[i_am_jan]

3 drums: We hear you. The feelings you describe are very similar to what most of us in this thread have experienced as well (not feeling close, or safe enough to get close, to hardly any people, a good part of the time.) It helps to come here because for one, it feels therapeutic to be heard, by women who you know have similar values/experiences/will understand/ and it's private. Also, we can be totally honest about our insecurities here. The other thing is that, hearing other peoples' accounts of similar experiences helps to articulate our own feelings, which helps when trying to articulate them to other people/counselors/your journal, what's happening and what it feels like. Before I came to this thread, I had lived with these feelings for so long that I never even really had the right words to express how I felt to others. No words to describe how what I felt was hurting me. What I found here helped me start to building a bridge outward (slowly but surely I think).

In regard to sexuality issues, I have not had experience outside the hetero. I can only imagine and dread what you must be going through being bi/lesbian. I wonder if you shared that part with your school counselor, would it make you feel better/more able to open up to her? I don't know?.

I def. hear you when you say the counselor doesn't understand how bad your anxiety is. I have had several experiences where I told someone but, as soon as I told about it, it didn't sound that bad after I got it all said. It didn't sound like the huge, debilitating situation that it is...it almost sounded petty, compared with the feelings I was having about it, and how it was affecting my life.

Just come in and write whenever you feel like it. Remember that Rome wasn't built in a day...it will take time to flesh out exactly what your issues are and find a path that you can grab onto which may lead you outside of yourself a bit. It's good you've made a first step, by reaching out to the counselor (also coming here and putting your cards out on the table.) You seem like a really cool person.

(((everyone)))

[anna k]

Jan, that is so great. It feels so good to talk to people who you thought would think you were shy and nerdy but turned out to have the same interests, then see you in a new light? I had that happen to me in college several years ago, and it felt so good and fantastic to be appreciated.

I had more fun because it was in a more relaxed setting where we sat down and got to know each other better, and I ended up liking some women more. I didn't like standing around in a bar before that was loud and busy, so this was a better environment.

[<3drums]

(((busties)))

i really don't know how to start - in a way, im not sure why im even writing here... but here goes.
too much lurking, not enough actually getting involved with you lovely busties.

i guess i've always felt awkward; i've never really fit in with my extended family, or even my close family to a point. this year family stuff has got a little wierder (but its okay, i realise i'll never live up to my {prick} brothers' expectations) and at school, well yeah, isnt that fun. last year had actually been really good as far as that went (a nice change from the last....forever), this year looked like it was turning out okay, and then i screwed it up.
i was a complete hypocrite and betrayed one of friends who i was just getting close with. and lost another friend who i realise wasnt worth it, but still... and my betrayal of that friend helped to alienate his best mate who i was starting to get close with too. plus, the girl friend who i have been close with for the past few years, well we've drifted too. and i'm not sure how to get her back. i've talked to her, but she doesnt believe that we've drifted. or she wont admit it anyway.

so yeah.

plus i've been to see the school counsellor about my anxiety re: other shit, and that seemed to be helping a bit, but now im not so sure. she doesnt seem to get how much of a problem my anxiety is, so i havent talked to her about any of this, or the fact that im compleeeeetely confused re being bi/lesbian. i think one of my guy friends is crushing on me, but i feel absolutely nothing that way about him, or any of the other guys who have recently been into me. not helped by me crushing on a certain {female} teacher at my school.

it seems too petty, and we've got term break coming up, so i won't see the counsellor for another 3 weeks. plus she kinda pisses me off. and i've never been good at talking about emotions. it was a major struggle to go see her about my anxiety... and i just don't really connect with her.


gah.

lol wow. i think i just shared more with you busties than i have with anyone.
ever. {apologies if this should be in the 'sigh...depression thread' or 'anxiety thread' or 'way too long rant thread' or something. honestly it was about being awkward. but i do so love tangents. and i don't think im depressed. not right now anyway}

[i_am_jan]

nelly: we hear you. and care about you when you tell us that. (((((come here))))))

anna: Let me ask, do you think your practicing is paying off? or are you simply having great chemistry with these people. at any rate, I'm really glad to hear you're having some fun. you deserve it.

hope everyone else is fine...

I've been sorta depressed with things the last several weeks after not having had much contact with any close peeps. But once I got so bad...I started to push myself to make some contacts...people I knew I could maybe have fun with if I just put myself out there...decided to struggle and try. I actually feel better because a couple of those people (one actually) was really, really nice to me and made me feel more comfortable than anyone has in quite some time. And I hung out with him and his friends. He was in a band. His girlfriend was there and stuff, he was just a cool person, I met him and we began talking about guitars and music, he invited me to hang out after the show and I decided to go for it. His friends weren't snobbish or anything and I found myself able to relax with them. I was able to crack a couple of jokes with confidence and come out of my shell a little bit. Then when I was received well for who I am, it felt like they saw a little bit of who I was and accepted/liked? it. It was great to take a chance and have it work out this time. I really needed that this time.

[funk0039]

I am having a hard time connecting with people. I feel that all my relationships are in shambles, but I know this is short-sidedness. But, it is how I feel, like I will end up alone and homeless. Or well to do and misanthropic and I DO NOT WANT EITHER OF THOSE CHOICES. This is black and white thinking, I know. I am having a bit of a bout with depression and I cannot relate to people. I feel awkwardness everywhere I go.

If you want, I'm willing to talk with you. I deal with depression every day, so I understand it very, very well. Honestly, I just want to help, no strings.

[neurotic.nelly]

Very cool, anna k.

[anna k]

I had a really good time tonight. I met again with commenters from Jezebel and we went out to a bar/lounge where we drank, talked for 2 1/2 hours, and listened to 80's pop music like El Debarge and Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam. I really got along with a couple of the girls, giving one of them my number, and felt really happy and comfortable.

[neurotic.nelly]

I am having a hard time connecting with people. I feel that all my relationships are in shambles, but I know this is short-sidedness. But, it is how I feel, like I will end up alone and homeless. Or well to do and misanthropic and I DO NOT WANT EITHER OF THOSE CHOICES. This is black and white thinking, I know. I am having a bit of a bout with depression and I cannot relate to people. I feel awkwardness everywhere I go.

[thenewrussia]

I agree with the shirt. I purchased a top for $5 (did we shop at the same place lol) and when I wear it, I feel good and look nice. I get compliments as well. I'm going to wear that top when my ex comes to town . When men who look like trash, dirt, etc. hit on me, I feel disgusted. Especially when it happens alot. You start to think you only attract the ones who are only looking for someone to take care of them.

I know people who just communicate with their friends on Myspace and Facebook. They hold on to those friends they grew up with even if they live on the other side of the coast. They're afraid to meet new people or just can't handle getting to know people. One friend admitted they have a hard time making the first move to say hello or to get to know someone.

[anna k]

I'm glad you went out, jan, even if the band was lame. It's just good to get out and see new things, y'know?

I've been feeling good this week. I bought a new tank top, and it's a black tank that I bought for $5, yet it makes me feel really sexy and beautiful. When I put it on, I'm surprised at how much I like my body in it, feeling sleek and sexy and feminine. I wore it to the gym, and got instant compliments from the other women in my workout class, being called sexy and beautiful. It feels different because I didn't wear tanks in public because I felt like my breasts were too big or my arms were too soft, but work at the gym has made my arms stronger, and it covers up my breasts so I don't show cleavage. I just felt so beautiful and happy, all because of a simple tank top.

lilac, I don't like it if I get flirting from men who look like overgrown nerds or just creep me out in some way. It doesn't feel flattering or good, just makes me feel empty.

[i_am_jan]

Thanks everyone for the pep talks.

Lilac: Oh dern...I'm not a flirt either. I get so nervous if someone is interested in me. But it sounds like you had a great time and it's great to hear that . Also, I think it's pretty cool you can have fun without alcohol and that you drove.

I actually did go out both Friday and Sat. nights. ... It felt like the weekend to go out!, for some reason Fri. was awesome because the band was great, however I had got there late for this early-starting show and only was able to see this one band. (I'm glad though because I can go see them again now, they were a very exciting mix between Black Sabbath-y metal and punk rock like pre-Rollins Black Flag), I loved it. But then Sat., the band sucked. Sorry to sound like a snoot if I do, but it was these two boys on stage, one on guitar, one on drums, and they just amateurishly "jammed" (*very* anticlimactically), there was no singing nor words, it hurt the ears to listen to them drone on so I could make a break for the door after the third song. But I was still glad I went out. To the club. I'm glad I'm keeping up my connection with some of these places, because I really like going out on my streets and in my clubs here Did anyone else spend a weekend of relative solitude, I wonder?

[lilacwine13]

I hope you went, jan, and had a good time. I've been in a reclusive mood this summer, and it has been a huge effort for me to get out and do anything for the same reasons you stated.

Nelly, good luck trying to talk to him, I'm sure he's just a nice, normal guy who was trying to be friendly. In my experience, that's the case, no matter what scenarios you're playing out in your head.


Friday night I went out with a couple of friends from high school to the local bars. It was fun, I was able to catch up with them and say goodbye to one (she's moving out of state). However, the whole evening seemed a little bit like...the summer after high school. They still keep in touch with the other girl in our group and they still don't really care for her, they got drunk (I volunteered to be the designated driver), we all went to Perkins, and everyone ended up passing out or going home around 4 in the morning. In other words, despite all that's happened in their lives, it didn't feel like anything had changed, that everyone was doing the same stupid shit we were doing when we were 19. I don't know, maybe I'm being too snobbish and last night was an exception. I wish I'd been able to get a hold of them earlier this summer so we could have caught up over coffee, but it didn't happen. We promised to keep in touch, and I hope this happens because they are nice people and I like talking to them.

Also, I was getting a lot of male attention at the bars last night and I felt a little snobby because none--and I mean none--were the type I date, and I kept on getting asked why I didn't go out to the bars before. I didn't want to be rude and say the ones in this area are extremely depressing and I don't care for bars in the first place, so I probably said something like I was a homebody, which is kinda true. I don't handle flirting well, and maybe they were just being friendly in the only way they know how, I sometimes wish I could read situations better.

[neurotic.nelly]

(((i_am_jan)))
if you didn't go, i hope you had an amazing night anyhow, and if you did go, i wish the same.

i think you and lilac have it about the fear, it's like, i am not afraid to talk to him, but i have too many scenarios in my head about who he is or why he spoke to me.

[i_am_jan]

I was supposed to work tonight, but I want to take the opportunity to see a show instead. So, I called into work. Despite being very excited about going, now, I am having all these thoughts of just staying home. But I keep telling myself no, because for one, I could have used the money from work tonight, but I called in to see this show. Secondly, I think it's mainly anxiety of being rejected or seen as a freakazoid, or just feeling funny the whole time. I'm really trying hard to go down there because I think I owe it to myself to go out once more this summer. I have been waiting for this show to come along and I do really enjoy the music when I go...I just haven't been out in a while is all, so I keep having second thoughts.

[i_am_jan]

Yes, it sounds like fear to me as well...I base this on it sounding like very similar things that always happen to me (sort of funny when you think about it?) It's like we anticipate the outcome way, way far in advance of the actual events occurring. It feels like a compulsion to rule anything closer right out immediately...a defense mechanism? Like it's really our FEELINGS about what's going to happen (more than the events themselves) that put us on the run. Is it anxious anticipation of a bad outcome? If so, why do we anticipate that the outcome will be bad? Are we still running away from situations that have happened to us in the past that shaped this defense? Is there any way we can confront these issues and look at what's really there, and try to come to peace with the situation...then move beyond its effect on our mental/social psyche, should we want to branch out more, socially with other humanoids?

Or do I feel, deep down, as though I shall never measure up to WHAT I ANTICIPATE/COMPULISIVELY "FEEL" is going to be this person's reaction to me, should he get to know me further? (And this compulsive, reactionary "jump" doesn't even make sense, now that I think about it?)

[lilacwine13]

Nelly, that sounds a lot like me when I first try to get to know someone, so I can relate to not wanting to talk to them because of fear. It doesn't sound weird to me; we try to avoid things that might harm or stress us out, if that makes any sense.

[neurotic.nelly]

hello again, all social challenged busties, inept busties, loner busties, unusual busties, sensitive busties, autistic busties and the like!

here's a classic example of my social challenges,

there is a guy that works in the same building as me. very punk. very interesting looking, besides, he has female friends in the office he works, a very good sign. he made an effort to say have a nice day to me as he was leaving the elevator with a rather annoying female coworker, he literally cut her off to say goodbye. took me, and her, completely off guard.

well, this is what people do when they maybe want to talk to you a little bit more, maybe. i could be reading way more into it. but, NOW, I do not want to see him again, hahahahhhhahhahahaa! So, weird.

if we start to chat, and he is boring or something, I'll be disappointed. also, what if he tries to hit on me or something, that would suck too. I've seen him about two times since then, and have turned around before he had a chance to see me.

[rubberdollz]

grokthis... I think in the end there isn't enough advice or information someone can give you on going to a concert alone. Some of us might shudder at the thought because you really never know what could happen when you are alone, but honestly that goes for anything that you do... day or night. Some of us might think it's not that big of a deal and just go. If the band is important enough for you to see and you feel that taking a risk in a not so safe venue is a good idea then I say go. Maybe going to one show to give it a try will give you an idea of what you might be in for, but then different bands bring about different people/followings.

When my husband first moved to Michigan he was attending shows by himself but what was nice was the type of music he was listening to he met some really cool people at the shows. You may find that going to a show by yourself will draw in types of people that you want to meet and you may find some new concert-going friends for the next time around.

Or.... it could be the worst experience of your life and you never want to do it again but at least you gave it a try.

Sorry.. the total anti-socialness in me came out. I'm a leary person of things like this and when you really think of an area to be a bad area you could be setting yourself up.

There is a venue out here that I HATE! But of course the bands I want to see go there, but I refuse to go because my life isn't worth seeing any band. When I was younger I would go without a care in the world but now... hell no!

Good luck with the decision that you decide to make. You are going to know what is best for you when the time comes.

[grokthis]

I'm still reading the replies here but I don't always have time to respond promptly. Anyway, thanks for the myriad responses. It's definitely giving me ideas and I'm cooking up a plan.

[neurotic.nelly]

I'm new and also a big, old, socially inept dork (as you can no doubt tell by my goofy intro). Most people think I'm "weird" and steer clear of me, so I don't have much opportunity to socialize which is why I end up doing the majority of my outings alone. Plus, I'm very introverted so I tend to enjoy going it solo most of the time. I've recently been hankering to attend some concerts in my area but the venues I'm looking at are not safe for a solo person. So I was wondering if any other solo fliers have any advice about attending concerts alone in a not so safe venue? I'm at the point where I'm tired of passing up some great shows due to safety concerns, I wanna rock damn it!

Hello grokthis, I'd just drive there by myself, bam!, get out, go to the venue, and rock out, and then jett! And usually, I'd have some weird interactions with random people in the venue, which is nice/strange.
Good Luck! San Francisco, is a very solo friendly city, but only once you've gotten to your destination, otherwise, watch out! they'll cut ya!