[glassk]

............. i thought i was past this................

but I know I still have problems when I down a large glass of water at least 3, 4 hours after eating, (and all I've eaten today is 1/2 a medium, healthy pizza) .......... and then feel that I really need to purge.

it's fucking WATER.
I felt a little sick to my stomach, but that's no excuse.
Fuck.

[knorl05]

crino: good to hear you are resisting the urge to purge ; o thats really one of the stages in overcoming the cycle. you have to be willing to stand there and realize that it's not what you want for yourself and it does nothing to contribute to your well being. stress sucks. various forms of therapy seem to help me with stress.. and engaging a less stressful lifestyle helps as well. glad to hear things are progressing for you and you are moving along nicely in life despite weight issues. i think it's important to remember life is never going to be "perfect" but we can at least try to make the best of it.

how is everyone else?

[crinoline]

Hi everyone!
I've had very little internet access all summer.
I am doing...okay. I'm not completely freaking out over the five pounds I gained while at home this summer. I'm the only person I know who gains weight at home but loses it at school. Well, hopefully I'll lose it again. I dunno, because I'm not taking my usual dance classes, instead focusing on LSAT prep. mmm. It's exactly enough weight gain that my clothes all still fit correctly, but I am acutely aware of the small differences. Crinoboy swears I look exactly the same naked as I did three months ago, but what does he know?
Anyway, I have resisted purging for a month now. However, I have binged a few times, really binged to the point of pain. I know it's stress related with school and everything.
So yeah. How is everyone else doing?

[sassygrrl]

Hello? Anyone?

[hannahmh]

how is everyone doing?

[crazyoldcatlady]

illness + 1 week off from gym + overdosing on carbs + 5lbs = catlady disproportional amount of guilt.

seriously, i walk a fine, fine line of body love and body hatred, and...

sigh. friday night masochism. yum.

hannah, i think we're almost doubly hard on ourselves once we've lost weight and it comes back. it's like we tell ourselves, "you got down to x lbs before, so one, you know it's possible for your body to be there, and two, how did you let it go back up?"

maybesparrow, i get a little anxious too, when it comes to the end of the day and i need to go to the gym, but something comes up... and then i chastise myself for not having more self-discipline to get up in the AM instead, eventhough i love working out in PM to blow off post-work steam...

so, i thought i'd try out octi's trigger list; some do overlap:

triggers: old jeans that aren't even close to fitting anymore, not working out, the scale ( !), pms bloating and carb craving, fri night masochism & random bouts of loneliness
anti-triggers: post work-out drenched in sweat or after summitting a mountain, wearing a trendy and comfortable well-put-together outfit, a good hair day, i wish i could think of more...

and hugs for ((BUSTies)) all around in here...

[hannahmh]

hi everyone! how are you doing? i'm ok. been trying to focus on working out and being kind to myself and taking good care of my body. but i've certainly gained weight since being at my skinniest, and i'm having a hard time accepting it and being ok with my body with a few extra pounds. i took an impromptu trip to my hometown to visit a few of my oldest girlfriends, and for some reason that sparked a lot of body panic and loathing. the last time they all saw me, i was much skinnier. i can't help feeling as if i have somehow failed. especially because a friend lost a lot of weight. everyone was commenting and complimenting her. nd she does look great! she's been doing weight watchers, which is how i lost all my weight. so of course i'm proud of her and happy for her, but it's so hard not to compare. i always assume people are thinking the worst of me and judging me, even if i'm def the harshest critic of myself. i'm just so scared that i can't eat healthfully and not obsessively and maintain a thin-ish weight. because i am still careful about what i eat, and am such a healthy person, and the moment i stopped restricting obsessively i feel like my body just wanted to gain and gain. it's been a while now. some days, i feel pretty and ok. some days, i feel deeply horrible about myself. more than anything, i'm so tired of the same thoughts, of still feeling the same way. i just wish i could get over it, snap out of it, spend my energy worrying about more interesting and productive things. i feel like i'm doing all these things that should help: i have a avery smart, supportive therapist, i am taking (pretty) good care of my body, trying to do things that make me happy and reinforce positive thoughts and feelings. but i still feel like i'm caught in this destructive, stupid cycle of self-loathing that i want so bad to escape! yikes!

[glassk]

sorry i didn't post a followup there; just a quick one.
i've been cooking actual meals, but since being sick my portions have gone down. it took me two days to start eating again and i've had a few obsessive days but i'm okay. i think.

((BUSTies))
i'm off to bed. 'night!

[MaybeSparrow]

((((sass)))) Sorry to hear about the outside influences (as if we need a voice other than one in our heads telling us to obsess over weight). I had an ex whose family was european and thought it was better if I lived off of coffee and cigs instead of being fat. They would poke my belly and shake their head when I would reach for something fatty. I was 17, and it took me 3-4 years to get over it. I really feel for you...having others be aware of your weight is so so so stressful. Just do what feels right for you!!! Hugs all around.


I've been doing pretty good, but I am still super obsessed with my fitness regiman. I panic when an occasion arises that will conflict with my gym time. I'm trying to see the big picture, will I really remember a day at the gym, or a day out with my in-laws. I need some perspective!!!

[knorl05]

(((sass))): god i'm sorry. women can suck. especially in the work world because you're stuck being around people who arent really your type of people anyway.. you know they're not your friends, you dont CHOOSE to have them in your life. it's a necessary evil if you wanna survive cause you gotta work. ignore ignore ignore. turn your nose up. be sweet. whatever you have to do to maintain. but just remember that if they have the audacity to say that to another woman, they are not strong women, so their opinions dont mean shit.

[sassygrrl]

Feeling a little better. I know it's been a couple of weeks, but it was just tough to deal with a judgemental mother. Especially when she knows that I'm on a med that causes weight gain!! Jeebus! My parents think my ED is bullshit. They think b/c I'm not thin, I don't have one.


Octinoxate, I agree with some of your triggers. It was hard dealing with some of these skinny girls at work. In fact I remember one of them called me "fat" one day! And other said I needed to be on a diet(which the woman that said was about 100 pounds overweight herself) I worked with about 95% woman, and there were some evil bitches.

Sometimes it's just hard not to compare you know?

Sass, I'm working on portion size myself.

((all ED busties))

[sassafrass]

Octi, I love the "hanging out with really old people"! It made me smile: I can totally relate. In fact, I love old people in general.

[_octinoxate]

Welcome, missjoy! I'm glad you've found your way in here! (And yes- I too loved sass's advice to u!) One thing I noticed in your post (and that echoed my own experience) is that mental health, physical health, and being a size 6 don't necessarily go together. I think it's so important to remind ourselves of that, because so often "healthy" is code for "skinny" -- and so often "healthy" just refers to the physical and ignores the mental.

I've been thinking about these connections lately, because for the most part I'm happy with my body and don't have many food/weight issues anymore, but there are times I falter. Times I feel fat, ugly, slobby, dissatisfied with my body and with my looks in general. I'm trying to figure out what exactly these times are-- what triggers me. Some things I've noticed that can trigger me:

-seeing a super buff chick at the gym (not about her being skinny, but in awesome shape and muscular)
-seeing my (judgmental) ex at the gym
-having my knee pain flare up and thus not being able to do the physical things i'd like to do
-not working out for a while
-seeing a bigger number on the scale (or sometimes, seeing the same number on the scale, if i've been working out and i'm not seeing results there)
-wearing one particular pair of tight-waisted pants i've got
-seeing this tall, skinny, hot chick at work
-having a bad break out
-hearing my guy friends check out other girls and comment on their looks

In contrast, I feel great about myself/my body when:

-i've been working out and doing physical therapy
-i work out early in the morning
-i can lift a weight that's heavier than what I lifted last time
-i hang out with body-positive women
-i'm involved with a boy that digs my body
-it's windy and i'm wearing a skirt
-i'm in heels
-my hair and skin look good
-i'm happy otherwise
-i'm in a good mood and smiling
-i'm at a physical location that i feel at peace in
-i'm wearing a sharp, well-fitting outfit
-i'm hanging out with really old people
-i'm the strongest woman in the room
-i see a smaller number on the scale
-my knee pain is not present
-i've shaved
-i'm swimming
-i break a record of mine (eg, in time using the elliptical trainer, intensity of a phys therapy exercise, etc.)

So.... I guess one rough generalization is that I tend to feel crappy when I'm in a situation that it's easy for me to compare myself to another woman whose "better" than me in some looks-related way... and I tend to feel good when I'm more focused on my personal best, and my non-looks strengths, and I'm doing healthy things.

Anyone else notice any patterns about their own feelings? When is it hard for you to stay on the recovery wagon? When is it easy to fall off? I'd love to hear!

[knorl05]

oh yes missjoy, welcome please feel free to share all you like. we all have a lot to say.

[knorl05]

sass: just wanna say that was phenomenal advice. it's like, "this is what works".. so simple yet we make it so hard. thanks for sharing, good to keep these techniques/practices in mind.

i'd also like to add that what's helped me stay focused is knowing why i am becoming healthier. i think once we keep in mind not only the how but also the why we are more likely to stick with it.

[sassafrass]

Missjoy: I'm so glad you came to this forum, welcome! I can relate to many aspects of your story, and it wasn't too long: talk all you want. Currently, what's helping me is to allow myself certain foods at mealtimes that, if I were being "super-strict", I wouldn't normally have (for example, foccacia bread with sun-dried tomato mayo). BUT, I eat a small portion and I don't eat any of my trigger foods (cheetos, sweets, ice cream, bacon, croissants, etc), and I don't keep any trigger foods in the house. The second thing that has helped me is to wean off things (what I call my methadone program). For ex: cheetos are my biggest problem, and I couldn't seem to limit the amount I ate. So I substituted a similar item, like doritos, and ate them for a couple of days, till the bag was gone. This allowed me to not feel deprived and to munch on something tasty that was not likely to set me off on a binge. After the doritos were gone, I substituted fresh, homemade popcorn (so much cheaper and healthier than the microwave kind), but added as much butter and salt as I wished. Now I was still not feeling deprived, and still getting great taste, but it was s-l-o-w-l-y becoming healthier. After a few days of this, I eliminated the butter and salt. The first few bites were really boring, and I almost gave in to the butter and salt, but I stuck with it, and a few minutes later, it tasted fine. Now, for my afternoon snack each day, I make fresh, plain popcorn, and I find that each day I'm eating less of it.
So, this is what I mean by doing things gradually and not being "all-or-nothing" about it (which is my usual way). The 3 main points are:
1. Limit portion size
2. Slowly substitute better foods that still provide a sense of "treating" yourself (otherwise, you'll feel deprived and binge)
3. Eliminate the trigger foods (as good as I'm doing now, if I were to eat cheetos or Ben & Jerry's Fish Food ice cream, I'd go straight off the tracks)
I hope this is helpful and that I don't come off bossy or preachy.
Also, one last thing: consider Overeaters Anonymous; anyone, whether anorexic, bulimic, or simply an overeater (basically anyone who struggles with food) is welcome. It is an amazing relief to be surrounded by loving, positive people who have all experienced the same as you, and who want the best for you.

[missjoy]

I haven't been into this thread before, not sure why since it could probably help me quite a bit... so here it goes.

I've never been a small girl - was always cubby right through high school. In college we had to eat around everyone else so I ended up eating nothing but salads because i was afraid people would judge me if I ate anything bad for me. So, I lost some weight in my first year of college. In my second year I exercised a lot and my constant schedule of drinking, dancing and being too hungover to eat caused me to lose a lot of weight. Then I started panicking when I didn't eat right so I started throwing up. After that for about 6 months I combined restricting food and then snapping and eating junk followed by purging (about once a day). I reached my lowest weight ever... I was a size 6/8 (usually a size 14). Then I started dating a guy I was comfortable with and reduced the exercising and we ate badly together...

Anyway this story is getting long. Now I'm at my highest weight ever, around 215, and I just can't seem to control myself. I can eat well all day and then it is like something in my brain snaps and I have to eat... I'll eat a tonne of total crap and then purge because I'm already overweight and I want to try reduce the effect of the binging. I dont know what to do - it really is like a switch is flipped in my head and I have no control.

So I'm hoping to find some support and just learn from you wonderful ladies. I've never, ever told anyone about this so this is all a little scary

[_octinoxate]

((((((((sassy))))))))
(((((((glass)))))))))
((((((((all the ED/in recovery busties)))))))

sassy, oh god, mothers can be the worst about this shit, can't they?? i'm glad that you seem to be bouncing back from the visit really well though-- not buying into the weight issues your mom was offering to you to take on. getting healthy with your boyfriend. not letting working out rule your life.

[sassygrrl]

Well, going home was not good. My mother picked on me about my weight, and now thinks I have diabetes. I know this is not true. It's this mediation that I'm on for my epilepsy, and that's causing the weight gain. Besides, they're retired. I don't have 5 hours a day to work out!

It just seemed everything I put in my mouth was judged. However, my boyfriend and I are going to try to eat healthier. But right now I'm very depressed. So, it's back to eating junk food. And I'm PMSing.

[knorl05]

glassk: how you feeling now?