[gumby_cc]

There's this book called "sanity, madness, and the family", which just about saved my life....up until i read the book, I honestly thought i was going crazy....i come from an abusive, dysfunctional family and when i was living with my parents, i would try to have conversations with my mom about things my dad would do, and she would say to me, "that never happened! i dont know what you're talking about! stop making stuff up!"....i guess it was her way of coping, but i kept hearing it over and over and over again so i just eventually started believeing it. my boyfriend happened to give me the book and it was such a fucking relief to read it and realize that sanity was more a figment of perspective than anything else.
good luck all. this is a rough time of year.

[persimmon_grrrl]

it must be the murphy's law of gravity. darn physics!

[kittenb]

why is it so hard to feel normal around one's parents?

Because as soon as we get near them, at least 10 years of wisdom and maturity is shaved off of us.

[persimmon_grrrl]

thanks, gk.

hugs busties.

today i went on a job interview, and saw a therapist. it was useful.
i bought some groceries. why is it so hard to feel normal around one's parents?
arg.

once i get a job, i am so out.

[ginger_kitty]

(((kittenb & your sis)))

(((persimmon_grrrl))), I think all family's have there ups and downs. Distance can sometimes really help change things though. For me, I kind of vaguely get along with my parents, but we are so different. We just never seem to see eye to eye. And they are such cold people, I really don't think we'll ever connect or have a meanful relationship. But they are my parents so I try to accept them and hang on to some sort of relationship w/ them.

[kittenb]

I am not sure if this is the best place to write about this but I can't find a better fit. So...

My sister and her husband are breaking up. Mostly because he has a new girlfriend. All of his friends are now telling her that for three years the man has been telling everyone that they have an open marraige and that my sis is okay with that.

Well, he never told her they were having an open marraige. And I know she would not have been okay with it. It is tearing me apart but I can't fo anything. I want to kill the motherfucker. I loved this man. He was my family! How dare he do this to my sister?

To make matters even worse, my parent marraige broke up years ago b/c of a long-standing affair on my mother's part. I don't know, if I was in my sister's shoes, if I would have been able to go to our parents for support. Luckily she has.

I can't even articulate how angry I am at him. He is a liar and a freak and I hope ge gets some horrible disease that he passes on to his new g/f. Stupid hippie freak. He belongs to a Greatful Dead-style band and when I have gone to the concerts there were always these tiny little hippy-ettes twirling around in long skirts cooing over him b/c he was such a "real hippie," or whatever. I am guessing that it is one of them that he is with now.

Stupid bastard!

[persimmon_grrrl]

hi busties,

i hope everyone survived the recent holiday with their sanity.
i have been feeling pretty depressed lately, and am still living with the family, unfortunately. my main struggle right now is finding a job. i was actually offered a job in another city, but i need to look out for my income, as well, and i would be struggling. however, now i regret not taking the job and just saying, "i don't care how much/little i make, i just need a job because i can finally move out!"
i didn't, though, and so i've been interviewing for jobs, and am waiting on other options for now.

i have this feeling that i'll never get better around the family. i feel so hopeless, helpless, and trapped around them, and i feel like when i do respond by expressing myself, it is just seen as my own "pathology," and i'm told to take medication. while i understand that depression and other forms of trying to cope, and the symptoms of not coping, deserve treatment and help, it is also important that my healing be connected with open-eyed awareness of the causal factors leading to my body expressing discomfort, through eating, depression, mood, etc.

i so often feel trapped, and only recently (this past weekend), i felt utterly hopeless and angry with myself for not being out of the parents' home sooner. i don't consider them my family, though. emotionally, i feel very numb and disconnected from them. i do not trust them, and they are not people i feel i can have any meaningful connection or conversation with.

my health is suffering as a result. i'm socially and politically conscious enough to know that "thinking differently" and "changing my perspective" often isn't enough to create the kind of sustainable change i'd like to see in my own life, and also in the world i see. too much of the "meditate it away" seems to individualize and pathologize a single person, not connecting up the dots, and honestly doesn't work, since it is very isolating in its approach.

i definitely try to build community where i am. because it was the holiday, people were being nicer to me, and it threw me off. i've become very guarded and emotionally self-enclosed since i began living with the parents again. while it has not been a year, it is psychically very dangerous for me to live with them. i've been attacked by them, and am constantly criticized, from being interrogated about what and how i fed their dogs, to why i opened a blind this morning while sitting to eat breakfast at the kitchen table.

they know i don't have the job to move out yet, and they know i won't move out until i am sure that i can find a job and know i won't ever have to come back here again. in a sense, i feel they use this knowledge against me, knowing i don't have much recourse. i spent as little time here as possible, but this weekend i was feeling quite low and hung around.

there is a lot of packing i need to do, but i'm hesitant to do so. i wish i could just say, "bugger it all," and just take the clothes, toiletries, and several books i have. what's holding me back? i feel like i have more things i need to take, like kitchen things i've acquired over the years, the many books and papers i have. i don't want to leave anything here when i leave, nothing that i would have to return to get.

i do not trust my parents and i do not want to stay here much longer. it is creating a lot of pain in myself. i am trying to be well.

[ginger_kitty]

(((busties))) Wish my mom would get drunk....it might help her loosen up!

I have to say I was pleasently surprised, my hubby and I both agreed this was our best Thanksgiving, ever. My sisters house and family were so relaxed and chill. We feasted, I played with my niece for hours. My sis and I drank wine, the guys had a couple beers and we all ended up playing cards. Wish all holidays could be that great!

*shivers* Christmas is close, and I'm just not lucky enough to have two great holidays in one year. My sister is going to me out of state, so we are stuck w/ my hubby's fam or my mom and dad......maybe we'll just go MIA and celebrate on our own.

[sassygrrl]

Pink, welcome to my world. My mother and father get drunk and yell at me over the phone about my lifestyle choices, and how all my friends are assholes. I was so happy to spend Turkey Day away from them. I am not looking forward to Christmas at all.

They're now wanting me to move to SC to be closer to them. Although, I have not signed a lease at the new place. They put it in terms of if my new relationship and new job doesn't work out.... that's understandable, and a valid point. However, my shit job is getting better, and my relationship with Mcgeek is on the up and up.


Just when my life starts picking up, they have to just throw a monkey wrench into it.


((everyone))

[pinkmartyr]

it just wouldn't be thanksgiving unless my mom got drunk and acted rudely!

xo to everybody with uncomfortable situations today!

[kelkello]

I had to hang out with my family today. Egad. I had to play nice with my uncle who STOLE MY FUCKING CHRISTMAS GIFT last year. Who the hell steals gifts from their own family? And of course, everyone got completely wasted. My other uncle started his real life Michael Richards impression where every other word was the N word. I sometimes can't believe I have direct DNA links to these people. But I suffered through, and I lived to tell about it.

[gumby_cc]

Happy Thanksgiving to people with family problems! Hope it isn't too painful for anybody, at least it's just one day...

Today shall be relatively pain free for me, except for the fact that I feel obligated to call my father, whom I haven't seen in a year and haven't spoken to in at least 4 months. I guess it could be worse....I could be seeing him in person.

Lets get through it together!

[ginger_kitty]

My mom disowned my sister a couple of years ago. It's strange, and too much to go into, but I decided to go to my sister's house for Thanksgiving this year. And my mom is pissed. She is acting like I have betrayed her. But I have nephews and a niece and it's important to me to be a part of thier lives. Plus my mom is nuts and has no reason to be mad at my sister.

Personally, I am glad I chose to go to my sis's. It will be a really peaceful, relaxing day. But I wonder if my mother will ever get over herself and realize how much time she is wasted. Not to mention how many of our life events she hasn't been apart of and maybe regret it someday.

[persimmon_grrrl]

...

[mornington]

((((persimmon)))) ouch. it will work out! come in here to vent whenever you need.

[persimmon_grrrl]

dear ginger_kitty:

thanks so much for your encouragement! i am just going to keep taking action, keep interviewing, and keep on truckin'.

i can't wait to be free!

[ginger_kitty]

(((persimmon_grrrl)))Don't worry I have known tons of people in your situation, after college. Things will get better.


I moved out when after I turned 18. I worked part-time and went to college. I had started working odd jobs when I was 14 and was a pretty dilligent saver so I had a nice sized nest egg to fall back on. But times were rough, I had to have a pretty tight budget, and eventually ended up working full time and taking on roomates to get by. But I am pretty independent, and my family life wasn't exactly nuturing and supportive.
With my mom after you turned 18 you either moved out or got kicked out, so I planned ahead after seeing the struggles my older siblings went through.

But moving out was amazing! I loved being on my own and making my own rules and figuring out how I wanted to live my life. And eventually, I ended up having a better relationship with parents than I ever had when we lived together. (Though it still needs improvement)

Basically, it just weigh all of your options carefully. Housing and utilities vary from state to state, so its hard to let you know. Definately, listen to what mornington suggested. Good luck, coeur ny!

[persimmon_grrrl]

dear coeur: i support your imminent emancipation! i am in a similar boat.

[gumby_cc]

Good luck Coeur,

I'm just a sometime lurker but hope your situation improves.....it's really hard (financially) to move out on your own, I found myself in a similar situation to yours and know how stressful it can be.

I first moved away to college at 18 but then transfered to one closer to home at 19 and moved out at 20. I was still in school full time and it was a real struggle to do find a job to pay rent.....I was super lucky that my parents continued to pay my schooling....but everything else, rent, food, utilities, school books, transportation etc I was on my own. I worked my ass off at school ANd my bartending job and it was really hard but it was still better than living at home with my crazy ass dysfunctional family. In fact, I would have done it sooner except that my parents are manipulative and passive agressive so they would say sarcastic things like, "yeah, it's so hard to live with us..." or "if you weren't so angry we would all be happier living together as a familiy," etc etc. And I let it get to me so much that I really began to believe that I was the crazy one, not them. That is one thing I wonder about in your situation: if your parents are so overprotective of you now, would they be accepting of you moving out? Would they cut you off? Like I said, i was real lucky they continued (more or less) to pay for my education...without that, I would have either had to drop out or stay at home. My apartment was slummy and disgusting and infested with silverfish, and I had eight roommates and one single bathroom, but for the most part it was still better than living at home with my family.

Oh, and mornington's suggestions were awesome.

[mornington]

hi coeur, welcome to BUST!

well, I'm 20, and I've been in my own place for a couple of months now - however, my father still helps pay my rent (I'm at university and my course doesn't allow time for a job, my younger brother also lives with me during school holidays instead of with our father). I pay all my utilities (electricity, gas, water, internet, phone, tv license), food and other bills, as well as a third of my rent. Last year I lived in a shared apartment, but I was lucky enough to find this place for a relatively low rent for the area. I'm in London, so my budget probably wouldn't help, but my total rent, as well as utilities and food probably come to around £850/month or thereabouts. I get on with my mum - she lives overseas - but don't have a lot to do with my dad.

Are you at college or uni? If so, can you stay in halls/dorms - that might be an acceptable "halfway" for you as far as your parents are concerned. Your expenses will rely on what the local rent rates are like - work out what your funds are like (are you working as well as/instead of college?) and then look around to see what you have available in your town. To be honest, you'll be looking at a shared bedsit/studio. Even if you're not in college, if there's a local college that'll be a good place to start looking for available shared housing; if they have a housing office they might offer you some advice on budget.

Talk it over with your parents; do you have a good reason to stay where you are? Have you got friends/friends' parents who'll keep an eye on you? Hope that helps! Stick around, there are plenty of people who'll have much better advice than me.