[girlygirlgag]

My stepfather had a massive stroke halloween night, hes curled up in a ball unable to do anything for himself. He is coming home from the nursing home the end of his week to basically die in what comfort he can find from being home. Its soo awful to watch someone die, and to almost wish them death just to see the suffering end.

I know what you are going through. Stay strong and pray for a safe passage for him from this world into the next. I am so sorry for your pain.

[kes]

My stepfather had a massive stroke halloween night, hes curled up in a ball unable to do anything for himself. He is coming home from the nursing home the end of his week to basically die in what comfort he can find from being home. Its soo awful to watch someone die, and to almost wish them death just to see the suffering end.

[anna k]

I miss spending Christmas at my Grandpa's house. Every year we would go to my Grandpa's house on Christmas Eve, where we'd listen to Sinatra, Nat King Cole, and Manheim Steamroller's Christmas album. We ate Italian food, opened presents together and it always felt so warm and comfortable, and I liked lounging in front of the TV eating candies and watching TV Christmas specials. I liked the coziness, talking to my stepgrandmother's daughter (whose birth name was Nancy, but everyone called her Nina), who worked as a CGI animator for cartoons and movies, the one I remember best being Joe's Apartment, about a guy whose apartment is overrun with talking roaches. I like seeing old pictures of us gathered on the couch in my grandpa's house, seeing their little plastic tree lit up, looking at the nametags of presents, and even finding a wrapped-up box of dog biscuits for our dog, who would sniff and paw at the box when we presented it to him.

The last time we had this time, it was 2004. My grandpa died of lung cancer in June of 2005, and his widow sold the house and moved to Florida. We spent Christmas 2005 with my grandma (she and my grandpa had divorced in the 1970s), and for Christmas 2006 my aunt had us spent Christmas with her new husband and his family, which was a nice gesture, but I had only met his family six months earlier, and didn't really feel very comfortable amongst strangers.

Now I'm going to spend Christmas in Raleigh with my family, and stay down for New Year's to keep my sister company (she doesn't have anyone her own age to hang out with down there). I'm growing up, and Christmas will always be different, now that my Grandpa is gone and the consecutive Christmases at his house has ended.

[raisingirl]

Mando, you are so right, you don't even have to say anything. I think it's important to just be there for the other grieving family members. It's good just to be there and hug them and not worry about if I'm saying the right thing.

[mandolyn]

(((raisin))) just do what you can do. be there as much as you can. you don't even have to say anything.

this is such a hard time for some many people. the wounds seem so fresh, don't they?

[raisingirl]

There was a death in the family over the weekend. She was old and ill and suffering, but it doesn't make the pain on the living any easier to take. I'm not so good with the death thing.

[momo]

((phonechick) (ggg))

last of my grandparents, and second of two rad grandmas in as many months. i thought i would be more ready for this.

[ms.gb]

(((mama kitty)))

i'm sorry ggg.....

[girlygirlgag]

(((((((mrsgb))))))))

One of the strays I feed, that lives in the woods bgehind my house, Mama cat (she has had about 3 litters of kitties, before we caught her to have her spayed) died on our porch yesterday.

[ms.gb]

today is 7 months since fred's passing....

feels like yesterday.

ow.

[phonechick]

New to this thread but not sure where to go- I haven't been on BUST in a while. However, I read it daily.
My ex husband passed away last week. I am remarried to a great man- he is awesome, he has been great about my mourning of the ex. My ex and I got a divorce 2 years ago because he was always yelling at me, the emotional abuse was incredible- everyone knew this was the reason. But the news of his passing has brought back old memories. I have spent hours crying. I am not sure what to do. I have stayed relatively close to his family. At his funeral his mother thanked me for making him so happy. I am not sure what to do. How do you get over this? Can there be closure? He owed me quite a bit of money and had never even tried to pay it off- the last message I left him on his vm was so mean, at the time it felt right to say hateful things to him. I told him to forget about paying me back and never to call me again. That was 4 months ago. What do I do? Why do i miss him , more than likely I would have never seen him again.

[girlygirlgag]

Wow, Pink. That is awful. I don't think you should worry about what to say, but just be there for them. Be supportive, offer help, etc.

It is hard to deal with the reality of these shocking tragedies, so, it probably has not settled in yet.

Wow, I am speechless.

[pinksparkly]

I heard some really bad news today and need some advice about what to say to someone that would be supportive.

I work at a four-month old family run cafe. The mother owns it, one son and his girlfriend (of whom I know really well) run it, two other sons have small roles in the business. The wife of one of the sons works at the cafe a few hours a week doing payroll etc. We are both pregnant, so we chat about that when she works.

The son with the pregnant wife just found out that he has brain cancer and can expect to live about nine months if next week's operation goes smoothly, three months if they do nothing. They only found out that something was wrong because he had a seizure on a business trip a few weeks ago.

I cannot imagine how devastating this must be. And I have no idea what the most supportive thing would be to say to his mother (who is one of the nicest people I have ever met), or his wife. Obviously,the wife isn't working anymore but her baby showere is supposed to be at the cafe this weekend and I am sure we will run into each other. I would feel so helpless and lost if I were in her place. Weirdly enough, being in her place was something I used to worry about a lot, because my boyfriend's father died in a freak accident nine days before his birth. It is one of the saddest situations I have ever encountered and I just feel really bad for the entire family.

[yuefie]

Bleh. October.

[yuefie]

((((((grieving busties))))))

[luxi]

Thank you so much for the support, I can't tell you how much that means to me.

Mandolyn, no, you don't sound holier than thou. Writing about it does make me feel better. Can't say the same thing about my cramped hand...but it's a tradeoff. Thanks for the concern, it made me feel better. ((mandolyn))

kcrile, I think it's a really difficult thing to deal with at any age. I think 28 is still amazingly young to lose your father. Granted there's a big difference in 17 and 28 just in terms of being grounded and what not. You always hear about how long the modern US lifespan is these days, 28 is too young for such a loss. How is your sister handling things? (((kcrile and sis)))

((((ion)))) I'm sorry to hear about your parents and your friend. I know that sometimes even after years the pain can be fresh as new. Especially around anniversary type days. My mom died exactly one week before Mothers Day and my dad died 1 week and 1 day after Fathers Day, which is a little freaky. I have no experience with Alzheimers but I'd have to think that sort of loss comes with it's own intricacies. It just seems to me that at the least there would be less closure. Maybe not, I dunno. Either way, that's a horrible thing to go through and I'm glad that you had your friend for that time afterword. I've never lost a close friend but I imagine it feels like losing a family member.

(((park ave princess))) I hope you haven't gone away! I don't know any books in specific to recommend. The only suggestion I have is to talk about it. With your family, friends, a counselor...here on Bust. I really feel that talking about it helps you work out the situation better than any book. I wish I had dealt with my mothers death when it happened. I didn't have anyone I could talk to, or at least I felt I didn't have anyone to talk to. Looking back I could have found support in many people, but I wasn't comfortable doing so. Talking about death makes people uncomfortable and really...there isn't anything that can be said to change what happened or really to make you feel all that better. It is what it is. But having someone who's willing to listen to what you're feeling can make all the difference I think. It's reassuring to have someone tell you, yes, your pain is real and no, you're not crazy. I truly hope to see you posting in here again.

[ion]

luxi, I hadn't thought so much about finding someone here who had a similar experience to my own, but your post left me a little astonished.

I lost my dad at the age of 23 to cancer as well. He had cancer in his jaw, and the radiation treatment left him with many of the same complications. Not being able to taste or produce saliva. Eventually, when the cancer spread, he lost his tongue. While he didn't lose his will, it was awful to see him so broken. The physical suffering of cancer is nearly impossible to explain to someone who hasn't been there. My father hadn't worked since I was eight, due to a back injury, so we too fell back on the VA.


My mom has basically been out of the picture since I was sixteen. She has a disease that is somewhat similar to Alzheimer's, and hasn't remembered who I am for a good ten years now. Her illness was diagnosed due to a suicide attempt.

When I lost my dad, I can't explain how alone I felt. Even the small group of people I knew who had lost a single parent drove me crazy with their statements of sympathy. It's hard. It has been six years for me, and it can still be hard.

I wandered over here because almost exactly a year ago, one of my closest friends died in an accident. He was one of the few people I trusted and relied on in those years when I was grieving both of my parents. His death last year brought back all those feelings of anger at everyone around me.

Like you I hadn't graduated from college when all this happened. (There's another very long complicated story about why I didn't, but it was definanty tied to the illnesses in my family) But I did finish, and I have managed to get on with the business at hand.

I'm going to hold off on any wise words, or other sentiments, because I know there is never really anything to say. If you want to just talk at length though, I'm definantly here for it.

[girlygirlgag]

Oh luxi, I am so sorry for your loss. I hate the condolences too, though they are well intentioned. I also hate having to watch someone die, it is the most frustrating experience, especially when you are powerless to save them.

I know you are hurt, I wish I could make it go away.

[sidecar]

((((luxi))))) I am so sorry for your losses.

And to you, too. GGG and kcrile. My FIL was misdiagnosed with pancreatic cancer four years ago. It is one of the worst kinds. We were lucky.

[kcrile]

(((luxi))) I know what you mean about feeling angry and sad and not really knowing where to direct it. I am angry at my father for so many different reasons, one of which is for abandoning me before my wedding. I'm also mad for my younger sisters. I am 28 so at least I had a good long time to be with him, but my youngest sister is only 17. I can't even imagine dealing with that at 17. I'm sure I would be a big repressed piece of jelly because I am barely dealing with all this now and I am 11 years older.

blahhdhakdsl, I don't want to write or think about this anymore. Or at least not now. I think I'm going to go do some escapism in the kitty cat thread