[shinyx3]

data, you are strong! you will get through this! keep up posted and let us know how you are doing. ok.
(((data))))

[pollystyrene]

((Datagirl))

[datagirl]

So tonight is my last night of being pregnant.I'm scared and worried and a million things are running through my head.My mum will come with me tomorrow for support and also to drive me home.She made some home made chicken soup that I had over at her place today for lunch so she insisted that I take some home with me to eat tomorrow if I feel like it.Just simple kindnesses like that.Like my mum and I are in a sort of preparation for this.I've picked up some pain killers,cleaned the apartment and I have fresh sheets on my bed.Just to make it as comfortable as possible despite the situation.

I was playing the piano the other night and another thought occured.When do we get a soul?I started crying and had to stop.These thoughts appear when I play.I think it's because my mind just 'is' at that moment.Like meditation.These thoughts won't change my mind though.They just sneak up on me by surprise sometimes.
I will have the termination tomorrow morning.I will recover.It doesn't make it any easier though.I just feel so sad right now.Depressed.I don't want to talk to anyone about this tonight because I'll freak out and get too emotional.As I said,I need to be grounded tonight.
The father sent me a message saying that he's trying really hard to get the money together.I don't know.I guess time will tell.

[datagirl]

Ugh,I've been feeling a bit sick today.I wish there were no reminders.The father called on Saturday night and still wants to be friends!! He balked when I asked him to pay for half and to be honest I don't think I'll ever see the money.He's also a blatant liar as he said that he'd support me 'in every way' I never believed him though.It's the principle.He gets off scott free and that pisses me off no end.
I just hate this.Why can't he be fucking well responsible?? I really hurt him with what I said on the phone to him though.I was satisfied with that.
I've really gone off men and there will definately be trust issues with the next one,if there is another one.And I'm really hating being a woman which just makes me feel like crap.I'm a feminist so this is hard to come to terms with.
I really don't need this right now,but I'll feel really weak if I don't push it.I'm so tired and I got 2 speeding fines this week so thats a total of $160 (aus) in fines.Plus 6 demerit points off my licence.Three more and I'll lose it completely.I was only doing 10km over the speed limit too.
I know this post is a major vent.But I really needed to do this.
I'm just trying to get through the week and I nearly have.I'm proud that I went to work everyday this week and that I only cried once in the toilets.
I'm just pushing the emotions down because I have to.

[i_am_jan]

shiny: thanks girl ... i'm glad you are here too, your clear head is so necessary

hugs out to all

and

peace

[i_am_jan]

shiny: thanks girl ... i'm glad you are here too, your clear head is so necessary

hugs out to all

and

peace

[pollystyrene]

((data)) exactly what shiny said.

[shinyx3]

oh, no data, you are not a bad person. you are a responsible, strong woman taking control of her own life. thoughts come and go and play with our emotions but i think that is part of the whole acceptance process. but, again, you are strong and will get through this. i am glad that there is a clinic there that feels ok to you. i think that makes a huge difference in how you feel about what you are doing. if the staff is nice you are simply more comfortable.

i also think you are right in that the boy should take some responsibility and pay half but i bet that took alot of guts to ask for it.

*wishing you strength and support*

[datagirl]

i_am_jan thank you for your wise words.
Everything in my life is different now.The way I think about things.I definately want children.That's changed.I was so anti before.Now I can see that it
could be a profound love,just not with this one,not now.
I've made the appointment for Wednesday the 15th at 8am.First thing.I actually went to the clinic today.I needed to go just in case it was an awlful place but in fact it was ok and the people there were ok.I had to be buzzed in though and there were cameras.We don't have right to lifers picketing alot here in Australia.I don't hear of it at all thank goodness and today there were no crazies either.I was dreading that.
My mum will come with me.I emailed the father today telling him how much it was going to be and that I'd appreciate it if he'd pay half.I don't really want his money but I feel it's the right thing to do.Jesus this is hard.I hate that I have to wait for it to grow big enough to terminate.Sometimes I feel like I'm letting it down and I just feel so sad for it.One thought I had was that it would never see a blue sky,or love,or anything.This miracle happened for no reason at all and I'm destroying it.I hate when the thoughts turn like that.
Other times it's bearable.I went back to work today (I had 2 days off) and it was ok.Friday's are always quiet.I just don't know how the abortion will effect my work and if I'll be in tears at the drop of a hat.It's the aftermath that I'm dreading as well as the actual procedure.It'll be just on six weeks since my last period when I have the abortion so i hope that it will be over quickly.The receptionist at the clinic said that is would take about 5 minutes.I'll be under a light type of general anisthetic.I'll be asleep,but It will take less time to recover.I've got the week off so I can recover.
I'm not a bad person.But I feel calous and cold.

[culturehandy]

(((data)))) honey.

[shinyx3]

jan, sooo glad you are back! missed you! you always have such wise words!

[i_am_jan]

datagirl: Hope you're doing okay. You will make the right decision. God speaks to each one of us and you just need to listen to what the supreme parent is telling you is right for you at this moment. When you've done that, you've done the right thing for you.

It is totally normal to second guess choices. But you know, that's all it is ... your mind working through things.

Remember: Life is ultimately this: a series of choices. At times, it is difficult to choose between two roads to take. It's absolutely normal, healthy and intelligent to QUESTION your choices. It's healthy and wise to be CONSCIENTIOUS. Even guilt feelings are normal from what we hear on this board. Because this is life in an imperfect world and usually, no choice is 100% cool ... it's a totally normal human being who looks back on what COULD have been and reflects. But sometimes you've got to choose between the lesser of two evils. You are human. Give yourself a break. You can't be everyplace at once. You can only do your best for yourself and that's it. It is your job to do what you must to to take care of yourself - and ONLY YOURSELF. You do that, and then hold your head high - you have done your job. Just let your brain work through it all. After all - I don't think ANYONE is ever 100% okay with having to make the decision to have an abortion -- again, it's the lesser of two evils.


((((data))))

[shinyx3]

you may want to ask about counciling or therapy at the clinic. it can be very helpful in dealing with your feeling and thoughts about this. keep us posted and vent when ever you need.

[datagirl]

Thank you so much Shinyx3.This thread is so needed.

I know I can't have this baby,but my body is saying "Yes!"
A part of me wants it (and I even feel that it's a boy,which is just so wrong to think about) and I have fantasies about what it would look like ect.But the reality is I can't.It's not that it would ruin my life.It would impede my life.I haven't travelled,or been married or experienced alot of things and these things don't really seem important right now but I know that they will in the future.I am scared about the actual termination.My mum said to think of it as just a procedure to get my period back.She didn't say it in a casual way like it seems.More like I may have to be really practical about the whole thing so I can come out mentally ok.
I don't know.

[shinyx3]

data, hang in there, i dont think this is an easy decision for anyone. no matter what the circumstance is this is something that is a big deal. this is a major decision and you are a strong woman to look at the reality of what is happening in your life and make the choice that is right for you. i am so glad you have your mother to be there for and with you. support is so important. you will get through this and you will likely be stronger for it.

((((data))))

i know for myself it was a difficult decision and i knew exactly what i wanted but that didn't make the decision part easy. i was even married and financially in a place that it would have been ok but there were reasons that i did not even fully understand that made it sooo not ok to have a baby. so no matter your reasons, i am thankful that you have the choice to control this portion of your future. good luck to you and we are here for you to talk to. vent to. cry to. what ever you need. keep us posted.

[datagirl]

My period was late (5 days) on Monday so I went to the chemist (drug store) to get a home test. When I got home I did everything the directions said and within 15 seconds it had come back positive.I nearly colapsed.I cried,in fact I wept.Now I had a decision to make.I rang my friend who'd had an abortion about ten years ago (she has a todler to her husband now) and she calmed me down.I felt so alone.She said I wasn't.And that she'd support me whatever I decided to do.I then went to the doctor and she said that those home tests are pretty much 99% effective.She gave me a bunch of abortion information (that I requested) and phone numbers ect and scheduled me for a blood test.
My ex fiance came over when I got home (we're still really good friends) and kept me company for a few hours.I'm lucky I have good friends.
Then the guy who got me pregnant phoned.He never calls me.I couldn't believe it.I'd broken up with him about 3 weeks ago because he was too unstable.I had no intention of telling him. As far as I was concerned I'd made my decision.He'd never need to know. It was good in a way to hear from him though.He's very attractive but as I said he has ALOT of emotional problems.He still lives at home,no job,very self obsorbed and he has a temper.His reaction was ok when I told him though.He of course couldn't believe it and also said that he's support me in whatever I decided to do.I never believed him for a second though.
Then the next day he rang me saying how it's going to ruin his life if I have the child.I was absolutely livid.I'd already had to cancel all the gigs that were organised (I'm a singer/songwriter) and here he is saying that either way I'm going to regret it but that he really doesn't want a child.So I called him back after work and told him that he was a selfish,fucking prick and that I don't want to hear from him anymore.

I've realised that I am alone as far as making the decision.No one else can make it for me.Naively I never thought that this would happen to me.I'm not 15,I'm 29 and that age in itself should mean that I am somewhat capable of making a life changing decision.I'm trying not to get attached to what's going on in my womb.I'd like to have it,but practically it's impossible.I can't afford it and I'm scared to do this on my own with no dude to help me out.Sort of an us against the world thing that I can imagine with someone who I love.
If I was to have this child,I'd have to be in contact with his crazy father and his even crazier family.The child would grow up in an apartment,without a strong stable father,to a mother on welfare with a binge drinking problem.I want my child to have a childhood similar to the secure one I had.Ok, it wasn't perfect but at least my parents were never on welfare and I always felt secure.Both parents were there the entire time.I don't judge single parent families at all.Alot of single parents work damn hard to provide for their children.I just don't feel that I want to bring up a child in that situation.I want to do the best that I can and I want to do it with a stable partner who will stick around.

So yesterday I told my mum.She's going to accompany me to the clinic in about a week and a half to have the termination.I'm going to ask for a general anisthetic.I hope it will be over quickly.Then my mum will drive me home,put me to bed and look after me for as long as I need her.
I try not to cry.But last night I just couldn't believe that Im going to do this.I just want it to be 6 months to a year in the future.I want it to be over.I want the guilt to go away now and afterwards.

[karategrrl]

Hi, ladies.

I just popped in here to read a few posts, and I'm really impressed with all of you sharing your stories. I have never been in a position where I had to make a decision about an unwanted pregnancy, but I've had the pregnancy scares, and known a few people who have had the procedure, or guys whose girlfriends did. In all cases, it was a difficult decision. unfortunately, this is a very hush-hush topic when it is needs to be talked about. I'm grateful for this public yet anonymous place of discussion.

I used to belong to a church where everyone was (of course) anti-choice, "abortion is murder," yada yada. One time after a church service, a bunch of them started talking about it and planning to stand by the side of the road with picket signs and all that rot--as if that kind of approach is really going to make anybody listen anyway?????? (I mean, I see the wackos with the graphic signs outside Planned Parenthood and my first thought is, "Wacko...") Anyway, I spoke up to these church folks and said basically, "Listen, if you feel this strongly, that's not the way to go about it. Why not get involved with an unwed mother's group or get involved in some other way where you can talk/relate to people one-on-one, rather than shouting/picketing/acting loony?" All I got were blank stares.

What gets my goat is, the anti-choice people want to make abortions not happen, but where would they be when it came to taking care of all those unwanted kids? It takes money, time, patience, etc. Would they give that? I think they'd fall short.

Anyway, excuse my rant. I just wanted to say I admire you strong, brave women for sharing your experiences on this board.

[knorl05]

dayglow: i actually recently just heard about that movie i will for sure have to check it out. i think when it comes to radical views like that, the viewer has to watch with discretion. these opinions are out there and i think it's important to be aware of them, however i think we must also not allow it to oppress our own beliefs. i am the first to advocate for therapy, so i would suggest if the abortion is something that affects your self perception, that you perhaps look into talking it out with someone. only you know why you had to make the choice and only you have had to live with it, so if you have any sort of negative feelings over it at all i think you owe it to yourself to allow yourself to heal and move on with your life.

[dayglowpink]

Has anyone seen the movie Jesus Camp? I just watched it last night. It's a documentary about evangelical Christians basically indoctrinating and brainwashing their children into the whole belief system, and there's a scene where they get all these kids to protest abortion, etc. It made me feel really sick to see the kids being manipulated like this and sad about my abortions at the same time. Sometimes it's really hard for me to feel strong in my beliefs and choices when I see stuff like this, because I start feeling like I was the baby killer that they are talking about. I can recognize that they are extreme and that I disagree with everything else they are saying, but it still makes me feel bad. Another thing lately is that I wish that I was more comfortable with talking about my abortions with people I know. If the topic comes up at all, I feel like I have this deep dark secret that makes it much more personal and raw for me, but most people have no idea that it's more to me than just a political issue or whatever.

[shinyx3]

guess that just lets you know one more time that you made the right choice! what a ass! sometimes i wonder if there is any realization that it takes two people to create the little cluster of cell yet it seems that there is only one person who deals with it, finacially, emationally, physiccally, etc. youu are strong sam, you will deal with this too and then if you ever see said asshole again. hold your head up high an know that between the two of you, you are the strong one, he is the pathetic weakling that didn't take responsablilty.