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> small breast support group - (I need it even if they don't)
KeraBear
post Sep 15 2010, 08:27 AM
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QUOTE(nbdx0645 @ Sep 14 2010, 10:26 PM) *
Or maybe I'll just punch the next person who makes fun of me. KA-POWW!


Yeeeeeeeeeeeeessss!!!

Buttercups: Yes, it still bothers me somewhat. Honestly, i am still trying to work out how i feel about porn because as you know from my past post, i really feel what you are sayingl! And my BF has offered to stop and he knows that i can change my mind if i really wanted to.

JAG: Thanks for a guy point of view. It really was helpful. You are such a brainiac (That was supposed to be a compliment. LOL) smile.gif
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karategrrl
post Sep 15 2010, 07:58 AM
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QUOTE(buttercups @ Sep 15 2010, 11:28 AM) *
I guess my point is that you don't have to just "accept" that your guy will look at porn. It's ok for it to bother you, it bothers many women- myself included. If you're truly over it and such then I am happy for you and glad you could overcome it, but don't feel like you necessarily over-reacted or that it's something you have to live with because "boys will be boys" and all that bullshit.

Thanks for sharing that. I do agree. Everyone has the right to their opinion, and whatever it is, it should be respected. And I SOOOOO hate that "boys will be boys" or "I can't help it, I'm a guy" crap. It's like women who blame everything on PMS.

Recently my stepson (about 24) came over with his new GF. He told his dad and I about a friend of his whose engagement might be called off due to the fact that his fiance found a Playboy in his sock drawer. Stepson thought it was ridiculous and blamed it on her being Mormon. My husband then agreed that it was stupid and said, "that's not even porn." Later I asked hubby about it and he apparently defines "porn" as sex acts depicted between two people--not airbrushed fantasy photos of solo women. Crap. Such crap. what bugs me most is the hypocrisy--I'd be willing to bet a day's pay that any man would be at least a little rattled to find Playgirl or such in his woman's sock drawer. I cannot see any man just brushing that off and saying," oh, that's not even porn" and "wow, that guys's got a huge weiner, but I still feel totally confident about mine, even though it's half the size!" Seriously, now I'm venting, but what goes up my ass sideways is men's hypocrisy. I've seen it a billion times. (No offense to your species, Just a Guy!) wink.gif

KeraBear, very glad it worked out. It's great when the crap events in relationships can morph into something better that improves the whole relationship overall.
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buttercups
post Sep 15 2010, 06:28 AM
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Sorry I'm late into the conversation and really glad it was resolved for you Kera, but I have a different perspective on things.

I have felt exactly like you and had a similar situation where I found porn on my ex-bfs computer. I found out he would be with me for a little bit during the night, then go home and look at porn- and of course all big fake boobs and such. It really hurt me and I definitely reacted to it. I felt completely inadequate and I have to say I still would. I find most porn to be extremely sexist and some guys do internalize that fake "ideal" and think all women look that way or there is something wrong with them. This ex of mine also was sexually aggressive and he even attributed it to porn himself. I felt very uncomfortable having him see my body and yes I am more insecure than a lot of the wonderful ladies on here, but it was a big problem for me feeling like I was being compared to fake images of "the perfect woman". For me it had to stop because I was definitely not ok with it and even today don't think I would be. I think maybe if I was someone more comfortable in my body that would be possible, but with the body I have - seeing my guy get off to something I don't and will never even resemble in the slightest is hard. I have very deep-rooted insecurities and can't pretend like they aren't there. Not to mention the fact that it pisses me off that a lot of porn is all these stereotypically "hot" chicks with ugly dudes ( even if they have big dicks- which don't turn me on anyways, they are still usually ugly guys).

I guess my point is that you don't have to just "accept" that your guy will look at porn. It's ok for it to bother you, it bothers many women- myself included. If you're truly over it and such then I am happy for you and glad you could overcome it, but don't feel like you necessarily over-reacted or that it's something you have to live with because "boys will be boys" and all that bullshit. If by any chance it still bothers you, have a talk with him and see what you can work out. Once I confessed to my ex-bf how much it hurt me and my insecurities he stopped doing it of his own free will, and that definitely helped me feel a little better in our relationship. Just offering you another perspective because hey that's what we're here for right!
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just_a_guy
post Sep 14 2010, 11:08 PM
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That's really great news kera biggrin.gif


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nbdx0645
post Sep 14 2010, 09:26 PM
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That's such great news, Kera.

Edit: For college, I went to UIUC, which was a very good opportunity for me. Unfortunately, I lived in a very party-centric location. It wouldn't have been quite as bad if I lived away from the Fratville. We had issues with students throwing parties that centered around racism and, of course, hazing. College is a polarized place. You have some of the best and brightest...and then you have the mean party animals.

I do feel bad if I rained on your parade. I got angry when I recalled those experiences. I attended school for 4 years, and I had one idiot yell at me across the street, and a so-called-friend made fun of me. I had a few 'well-meaning remarks' and a couple people who commented on their lilliputian-ness. That's really not so bad. Now I can look back and say "this is who I am" and apply that self-assurance to other situations. Or maybe I'll just punch the next person who makes fun of me. KA-POWW!

College is a great adventure.
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KeraBear
post Sep 14 2010, 09:22 PM
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nbdx0645 - Thanks for being so truthful about your college experience, even though it did rain on my parade!. That guy that drove by yelling at you is such a jerkface! I hope it did not discourage you from your rollerblading routine or from the comfort of your outfit so that you never wore it again. If so, then they win! And that's bad! What I want to know is what college did you go to, so that I can cross it off my list of potential places to apply this year! geeeeez
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KeraBear
post Sep 14 2010, 09:17 PM
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That WAS an awesome thing to read, nbdx0645! And so true. There is only one Kera like me! And unlike a lot of ladies in cyberspace, i am not fake. They're real and they're spectacular! smile.gif Okay, so i had a talk with my BF. He felt bad about what happened afterwards. And then i felt bad about him feeling bad. But I did as one of you advised. I used it as an opening for a long overdue convo on where both of us stand on stuff like this. We both agreed that we could have handled this better. I told him virtually everything that i had told you. My BF admitted to me that he is attracted to a wide variety of women and body types and that sort of thing, but that doesn't mean that he is attracted to me any less. Actually, in all my crazy emotions, i had forgotten all about how much he actually digs my bod. The evidence is in the bedroom where he scours every inch of my body and pays special attention to these little booblets that i sometimes loathe. Yes, i am not THAT wide-eyed and innocent! LMAO! He was a sweet heart and offered to stop just for me, but I didn't want to do that. I am still trying to sort out exactly how i feel about porn. The fact of the matter is that he IS a teenage boy and I cannot judge him too harshly. I guess if i feel like if it seems like it is getting out of hand and seems to be seriously having a negative impact on our relationship, i might change my mind. Because honestly, part of me shares Karategrrl's fears that it might escalate into something terrible. But, it looks like we are okay now. Thank you sooooooooo much. smile.gif
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lapis
post Sep 14 2010, 07:22 PM
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Hi--I've been thinking of my small boobs lately and wanted to jump in. My points connect with the small breast theme and Kerabear's concerns. I've been thinking about pron/body type for awhile, especially after dating a man who downloaded tons of porn with his breakfast daily, and these are my opinions.
1. Porn is something people consumer--it might not reflect their body preferences--it's a place to project fantasies or see things you might not ordinarily see, and these images might necessarily correspond with real life tastes and desires, so don't take it personally.
2. The flipside: I wouldn't want to date someone who really fixated on my body type and sought out that aesthetic on the internets--because then I would feel like a type rather than someone chosen for a constellation of things (looks, intelligence, ridiculousness, etc.). Not to detract from the hotness of my body type (super thin, flat chested, and big booty), of course...
I've been experiencing some body revelations lately because my new beau has had a thing for bigger girls and I'm tiny. What is really cool is that although he would present his preferences for a particular aesthetic, we have a clear and definite attraction that transcends both of our 'tastes'. Sometimes people are just hot together and that chemistry has its own beauty. I don't want to undermine anybody's body but just want to point out that bodies have synergy when they interact with each other. So, when I feel insecure about myself sometimes, I think about how hot my partner and I are together, and remind myself of it when I am alone. I think we compare ourselves to other people often but it's also good to think about how your bodies interact with and compliment each other...

Also, I got those aa Aerie bras and only the hannah style fits--but it's a good fit! Whoo hoo!
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just_a_guy
post Sep 14 2010, 05:44 PM
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QUOTE(karategrrl @ Sep 14 2010, 10:18 AM) *
That was an really awesome thing to read. Thanks, I needed that!!!!!

Just a guy, maybe your intro into this forum was a little thorny, but I will say for myself, it's nice to have you here. We've spent a lot of time here speculating about what guys think, etc. and it's nice to have a real guy here (who seems intelligent, thought-full and pretty darn down-to-earth) to offer his perspective. Guy, I want to ask you something about male behavior but not sure if it really belongs in the "small bust" forum. But this is the place I post most and feel like I shouldn't invade another forum if I'm not a regular.

As for the porn thing, I'm extremely picky as far as what I'm attracted to, so that definitely cuts down on it for me. I like tasteful erotica but most stuff out there is not of that caliber and demeaning to women, to say the least. I've also had more than one relationship where shared porn escalated gradually into actual cheating (mag porn--> movies-->strip clubs-->seeking out "real thing" & threesomes, etc.) so I want nothing of it with my husband and it actually kinda freaks me out.


I'm not sure, what the protocol is for that. Perhaps one of the mods can point us toward an appropriate thread, otherwise you are perfectly welcome to PM me about it.

I would definitely agree with you that it is extremely rare for threesomes and marriage to co-exist harmoniously, and even more rare when the rules of the relationship change midstream. In either case, it doesn't sound like something that you want, which should be all that matters to your partner. The escalation behavior you describe sounds very much like sex-addiction on the part of one (or both) of you, most likely with some codependency on the side of the other, but that is also a topic for another thread.


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karategrrl
post Sep 14 2010, 12:18 PM
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QUOTE(nbdx0645 @ Sep 14 2010, 01:51 AM) *
Remember, your partner can go through all the porn archives the Internet can offer -- he won't be able to find you.

That was an really awesome thing to read. Thanks, I needed that!!!!!

Just a guy, maybe your intro into this forum was a little thorny, but I will say for myself, it's nice to have you here. We've spent a lot of time here speculating about what guys think, etc. and it's nice to have a real guy here (who seems intelligent, thought-full and pretty darn down-to-earth) to offer his perspective. Guy, I want to ask you something about male behavior but not sure if it really belongs in the "small bust" forum. But this is the place I post most and feel like I shouldn't invade another forum if I'm not a regular.

As for the porn thing, I'm extremely picky as far as what I'm attracted to, so that definitely cuts down on it for me. I like tasteful erotica but most stuff out there is not of that caliber and demeaning to women, to say the least. I've also had more than one relationship where shared porn escalated gradually into actual cheating (mag porn--> movies-->strip clubs-->seeking out "real thing" & threesomes, etc.) so I want nothing of it with my husband and it actually kinda freaks me out.
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auralpoison
post Sep 14 2010, 03:26 AM
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Word, Persi!

And I forgot to post a link to the Porn thread should we wish to continue the porn convo without derailing this thread.


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Persiflager
post Sep 14 2010, 03:03 AM
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(((KeraBear))

To the best of my knowledge, 'what normal guys do' is pretty much as follows:

Hmm, I feel bored and/or horny.
I think I'll have a nice w*nk!
Fire up computer... google 'p*rn'.
Pictures of naked ladies have appeared. Awesome!
Happy times ensue.

Speaking personally, I go for the first thing I find that turns me on, and think 'yep, that'll do'. I'm too lazy to spend much time looking for something particular when I just want to get my rocks off. As most of the p*rn ladies out there fit a certain body type, I think that's what most guys end up looking at even if it's not their preference.

[Apologies for all the sissy asterisks, I'm typing at work.]


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just_a_guy
post Sep 14 2010, 02:54 AM
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I just wanted to say that I agree with both nbdx0645 and auralpoison.

Going back and reading my post on a computer (i was posting from my phone) I just want to be 100% clear that I don't think you or your boyfriend were wrong in this situation. It sounds like you both got a little emotional and defensive in the moment, and I would look at this as an opportunity to develop your communication skills with your partner, a skill which I think everyone here can agree is essential to any relationship lasting long term.

Being able to communicate my needs, and to trust that my partner will tell me hers, in a way that is safe (if not always comfortable) is the absolute most important thing to me in a relationship. It's the only way for me to feel like the other person both trusts me enough to be truly intimate, and knows and accepts me for the person I really am, flaws and all. I think any guy worth his salt will feel the same way (and your guy sounds like he is from your previous posts) and welcome this as an opportunity to get closer to you.

On a side note, I'm glad to find some common ground aural laugh.gif


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auralpoison
post Sep 14 2010, 01:34 AM
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While your feelings are completely valid, Kera, I do think you overreacted. You admitted yourself that you were having a bad day overall/were upset about other things & that the porn pushed you to lose your shit on him. He really hadn't done anything wrong per se since the two of you haven't had the "porn talk". He wasn't aware how much it would upset you or that he needed to spic & span his computer before letting you use it.

I think you should cut both of you some slack here fer reals. From what I've read, your fella is a good guy & I'm pretty sure he knows that porn is totally fake & corny fantasy fapping material. He has a real woman for actual lovemaking & intimacy, the spank bank is mostly just for getting in, getting off, & getting out. Everybody needs a little solo time & porn can spice that up. It's definitely not a comment on him being unhappy with you, your body, or your sex. Ease up on yourself some!

I really think you should listen to what NBDX said about this being a good segue into the "porn talk". Best advice on that: do it away from the bedroom or any kind of funsexytimes.

When my partner & I had our "porn talk", it was kind of a gas. As a white/hetero man, his porn is almost exclusively white/hetero, but he has sex with me, a mixed race woman. The blatant racism in porn squicks him out, so he doesn't watch it. My preferences lie in fun/funny/erotic pro-woman porn & hot guy gay porn. For some reason the gay porn thing surprised him, but he was okay with it. Porn is just something we don't share, but we also don't share computers, either, so it's not really a problem stumbling upon anything weird.

On a side note, you might want to look up Timothy Greenfield-Sanders' book Thinking XXX & the documentary that goes with it, also called Thinking XXX. It's portraits of thirty porn stars porned-up, but also portraits of them in their natural state. The differences are quite interesting & it shows you that the plain looking woman or man standing in line next to you at the coffee shop could be a porn star sans fards.


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nbdx0645
post Sep 13 2010, 08:51 PM
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Kera, it's okay that you reacted that way. It was a knee-jerk reaction to something you were completely unprepared for. I do feel that men should be more sympathetic to the wide range of reactions that females have toward porn. It is very well-known that some women hate it, others are intimidated, some are indifferent, and others are aroused.

I dated a guy who had terabytes of porn (in 2005, mind you!) and that bothered me. I've been in your situation before, but I just held my feelings in. Looking back on it, I should have come forward and said that it made me feel uncomfortable. I didn't give him a fair chance to explain his side of the story. I have dated men who didn't fully appreciate my body type, and they simply come out in the wash. =) If I remember correctly, you have a nice boyfriend. What you did is a common reaction, and you should only apologize if you feel that you acted out of line. Sex, intimacy, and arousal varies greatly from person-to-person. Your follow-up conversation can double as a segue into what interests you (and interests him) sexually.

Speak your mind and ask him to be honest about his porn preferences and girlfriend preferences. It can be very hard to see that your body type was not represented in the material he was looking at. Remember, your partner can go through all the porn archives the Internet can offer -- he won't be able to find you.
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just_a_guy
post Sep 13 2010, 07:25 PM
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QUOTE(KeraBear @ Sep 13 2010, 03:55 PM) *
Speaking of media ... I need some advice. My BF and I got into a terrible fight earlier today. I was over at his house and went over to use his computer. There were some images of porn that he had not cleared from the screen. I had been having a bad day up to that point. I am pretty sure i bombed a test at school this morning and i was having another bad body day - you know where you hate the world because it is taller and has bigger boobs than you so you are frustrated at the unfairness of it all? Yeah. Anyways, so I saw these images of these tall, curvy naked women and I dunno... i just lost it. All the frustrations of my day came out and I really let him have it!! Seeing those women made me feel inadequate. Like I couldn't possibly measure up EVER. They seemed so perfect. I felt like he needed to go to the Internet to make up for what i didn't have - hips, breasts, the rest of the package. He said there was nothing wrong with it and I was acting like I had caught him cheating on me or something. We had never talked much about porn, and i never much really thought about it until i was just now confronted with it.

Was I overeacting? Isn't this just what normal guys do? What are your thoughts about porn?


Hey kera!

I think that your reaction makes total sense given your explanation. Unfortunately, I'm guessing that your bf didn't get the whole rationale and you may have held him accountable for your own securities in the moment. It's okay, we all do that from time to time. Notwithstanding that, it still wasn't particularly fair to him.

I can say that almost every guy I know (myself included) indulge in pornography and masturbation with varying frequency and regularity depending on the person. I can also say this is even more likely in a high school aged male. It's important to know that whether or not a guy looks at porn or masturbated while in a relationship almost never has to do with dissatisfaction in his partner. It's just one of those things we do for ourselves. It's "me time."

If I were your bf in this situation I know that I would probably be hoping for the chance to talk calmly about what happened, to hear that my actions weren't the sole reason for your reaction, and to reassure you that my feelings for you have nothing to do with my recreational activities.

I hope things work out well for you, and I hope this helped some :-)


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nbdx0645
post Sep 13 2010, 06:05 PM
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I hate to say this.

The comments that I received in my college experience were more vulgar, but the number of comments decreased. I used to rollerblade in workout clothes until a dude pointed at me and yelled "FLATTY PATTY FLATTY PATTY FLATTY PATTY" as I skated by him and his friends who were laughing hysterically. Another time, I was hanging out among friends and one of them blurted out that "my male friend has bigger tits than me." He called me on my phone and begged for forgiveness, but I never talked to him again.

I felt that I could never escape my breasts, even in college. In all honesty, I don't have a noticeable projection, and my male friend is a heavy guy, but I hate that I've got 5'9'' of physical self and everyone seems to zero-in on 1 square foot of it.

It's sad, I went to one of the best public colleges in the nation and I still got to deal with that shit. Idiots are everywhere.
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KeraBear
post Sep 13 2010, 05:55 PM
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Speaking of media ... I need some advice. My BF and I got into a terrible fight earlier today. I was over at his house and went over to use his computer. There were some images of porn that he had not cleared from the screen. I had been having a bad day up to that point. I am pretty sure i bombed a test at school this morning and i was having another bad body day - you know where you hate the world because it is taller and has bigger boobs than you so you are frustrated at the unfairness of it all? Yeah. Anyways, so I saw these images of these tall, curvy naked women and I dunno... i just lost it. All the frustrations of my day came out and I really let him have it!! Seeing those women made me feel inadequate. Like I couldn't possibly measure up EVER. They seemed so perfect. I felt like he needed to go to the Internet to make up for what i didn't have - hips, breasts, the rest of the package. He said there was nothing wrong with it and I was acting like I had caught him cheating on me or something. We had never talked much about porn, and i never much really thought about it until i was just now confronted with it.

Was I overeacting? Isn't this just what normal guys do? What are your thoughts about porn?
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KeraBear
post Sep 13 2010, 05:50 PM
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QUOTE(strongirl @ Sep 13 2010, 04:53 PM) *
Kera, it absolutely does get better after high school! And you are so healthy and well-put together that if you can be like that in high school, you are totally going to kick ass and take names when you get out into a bigger pond. "RAWR" is right! smile.gif

And I do apologize for implying that competition between women "only" exists in our heads - in some environments, and high school is definitely one of them - it is the absolute reality of the situation. Beauty contests and strip clubs would be some other examples that spring to mind.

What I was ranting against is the kind of competition that women are taught to engage in within our own heads - where we see another woman, or girl, and immediately compare ourselves to her based on the media standard for women's looks: is she flatter, fatter, or older than me? Yes - then I can feel better about myself. No - then I feel worse. No one wins with that stuff, at least not for long. That's the kind of mentality that I try to avoid and encourage others to avoid. And instead enjoy the beauty and uniqueness in ourselves and in other women.


Thank god it gets better! High school can be hell sometimes! LOL And thanks for the compliment, SG! I don't really feel put together most of the time, but thanks. Most of the credit goes towards my mom and also you fine ladies right here.

Thanks for clarifying what you meant by the compeition. yea, i guess i can agree with that. I know i am certainly guilty of that from time to time... comparing myself to other girls and what the media says is beautiful. Good call. That is bad news.
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strongirl
post Sep 13 2010, 03:53 PM
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Kera, it absolutely does get better after high school! And you are so healthy and well-put together that if you can be like that in high school, you are totally going to kick ass and take names when you get out into a bigger pond. "RAWR" is right! smile.gif

And I do apologize for implying that competition between women "only" exists in our heads - in some environments, and high school is definitely one of them - it is the absolute reality of the situation. Beauty contests and strip clubs would be some other examples that spring to mind.

What I was ranting against is the kind of competition that women are taught to engage in within our own heads - where we see another woman, or girl, and immediately compare ourselves to her based on the media standard for women's looks: is she flatter, fatter, or older than me? Yes - then I can feel better about myself. No - then I feel worse. No one wins with that stuff, at least not for long. That's the kind of mentality that I try to avoid and encourage others to avoid. And instead enjoy the beauty and uniqueness in ourselves and in other women.

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