[Muffy]

stargazer, I sort of talked to the friend I had a tiff with. When I say 'sort of talked' I mean she text messaged me, which is a start. I haven't actually talked to her. I'm going to try to call her today maybe. So I'm feeling a bit better about the situation with my friend.

In the meantime, I talked to a school counselor and made another appointment to talk with them next week as well. They told me that I need to see a doctor about my sleeping problems and lack of appetite because it could be a medical problem then again it may not be. So hopefully I'll start feeling a little better about about my life at some point.

[stargazer]

(((muffy))) sorry to hear things are not going well for you. it is hard to have hope when the walls feel like they are caving in. i totally understand.

(((olivarria))) good to hear that you are feeling better. it sounds like things are picking up.


i am feeling better. getting away from the place of torment helps. i'm just trying to sleep, gain some perspective, and work on strengthening myself. i felt so deprived during my training year. argh. my mom was extremely helpful and mentioned how she thinks my current bout of depression is not because i am a depressed person, but because my situation is depressing for me. very true. my depression definitely seems situational right now. i'm just trying to get my strength back.


(((busties)))

[Muffy]

deluca, I can relate. I've never gone to any kind of therapy or psychiatric treatment, though I've felt many of the things you've described... since I was about 15 or 16. Some days I'm perfectly fine and others not so much. I constantly worry too much about what others think, many times I actually convince myself that they dislike me when they don't. I wonder if its just human nature to be concerned with what others think, not to a degree where you can't function, but I think everyone worries a little bit, even if people say they don't. Humans are social beings. We need other people, and in that need for people we're going to be concerned of what they think.

I've heard sometimes you need to try many different kinds of therapy to find one that works for you as everyone is different.

I too see myself in my mother. Ugh. The other day I did something that is something she would do and I just hated myself which is when I vowed to finally go get help. She is unhappy and puts up a front but many times she is just mean and insensitive because she is unhappy with herself. I don't want to hurt people I love.

Olivarria, I guess I'm doing as well as expected. I talked to some friends. Of course the friend I got into a fight with isn't talking to me. Everyone keeps telling me that everything is going to be fine but I keep worrying that she is never going to forgive me for being such a mean person.

It being a holiday weekend obviously I couldn't really call around for therapy. I know one of the local hospitals gives discounted care and they offer psychiatric services. My school also has counselors who I should've talked to before this all got out of control.

[olivarria]

Muffy, are you doing okay? I read your post and it sounds like you're going through a really difficult situation, and my heart goes out to you. I know it's not so easy, but remember no matter how bad things are, they can't stay that way permanently, it's impossible (i try to remember this during my lowest points!). Also, there are sometimes free or reduced price counseling services that you can take advantage of. I put off therapy all the time and try to handle things myself, because I am stubborn, so i can relate! try to hang in there. I am terrible at giving advice but i hope it helps a little. *sends good thoughts*

Deluca, dump all you want - that's what this thread is for! We're here to support eachother. Things you said like feeling awkward, having no self-esteem, and having depression from a very young age mimics my life story. I'm very shy and scared of social situations, and seem to care what others think even though I have no logical reason to value their opinion. I read your post and wanted to give you a big hug because I relate so much. I'm starting to realize, my whole life, as i let myself be hurt or filled up by what people think of me, I'm basically making them responsible for how i feel, and giving them permission to hurt me by just giving me a dirty look or saying something mean to me. Why do i give them all this power when I don't even know them? I've come to realize that i don't want others to control how i feel, and I'm trying to own my feelings about myself, rather than letting others own them. No one is responsible for my self-esteem, just me....i need to accept that. I mean, it's my life, not theirs, right? No matter what, there will always be people who don't like me, so i should do what i want. of course this is easier said than done, and I know how difficult it is to not believe the negative stuff. it's so much harder to believe positive opinions and compliments about me. I always feel they're made up, or just being nice. I don't know if this helps you at all, but i just wanted to get, my thoughts on the matter.

I myself am doing better now, and thank everyone who posted positive messages. School has started, and I am busier, staying on a regular schedule. Sleeping at night, instead of daytime (this doesn't come naturally, because I am a night-owl.) Getting out of the house, having social contact helps. I feel like myself now, other than health problems, which I'm trying to resolve. I feel really alive and hopeful, and looking forward to things right now. Hope things are getting better for the rest for you.

(((Everyone)))

[Muffy]

*hugs* to Queen Bull & neurotic.nelly
& all the busties.

[Queen Bull]

(((((((muffy)))))))


((((((olivarra))))))

((((((star)))))))

((((((dani)))))))

((((phlea)))

(((deluca))))

((hugs to all busties and anyone i forgot))

[neurotic.nelly]

(((muffy)))

eta: ((((hugs to all depressed busties))) i hadn't read through all the posts the other day, sorry, i know muffy isn't the only one in the hole.

[Muffy]

I've been a mess lately. I was going to take a friend's advice and see a therapist. I had mentioned it she didn't just tell me I need one. Though if she did I would've had to agree with her. I haven't been sleeping, eating very little, I can't seem to think straight on many occasions.

Then I just went and did something really awful to a friend. I said some really awful things about her to another friend via online. Long story short she read it! It was up on my best friends' computer. I should've never never never said the things I did. I was upset and have been really stressed but I still don't feel I even have an excuse. Its not an excuse. I fucked up. I don't think she will ever forgive me.

Now I lost my job. I did everything everything this job asked me to! clean the bathroom - sure thing! run to the hardware store - right on it. I had just gotten this job after job hunting for year! and now I have to somehow survive on a part-time retail job paycheck.

I'm beside myself. Now I don't think I can pay for the therapy I know I need. I should've gotten it a long time ago - before I fucked up with this friend. I know I should've talked to someone - but I just tried to handle it myself and I had no money anyhow, so I just kept putting it off. Now I fucked up a friendship and probably this job.

[olivarria]

I've been taking my Lexapro regularly now and I'm still having these symptoms, but to a lesser extent. I'm starting to cry all the time, it's very hard to control, and I want to go to sleep all the time. I don't want to do dishes or laundry or even function at all. I forget what I'm doing even while I'm doing it, because I'm off in la-la land. School started yesterday and i have 5 classes, I have to get it together. I see my psychiatrist, OBGYN (i just got diagnosed as PCOS), and my endocrinologist for hypothyroid. I want to get treated ASAP for all of these because I feel really foggy and depressed, like I'm just not here. I am hiding my depression from my roommate, because I don't know her very well yet, and I keep telling her I'm sick. I just can't stop crying. And heres what a dumbass I am: i had a counseling appt. today and I overslept, and missed it. That was really dumb. So now i have to go next week. Ugh!

[stargazer]

But oftentimes, I feel people are disappointed when they get to really know me. Employers always seem disappointed and I'm never able to do the right thing, present things properly or make them happy. Sometimes I'm so consumed with pleasing them that I can not focus on the task that needs to be done. Because I see this, I know what I need to do to change things, but when it comes down to doing it my body/personality/mouth go on autopilot.

whoa deluca, that's how i feel about my current training experience. why my self esteem has totally plummeted by this situation?? i can empathize with this. i don't have any words of wisdom. and i also relate with the ideas of thinking why i should go on living. in fact, that has happened often in the past 2 weeks. support is a great thing. i talked with my mom. i'm still low on energy, but i'm just trying to focus on getting through today really. that's all i can do. i hope you have someone to talk to. keep posting in here if it helps.


phlea, i'm so sorry that your previous doctor broke confidentiality by talking with your dad. that's terrible. it would be great to work with someone who specializes with eating disorders. not that i think you have an eating disorder, but a person with that background can help you with body acceptance issues. i hope you can find support in other threads that address body image issues as well. welcome to the lounge!

bob4both, have you gone for therapy to address your anger? is your mate open to couples therapy? it sounds like you have insight into your own behavior. i'm not sure of the dynamics of your relationship.

olivarria, i've never heard of withdrawals from lexapro. i've taken it and have stopped at times or forgotten myself. i could be wrong. you might want to mention these side effects to your doc. i hope you are doing better.

dani, good luck with finding a doc!

in terms of my depression, man, i never thought i possessed the ability to cry as much as i have in the past 2 weeks.

[Phlea]

ThirtiesGirl - I guess you're right, I hadn't really looked at it like that.

In that case, add denial to my list of issues...lol.

[deluca]

Hello,

I haven't been to the lounge in quite some time. Sorry to completely dump but I don't know what else to do. I don't really have anyone or anywhere else to talk to about this without either having them think I am completely crazy (which I am) or have them put me away in some asylum. I want to preface everything with, on the outside in a completely rational mindset, I am very lucky and fortunate. I know this logically, but emotionally this could not be further from the truth.
I'm coming up on my 35th birthday and I really don't know if I want to continue living. I have been dealing with depression from the age of 10 although at the time I had no idea why I felt the way I did. My depression went undiagnosed "professionally" until I was about 26.
I've tried a plethora of antidepressants. Some have helped but if so, very little. I've tried various therapist and cognitive therapy that did not really seem to work...although I wish it did and still feel that if I could possibly find a good therapist would help. The trek to find one seems painstakingly long and tedious and I'm already too exhausted with life to feel I can put much energy into it.
I have no self-esteem and feel completely worthless, pathetic, awkward, and uncomfortable in front of people most days and have felt this way since I was young. My rational mind can "list" all of my good attributes and reasons as to why I am an intelligent, qualified, and worthwhile person but my other side can begin to create a doubled list of why this isn't so.
My self-esteem is very precarious and seems to hinge on what other people (not matter who they are) think and say about me. Again, rationally I know this should not be the case. One off comment can completely ruin not just my day but week. Because of this I am extremely sensitive to what others say/think and tend to tip toe around others so as not to make the "wrong" decision or say the "wrong" thing. I change faces depending on who I am talking with/to. The only person who really seems to see me is my husband. I am my real self around him and I oftentimes wonder why he even chooses to be with me.
On paper, I look good. I am relatively attractive- or so I had been told in the past, I have traveled around the world, and have received a Masters from a fairly prestigious college. But oftentimes, I feel people are disappointed when they get to really know me. Employers always seem disappointed and I'm never able to do the right thing, present things properly or make them happy. Sometimes I'm so consumed with pleasing them that I can not focus on the task that needs to be done. Because I see this, I know what I need to do to change things, but when it comes down to doing it my body/personality/mouth go on autopilot.
Until recently, I knew all of this but had hope that "one day, when I get older, get out of college, get a better job, finally change my behavior I'll be able to live the life I dream of without always being overly aware of myself." Recently, I realized that my mother is just like me and has not changed and also that I'm tired. Really tired. The problem is that I'm tired of working on myself but I am also tired of being myself. I don't like me but no matter how much I see what I need to do to change the problems, I can't ever seem to make the changes. It is as if an alien takes over during these times while I sit outside of my body and watch it happen. I know what I need to do to change but I just....can't....make....it ...happen.
I don't know what anyone can say to make it better but I needed to air this out to the universe. Hopefully, the universe will give me some sort of power to make changes. Not sure.

[dani1983]

A psychologist or psychiatrist are the best people to prescribe anti-depressants. First, find a general practitioner (your primary doctor) and in your first appointment, mention your feelings of depression and ask your primary doctor to recommend a good psychologist or psychiatrist. Your doctor may try to prescribe anti-depressants for you, but I'd strongly recommend getting the prescription from a psychologist/psychiatrist - someone who's had more training to diagnose depression than a general practitioner. Before the psychologist prescribes anti-depressants, they need to 'interview' you - ask you a few questions about how and what you're feeling, what your situation is, etc. I'd also seriously recommend finding a therapist to talk with to help monitor your progress while taking anti-depressants. Not everyone has the same reaction to certain medications, so if you find certain side effects happening or they're not working the way you want, it's good to have a therapist to help talk you through it and help you figure out what the issue is with the medication you're taking. Then you can return to the psychologist/psychiatrist with a better perspective of what's happening with the medication, and be better able to tell them what's going on so they can prescribe something different that may work better.

Not to mention, talk therapy is an excellent way to help deal with depression. The medication deals with the chemicals in your brain that are causing the depression, but talk therapy will help you work through your emotions. If money is an issue, or your health care won't cover personal therapy, I'd recommend finding a community counseling center that has sliding scale fees, which means the amount you pay your therapist each week is based on how much you can afford. They usually discuss that during your intake appointment at the counseling center, to find out what your monthly income is and how much you feel you can pay per session. Then they'll usually quote you a fee, and if you feel it's too much, you can ask them to lower it, which they usually will. Then they'll work on setting you up with a therapist, hopefully within the next week or two. If it takes longer than that, I'd recommend finding another community counseling center who has more therapists available to help. Once you're set up with a therapist, make sure it's someone you're comfortable with. You can always ask the counseling center to set you up with another therapist, someone who's a better fit for you.

Big hugs to you and strength. You're doing the right thing. The first step is recognizing the issue, and recognizing that you sometimes can't do it alone. There is help.

thanks so much for your words! Yes, I know I definitely have to go see a psychologist or a psychiatrist. I've only been to a psychologist once before, and that's when I was told I was hemo-phobic. I do have insurance too, I wonder if it covers a psychologist???

[thirtiesgirl]

I don't have a problem with being overweight. The bigger boobs are great. But I do have a problem with the closet of clothes that I love but can't fit into. And I have a problem with how much harder everything is - the extra exertion it takes to do any given task. And the fact that I obsessively untag any photo friends post of me on Facebook - because they're all just so unbearable.

Despite your protestations to the contrary, your last sentence suggests to me that you do, in fact, have an issue with being 'overweight.' I'm your same height and would be considered quite healthy by my general health practitioner if I weighed 165 lbs (yes, the secret's out - I weigh more than 165! Horrors!). In fact, I would consider that an average weight for someone of my height, anywhere between 150-165. That said, though, since you have worries about your weight, energy levels, mood swings, bowel movements and menses, my recommendation would be to find a general practitioner and discuss those issues with him or her and see what s/he recommends, besides more exercise and eating in moderation.

[Phlea]

Hi All,

I looked around & wasn't sure where to post - here or in the health & diet thread...sorry if this is the wrong place.

I'm 30, 5 foot 4 and am bigger than I've ever been - around 165lbs.
6 years ago I weighed 125 and then put on a normal amount of weight when I was pregnant with my daughter.
After a couple of years I had lost maybe 10 to 15lbs of the babyfat and things were going fine.

Suddenly a year later I started putting it on and on and on and I'm not really sure what happened.

Mr Phlea had been trying to tell me for a couple of years that things seemed different, that maybe I was depressed... My periods became heavier & PMS has come do dominate most of any given month (before, during & sometimes after) - cramps are insanely intense and leave me feeling totally nauseous & my bowels a complete mess. My mood swings are from happy, a little teary to totally batshit crazy. The worst part is when I take it out on my daughter (oh, and my husband). I feel overwhelmed & like everything about my life sucks and will never get better. Helpless.

And then it gets better & I try to ignore how I felt the week before...until the next cycle begins.

I don't have a problem with being overweight. The bigger boobs are great. But I do have a problem with the closet of clothes that I love but can't fit into. And I have a problem with how much harder everything is - the extra exertion it takes to do any given task. And the fact that I obsessively untag any photo friends post of me on Facebook - because they're all just so unbearable.

I finally got it together enough to start riding my bike to work every day and it feels really good.
I hate all the traffic & people on my way to the daycare after work but it still beats riding transit with all those horrible people.

I don't have a family doctor right now, though my parents swear they've found a really awesome one I should see. And I don't have a shrink right now either. I used to see "Fred" who was the psychiatrist who saved my parents' marriage, but he's kind of friends with my dad & leaked info to my dad *which* while it wasn't top secret or anything it just totally made me feel like I couldn't talk to him. (Here in Ontario psychiatrists are fully covered by our healthcare system, so I'd opt for that over paying for a psychologist).

I was totally blind to all these things being related until a few months ago...I'm not sure what opened my eyes, but it just suddenly seemed so obvious. That the weight gain & crazy periods & depression = hormones out of whack or something...

So uh, yeah. Sorry for being so longwinded!

Hi to everyone here - I did the brief hello in the newbies thread, but this is my first real post.

[Queen Bull]

i dont know that this necessarily makes or breaks any point expressed here, but psychologists can refer you to get a prescription from a general doctor and vice versa, they can prescribe meds with a referral and proof of psychologist visits. Psychiatrists can do both and their treatment is based on meds a lot more than the different types of therapy offered by Psychologists. I also am pretty sure as a result they have to go through a residency and such. at least thats what my research said when i was in school.

[gradgal]

Thirtiesgirl, I think our perspectives on what psychologists can and cannot do is dependent in part on the country we live in. In Canada, psychologists cannot/do not have authority to prescribe any medication. It is prohibited by law, the Canadian Code of Ethics, and the College that governs all registered psychologists. I now see that some states do allow for the prescription of medication by psychologists so long as they have additional training and supervision.

Interesting given that psychologists' ability/licence to prescribe medication remains quite a controversial issue amongst many licenced psychologists and training programs.

[thirtiesgirl]

Psychologists are not medical doctors and cannot prescribe medication. They have obtaind a phd, often in clinical psychology, and specialize in the assessment and treatment of mental health issues. They conduct an assessment to determine the breath of symptoms experienced and are much more likely to provide brief therapy, such as cognitive behavior therpay, talk therapy etc., to treat. Therapy focusses more on the thoughts and behaviours that are contributing to feelings of depression.

True, although I have known psychologists who do prescribe anti-depressants. But they focus on talk therapy as well and will offer to provide it, which a psychiatrist doesn't do.

[gradgal]

Good advice thirtiesgirl, but I just want to clarify one thing.

I agree that when someone is feeling depressed it is important to get a referral to see someone who has specialized knowledge regarding the treatment of mental health issues (psychologist or psychiatrist), but add that the roles that psychiatrists and psychologists play in the treatment of mental health issues are different/not interchangeable.

Both psychiatrists and psychologists can conduct a mental health assessment in order to determine whether or not symptoms meet criteria for a formal diagnosis and both can 'diagnose' a mental health problem. However, the treatment that each profession provides is different.

Psychiatrists, trained as as medical doctors who specialized in mental health, can prescribe medications but are less likely to provide a patient with psychotherapy. After the initial intake/interview they are likely to provide a diagnosis and then prescribe medication if required. If medication is prescribed, regular follow-up appointments should be scheduled to ensure that the patient is on the right dosage/not experiencing any harmful side effects from the medication that they are on.

Psychologists are not medical doctors and cannot prescribe medication. They have obtaind a phd, often in clinical psychology, and specialize in the assessment and treatment of mental health issues. They conduct an assessment to determine the breath of symptoms experienced and are much more likely to provide brief therapy, such as cognitive behavior therpay, talk therapy etc., to treat. Therapy focusses more on the thoughts and behaviours that are contributing to feelings of depression.

Sometimes psychiatrists and psychologists work together as part of a multidisciplinary team so that medication (if required) and psychotherapy can be used in conjunction.

[thirtiesgirl]

I have a little question... I think I might be super depressed, like "I need meds" kind of depressed, or maybe it's just me being a Libra, I don't know...but I've heard that you can go to the doctor to get diagnosed with this. My question is, does it has to be a doctor with a speciality or your regular primary care physician? I haven't gone to the doctor in like 5 years, so first I have to get a new doc here haha! but yeah, can i ask him about it?

A psychologist or psychiatrist are the best people to prescribe anti-depressants. First, find a general practitioner (your primary doctor) and in your first appointment, mention your feelings of depression and ask your primary doctor to recommend a good psychologist or psychiatrist. Your doctor may try to prescribe anti-depressants for you, but I'd strongly recommend getting the prescription from a psychologist/psychiatrist - someone who's had more training to diagnose depression than a general practitioner. Before the psychologist prescribes anti-depressants, they need to 'interview' you - ask you a few questions about how and what you're feeling, what your situation is, etc. I'd also seriously recommend finding a therapist to talk with to help monitor your progress while taking anti-depressants. Not everyone has the same reaction to certain medications, so if you find certain side effects happening or they're not working the way you want, it's good to have a therapist to help talk you through it and help you figure out what the issue is with the medication you're taking. Then you can return to the psychologist/psychiatrist with a better perspective of what's happening with the medication, and be better able to tell them what's going on so they can prescribe something different that may work better.

Not to mention, talk therapy is an excellent way to help deal with depression. The medication deals with the chemicals in your brain that are causing the depression, but talk therapy will help you work through your emotions. If money is an issue, or your health care won't cover personal therapy, I'd recommend finding a community counseling center that has sliding scale fees, which means the amount you pay your therapist each week is based on how much you can afford. They usually discuss that during your intake appointment at the counseling center, to find out what your monthly income is and how much you feel you can pay per session. Then they'll usually quote you a fee, and if you feel it's too much, you can ask them to lower it, which they usually will. Then they'll work on setting you up with a therapist, hopefully within the next week or two. If it takes longer than that, I'd recommend finding another community counseling center who has more therapists available to help. Once you're set up with a therapist, make sure it's someone you're comfortable with. You can always ask the counseling center to set you up with another therapist, someone who's a better fit for you.

Big hugs to you and strength. You're doing the right thing. The first step is recognizing the issue, and recognizing that you sometimes can't do it alone. There is help.