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> BustSecret: Ordinary Confessions from Extraordinary Busties
stargazer
post Aug 30 2009, 08:09 PM
Post #1061


brown delicious
***
Posts: 2,938
From: here, there, everywhere


Good to have you on crackbook, RV! Seriously, use the privacy settings posted in this thread by CH and COCL. It works wonders with your friends list. I give Busties all access on FB.


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"I'm not impressed easily. Wow! A blue car!"-Homer Simpson
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treehugger
post Aug 30 2009, 06:15 PM
Post #1062


cryostat bitch
***
Posts: 1,717


rosev, that's the way it is for me...here I say anything but over there I censor myself a bit. Oh, well. I really should take the time to sit down and actually sort my "friends" into groups.


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roseviolet
post Aug 30 2009, 09:51 AM
Post #1063


Pacifism kicks ass!
***
Posts: 3,064


((((((Yuefie))))))))
Look at you! Showing your amazing strength more and more all the time. You're an amazing woman.

Freck, good for you! I mean, about the PP stuff ... not the fantasizing about mrried men thing ... although there's no harm in fantasies! Nothing wrong with enjoying the scenery as long as you don't walk on the grass, ya know? wink.gif


Confession: As many of you know now, I joined Crackbook last night. It seems to be the only way to really find out what's happening in the creative community in my area, so it became a necessary evil. Plus, Sheff joined. Siiiiiigh.

Confession: I am sooooooooooooo glad I can post whatever the hell I want here on Bust! I suspect I will be censoring myself a lot over on FB.
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freckleface7
post Aug 29 2009, 11:24 PM
Post #1064


beachcomber
***
Posts: 1,200
From: societal fringe


confession: the mr & I went to a party tonight & I decided 'what the hell, I'm going to smoke' and suprised everyone outside by lighting up. later on when the smokers went back out for a smoke a woman I'd like to be friends w/ asked me if I was coming & right then I realised how totally much I wanted to smoke another one. I declined, bc I scarily realised how that would the cigarette that addicted me.

confession: sexual thoughts about friends husbands lately, even ones in a million trillion years I've never thought of that way!

confession: saying way too much sometimes.


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I'm gonna let it shine
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pollystyrene
post Aug 28 2009, 10:32 PM
Post #1065


Too many mutha uckas, Uckin' with my shi-
***
Posts: 4,631
From: Chicago


Yuefie, I'm so proud of you too, that you're dealing with this head-on. <3


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You went to school where you were taught to fear and to obey, be cheerful, fit in, or someone might think you're weird.
Life can be perfect. People can be trusted. Someday, I will fall in love; a nice quiet home of my very own.
Free from all the pain. Happy and having fun all the time.
It never happened, did it?
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freckleface7
post Aug 28 2009, 10:03 PM
Post #1066


beachcomber
***
Posts: 1,200
From: societal fringe


I know this isn't Quite a confession, but cooincidentally while I was out tonight I came across a booth for Planned Parenthood & learned my city Finally has one & I had a totally exciting & positive conversation w/ one of the women & she's going to call me!
it's just to volunteer w/ them but it's something I've wanted to do forever bc I feel the work they do is of utmost importance. Confession w/ in: I feel in my gut I am meant to do some good with this program.

Yuefie : so Proud of you.
strong woman. strong heart.
(((((((Yuefie))))))))


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I'm gonna let it shine
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candycane_girl
post Aug 28 2009, 07:41 PM
Post #1067


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 2,336
From: Canada


(((((yuefie))))) there are times when only you know what's right for yourself. I think that most of us knows, in some way, what we can handle and what we can't. Good for you on just going ahead and doing it but also on not dwelling on it.
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yuefie
post Aug 28 2009, 07:17 PM
Post #1068


Lip Balm Aficionado
***
Posts: 1,232
From: East of Sunny San Diego


I must confess that today I, against the urging of both R and my sis, drove by the place it happened. I just wanted to see if the building layout was the same as I was remembering because it was so long ago. Not only was the building the same, it was still the same exact place (a motel) with the same exact sign I remembered. I remembered it was near San Diego State University and I had other business in the area already, so... I drove on by. I resisted the urge to stop and to dwell on it. And you know what? It didn't fuck me up like everyone insisted it would. It was almost a sense of relief, really and truly knowing that I remembered it right.

Thanks again, guys. Y'all rock. wub.gif


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~I'm so tired of being tired
As sure as night will follow day
Most things I worry about
Never happen anyway~
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treehugger
post Aug 28 2009, 06:48 PM
Post #1069


cryostat bitch
***
Posts: 1,717


Yuefie,

wow. Just, wow. That must have been terrifying for you as a child and then to have people try to mold /change what you Know you saw! Wow. I hope you can come to some sort of peace about this. ((((Yuefie))))


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missladyj
post Aug 28 2009, 06:42 PM
Post #1070


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 1,103
From: chi town


((((Yufie)))))
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roseviolet
post Aug 28 2009, 11:26 AM
Post #1071


Pacifism kicks ass!
***
Posts: 3,064


(((((((((((Yeufie))))))))))))))) I'm so glad you talked to R about this. He sounds like a really wonderful human being & I know he'll stand by you and help you through this. Therapy can be painful, but I found that it's worth the effort. Your life will be richer because you took this step.
((((((((more snuggles for Yeufie)))))))))))))))



Confession: Remember my 15 year old cousin who visited us earlier this month? Like many girls her age, she's gotten sucked into the numerous vampire book series (Serieses? Seri? What is the plural of "series"?) that are out there. So in the interest of staying close to her across the miles, I read the Twilight series. I bought the 1st book while she was here & I finished the 4th book this morning. You know how some people feel embarrassed when they buy condoms? That's how I felt every time I had to buy one of these books.

Confession Part 2: I thought the series was kinda meh. A part of me wishes I liked the story more because now I feel totally out of the loop.
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freckleface7
post Aug 28 2009, 10:43 AM
Post #1072


beachcomber
***
Posts: 1,200
From: societal fringe


(((((((yuefie))))))))))) am so glad you're going to see a therapist & that you spoke to your aunt.
collaboration of things remembered is a powerful tool. oxox ~

doodle: more proof you did the right thing w/ anarchist eh?
(((((((doodle & your childhood too ))))))



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culturehandy
post Aug 28 2009, 07:17 AM
Post #1073


(o)(o)
***
Posts: 11,350
From: Oh boobs


Yuefie, it sounds like you are taking the right steps. It can be very scary to deal with things, as we all know. But you are doing the right thing, I have no doubt that you will come out stronger because of all of this.


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Hatred does not cease in this world by hating, but by not hating; this is an eternal truth. --- Buddah, The Dhammapada
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yuefie
post Aug 27 2009, 11:06 PM
Post #1074


Lip Balm Aficionado
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Posts: 1,232
From: East of Sunny San Diego


I just wanted to say thank you again to everybody who posted and who PM'd me here and on FB. I made an appointment to talk with my doctor and to get a referral to a therapist. I also talked with my Aunt and got confirmation on certain details I was remembering. She was stunned at my memory of the specifics and we cried a lot. I felt a lot better though once I knew it was real for certain. A wise BUSTie told me that this only surfaced because my psyche is strong enough to handle it now, and I think she's right. Maybe now I can begin to understand myself and my own struggles in life a little better.

Thanks for listening and for the support. wub.gif

Oh, and I did talk to R and he is so wonderfully supportive.

confession: I hope that in therapy I can begin to learn why deep down there is a part of me that still, no matter now much R shows me that he is nothing like the losers I wasted my time on in the past, sort of expect him to one day grow tired of me and switch in to asshole mode. It's so unfair. I am aware and try not to punish him for these fleeting thoughts. He knows and tries not to take it personally. But damn, it makes me feel like shit. I trust him like I've never trusted anyone, yet I still get that momentary lapse of panic.

another confession: I have an entire list of people who I am "friends" with on Facebook blocked from seeing my status updates and links I post. Mainly people I am friends with out of some familial obligation. I wish I would just grow a pair (like I've said to others) and give 'em the boot, but the truth is that I don't think I will just yet.


--------------------
~I'm so tired of being tired
As sure as night will follow day
Most things I worry about
Never happen anyway~
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doodlebug
post Aug 27 2009, 01:07 PM
Post #1075


I know it's only rock 'n' roll. But I like it.
***
Posts: 7,808
From: a riverbank in BC, Canada


(((((yuefie)))))

Don't feel so bad, please. My brother somehow didn't remember that our father beat the crap out of our mother until he was in his late 30s/early 40s.....he said to my mom, "I don't know how Auntie So-and-So always ends up with guys who hit her - not like you, Mom." She was nonplussed, and told him exactly what had happened, and then phoned me to ask, "How could this be?"

But the truth is, I think I blocked a lot of it until I was about 12, when I was snooping through my mom's strong box and found the divorce papers, which cited "physical and mental cruelty" as the grounds. I was really angry, thought she was making it up, or exaggerating. But as I processed it and got a little older, I came to remember, or at least recognize what had happened as abuse. I didn't really understand what abuse was - it was just something "normal" in my life, and yet traumatic enough to avoid thinking about. Until I understood what abuse was, what I mainly remembered was my parents "fighting," and what I experienced at the time of their divorce was relief that they were no longer together, "fighting." By the time I was 18, the Color Purple came out on film; I saw it with my mom and came out of the theatre in tears, re-processing my entire childhood. I was 24 or 25 before I had pieced it all together and confronted my dad with it.

(((((((more hugs for yuefie)))))))

My confession:

Last night, I saw the Anarchist at a jam. I asked him if he was still "double-shifting" at work. When he said yes, I looked him straight in the eye and asked, "What are you taking to stay awake?" He gave a startled, nervous laugh, looked away, and swallowed hard. By the time he looked back at me (this all happened in a couple of seconds), he had composed his features, and said, "Nothing," and then got excited about his morning fresh fruit regimen.

You know what? I'm naive and trusting and a big believer in positivity. But I'm not fucking stupid.


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Check out my band's new demo online! You can DL my original....and please fan up if ya like it!
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deschatsrouge
post Aug 27 2009, 12:27 PM
Post #1076


A symphony of atrocities.
***
Posts: 1,437
From: The Sage Brush Steppes


((((Yufie))))


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"Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." -Exodus 22:18
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candycane_girl
post Aug 27 2009, 10:12 AM
Post #1077


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 2,336
From: Canada


(((((((((yuefie)))))))))))

I'm so sorry, I don't even know what to say. Do you have a therapist to help you work through all this? I know it's not always a popular choice but I really believe that sometimes it's best to talk to someone with an outside perspective (someone who doesn't know you or your family).

Maybe your mother convinced herself that you were asleep throughout the whole ordeal so that she wouldn't have to deal with the horror of you knowing what really happened.

You'll get through this.
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sevenseconds
post Aug 27 2009, 09:21 AM
Post #1078


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 178
From: The Present (trying so hard to stay there)


(((((((((dearest yeufie)))))))))))))

You are not a horrible person, not ungrateful or selfish or unreasonable or anything you might blame yourself for. It's totally cool to be angry about this - you have seen and buried something that has scarred you deeply, and god knows how many of the reactions and attitudes you have towards life and men and yourself and women's worth in general have been influenced and even driven by this experience... all the more so BECAUSE you didn't consciously remember it.
Unacknowledged motivation is almost compulsive, hence the whole *25th frame* thing. What we don't know we want or are running from is the real dictator. So give yourself all the time and all the room and all the cry you need and let this take you where it needs to, almost like a bad trip, don't resist it but let it wash over/ through you (BUT provide for yourself the best support you can get, like someone who will standby to pick the phone and talk to you if you want to be alone... or R if he's down with not asking more than you'd willingly share). Follow this rabbit of horror to its dark little den... It's not that scary when you know where it lives. My opinion. And I and all these great women hold a sweetness and a warm comforting vibe for you.
You are okay, baby girl.

7s


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Every story is a cup so empty it can be drunk from again and again. - MJH
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ketto
post Aug 27 2009, 08:44 AM
Post #1079


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 695
From: Winter Land


(((yeufie)))

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this stuff so suddenly. Kids have an amazing resiliency and one of the ways they maintain that is to forget traumatic events, even as they're happening. The only problem is that when people finally remember the event, it can be an incredible shock. I'm not a childhood survivor but my younger brother was sexually abused when he was 6 or 7 and only recently remembered and is working hard to deal with everything that comes with those memories.

Don't apologize for posting in here. You've got lots of support here.


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yuefie
post Aug 27 2009, 08:19 AM
Post #1080


Lip Balm Aficionado
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Posts: 1,232
From: East of Sunny San Diego


I feel like a horrible person because I am hurt and confused and even angry at her for never telling me exactly what she knew I'd witnessed or that my Aunt G knew too, even though she was the one that had to suffer the brutality. What is wrong with me?

She brought it up to me once when I was about 18. She said that she was raped when I was about 6. She said she was taken in to a car by someone she'd dated, was beaten, raped and dumped back off. She said I was asleep upstairs the entire time and that when I saw her after she had the black eyes and bruises covered as best she could. She asked if I remembered being afraid, hiding from someone at a motel and him knocking on the door waking us up. I told her that I did vaguely remember something like that but then she got angry and told me that I couldn't remember much because I was asleep. She told me that nobody else knew and to never discuss it with anyone or bring it up again. She said it was her own fault because she knew someone like this person in the first place.

I feel like a terrible and selfish daughter for being pissed at her, even for a moment. She probably blocked out that I saw what I did because it was too much for her to bear. And I am so deeply sad that I will never be able to tell her that it was NOT her fault she was raped and that I witnessed some of the attack, all because she died too young.

I am so fucking pissed, I could spit nails.

I wish I could cry until I pass out.


--------------------
~I'm so tired of being tired
As sure as night will follow day
Most things I worry about
Never happen anyway~
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