in the last 6 months or so and part of that is because you love yourself more than you ever have. It will be alright.

sometimes people are put in your life for a little bit to teach you something. Hopefully they can stay in your life to some extent, at least touching base comfortably sometimes. Somtimes they were just there for a little bit to give you what you needed to learn or experience then they move on. You like to at least keep touch with those important people, but it doesn't come overnight, and sometimes it takes a long time for things to cycle around.

Let it go. it will be fine. Give it a little space. life works out exactly right. just remember you're not remembering that right now and not only does it happen every month, but you're in a place where you're regaining some footing. you got shaken up a little. It's all good. Wouldn't it be nice if everything worked out just fine and you felt great and things were comfortable and fine? it will happen. don't worry.

love
zoya

[freckleface2727]

I returned the call of the woman who first called me, and told her that I was very appreciative of the chance to have anything printed at all, but that I believe I unknowingly sent my piece to the wrong person/section (Op Ed) and that in reality I believe it would be more appropriate in the military section. it's a (<big suprise>) patriotic piece. I also told her I had written a piece this weekend that I really envision fitting in well in the military wive's column (bc both women currently writing it are close to ass and I hope I have not just created bad karma for saying that but I Know I am better than that and the 3rd.. some woman out in Tx, had a column all about statistics!).
so the woman was Really Totally Nice and told me that who I needed to talk to was the Mil Sec Ed and gave me his email and told me that I should send both my pieces in to him w/ my contact information and then also to her,and she'd personally walk a hard copy of them over to him to be sure they get read by him.

this is what I needed to do in the first place but I honestly didn't-know-how.

I thanked her, and told her she had made my day and done a great deal of good, even if they both hate what I've written and think I should not be allowed near a keyboard again.
she was so cool too and told me that even if that- at least I put myself out there and tried.


I have been such a basket case today... am not sure how much more of this my heart and gut can take!
I know I have a voice, and mama help me but I have OPINIONS, I just maybe need the right ear to hear it to help me put it out there.


Thank You for your encouragment wombat, much.

[wombat]

My experience with it was that I was working at a newspaper on my first graphic arts job -- trial by fiire!! and it was a really friendly, arty, liberal paper, so I went around and talked to the arts editor and the big editor. They agreed to look at my stuff, and decided it was well-written --- BUUUUUT I had to wait until the one sleazy arts editor left, because she was just trying to take my ideas and contacts and give them to her own people.

Then, the friendly film reviewer became the arts editor -- yayy!! He hated her and liked me.

But THEN, I still could only get something published once every other month or so, because that was when a free and open slot came up -- the nature of the business is that they have to come out often, so they want a big pile of stuff just waiting to stick in there. AND they have a certain percentage of editorial compared to advertisements, so sometimes the paper is smaller.

It still was worth it, worth it, worth it!! to see my name in print and know that it was distributed, and I even got paid!!

So, definitely come up with the pic and bio. And, whoever your contact is, just call once a week and ask if there is something they need done. I once was given a big, beautiful full color glossy art book in exchange for writing a review of it -- no-one on the staff wanted to plow through it! It was a cast-off in the nicest way!

Make sure the pic is black and white, square, and high-contrast. The square will fit anywhere in the flow, and the high contrast is necessary to counteract the gray-yellow tinge of the newsprint.

Generate a few extra essays up front!

If they like you at ALL -- and they do! -- let them know you can be a resource for them.

Several people from my old paper went on to be well-known. (stinks that I'm not one of them, but I had to go to college and deal with family 'n' stuff). It will only take a little bit of time and circumstance -- less than a year, less than a half a year -- for them to put you in the contributing writer status if they were considering it now! Just let the timing work in your favor by sticking to it!

jeez, and to think I came in here just to ask you what your essay was about....

[culturehandy]

Dear U?

You rock! You treat me like gold when I go to the bar and you are the bar tender. You are sweet, highly attractive, and taken, of course. I'll see you next weekend cutie.

CH.

[freckleface2727]

thanks wombat

I just talked to the paper and think it is going to be in the shitty section after all, so am much deflated once again, but hey, at least it'll be 'out there' ey.

[wombat]

OOOH , freckle, that's great!!

Do NOT be embarrassed to get a bunch of copies and file them away!!

You can use the clips to get more gigs!

That is great!!

[dayglowpink]

Dear manager and other administrative person,

Fuck you. Thanks for giving me a complete bullshit answer to a valid question. I should not have expected anything else from you, since you both play politics with all the staff and have no administrative skills whatsoever. You both know perfectly well that the reason you gave me was a huge load of shit, and I do not appreciate being pacified and babied. I would have preferred that you didn't answer me at all. Fuck you. Thank goodness I only work part time on the weekends now, and I don't have to see your sorry asses anymore. I wish you had some comprehension of why all your staff are quitting and some appreciation for those of us who are sticking it out. Thanks for nothing.

Sincerely, one of your staff who actually gave a shit but who is now jaded and bitter and doesn't feel like trying anymore

[freckleface2727]

self:
stop daydreaming about how all the spouses at the mr's workplace will suddenly want to talk to you, and how you will snub them in response, after your essay is printed and you become famous.
also stop devising underhanded means and situations to ensure that people that have spited you here will be sure to see it when it is printed also.

1st- it's just one tiny piece. you don't even know if anyone will read it at all!

and 2nd- how old are we now?

geesh!

to say the least it is Very Bad Karma, and if That doesn't shake some sense into us and scare us straight I do not know what will!

do not make me have this talk with you again

me

[ratgrl]

Dear Brut,

I wish you were here right now, curled up on the futon sofa next to the computer as you usually are. Instead, you're in the hospital, with your liquid and solid intake/output being closely monitored. I hope you're not too scared or depressed.

We're putting you through this chemo because it's giving you a good shot at siginificantly extending your life, but I feel terrible that Wednesday's treatment has made you so ill. Hopefully the new anti-nausea drugs you get will prevent this from happening again. And I hope that you're feeling better now and can keep down some food and water, so that we can bring you home tomorrow. Ratboy and I really miss you, and are keenly aware of your absence!

So please hang in there, you tough little guy. We'll see you soon, and remember: We LOVE you!

ratgrl

[freckleface2727]

thankyou all much!!

it's not a total done deal yet... the paper wants to print it but on my end there are some logistics (picture, all that) to be worked out still... I had no idea what all actually went into these things from the back side .... will let you all know!

ideally, this will run, the readers will LOVE IT, they will get Such a response that they ask me to do more for them leading to a regular gig but for now? I'll settle for this - hee!

thanks again!