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> BustSecret: Ordinary Confessions from Extraordinary Busties
beansalad
post May 31 2006, 06:51 PM
Post #5481


BUSTie
**
Posts: 39
From: Birmingham, UK


Thanks for the hugs everyone, they are very much appreciated. You are all such wonderful people.

Whammy - you're right, an alternative outlet would help, but the trouble is that that I usually want to cut in social situations, as a means of coping with what's going on in my head so that I can continue to remain in the situation. When I used to cut a lot it was mostly on nights out... I'd be laughing and drinking and messing around with my friends and then feel myself dip, disappear to the toilets to cut, then come back out and get right back into the party, then do it again and again. I struggle to find something 'portable' that would take the place of cutting as an alternative.

Wanting to cut has never gone away, even though I haven't given into it in so long. I feel like I'm repeating a never ending pattern. I'll cut regularly for a year or so and then stop for a year, then start again. I thought I had finally stopped for good. Now I feel like such a failure. I feel that I can't talk about it with my friends as I am so ashamed of myself for giving in. I'm also scared that that they will come to their own conclusions (probably right) as to why I did it and then they'll pity me, which I could never cope with. I've spent all day actively *not cutting*. It's been exhausting and I've got hardly anything done that I needed to do.

However, tomorrow is another day and I am resolved to get up at a decent time and attack my to-do list!

(((everyone)))
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doodlebug
post May 31 2006, 04:42 PM
Post #5482


I know it's only rock 'n' roll. But I like it.
***
Posts: 7,808
From: a riverbank in BC, Canada


doublepostsorry

(((((bunnyb)))))

(((((beansalad)))))

(((((culturehandy)))))

(((((everyone)))))


--------------------
Check out my band's new demo online! You can DL my original....and please fan up if ya like it!
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doodlebug
post May 31 2006, 04:12 PM
Post #5483


I know it's only rock 'n' roll. But I like it.
***
Posts: 7,808
From: a riverbank in BC, Canada


My confessions du jour:

After having that dream about my high school boyfriend on the weekend, and thinking about him ever since...I located the address of a person with his name in our old hometown, and I spent all last evening carefully composing a "light, breezy, and casual" note to send. (Nothing like the one I wrote in the letters thread!) I've gotten as far as transcribing it onto a card, addressing the envelope, and sticking the card in the envelope, but I haven't sealed it or taken any steps towards mailing it yet.

I also dug up an old picture of the two of us sitting on the mall Santa's lap together, both of us seventeen and both wearing our thick glasses and our school choir costumes. I haven't decided whether or not to include it in the card. Well, I haven't actually 100% decided whether or not to mail the card, so the photo is just an extra complication.

I have stupid, naive, and unrealistic hopes and dreams.


--------------------
Check out my band's new demo online! You can DL my original....and please fan up if ya like it!
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opheliathemuse
post May 31 2006, 03:55 PM
Post #5484


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 472
From: Somewhere over the rainbow beyond the sea


I like this thread quite a bit.

I confess:

I also I get impatient with people who are wilfully ignorant.

I also have a problem with finding people's emotional weak spots and exploiting them for my own purposes. I'm good, as peterbilt says, at reading the animal subtext of someone's desires.

I use my looks to get my way.

I like being found attractive, because it is a currency, especially where I live.

I want to be 20 lbs thinner, even though that would be extremely unhealthy for me.

I like looking like a little girl for all the wrong reasons.

I have been anorexic for a brief period. I want to be again. I like that control over food. I too have a really unhealthy relationship with food. I love haute cuisine restaurants and like to cook, but I prefer to feed other people if I'm not out at a very expensive restaurant. Food makes me feel either worthwhile or worthless. I don't know what to do about it.

I'm a commitment phobe.
I'd rather be treated indifferently than well in a relationship.

I feel like a survivor of something, but I don't know why, and I feel intensely guilty about it because I know there are people with worse stories than I have.

I'm also a perfectionist/procrastinator. I don't get things accomplished because of this. I'm better than my brother at this, but my self-esteem may be lower because I allow myself to let less-than-perfect things slip past.


lucizoe, I have really thin skin where girls are concerned. For some reason, not where guys are though.



--------------------
There is a willow grows aslant a brook,
That shows his hoar leaves in the glassy stream.
There with fantastic garlands did she come...
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whammy_bar
post May 31 2006, 03:34 PM
Post #5485


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 863


beansalad -- i suspect you use your body to express things, which can be quite a strength. Do you have any space in your life for a "free-throw breaking stuff zone" where people would understand it wasn't insane or criminal? well, most people dont... ah, -- dancing? massage?

bunnyb-- you are so very interested in things, curious, thorough, honest and tough-minded. Graduate school is tough for everyone. I'm sure that they will be very interested in helping you, as we would, when the world gets to see what you are writing we know it will be great!! go out buffy like and kick those demons' asses!

Ack, wish I could read and write more but I have big deadlines at my cool new job and must move into cool new apartment toMORROW. tons of work to do for the next few days.

but i want to say I'm sorry for being rigid and snarky friday if it was noticeable. I tend to dig my heels in when I feel stressed. Natural reaction, but except for that bust is the *friend* zone!!

confess: someday I will be more consistently 'there' for my friends IRL.
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bunnyb
post May 31 2006, 12:12 PM
Post #5486


The artist now known as I don't give a shit.
***
Posts: 4,053


(((lucizoe))) that type of abuse is sometimes the worst, it's a personal attack against you, your art and your talent. I read the first post as the girl being completely jealous of your talent; people choose to ruin/critcise/focus negatively upon the things you are most proud of because they know it will hurt the deepest.

btw, thanks for the hug, it was needed.


--------------------
"Hey, did anyone ever think Sylvia Plath wasn't crazy, maybe she was just cold? " (Lorelai Gilmore)
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lucizoe
post May 31 2006, 12:07 PM
Post #5487


Mr. Flibble's very cross.
***
Posts: 870


I want to clarify my last confession, as it was really un-confession-like...

I have been thinking about my childhood quite a lot, lately, in my neverending attempt to understand my brain, and the question of my oversensitivity to the world is foremost in my mind lately.

I have a really thin skin. I've never been confident in myself, despite any accomplishments I might have under my belt. The criticisms, deserved or not, constructive or simply mean-spirited, stick in my mind while any praise just disappears. I am convinced of my own mediocrity and incompetence in everything, particularly the things I love the most. Makes it hard to do anything.

As a kid I could never relax around my classmates, relatives other than my parents and brother, large crowds, teachers, you name it. I think the incidents with my artwork really hurt me more than I thought, because anything I create is a piece of me. It's like someone was trying to destroy and hurt me, my physical body. And why?

That sort of hostility, that sort of vitriol some people have for others for what seems to be no discernible reason other than an untreated mental illness - that scares me, because I have no defense against it. It's part of my social phobia problems; I'm so irrationally scared that someone will single me out for some reason. Interacting with strangers freezes me.

I know I should just toughen up, accept that some people are just assholes, not take it personally, I know. But I can't. I've never been able to. And that's really limiting and is making me feel like utter crap lately.
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freckleface2727
post May 31 2006, 11:17 AM
Post #5488


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 937
From: east coast


I miss the '80's.


--------------------
I am a *spark* in this world; get lit.
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lucizoe
post May 31 2006, 08:09 AM
Post #5489


Mr. Flibble's very cross.
***
Posts: 870


((bunnyb))

When I was in school, someone singled me out for a few years' worth of weird covert abuse. I wasn't called any names or picked on outright, but every piece of artwork I created that wound-up displayed somewhere was scribbled over with black marker or ripped apart or stolen. It started in third grade and the last time it happened was my senior year of high school, when someone broke into my locker with the sole purpose of ripping apart some sketches I had hanging on my door. Nothing was taken; they just destroyed my artwork.

It was weird and I have a vague feeling as to who it was, although I have no idea why. This one girl was always angry at me, like my very existence somehow offended her. But as far as I know, no one else had any sort of problem with me. Weird.
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bunnyb
post May 31 2006, 05:19 AM
Post #5490


The artist now known as I don't give a shit.
***
Posts: 4,053


double-post but I'm confession (un)happy.

I think I'm depressed; I can usually work myself out of it when I'm feeling down but this time it's not working. It's gone on for too long. I know it's because I'm stressed but I can't afford to feel this badly; I'm already behind in my dissertation and I'm terrified. I've made an appointment with a doctor and my tutor so that's a start; I can't keep hiding under the duvet wishing it would all go away.


--------------------
"Hey, did anyone ever think Sylvia Plath wasn't crazy, maybe she was just cold? " (Lorelai Gilmore)
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bunnyb
post May 30 2006, 02:58 PM
Post #5491


The artist now known as I don't give a shit.
***
Posts: 4,053


(((everyone)))

I am GREEN with envy as my friend was taken by her new boyfriend (of two months) to the swankiest restaurant and hotel in our city. I should just be happy for her as this is the first time she's had a boyfriend on her birthday; instead I'm being malicious and thinking "oh well, everyone will go downhill from now on." It was even me who match-made them so I should feel pride in them being so happy!

I feel disloyal to my boyfriend for being so jealous; he spoils me rotten but I still wish he could be more romantic. That was really hard to say as I love him with all my heart and he doesn't disappoint me. I just wish we could spend a great night in the same hotel - although now it will be jumping on bandwagon!


--------------------
"Hey, did anyone ever think Sylvia Plath wasn't crazy, maybe she was just cold? " (Lorelai Gilmore)
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ginger_kitty
post May 30 2006, 02:33 PM
Post #5492


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 1,237


((((culturehandy))))Don't beat yourslef up, honey. Everything heals with time.

((((beansalad)))) My husband used to cut himselfback before I met him. It took him a really long time to get to a place where he finally regrets doing it.

My confession is that I despise someone in my life very much. And I can't find forgiveness for this person in my heart. Even if my bitterness is troubling to others.


--------------------
-We are here on Earth to fart around. Don't let anybody tell you any different.

-What we think, we become.
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lucizoe
post May 30 2006, 02:09 PM
Post #5493


Mr. Flibble's very cross.
***
Posts: 870


(((beansalad)))

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beansalad
post May 30 2006, 02:06 PM
Post #5494


BUSTie
**
Posts: 39
From: Birmingham, UK


I cut myself yesterday for the first time in over a year.

I thought I had cured myself of my addiction, but I hadn't.

I don't want to think about why I did it.

I'm terrified that I'm going to do it again.
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katiebelle2882
post May 30 2006, 12:39 PM
Post #5495


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 647
From: NYC


culturehandy....while the relationship thing and how you feel about him is important (dont get back together with him) i think the more important thing here to worry about is being arrested. how are you holding up with that? did you retain a lawyer?


--------------------
“There's something about the Irish that is remarkable.”-François de la Rochefoucauld
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pixiedust
post May 30 2006, 09:41 AM
Post #5496


Tink's Red headed Step Sis
***
Posts: 1,810
From: oklahoma


culturehandy...there is a thread called survivors space in kvetch if you feel like dropping by. I went through the same thing a few years ago with my exhusband. What you are feeling is totally normal! Drop by if you need some support...or you can pm me. A lot of the people in there are dealing with rape and it can be hard to look at emotional abuse and look at that and think we are going through the same emotional turmoil.

My confesion: I emailed a friend the other day that moved a few years ago. It was very random, I just saw the e-mail address in an old file and thought "what the hell". I used to talk to this person at like 3 am on the nights I was alone and my ex husband was on the road. This is the first person to recognize my depression and tell me to do something about it. Why didn't I listen then instead of waiting over a year? Anyway, summing up the last 3 years or so of my life to this person has brought up some old memories and feelings I had forgotten about. I had forgotten about all the night terrors I used to have. But it is nice to reconnect with a friend from my "former life" since so many won't even speak to me anymore. And it shows how far I have gotten myself under control that it has been so long since I had night terrors that I have forgotten how bad they used to be.

ETA:To those who know my history...I just wanted to clarify this was just a friend who knew me, my ex, and the guy I dated after him.


--------------------
~May the Fleas of one thousand camels infest the crotch of any person who messes up your day, and may their arms be too short to scratch!~
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natulik
post May 30 2006, 09:34 AM
Post #5497


BUSTie
**
Posts: 48


(((culturehandy)))
As Freckle said, use this as an opportunity to redefine yourself and claim your own space. You're better off without him. You're your own person, you deserve better than an emotionally abusive asshole. And you're not weak or pathetic. We're all much stronger than we believe. Don't get back together, please.

own confession:
I've been half-seeing this guy who has a girlfriend for the past 7 months. Now he left her. And I'm suspecting he'll get together with his high school crush of almost eight years. Even though I don't have feelings for the guy (we're just friends), it would piss me off because I wanted to go through the powertrip of denying him a relationship with me.

I feel selfish. But I'm glad he left her. She's better off without him.

I'm a hypocrite.

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culturehandy
post May 30 2006, 09:06 AM
Post #5498


(o)(o)
***
Posts: 11,350
From: Oh boobs


I defined myself in terms in this relationship and now I don't know what to do. I want him back so badly, but I know I will further alienate myself. I just don't know what to do. This is my nightmare. I feel weak and pathetic, and anry, all at the same time.

Thank you (almost) everyone.


--------------------
Hatred does not cease in this world by hating, but by not hating; this is an eternal truth. --- Buddah, The Dhammapada
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freckleface2727
post May 30 2006, 08:16 AM
Post #5499


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 937
From: east coast


doodle-

I tend to balk at using the word 'reincarnation' bc to me, it conjures up shirley mclaine & flaky weirdness (part of the reasoning I don't/haven't told anyone else what I just confessed), rather, it's about the soul's (spiritual) evolution, that you are comprised of energy that comes through at different times in different ways. it's a celtic philosphy I study.. soul recognition of one another, like if you've ever just met someone totally new, but instantly feel you've met before, or known them forever? there ya go bc you probably have :-)

oy vey, sorry to be so o/t !

mando sweets, you ok? pm me if you want?

(((((culturehandy))))) it sounds as if you'll be ever so much better off without him, once you get your second wind and perspective again. think of it not as a loss so much but as a gain of Self.
you're a Wonderful woman who deserves MUCH more than to be mistreated!!
==shutting back up==

my current ongoing sin- checking a friends blog, to see if he's written about me.
I found him accidentally after 20 or so years, short email to him, he emailed back a catch up, I sent My catchup, and now nada.
maybe that's all he was interested in?
gah. if you have a blog, can you see who accesses it and how often?



--------------------
I am a *spark* in this world; get lit.
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skandelouslala
post May 30 2006, 02:38 AM
Post #5500


BUSTie
**
Posts: 25


I pray for the same thing every night.
I just don't pray...I beg.
But yet that prayer doesn't get answered.
I can't accept no.
And I no longer understand.
It makes it really hard to BELIEVE sometimes...

But I still do,
even if I don't know why.
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