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um... who me? uh i guess i'm the lounge's resident tranny. old school bustie formerly known as butta.

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entry May 24 2009, 11:31 PM
so i've taken years to figure out what method i'd use to kill myself. it may sound funny that it's taken me years. people thing that deciding to kill yourself is something that you do on the spur of the moment. i suppose my hesitation was a combo of two things: one my xtian up bringing, the other my dislike of pain.


the xtian up bringing, i suppose, was a war of attrition. my faith in god, my belief in christiantity, i knew, would eventually be worn down to a nub. it's that fear of eternal damnation, hell, etc, that held me in check on some degree. but the other day i was thinking that quite honestly, the pain of depression is my hell. while it's not constant, the brief breaks between my hurt, are porportionally about equal to a few brief rest stops on a loooooooooong, long, super long marathon road trip. this depression is what i swim in, and every now and again, i come up for air... and treading water, well, sometimes it's so weary-making.

tracey would tell me that i didn't want to kill myself because the way i died would tie me to this space, to this place. that i would just be a ghost relegated to reliving my pain. i don't believe that. besides, i'm reliving my pain anyways. how would that be a change? her other theory is that i'd be reincarnated until i learned i grew beyond my pain. but i figure, life energy doesn't work that way. after death i think it mingles with other people's energy, and i won't be me next time around. i'll just be small parts of other people.

the dislike of pain, was the real problem. when you are in pain, you really don't want to add any more. life will do that on it's own. plus i don't really have access to guns or meds, so that limits things. for years my method was a noose. i could tie a working noose in 5 seconds flat. it's a strange thing to brag about, but learning a skill is learning a skill. the problem with hanging yourself is that it can take way too long, unless, you jump from a great enough height to break your neck. and while my apartment does have high ceilings-- enough for me to hang a noose from-- they aren't high enough for the jump. so what to do? then i realized that the internets would probably have a good solution for my problem. mostly it was a run around. articles about some guy in australia's suicide machine. useless. then flipping the channel i saw a show about a kazillion ways to die, one of which was a couple who died of suffocation because they climbed inside a huge helium basketball. helium, unlike some tanked gases has no oxygen content. and then it hit me. helium tanks are easily obtained. you can get them from a box store like walmart for less than $50. combine it with the doctor from down under's gas mask idea, and bang. it's just that easy.

granted there is still some figuring out in fitting the gas mask to the tank, but i doubt it should prove too difficult. but it is crucial-- when inhaling helium the first part is dizzyness, then disorientation, then with lack of oxygen the brain functions shut down. if ended to early, say, from a leak, or a miscalculation on the amount of gas, then i'd end up a vegetable. but if not, then i just go to sleep. no pain, no jumping, i just go under...

there is a party supply place near downtown. hopefully i'll be able to get a tank by the end of the week. if not many places deliver tanks by mail/fed ex. it'll cost a bit more, but it will be good to get this set up. i've been waiting a while for this, and i feel like my time is coming soon (i hope).

XXXX recently got on meds, and she bounced back, it's funny. i don't think she completely forgot me, but it's obvious she's moved on, and feels much better. she doesn't need my help, my support. so i fade. actually, i'm kind of glad of that. sometimes friendships are so much weight. i used to think that part of the reasons that i pushed people away was because i didn't want to deal with them rejecting me because i was transgendered, but i think it's just as much that i really want to fade. friendships, entanglements.... make that more difficult in the same way that they made transitioning more difficult. i know it's where i will end, and i'm fine with that. but people's expectations get in the way....

many of my friends are on meds, and sometimes i think i should get on them too, but quite honestly, i'm looking forward to this. i remember reading this story in junior high about a girl who disappears one day. she wasn't kidnapped, she just started to fade and no one really notices. she just starts to fade. all traces of her, memories just disappear. i think that's the way i am meant to go. to just fade. i think there will be a few people who might be sad for a bit, but all and all, i don't think i will really be missed. not really. my friends, such as they are don't give me much thought, and why should they, i don't really go out, so they don't expect to see me. i don't call, so they don't expect to hear from me. i've been slowly fading, and no one at all has bothered to notice. so why would i want to take meds? so i can be happy that no one really misses me while i'm alive? ha. that doesn't make a lick of sense. no, i've always thought that i should have faded away a long time ago, after i read that book, i think, and since then i've just been loitering, living, if you can call it that, on borrowed time. besides, what am i supposed to do? cry for help? no, i don't want to be a drama queen, but even if i did, no one knows what i am talking about. i speak in my codes, and my friends don't listen to my words anyways. no, i'd rather just fade.

my bones have been aching again i haven't felt them do that in years. it's what happens when i am really in pain. but lately it's been more frequent. it's what makes me think i'm close. the idea that i might not make it another year actually makes me kinda happy. it will be so nice not to feel this pain.

i can't wait for my pain to end... although i know i will. but that's ok. i know it's coming. it could be a couple of months, or a year, but i will get there.

 
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