[KeraBear]

That WAS an awesome thing to read, nbdx0645! And so true. There is only one Kera like me! And unlike a lot of ladies in cyberspace, i am not fake. They're real and they're spectacular! Okay, so i had a talk with my BF. He felt bad about what happened afterwards. And then i felt bad about him feeling bad. But I did as one of you advised. I used it as an opening for a long overdue convo on where both of us stand on stuff like this. We both agreed that we could have handled this better. I told him virtually everything that i had told you. My BF admitted to me that he is attracted to a wide variety of women and body types and that sort of thing, but that doesn't mean that he is attracted to me any less. Actually, in all my crazy emotions, i had forgotten all about how much he actually digs my bod. The evidence is in the bedroom where he scours every inch of my body and pays special attention to these little booblets that i sometimes loathe. Yes, i am not THAT wide-eyed and innocent! LMAO! He was a sweet heart and offered to stop just for me, but I didn't want to do that. I am still trying to sort out exactly how i feel about porn. The fact of the matter is that he IS a teenage boy and I cannot judge him too harshly. I guess if i feel like if it seems like it is getting out of hand and seems to be seriously having a negative impact on our relationship, i might change my mind. Because honestly, part of me shares Karategrrl's fears that it might escalate into something terrible. But, it looks like we are okay now. Thank you sooooooooo much.

[lapis]

Hi--I've been thinking of my small boobs lately and wanted to jump in. My points connect with the small breast theme and Kerabear's concerns. I've been thinking about pron/body type for awhile, especially after dating a man who downloaded tons of porn with his breakfast daily, and these are my opinions.
1. Porn is something people consumer--it might not reflect their body preferences--it's a place to project fantasies or see things you might not ordinarily see, and these images might necessarily correspond with real life tastes and desires, so don't take it personally.
2. The flipside: I wouldn't want to date someone who really fixated on my body type and sought out that aesthetic on the internets--because then I would feel like a type rather than someone chosen for a constellation of things (looks, intelligence, ridiculousness, etc.). Not to detract from the hotness of my body type (super thin, flat chested, and big booty), of course...
I've been experiencing some body revelations lately because my new beau has had a thing for bigger girls and I'm tiny. What is really cool is that although he would present his preferences for a particular aesthetic, we have a clear and definite attraction that transcends both of our 'tastes'. Sometimes people are just hot together and that chemistry has its own beauty. I don't want to undermine anybody's body but just want to point out that bodies have synergy when they interact with each other. So, when I feel insecure about myself sometimes, I think about how hot my partner and I are together, and remind myself of it when I am alone. I think we compare ourselves to other people often but it's also good to think about how your bodies interact with and compliment each other...

Also, I got those aa Aerie bras and only the hannah style fits--but it's a good fit! Whoo hoo!

[just_a_guy]

That was an really awesome thing to read. Thanks, I needed that!!!!!

Just a guy, maybe your intro into this forum was a little thorny, but I will say for myself, it's nice to have you here. We've spent a lot of time here speculating about what guys think, etc. and it's nice to have a real guy here (who seems intelligent, thought-full and pretty darn down-to-earth) to offer his perspective. Guy, I want to ask you something about male behavior but not sure if it really belongs in the "small bust" forum. But this is the place I post most and feel like I shouldn't invade another forum if I'm not a regular.

As for the porn thing, I'm extremely picky as far as what I'm attracted to, so that definitely cuts down on it for me. I like tasteful erotica but most stuff out there is not of that caliber and demeaning to women, to say the least. I've also had more than one relationship where shared porn escalated gradually into actual cheating (mag porn--> movies-->strip clubs-->seeking out "real thing" & threesomes, etc.) so I want nothing of it with my husband and it actually kinda freaks me out.

I'm not sure, what the protocol is for that. Perhaps one of the mods can point us toward an appropriate thread, otherwise you are perfectly welcome to PM me about it.

I would definitely agree with you that it is extremely rare for threesomes and marriage to co-exist harmoniously, and even more rare when the rules of the relationship change midstream. In either case, it doesn't sound like something that you want, which should be all that matters to your partner. The escalation behavior you describe sounds very much like sex-addiction on the part of one (or both) of you, most likely with some codependency on the side of the other, but that is also a topic for another thread.

[karategrrl]

Remember, your partner can go through all the porn archives the Internet can offer -- he won't be able to find you.

That was an really awesome thing to read. Thanks, I needed that!!!!!

Just a guy, maybe your intro into this forum was a little thorny, but I will say for myself, it's nice to have you here. We've spent a lot of time here speculating about what guys think, etc. and it's nice to have a real guy here (who seems intelligent, thought-full and pretty darn down-to-earth) to offer his perspective. Guy, I want to ask you something about male behavior but not sure if it really belongs in the "small bust" forum. But this is the place I post most and feel like I shouldn't invade another forum if I'm not a regular.

As for the porn thing, I'm extremely picky as far as what I'm attracted to, so that definitely cuts down on it for me. I like tasteful erotica but most stuff out there is not of that caliber and demeaning to women, to say the least. I've also had more than one relationship where shared porn escalated gradually into actual cheating (mag porn--> movies-->strip clubs-->seeking out "real thing" & threesomes, etc.) so I want nothing of it with my husband and it actually kinda freaks me out.

[auralpoison]

Word, Persi!

And I forgot to post a link to the Porn thread should we wish to continue the porn convo without derailing this thread.

[Persiflager]

(((KeraBear))

To the best of my knowledge, 'what normal guys do' is pretty much as follows:

Hmm, I feel bored and/or horny.
I think I'll have a nice w*nk!
Fire up computer... google 'p*rn'.
Pictures of naked ladies have appeared. Awesome!
Happy times ensue.

Speaking personally, I go for the first thing I find that turns me on, and think 'yep, that'll do'. I'm too lazy to spend much time looking for something particular when I just want to get my rocks off. As most of the p*rn ladies out there fit a certain body type, I think that's what most guys end up looking at even if it's not their preference.

[Apologies for all the sissy asterisks, I'm typing at work.]

[just_a_guy]

I just wanted to say that I agree with both nbdx0645 and auralpoison.

Going back and reading my post on a computer (i was posting from my phone) I just want to be 100% clear that I don't think you or your boyfriend were wrong in this situation. It sounds like you both got a little emotional and defensive in the moment, and I would look at this as an opportunity to develop your communication skills with your partner, a skill which I think everyone here can agree is essential to any relationship lasting long term.

Being able to communicate my needs, and to trust that my partner will tell me hers, in a way that is safe (if not always comfortable) is the absolute most important thing to me in a relationship. It's the only way for me to feel like the other person both trusts me enough to be truly intimate, and knows and accepts me for the person I really am, flaws and all. I think any guy worth his salt will feel the same way (and your guy sounds like he is from your previous posts) and welcome this as an opportunity to get closer to you.

On a side note, I'm glad to find some common ground aural

[auralpoison]

While your feelings are completely valid, Kera, I do think you overreacted. You admitted yourself that you were having a bad day overall/were upset about other things & that the porn pushed you to lose your shit on him. He really hadn't done anything wrong per se since the two of you haven't had the "porn talk". He wasn't aware how much it would upset you or that he needed to spic & span his computer before letting you use it.

I think you should cut both of you some slack here fer reals. From what I've read, your fella is a good guy & I'm pretty sure he knows that porn is totally fake & corny fantasy fapping material. He has a real woman for actual lovemaking & intimacy, the spank bank is mostly just for getting in, getting off, & getting out. Everybody needs a little solo time & porn can spice that up. It's definitely not a comment on him being unhappy with you, your body, or your sex. Ease up on yourself some!

I really think you should listen to what NBDX said about this being a good segue into the "porn talk". Best advice on that: do it away from the bedroom or any kind of funsexytimes.

When my partner & I had our "porn talk", it was kind of a gas. As a white/hetero man, his porn is almost exclusively white/hetero, but he has sex with me, a mixed race woman. The blatant racism in porn squicks him out, so he doesn't watch it. My preferences lie in fun/funny/erotic pro-woman porn & hot guy gay porn. For some reason the gay porn thing surprised him, but he was okay with it. Porn is just something we don't share, but we also don't share computers, either, so it's not really a problem stumbling upon anything weird.

On a side note, you might want to look up Timothy Greenfield-Sanders' book Thinking XXX & the documentary that goes with it, also called Thinking XXX. It's portraits of thirty porn stars porned-up, but also portraits of them in their natural state. The differences are quite interesting & it shows you that the plain looking woman or man standing in line next to you at the coffee shop could be a porn star sans fards.

[nbdx0645]

Kera, it's okay that you reacted that way. It was a knee-jerk reaction to something you were completely unprepared for. I do feel that men should be more sympathetic to the wide range of reactions that females have toward porn. It is very well-known that some women hate it, others are intimidated, some are indifferent, and others are aroused.

I dated a guy who had terabytes of porn (in 2005, mind you!) and that bothered me. I've been in your situation before, but I just held my feelings in. Looking back on it, I should have come forward and said that it made me feel uncomfortable. I didn't give him a fair chance to explain his side of the story. I have dated men who didn't fully appreciate my body type, and they simply come out in the wash. =) If I remember correctly, you have a nice boyfriend. What you did is a common reaction, and you should only apologize if you feel that you acted out of line. Sex, intimacy, and arousal varies greatly from person-to-person. Your follow-up conversation can double as a segue into what interests you (and interests him) sexually.

Speak your mind and ask him to be honest about his porn preferences and girlfriend preferences. It can be very hard to see that your body type was not represented in the material he was looking at. Remember, your partner can go through all the porn archives the Internet can offer -- he won't be able to find you.

[just_a_guy]

Speaking of media ... I need some advice. My BF and I got into a terrible fight earlier today. I was over at his house and went over to use his computer. There were some images of porn that he had not cleared from the screen. I had been having a bad day up to that point. I am pretty sure i bombed a test at school this morning and i was having another bad body day - you know where you hate the world because it is taller and has bigger boobs than you so you are frustrated at the unfairness of it all? Yeah. Anyways, so I saw these images of these tall, curvy naked women and I dunno... i just lost it. All the frustrations of my day came out and I really let him have it!! Seeing those women made me feel inadequate. Like I couldn't possibly measure up EVER. They seemed so perfect. I felt like he needed to go to the Internet to make up for what i didn't have - hips, breasts, the rest of the package. He said there was nothing wrong with it and I was acting like I had caught him cheating on me or something. We had never talked much about porn, and i never much really thought about it until i was just now confronted with it.

Was I overeacting? Isn't this just what normal guys do? What are your thoughts about porn?

Hey kera!

I think that your reaction makes total sense given your explanation. Unfortunately, I'm guessing that your bf didn't get the whole rationale and you may have held him accountable for your own securities in the moment. It's okay, we all do that from time to time. Notwithstanding that, it still wasn't particularly fair to him.

I can say that almost every guy I know (myself included) indulge in pornography and masturbation with varying frequency and regularity depending on the person. I can also say this is even more likely in a high school aged male. It's important to know that whether or not a guy looks at porn or masturbated while in a relationship almost never has to do with dissatisfaction in his partner. It's just one of those things we do for ourselves. It's "me time."

If I were your bf in this situation I know that I would probably be hoping for the chance to talk calmly about what happened, to hear that my actions weren't the sole reason for your reaction, and to reassure you that my feelings for you have nothing to do with my recreational activities.

I hope things work out well for you, and I hope this helped some :-)

[nbdx0645]

I hate to say this.

The comments that I received in my college experience were more vulgar, but the number of comments decreased. I used to rollerblade in workout clothes until a dude pointed at me and yelled "FLATTY PATTY FLATTY PATTY FLATTY PATTY" as I skated by him and his friends who were laughing hysterically. Another time, I was hanging out among friends and one of them blurted out that "my male friend has bigger tits than me." He called me on my phone and begged for forgiveness, but I never talked to him again.

I felt that I could never escape my breasts, even in college. In all honesty, I don't have a noticeable projection, and my male friend is a heavy guy, but I hate that I've got 5'9'' of physical self and everyone seems to zero-in on 1 square foot of it.

It's sad, I went to one of the best public colleges in the nation and I still got to deal with that shit. Idiots are everywhere.

[KeraBear]

Speaking of media ... I need some advice. My BF and I got into a terrible fight earlier today. I was over at his house and went over to use his computer. There were some images of porn that he had not cleared from the screen. I had been having a bad day up to that point. I am pretty sure i bombed a test at school this morning and i was having another bad body day - you know where you hate the world because it is taller and has bigger boobs than you so you are frustrated at the unfairness of it all? Yeah. Anyways, so I saw these images of these tall, curvy naked women and I dunno... i just lost it. All the frustrations of my day came out and I really let him have it!! Seeing those women made me feel inadequate. Like I couldn't possibly measure up EVER. They seemed so perfect. I felt like he needed to go to the Internet to make up for what i didn't have - hips, breasts, the rest of the package. He said there was nothing wrong with it and I was acting like I had caught him cheating on me or something. We had never talked much about porn, and i never much really thought about it until i was just now confronted with it.

Was I overeacting? Isn't this just what normal guys do? What are your thoughts about porn?

[KeraBear]

Kera, it absolutely does get better after high school! And you are so healthy and well-put together that if you can be like that in high school, you are totally going to kick ass and take names when you get out into a bigger pond. "RAWR" is right!

And I do apologize for implying that competition between women "only" exists in our heads - in some environments, and high school is definitely one of them - it is the absolute reality of the situation. Beauty contests and strip clubs would be some other examples that spring to mind.

What I was ranting against is the kind of competition that women are taught to engage in within our own heads - where we see another woman, or girl, and immediately compare ourselves to her based on the media standard for women's looks: is she flatter, fatter, or older than me? Yes - then I can feel better about myself. No - then I feel worse. No one wins with that stuff, at least not for long. That's the kind of mentality that I try to avoid and encourage others to avoid. And instead enjoy the beauty and uniqueness in ourselves and in other women.

Thank god it gets better! High school can be hell sometimes! LOL And thanks for the compliment, SG! I don't really feel put together most of the time, but thanks. Most of the credit goes towards my mom and also you fine ladies right here.

Thanks for clarifying what you meant by the compeition. yea, i guess i can agree with that. I know i am certainly guilty of that from time to time... comparing myself to other girls and what the media says is beautiful. Good call. That is bad news.

[strongirl]

Kera, it absolutely does get better after high school! And you are so healthy and well-put together that if you can be like that in high school, you are totally going to kick ass and take names when you get out into a bigger pond. "RAWR" is right!

And I do apologize for implying that competition between women "only" exists in our heads - in some environments, and high school is definitely one of them - it is the absolute reality of the situation. Beauty contests and strip clubs would be some other examples that spring to mind.

What I was ranting against is the kind of competition that women are taught to engage in within our own heads - where we see another woman, or girl, and immediately compare ourselves to her based on the media standard for women's looks: is she flatter, fatter, or older than me? Yes - then I can feel better about myself. No - then I feel worse. No one wins with that stuff, at least not for long. That's the kind of mentality that I try to avoid and encourage others to avoid. And instead enjoy the beauty and uniqueness in ourselves and in other women.

[Persiflager]

*delurks*

As a larger-boobed lady with a 30 band, I can confirm that I've had the same experience. I'm pretty sure they actually thought that I invented the number.

*relurks*

[enfermera]

discowombat, they made you feel bad for having a small BAND size? that is ridiculous. (not ridiculous of you, ridiculous of them.) there are plenty of women out there who have very large breasts and still have a tiny band size. i also hate the public experience of bra shopping at vs, so i just don't. thank goodness there was even one knowledgable salesperson there to be helpful! i just don't understand why that store insists on maintaining the pretense of being a specialty boutique, when their product isn't that great and their sales people tend to have the same minimal training as your general, run-of-the-mill department store employees. (this is assumption; i've never looked into the training procedures at vs.)

[KeraBear]

Oooh... sorry to hear about the VS experience, Wombat. I wish I could help, but i've never really dealt with salespeople, nor ever actually got sized by someone or anything like that. I mostly take care of my bra needs at Target. You are a 30 band? geeez, i could see how that could comlpicate things. I am rocking the 32 myself. But my goodness, those salespeople were pretty worthless right there huh? I mean, c'mon do your jobs or something! At least one of them was able to step up and be of some sort of help, wow. And naw you are not a mutant. Just unique!

Ha ha, after months and months of lurking, all of a sudden i am feeling talkative. LOL

[KeraBear]

I completely agree with Kera and and SG about being a target for competition and conquest. Is it an in-group out-group mentality? I remember when I was younger, I'd try to run away when the topic of breasts came up. Somehow, I'd get sucked into the big maw of "Aww sucks to be you" or "Finally! I'm no longer the flattest one in the room!" Or, they start talking about how massive someone else's breasts are, and you can see that the girl is very uncomfortable, but you're too afraid to help because you don't want the evil stares and comments directed at you. I'm one of those girls who never really made it out of high school with her sanity intact. It was a dark and scary time. I wanted breasts because I wanted the comments to stop.

The worst part is that many of the girls who commented were genuinely trying to help. They'd offer fashion advice, exercise tips and weird rituals to help them grow. They'd let you know how sorry they are for you. What do you say to that?

Yeah, exactly! I try to shrink away whenever the topic of breasts comes up because it ALWAYS seems to turn into a let's pity Kera party. It was the same kind of awkwardness when the topic of periods might come up during my freshman year. I still didn't have mine yet, so I would get singled out (although i have to say, some girls were jealous about that LOL!) "Finally! I'm no longer the flattest one in the room!" I have heard things like that too. I'm like, "really? Did you really have to go there?" So rude. Glad I could make you feel better about yourself at the expense of my own struggling self esteem, geeez. But girls can be equally vicious to other girls with bigger breasts, too.

But if it isn't somebody putting me down, it is somebody trying to make me feel better about myself or fashion tips on how to mask my "problem". You are right. What do you even say to that? Wow high school is so messed up. Perhaps it IS simply a matter of speaking out - telling it like it is. Shouting from the rooftops - "DAMMIT, I AM BEAUTIFUL JUST THE WAY I AM. Being a woman is more than two lumps hanging from your chest! I am woman hear me roar! RAWR!" LMAO!

I am in my senior year now though, so soon i get to leave all this behind! WOOT! It does get better in college ... umm... right?

[discowombat]

So I went into Victoria's Secret today....

I'm sure you all know how well that worked out.

I went in knowing I'd be assaulted with helpfulness from no less than 3 sales people during my 10 minute stay. In conversation I used my vast knowledge of bra sizing and fitting to express what I needed and why. I feigned confidence (or at least indifference) about my size. I explained that I wished they stocked the 30 band in stores but I knew it was only available online, so I was here to try on some 32s to see if there was a possibility the ones in my proper size would fit right in the cup if I ordered them... Yet, after being asked my size in a very public place by 2 of the 3 employees before I could even try anything on, then later receiving looks of disbelief and comments of "Really?!??!" after telling them that the 32s were too big my self confidence was once again torn to shreds. Did I not make it clear to them earlier that I knew what I was looking for? I'm might be tiny, but I'm not a mutant. Are they really that surprised when someone declines to buy products that don't fit them?

I do have to say that one lady was understanding, seemed to believe me when I told her it was loose on the tightest clasp, and told me about a specialty bra store in town that I did not know about. Many thanks to her! However, I wish my bra shopping wasn't such a public experience! Nothing like the other two employees being loud enough to make other customers stare.

[nbdx0645]

I completely agree with Kera and and SG about being a target for competition and conquest. Is it an in-group out-group mentality? I remember when I was younger, I'd try to run away when the topic of breasts came up. Somehow, I'd get sucked into the big maw of "Aww sucks to be you" or "Finally! I'm no longer the flattest one in the room!" Or, they start talking about how massive someone else's breasts are, and you can see that the girl is very uncomfortable, but you're too afraid to help because you don't want the evil stares and comments directed at you. I'm one of those girls who never really made it out of high school with her sanity intact. It was a dark and scary time. I wanted breasts because I wanted the comments to stop.

The worst part is that many of the girls who commented were genuinely trying to help. They'd offer fashion advice, exercise tips and weird rituals to help them grow. They'd let you know how sorry they are for you. What do you say to that?