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> General Relationship/Dating Advice
ketto
post Oct 22 2009, 11:00 AM
Post #61


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It's so hard to get back into it. I remember after my first serious breakup I tried to date a few guys and it just wasn't right. I felt anxious and just not ready. It was probably over a year before I was actually ready to date. In retrospect, boundary setting would have been smart with the guys I dated soon after the break up. I totally wasn't ready for the kind of things they wanted.


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rogue
post Oct 22 2009, 10:21 AM
Post #62


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You're right, ketto. I don't know if I am ready to start dating, and I think that's the thing. I think it might be best if I make it clear to him that we're just going to hang out or not go at all, you know? I don't know, it's just weird I guess. We're friends and everything and he's a good friend, but I just don't want him to assume that because of what we've done in the past we'll just keep doing it and right away without conventionally dating. Like I said, I'm really trying to keep things going at a decent pace - I've always rushed into things and have always gotten burned when it happened.

Thanks for the advice! I think that it would be best to just set the "boundaries" first - just to tell him how I want it to be / think about it. And like you said, syb, if he doesn't respect it he really isn't worth my time, which is what I'm beginning to learn.

Ugh, dating. tongue.gif


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ketto
post Oct 22 2009, 08:48 AM
Post #63


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I agree with Syb. Besides this guy sounding like not the best match right now, it doesn't really sound like you're totally ready to start dating again. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I sense a lot of hesitation in that regard. If you do want to just hang out, I'd make it clear beforehand what you want out of your relationship with him, be it dating or something else.


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sybarite
post Oct 22 2009, 08:29 AM
Post #64


it's cards on the table time
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Rogue, if the situation makes you uncomfortable, or precisely how he seems to be setting up your date makes you feel uncomfortable, it is 100% valid to simply say that. It's also valid to not say anything (especially as he is making assumptions you're not happy about) and just suggest something different: say you want to go a later show and leave it at that, if you like.

Even if you weren't recently out of a relationship how much you disclose about where you're at in regard to dating is always up to you. In relation to this date, don't let him call the shots if you don't like the way it's shaping up. Sometimes I slept with someone the first or second night, sometimes we waited over a month or so--whatever makes you the most comfortable is the way to go. If he can't agree to that or tries to pressure you in a different direction, he is not worth your time (even a 90 minute movie smile.gif ).
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rogue
post Oct 22 2009, 06:47 AM
Post #65


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From: The Great White North.


Ugh, I need a little help.

Some of you may know from the Moooving On thread that I just recently got out of a really bad two-year relationship (well, maybe not so recently, it ended at the end(ish) of July). Needless to say, I'm a little wary of getting involved with anyone at the moment as my last two relationships over the past three-and-a-half years were terrible. Really, really awful and damaging to my spirit, I guess you could call it.

So the problem is - there is a male friend of mine who likes me (that sounds so preteen but it's true, hehe). I just found this out yesterday. We have known one another for about eight years or so (since high school) and we've hooked up a few times in the past (most recently last month) and I am sort of interested in seeing where it could go if we begin dating, but I'm afraid that because of ourt past together (friends/hookup buddies - we have never had sex, just done sexual things, I guess you could call it) he won't think of me as anything else. It really makes me feel slutty, which I hate. I'm really trying to get away from my past as being the "easy" girl, because I kind of am - I have no problem with women who sleep with men quickly, I just know from my past experience it doesn't lead to anything good in my own personal life. I think I'm rambling. Anyway, I guess the best way to describe it is that he asked me to a movie this weekend and said we should go to an early show because that leaves time for "other things" afterward, and he said "other things" in a distinctly sexual way. I'm thinking that he is definitely the wrong type of guy for me - this would technically be our first real date and he's already looking to do sexual things afterward, which I just don't want. Like I said, I'm trying to reform myself. Does that sound weird?

I hope that this doesn't sound like I'm bashing on women because like I said, I have no problem with how people are when they date or are in relationships. Sometimes a woman can sleep with a man straight out the gate and it's completely fine, but I usually pick assholes and it is usually revealed that he's an asshole once we've slept together (way too early) and I don't want that to be the test of a good relationship. Does that make sense? If anyone has any advice it would be awesome because I really don't know what to do here. Should I say to him, "Hey, we can date and see where this goes but we're not fooling around for a while?" or just forget it entirely. Help?


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sevenseconds
post Oct 21 2009, 04:08 AM
Post #66


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From: The Present (trying so hard to stay there)


moved


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sevenseconds
post Oct 15 2009, 04:29 PM
Post #67


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Oh yeah, GT, aural does not beat around bushes, I've noticed. Which is awesome.
God is my witness i never meant to cross her;)
And thanks for the no-such-thing-as-out-of-turn remark.
I was just reading this and couldn't help making the connection with where I'm at, so I thought I'd offer that angle...
But for sure, that whole thing, not letting my heart be the price for my own need for exploration is something I'm learning about, so more power to ya, GT
7


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girltrouble
post Oct 15 2009, 01:51 PM
Post #68


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first, 7 there is no such thing as speaking out of turn. thank you for the advise. had it not been for the email....

i had aural consult because she knows full well what a pill/nutjob i can be. star certainly knows. but aural, well, of all the people on here, i know she'll call a spade a spade -- particularly if that means it's sooooo not what i want to hear. and i know she's more than tough enough to handle my stupid tantrums, and give as good as she gets.

quite honestly, i was happy to play it casually, and see how it played out, although there were signs of her running hot and cold before. the thing that changed it all was that email, which by it's nature meant one thing that she wanted more than friendship, the vibe from her, post email was at best, luke warm. when i asked her what the email was about, what it meant, her replies vague and felt like she thought she was doing me a favor. it really felt like she was playing games above all, and that was aural's assessment before i chimed in.

don't get me wrong, i like the girl, A LOT. but, that kind of put some things in perspective. i just don't think it's a good idea to let my heart get involved, or to really put myself out there with her. i wear my heart on my sleeve, and get hurt very easily. as it stands now, she'd really have to convince me that something more than friends wasn't one of her whims, subject to change in the next four hours.

it's a shame really. we have tons in common, make each other laugh hysterically, and complement each other's personalities. but i just don't like my emotions played with because she thinks it'd be funny.


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"what a swell farewell party! we said goodbye to everything, including the lining in my stomach." - garvey, from the film, born bad

"That's one career all females have in common, whether we like it or not: being a woman. Sooner or later, we've got to work at it, no matter how many other careers we've had or wanted." --margo channing, all about eve
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kittenb
post Oct 15 2009, 10:03 AM
Post #69


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I hope it was fun Annak!

Oooo GirlTrouble! tongue.gif


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sevenseconds
post Oct 14 2009, 11:01 PM
Post #70


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From: The Present (trying so hard to stay there)


GT,
if I may drop my two cents... Not everyone knows if they are into something serious at first, I certainly don't know for a while... some things attract me while others repulse me in the same person, and sometimes you have to keep the ambiguity going for a good time until the temperature rises and then even the repulsion, and my struggle with it, can turn into a very intense sexual energy... and also, some people who want to be dominated just play that hot/cold thing to show you they want you to take control;.
Thing is, are you looking for a serious relationship with her, or are you down with just testing it sexually?
Sorry for speaking out of line, but I am just freshly inside one of these myself where if the guy had clearly asked if we can start dating it would have been a *no way* (for many reasons, mostly... his social awkwardness is driving me nuts, but then he is so smooth one-on-one he can make me wet with one look;) Yet he worked his way under my skin and now he hears "good boy" in key moments a lot;)
good luck,
7


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girltrouble
post Oct 14 2009, 09:21 PM
Post #71


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me too although it's funny you would say that. i thought some of it was me, aural's opinion was harsher than mine.


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"what a swell farewell party! we said goodbye to everything, including the lining in my stomach." - garvey, from the film, born bad

"That's one career all females have in common, whether we like it or not: being a woman. Sooner or later, we've got to work at it, no matter how many other careers we've had or wanted." --margo channing, all about eve
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stargazer
post Oct 14 2009, 08:55 PM
Post #72


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Ahhhh. I'm glad you sought consultation with AP. wink.gif


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girltrouble
post Oct 14 2009, 07:36 PM
Post #73


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yeah, i think she likes me, but i don't think she likes me, likes me. long story, but aural consulted.


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"what a swell farewell party! we said goodbye to everything, including the lining in my stomach." - garvey, from the film, born bad

"That's one career all females have in common, whether we like it or not: being a woman. Sooner or later, we've got to work at it, no matter how many other careers we've had or wanted." --margo channing, all about eve
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stargazer
post Oct 14 2009, 04:17 PM
Post #74


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GT, uh, dood, I think she likes you too. Like AP, I've noticed she is blowing up your FB wall like nobody's business. Just follow Zoya's advice and take things casually.


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auralpoison
post Oct 14 2009, 02:09 PM
Post #75


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I noticed when she first started popping up & that she popped up with great frequency. She always has some clever/witty/funny comment at the ready. I mean, if my friend Nick were commenting so frequently on your posts or if your friend the JB started commenting on mine as frequently, I'd definitely think something more than just friendly was afoot. I'd think there was some sweatin', some strap danglin' goin' on.


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girltrouble
post Oct 14 2009, 12:27 PM
Post #76


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well, i'm glad it's not just me, aural. she's constantly telling me "she's not like this." with her other friends, but whenever i show special interest, she kind of backs off. on the two times we've hung out, she makes a point of talking about things she knows i like... perhaps she's the queen of mixed signals.[sigh] it's getting kind of annoying.

[eta] yeah. i'm really starting to think she's the queen of mixed signals, and it is putting me off BIG TIME. cos she is doing things that make me think she want's something more than friends (the email) but then pretends like it never happened. i've so not been starting things with her, she starts with me, i pursue a bit, she gets cold. this is getting super old, super fast. grrrrrrrr.


--------------------

"what a swell farewell party! we said goodbye to everything, including the lining in my stomach." - garvey, from the film, born bad

"That's one career all females have in common, whether we like it or not: being a woman. Sooner or later, we've got to work at it, no matter how many other careers we've had or wanted." --margo channing, all about eve
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anna k
post Oct 14 2009, 08:43 AM
Post #77


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Aww, yay zoya! I am so proud of you!

GT, that sounds so fun and exciting! Keep us posted!

I agree on feeling more comfortable dancing with girlfriends. Whenever I've gone out dancing, I feel more at ease dancing free and sexy with women, but more shyer or inhibited when dancing with a guy, not wanting to be flirty or sexy while dancing.

Today I'm going out on a date with a guy from OKCupid. We've been talking a lot, get along well (he likes cooking, likes heavy metal, wants to be an electrician), and tried to meet before, but schedules clashed. So now we're having lunch together, and I'm nervous and excited. It could be something, could be just a friend, whatever. I just like meeting new and interesting people and having good conversations without any expectations.
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roseviolet
post Oct 14 2009, 08:01 AM
Post #78


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Go for it, GT. I hear that "9" won't be in the theaters for much longer, so you better shake a leg!

Zoya, good for you!

Buttercups, I hope you went out with your girlfriends. My experience is similar to what others mentioned: if I go out dancing with girlfriends, we tend to stick together. The others are free to dance with guys if they want to, but if they do there's usually still at least one girl who will hang out with me until our friends come back. It usually isn't a big deal.

Aithinne, I totally agree with everything that has been said - especially CCG's post. Keep it casual & take things one step at a time. If you're interested in asking a guy out, veil it within a conversation. For instance, if you're talking about movies you've seen recently, you could mention a film that you want to see and ask if he'd like to come along. The same tactic can be used to ask him to a play, an art showing, whatever. After you've hung out alone once, you should know whether you're interested in this being a "dating" thing or just a friend thing.

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auralpoison
post Oct 14 2009, 06:54 AM
Post #79


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Um, she likes you, yeah. Her tone is definitely flirtatious. I can't imagine she puts as much effort into her other FB friends as she does into you because that would eat up a hefty chunk of her time, yo.


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girltrouble
post Oct 14 2009, 03:40 AM
Post #80


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yay! that's awesome, zoya!

i made what i thought was an innocuous comment to my crush on facebook, and, well, i got reply in the form of an email i was not expecting. blink.gif i'm pretty sure it means she likes me, unless she is an extreme flirt. i wrote her an email back. and we will see. i hesitate to call it a sure thing, because nothing is simple with me, or in my life. there is always some calibration, and recalculation that goes on, even 2+2 ends up being way more complicated. i think the signs are there. keep your fingers crossed and i'll tell you how it goes.

i haven't asked her to a movie yet, although i know what movie (9), the question is when.

but that letter... i think she likes me, and it just boggles my mind. i just wish i could be more sure.
time will tell.


--------------------

"what a swell farewell party! we said goodbye to everything, including the lining in my stomach." - garvey, from the film, born bad

"That's one career all females have in common, whether we like it or not: being a woman. Sooner or later, we've got to work at it, no matter how many other careers we've had or wanted." --margo channing, all about eve
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