[olivarria]

Okay, this is not going to be a pleasant post so i'm sorry, but I'm feeling very desperate right now. I have been trying to go out and be active, but I have severe social anxiety made worse by the depression and I keep coming back to my dorm crying. I've increased my medicine by a little bit on my own because the doctor hasn't returned my calls yet. I'm finding it very difficult to function and I'm very unhappy where I am - but I don't know what the alternative is. I keep having really morbid thoughts of death and cutting myself but I have no plans to do so ( i hope i don't scare everybody). I really want to stop having these thoughts. I'm starting to feel very hopeless and I don't know what to do - I feel trapped and like it's never going to get better. I'm feeling really alone and this is my only outlet right now - my therapy appt. isn't until Thursday. i really really don't want to be hospitalized - I have responsibilities right now, namely school, and i really want to finish. But I can't function like this. Does anyone know anything that can help?

[stargazer]

(((olivarria))) it sounds like you are being very proactive which is a good thing. seriously. just keep doing what you are doing.

[olivarria]

Thank you all for your feedback and support - it really helps I think. I went to therapy on Friday and my new therapist talked to me for 2 1/2 hours! I like her and left feeling better, but the weekend has definitely been a struggle. I went to the cafeteria twice yesterday, and to the library to get Carnivale Season 2 and some books, so I'm somewhat proud of myself. It's really hard to get out of bed and do these things - I am just now getting up and it's about 2 pm! It's really hard to motivate myself or to care about anything, even taking a shower and doing the dishes. But I'm really trying, or trying to try. Maybe I should get a self-help book? Like "Undoing Depression" or something? I know it's really cheesy, but it couldn't hurt. I'm taking my medicine diligently and might even have it increased by my doctor. I'm trying to stick to a strict schedule, because I know that helps. My new therapist is trying to help me with my social anxiety - I can barely make eye contact much of the time, but I'm really lonely and have a hard time making friends becaue of my shyness. I place far too importance on how I look, and that's a really big factor in my depression, also waiting far too long to get help. I don't think I can make friends or date if i don't even like myself - so I can't expect other people to like me either until I have more self-confidence.

Stargazer, I am on Lexapro and Wellbutrin XL, which generally work well for me. i tend to have agoraphobic tendencies too, but mostly because I am afraid of people. I should really try to get out more.

Sassygrrl, puppies and cute animals are the only thing that make me smile right now! I read that holding a baby or puppy makes a rush of oxytocin flood your brain, much like when you have an orgasm. Ugh I have no sex drive right now. Thank your all for the "hugs" and support. (((Everyone))) Hope you're all doing well.

[Muffy]

olivarria *hugs* I understand. I've been there and still am.

I almost envy those that can sleep all day, I can't sleep at all! I want to sleep, I just lay there and finally get frustrated and try to do something else, regardless of what hour of the day/night it is.

There are days I want to hide in my room. My relationship with my mother has severely deteriorated as she seems to lack empathy, so if she's home I just stay in my room. My friends seem to not wish to be around me or they are really busy I'm not certain which. I was so happy today just thinking that I was going out tonight to a punk show - I was going to go by myself just to get out of the house and try to make myself less miserable.. then I went online and noticed that it wasn't until tomorrow night and I have to work! I have to work all weekend. My mood kind of plummeted at that point.

I would imagine maybe some school counselors are better than the one I talked to about what has been bothering me. I felt he was completely useless. He told me to 'focus on school' which I have been doing, I have a 4.0! I felt like he didn't even listen! I really wanted to someone to just listen. I feel like I always listen to everyone else and no one really listens to me when I'm feeling down. I'm also incredibly lonely and makes me feel worse. I met with him three times and today he sent me on my way as if everything is going to be okay just because he told me it will if I 'focus on school.' Yeah that's great and all, but it didn't help with me socially which was my main concern. Sure I had other concerns which school may help... I don't know I'm just a little frustrated.

hope everyone has a good weekend : )

[stargazer]

(((olivarria))) i'm so sorry things are so rough for you right now. i think it is a good idea that you are asking for an increase in your meds. may i ask what meds you are on? feel free to pm if you don't want to post it here. in the Fall 2006 when i had debilitating panic attacks and agoraphobia, i was prescribed klonopin for when i had panic attacks along with lexapro. i took it in the morning when i tended to have panic attacks. after a month, i did not need the klonopin. i just use lexapro now. also, good to hear you are in therapy. would journaling help you? i totally understand everything you posted in here.


keep posting here and letting us know how you are doing. and you know, it is ok to take a break from school for mental health reasons if things get too tough. school will always be there. make sure to take care of you.

[lananans]

(((olivarra)) - I understand exactly what it is like to feel like that. In my second year of university I was in a bad living situation with four other girls, only two of whome i kind of liked, and I basically locked myself in my room and couldn't get out of bed and lost 15 pounds in two weeks.... but, from that experience, I can say that it does get better! It may not seem like it right away, but things always get better. Next year when you're in grad school you will meet more like-minded people, and even the people in the ACLU could be nice once you get to know them. BIG HUGS!

candycane -- I'm in sort of the same situation, so I've never been as heavy as I am now, but at the same time, I haven't had the greatest eating habits in the last few years (changing that now with weight watchers) - once i find a family doctor here, I think I'm going to go talk to them about the medication. Lately I feel like I know that it's working, but depression is something that is lurking - there any second waiting to hit me, but it's *just* being held off.... if that makes any sense...

((depressed busties))

[neurotic.nelly]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((olivarria))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

major hugs for you. hang in there. I am sending you virtual flowers that are due any moment now, picture yourself surrounded by bunches and bunches of yellow and pink roses.

eta: i hope you like roses and the colors yellow and pink, otherwise picture the flowers that most suit you. I am thinking too much now....

(((((((depressed busties)))))))

[olivarria]

I'm sorry to say i am not getting better. I think I have developed severe social anxiety and shyness which is practically debilitating - I avoid going out of my room most of the time, and have slightly agoraphobic tendencies, but not full-fledged. I am at college and it's my first time living on a university campus - it's not as great as I thought it would be. I don't feel like I fit in here at all - I haven't made any friends. It seems like the campus is one big high school/sorority/fraternity and it's very hard to be myself here. Also, I am 24 years old, a few years older than many of the students here, and that makes me feel even more out of place. I generally get along best with people about mid-twenties to 40's. I've had quite a bit more experience in the workforce, in relationships, and with life in general than most of these people, although i realize I'm still young myself and have much experience to gain. The funny thing is, many people here act very pretentious and talk down to me because I look way younger than i am. I graduate in less than a year, and then i can go to graduate school, and won't live on campus. I joined the campus ACLU to make friends and meet like-minded people, but there are only about 10 people in it - i don't know them very well yet, and my only good friend lives one state away.

i feel really lonely all the time, and am just now getting back into therapy. I cry at the drop of a hat, and my depression is just getting worse and worse every day. I'm having trouble even getting out of bed because I just don't care about anything anymore, and I'm extremely homesick (for Austin TX). I'm going to ask my dr. to increase my medicine. I sometimes feel better for a while and i think it's over, but then I slide downhill again. I have no motivation whatsoever, even to live sometimes (but I'm not contemplating suicide don't worry). i feel i just want to hide in my room forever because I feel I just can't function anymore. It's hard just to do the dishes or homework or to wake up - why bother? I feel like I barely make it through each day. i try to read motivational quotes and stuff like but I just can't feel joy or optimism anymore. I just got a letter saying I am owed over $2,000 in back-taxes because of some mistake that was made, and I don't even feel very excited about that. My birthday is in 2 weeks but I just dread it now. I think the only place I can be myself anymore is the BUST boards (and my mom). i just feel dead inside - I'm sure some of you know how it feels.

I hope you're all doing better. (((Hugs)))

[candycane_girl]

lananans, I have experienced quite a bit of weight gain but like you, I'm not sure if it's related. For a while I stopped exercising and while I wasn't eating huge amounts of food, the actual food I was eating was not very healthy. But I've never been as heavy as I am now and I have to wonder if the meds play a part in it. Hopefully I can see my doctor this week and talk to her about getting off of them.

[funk0039]

Keep in mind the medication isn't intended for long term use! It's just a crutch until the therapy kicks in. Ultimately you have to change how you are thinking, because right now you are in a vicious circle. A lot of times the real problem is that your perspective is off, so you see everything in a negative light. I'm guilty of this too, I know what it's like. In the beginning it's nearly impossible to keep a portion of your mind separate from the rest so it can observe what the rest of you is thinking/feeling.

[sassygrrl]

I have to agree with funk here. See if you can at least get out of bed, even if it's just to brush your teeth.
Some days are better than others. I'm learning (and it's been a long lesson) to at least try to get the hell out of the house if I can just for a walk.

I agree with you on the pill poppers. I have tried them before. I found my therapist thru my old doctor.
I finally got off medication, and have found that therapy works wonder. Or my friends help a lot.

((konphusion26))

As for me, you'd think getting me a little puppy would help! I'm still very depressed. I'm just going through mad fits of crying, and not wanting to leave the house. Mcgeek doesn't help much either. His sometimes positive vibe really gets to me.

I'm still really upset about not having a job, a broken toe, etc.
I'm trying (damn it's hard) to focus on the good things in my life. I've scheduled a bunch of movie dates thru meetup.com, as a way to get the hell out of the house. I need to be around people(and not the furry kind). I've become such a hermit over the summer. I know the toe accident was just that, an accident. But, it's fucked me a bit.

I'm also considering going to part time classes at one of the university. It'll keep my mind busy, and be a preview again for grad school.

((love to all of us)))

[funk0039]

I've never been clinically diagnosed with depression, but I'm at the point now where I could give a f*** about getting out of bed every day. I sleep all the time and don't want to go anywhere, do anything or be bothered by anyone -- this includes my husband. I'm feeling down at least 4 days out of a week. WTF is wrong with me?

I really do not want to visit those pill pushing doctors of mine. I don't have a job so I couldn't afford it anyway. Kinda at wits end yall. And I don't know what to do. I have a pretty good life, but there's gotta be more to it than what I'm seeing/experiencing.

Anyway, love you all and hope you feel better soon.

There's a good chance you are in deep dooky, you worry the hell out of me because I can see where this is leading. First off, you need to seek professional help, even if you have to use a charity service. You are going to lose everything you've ever cared about if this keeps up.

I've tried to make sure that I have something that requires me to get out of bed and take care of myself and someone else. Since I don't have a wife or girlfriend, for the longest time it was simply feeding my fish and taking a shower. It really helps to take care of yourself and your surroundings!

If you pay attention to nothing else in this letter, memorize the following: Right now you are miserable, and losing the joys you once loved so deeply. This is a warning light coming from deep within you, that's why it hurts. You have to do something to change your life, and even if you don't succeed at the first few things you try, eventually you WILL stumble upon the right thing. If you don't get help, eventually you may lose your marriage and even suicide. Please, for the love of all that's holy, help yourself! Find a therapist, take the medication(if they know your situation they WILL help!).

ANYTHING is better than the course you are on now, and you know it. If you have any love for your husband, fight this increasing desire to stop functioning.

Save yourself, if only for his sake and not your own! I'm really worried about you!

[konphusion26]

I've never been clinically diagnosed with depression, but I'm at the point now where I could give a f*** about getting out of bed every day. I sleep all the time and don't want to go anywhere, do anything or be bothered by anyone -- this includes my husband. I'm feeling down at least 4 days out of a week. WTF is wrong with me?

I really do not want to visit those pill pushing doctors of mine. I don't have a job so I couldn't afford it anyway. Kinda at wits end yall. And I don't know what to do. I have a pretty good life, but there's gotta be more to it than what I'm seeing/experiencing.

Anyway, love you all and hope you feel better soon.

[funk0039]

Listen, this is for everybody on this thread.

It's absolutely crucial that you find people to have around you on a regular basis. They provide a reflection that lets you know when you are getting depressed, unreasonable and illogical. They can cheer you up, and let you know when you are out to lunch, and therefore when you need help! Medication won't make sure you fall into depression, all it does is make it less likely to have really bad days. No guarantees are made at all.

Finally, it makes a HUGE difference when you are depressed and you help someone in need in spite of it. It's a wonderful way to fight your sadness if you do some sort of public service or volunteer work. I recommend an animal shelter. They always have dogs that need to be walked, and loved. I have a deep love for fuzzies of all kinds, but I am REALLY dealing with some bad allergies so I can't fool around with cats without penalties afterwards. The problem is I LOVE KITTENS, THEY CRACK ME UP!

[lananans]

funk -- it's true about your body getting used to the meds. I've been on Celexa for almost three years now, and recently I had to increase my dosage to 40mg/day because I had a really bad episode..

candycane -- did you experience any weight gain?? I've heard that can be a side effect of Celexa, and I have gained a lot of weight since taking it, but I'm not sure if the two are related at all. I tried to go off of it once, but then I had a bad day and was scared so I told my doctor that I couldn't deal without it.

I've been thinking that maybe I would like to go off of the medication as well. I also feel like I'm at a place in my life where I can handle things. I'm just afraid of what the transition would be like. I think once it was out of my system I would be okay, but dealing with that interim period would not be good.

((damona)) - I hope things work out for your son. Hugs for him too!

[funk0039]

This is good! The funny thing about antidepressants is that everybody reacts to them in a unique way. For example, I've taken Wellbutrin and it didn't do a thing for me, and no side effects either. There really is no way to predict how somebody will react so it's all trial and error.

If you're thinking about going off this medication because you don't feel you need it, great! However, don't do it unsupervised because there's a chance that you could either have withdrawal symptoms from going off it too fast or worse, you find that you are getting depressed again. A really good psychiatrist will be able to read the subtle differences in you a month after you reduce the dosage, for better or for ill. That's about the time it takes for the medication to run its cycle through your system fully.

[candycane_girl]

((((((damona)))))) I hope that the medication works for your son. I can't imagine what it would be like to feel as nervous and anxious as you've described.

funk, I've been on Celexa for over two years and I never really had to suffer from many side effects. I want to go off of meds because I feel that I've reached a place where I can finally deal with depression without relying on chemicals. Life is pretty good right now but even when there are tough times I've been able to just deal with it rather than giving up and feeling hopeless the way I used to.

[damona]

thanks y'all, for your input. i know the meds are not a magic fix for him, but the poor kid is a wreck. he's been seeing his current therapist about a year (the guy before that was useless) and the guy just announced he's moving his office 30 miles in the opposite direction. i don't care, he's actually starting to get thru to my boy, if he moved to california i'd try to figure out a way to get my son there once a week!

for the record, i am not trying to drug my kid into silence and submission. i'm trying to help him find a way to smooth the rough edges so he can deal with the world better. he is so hyperactive he literally vibrates at times, and can't maintain eye contact. and the anxiety stuff is getting out of control. he bursts into tears at the slightest thing, he doesn't want to play outside a lot of the time b/c he's afraid of bugs, or getting hurt... but other times he'll go out and disappear on me for hours! i hate seeing my kid go thru this stuff.

(((((((busties))))))))

[funk0039]

funk, I totally agree with your whole last paragraph. Meds definitely are not a magic fix and it's really good just to try to get in the habit of at least accomplishing a little something every day (even if it's just tidying up or cooking a meal).

I'm kind of annoyed. I was supposed to see my doctor yesterday but I guess she was out sick. I really would like to start getting off these meds but I'm not even going to try to cut down without getting her approval first. She's pretty smart and I trust her opinion.

Okay, first off, never even contemplate that unless the side effects are incredibly severe. For example, I was once on Zoloft and my emotions would go from ecstatic to depressed inside of a minute! That scared the hell out of me. You DO have to be very firm with a doctor when you are going out of your mind from medication's effects!

Second, try not to ingest a lot of caffeine or alcohol. Apparently this sort of medication has a tendency to strengthen the effects of both of drugs, ESPECIALLY in that first month! You are going to suffer the side effects far faster than the good stuff, and all of the side effects will be the worst in this month, with a tendency for the bad crap weakening over time. Finally, if you seem to be in long term depression, don't expect the pills to be effective forever. Your body does develop a tolerance for it eventually, and there's only so high the doc can take the dosage to.

They're meant to be like jump starting a car battery, just an initial boost to get you into therapy where you can begin working on the problems you have.

By the by, I once had a gf who tried getting low dosage electric shock therapy. This is done when the depression is incredibly severe and nothing else seems to work. She complained that it erased her memory of the day that had occurred, but it DID help her feel better for a while. I was very worried for her, and although I don't know where she is now I hope she feels better.

[candycane_girl]

funk, I totally agree with your whole last paragraph. Meds definitely are not a magic fix and it's really good just to try to get in the habit of at least accomplishing a little something every day (even if it's just tidying up or cooking a meal).

I'm kind of annoyed. I was supposed to see my doctor yesterday but I guess she was out sick. I really would like to start getting off these meds but I'm not even going to try to cut down without getting her approval first. She's pretty smart and I trust her opinion.