[auralpoison]

He wasn't a blood relative, just by marriage.

I've decided to go to the service on Saturday, but I won't go by his home.

[damona]

aural, wow. just, wow. ((((((aural)))))

i'd be thrilled if one of my abusers was offed in a spectacular way.... well, actually, the one i have forgiven, but the guy when i was a teenager... oh yeah. i'd like to see him go out in pieces. small pieces.

anyway, i can understand how you'd feel kind of ambivalent about the whole thing, especially if he was a family member.

[Queen Bull]

((((((((((((((((survivors)))))))))))))))))))

[kittenb]

WOW! I don't know what to say about that. I would be thrilled to hear that my abuser drove himself off a cliff but he wasn't family so it would be very different.

Good luck.

[auralpoison]

Huh. I just got a call telling me one of my abusers died of a heart attack this morning. I always avoided him at family functions even though I forgave him, now I guess I won't have to. I do feel bad for his wife/kids. I do not feel moved enough to go over there with food stuffs, though.

ETA, JFC! Not only did he have a heart attack, he was on a motorcycle trip with his wife/some friends & apparently drove off a fucking cliff. His poor wife was videoing the whole thing! Now I have to go.

[persimmon_grrrl]

kittenb and deschatsrouge: thank you both for the thoughtful responses.

i'm glad that you pointed out that body work of any kind can be potentially triggering but also, i've learned, an incredibly rich and immediate source of starting the healing process. and relaxing, to boot! (acupuncture, i mean)

i did e-mail the acupuncturist before posting on this thread, so i believe the practitioner is aware of my concerns and feelings.

it's always nice to be reminded that my needs matter, and it's possible to have them met.

thank you both again.

[deschatsrouge]

Persimmon, please don't give up on trying to get your needs met. I know how you feel. I have been triggered in the past by doc's, especially when I had my IUD inserted. I realized that I have to be upfront about what I want, if I am to get what I want. That can be hard because of the stigma rape survivors/victims face. I decided that I was going to ignore the stigma and just communicate. When I went to get lithotripsy I looked my doc right in the eye and told him I was a rape survivor and did not like being touched or seen by people who didn't have to touch or see me. I think because I was straight forward and no nonsense about it he obeyed my wishes. I encourage you to demand and clearly communicate your needs to every health care professional. You deserve to have your needs met.

[kittenb]

persimmon_girl - acupuncture and other types of body work can bringg up all kinds of weird feeling and memories. It sounds like your acupuncturist isn't listening to you as she needs to. When I worked as a massage therapist I always encourage my clients to tell me how something felt and I let them know that I would work within their comfort level. They were the experts on their own bodies and how something felt. I always tried to find an effective technique that they were comfortable with.

Are you planning on sharing the letter with the acupuncturist? It would be good for her if you did but my priority is your happiness and well-being. I know 1 acupuncturist who is trained at working with survivors. I wish more body work practitioners would learn about sexual assault trauma and how to take a victim-centered approach to the work. I hope you feel better soon.

[persimmon_grrrl]

hi Damona - i hope that your headaches have ceased and that sleep is no longer eluding you.

dear survivors,

i felt triggered during my acupuncture session today, and i'm not sure how to put my finger on it. maybe i do. one day, while waiting for the bus after a yoga class, a man masturbated across the street from me. it was late at night, and dark. no body else was around. this is one reason why i feel unsafe exercising in public, or walking to an exercise type activity in the evening, which is when i'll be able to go after work.

i've lost my sense of feeling safe while being out in public.

i told this to the acupuncture practitioner who, among other people, encourages me to exercise to help various ailments.

then, the needles really hurt today. and one of her treatments felt uncomfortable. i felt burned by the moxibustion. and the door to her office doesn't close because, if she did, apparently we would be trapped inside. that is, the door handle inside of the room doesn't work (???).

today, i felt trapped. and i cried on the table. before i got to her office, i had an asthma attack on the train and had to use my rescue inhaler. she was in the room with me the entire time, and at one point i told her i felt uncomfortable. i remember clearly stating that i did not feel okay. i told her i felt like a guinea pig. i didn't feel relaxed or better afterwards, not one iota. she's a newly minted, in a word, acupuncturist and one, i suspect, who is eager to try her newly gained skills and exercise her degree.

for diagnostic purposes, i showed her my blood test results (basic bloodwork), and then she photocopied them. now i regret allowing her to do so; i feel violated.

after i got home, i wrote to the acupuncturist explaining my concerns and subsequent hesitation in continuing work with her. the thing is, she's sliding scale and affordable for me. previous to working with her, another person was way too expensive.

it's difficult to find people who are trained in sensitivity to survivors and also difficult to find people who are financially affordable. it's also difficult for practitioners to know everything about a client.

tonight was by far the worst acupuncture session i've ever experienced, and i never thought that was possible.

[damona]

((((((((everyone)))))))

still having troubles with insomnia and headaches, but i think that's more that my system is all out of whack right now than from any triggery things. hope you are all doing alright out there in bust-land.

[deschatsrouge]

((((survivors))))

[ananke]

I was triggered last night too. Bad and big time, but it's been building for a while.

[treehugger]

Damn, was I triggered yesterday...

That is all.

((((hugs to survivors)))) there will be better days soon.

[persimmon_grrrl]

hello, survivors' space.

i'm new to this thread.

"Women who run with the wolves" is an amazing book, and one that helped me so much when i was dealing with a lot of stress. i even bought a pair of red shoes in honor of listening to myself.

[neurotic.nelly]

Women Who Run With the Wolves is a wonderful book for survivors even though it is not specifically for that. Good call, nelly.
And it has been around long enough that you can almost always find it at a used book store for less $$.

I just bought a used copy last night on Amazon. I had a library copy before. I had it on my list all day to order it, and when I logged onto Amazon it was the first book on the page.
It will be nice to have my own copy.

((anake)) PTSD and anxiety f'in suck! Good luck with you job.

[kittenb]

I could have fucking smacked her when she said "you know this though, don't you? You've been through it".

Ugh, how infuriating. I once had a coworker at my retail job who was always making big with her issues. Everyone else thought she was crazy, I just figured that she hadn't had enough therapy yet. She came up to me on the sales floor and said, pretty loudly, "Jennifer, you must have been through something horrible to become as great as you are." Or something like that.
It was mortifying.

Good luck with the pregnancy. I think you will be a very good mother.

Hee, I just introduced my boy to joint cold showers. He didn't love them quite as much as I do but probably b/c I kept aiming the shower nozzle at him when he wasn't looking.

[ananke]

The TV/computer and not sleeping thing is about the light - it;s generally really bright, much brighter than even lights in most houses, and it screws with your ability to work with your natural sleep/wake rhythm.

/nerd

I've been..unbalanced. i guess that's the right word. I'm off the meds and trying to get pregnant (which is a whole different set of issues, including the fact that I was raped sans protection after telling him that I had missed a few pills and had no condoms, which is why I was saying no). The PMS is really bad and I keep having issues crop up with the Diva cup as well.

The biggest thing is work though - I'm in the process of reporting a bully which is making my anxiety go up which is making the PTSD rear its head again, when I thought it was mostly settled (one or two flashbacks every few months vs once a week, localised anxiety vs generalised). It took me a while to work out the links - I'm not reporting the bully because I feel bullied, which would explain the anxiety, I'm reporting her because everyone else backs down because she's so fucking aggressive. I can handle the aggression. But the anxiety keeps ramping up, with the vague physical crap. I also had a survivor come in, but I think she was an addict as well (methadone smell/look) so she was way too open for my liking, kept getting in my space and so desperately needed help. I could have fucking smacked her when she said "you know this though, don't you? You've been through it". Which was kinda the whole thing. I'm doing my job lady. I don't have to have gone through it to help you. So that fucking sucked. That was on the same day I told the big big bosses about the PTSD as well. So I came home and drank.

And smoked. Which was stupid. But I got through, which is the main thing.

Damona, I've found the weather being hot will make triggers and stuff worse. Have you and your partner tried showering together? The MU and I shower together a lot - not sex, just being together. Cold in summer, hot in winter. Not to mention it can be a really restful and non-triggery experience for me. There's no expectations of sex, just nice touching that doesn't trigger me. I've also found being really really strict about sleeping helps, partially because I HAVe to get up and HAVE to move, which can reset the insomnia, but then I can nap/sleep in as a real kind of indulgence to make myself feel better - that last bit only works if you really let yourself relax and rest. I tend to watch Futurama...

[deschatsrouge]

((((damona))))

[damona]

kitten and nelly, thank you. from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

[kittenb]

Women Who Run With the Wolves is a wonderful book for survivors even though it is not specifically for that. Good call, nelly.
And it has been around long enough that you can almost always find it at a used book store for less $$.