[Persiflager]

((((pugs))))

That sucks major balls. Have you made any plans to get out of the house on saturday?

[LoveMyPugs]

I, too, was thinking about Pugs this weekend. I'm afraid that Sunday may've been the day when she & Mr. P were supposed to have their wedding

It was actually supposed to be this Saturday, February 28th.

As of right now, my situation hasn't changed. I can't find a place to stay. Mr. Pugs and I are still playing house.

[baroque]

deleted!

[candycane_girl]

Just to let you all know, Pugs replied to one of my posts in the Bloody Grrrls thread yesterday. As for how she's actually doing, I don't know.

[sybarite]

Baroque, your last post sounds so strong and positive, which is awesome. Keep on taking care of yourself and let that intrepid feeling grow. I found work a solace actually and am glad you do too (((you)))

GT, totally (totes even ) with you on how insidious the crazy card can be. I have heard it used, unwarranted, to dismiss women too many times. Same ballpark as calling women hysterical in the 19th century if you ask me.

(((RV))) for your comments as much as for the metaphor... and back atcha too.

[roseviolet]

I, too, was thinking about Pugs this weekend. I'm afraid that Sunday may've been the day when she & Mr. P were supposed to have their wedding, so it could have been an especially tough time for her. LMP, wherever you are, we love you!
((((((((Pugs)))))))))))

(((((((Baroque)))))))
Stay strong!

Thanks for the sweet compliments, everybody. I don't know about you, but sometimes silly things like the monkey house metaphor help me a lot when I'm going through a tough time.

[culturehandy]

I'd also like to know where things with Pugs are at, how are you feeling dearie??

Baroque, how are you finding things today??

RV, I've never thought of things in terms of a monkey house metaphor, but damn if I don't love it. What a good metaphor!!!!

[kittenb]

baroque - congrats on the time you have been able to fight the temptation. Any progress is progress.
Keep up the fight you intrepid explorer! Please keep us posted.

By the way, thank you for the offer but I cannot knit and I have given up on crocheting a sweater. I will stick with crocheting socks, toys, small blankets and scarves. No blocking needed and guage isn't as important.

[girltrouble]

where is my pugs?
i miss you sassypants

i'm so happy for you baroque. we're pullin' for you, chickie!

I know that deep down there is a voice inside of you that is crying out, begging you to leave. This is a good voice. A voice that is speaking out of pure love for you. This is the voice that doesn't want you to walk on eggshells anymore. This is the voice that misses your laughter. This is the voice that wants to feel you walking tall. Listen to that voice. It's always with you.

this almost made me cry, damn you, rosey.

[starship]

(((baroque)))

god, i <3 busties

[Persiflager]

Wooo! Go baroque! That is really, really good. You are totally an intrepid explorer, and he is a scummy swamp-person on the road behind you shouting "Hey! Don't go over there to that cool stuff! Come over here so that I can drag you down into my rancid swamp!"

I also meant to post earlier to say how impressed I am that you've managed to stay professional and not let this crap affect your work.

[Ohh girltrouble, I'm with you on the 'crazy' ex-girlfriend. That's always been a major red flag to me, and sadly I've always been right. I have known boys with genuinely crazy exes, but they didn't refer to them that way.]

[baroque]

deleted!

[girltrouble]

*sigh* rosey, i lurve you.


as an aside, and slightly OT, can i say in instantly lose trust in any guy who calls his ex gf "crazy" in a bad way. rarely (like .02%) are they really crazy, usually it's the guy driving them nuts. and it's totally self serving-- they use it to absolve themselves from their part in a fucked up history....
if there are fire arms involved, and she brought 'em to the party, then you can say she's crazy. otherwise, stfu.

that is a BIG TIME PET PEEVE of mine.

/rant

[roseviolet]

Wow, the fabulous advice & support just keeps flowing in here.

((((((((((((Baroque))))))))))))))))))))

Do you watch Project Runway? Because I was just reminded of something I heard Tim Gunn say on that show last year.

I'm guessing you've been to the zoo before. So you've probably walked into that one building where they keep the monkeys. And the first thing that hits you when you walk in is the STENCH. It's terrible! It smells soooooo bad! You feel tempted to leave, but you stay. The longer you stay in the monkey house, the less you notice the smell until eventually you don't notice it at all anymore.

And I think that's part of the problem. You've been in the monkey house too long. You don't usually remember that a better world is just waiting out there for you - a place where you can breathe easier than you imagined possible. It's all waiting for you. You just have to take those steps. You need to walk out & fill your lungs with the sweet fresh air of freedom. And then you must make sure you DON'T turn around & go back into that monkey house!!!

I know that deep down there is a voice inside of you that is crying out, begging you to leave. This is a good voice. A voice that is speaking out of pure love for you. This is the voice that doesn't want you to walk on eggshells anymore. This is the voice that misses your laughter. This is the voice that wants to feel you walking tall. Listen to that voice. It's always with you.

And stay out of the monkey house! Tell yourself that every time you're tempted to communicate with him. STAY OUT OF THE MONKEY HOUSE!!!!


To the amazing people in here giving such priceless advice: I can tell from what you've all said that you've learned this the hard way. You've lived through very similar situations & have felt this pain first-hand. I just wanted to acknowledge you - all of you who've also been there before, who finally allowed your inner voice to come through & say "No more", who started on the path to a happier healthier life. You are all amazing & I'm honored to be in your company.

[baroque]

deleted!

[baroque]

deleted!

[culturehandy]

Baroque, I don't think you are giving yourself enough credit, you are talking to him because of the lonliness, talking to him is instant gratification, because he is appearing to make you feel better, you are happy, but then you come down from it, and you feel worse.

Getting over this is like getting off of a drug, you are addicted to him, you are addicted to the attention he gives you. But, like any drug, it makes you feel worse after.

Why are you talking to him. I want you to post in here, why it is you are contacting him. Why would you do anything he says? Why are you allowing him to treat you like shit? WHY. You NEED to answer these questions. This is not LOVE. He is using you, treating you like anything. Like GT said previously, he put a time limit on his love, he told you he fucked his ex. Aren't you worth more than this?

And if his family doesn't want him to talk to you, they are doing you a favour!

You have to block him, if he wants his stuff back, he can contact one of your friends. By begging him to get back with you, you are giving him the power. You are playing into his games.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling this way? I can guarentee you, that if you can back with him, that's when people will walk away. Do you think he is worth loosing everything for?

[zoya]

baroque -

agreed with persiflager, and especially girltrouble.

Again, you sound like I did when I broke up with my ex - so I know EXACTLY where you're at.

like girltrouble says - YOU have a certain type of addiction - TO HIM.

Addicts will do anything - ANYTHING - to keep from having to take responsibility for themselves and their addiction, and it's ALWAYS going to be your fault if you're with him.

you can't post enough here. keep posting. don't feel ashamed. I've been through it - I hit a HARD HARD bottom, and I'd been in it nearly 6 years with my ex. I beg of you, get the fuck out. I know exactly where you're headed if you keep this up and it's not good.

We'll be here, no matter what you do. Even if you feel ashamed. I promise. But again, I beg you please - DON"T GO BACK TO HIM. Take your power back.

and please please please, I beg you - call a help line, find an Al-anon meeting. something that you can do NOW. trust me, the people at those meetings have been through way more shit than you can imagine. And people on help lines are trained to listen at any time, about anything. There is NO shame in taking care of yourself and taking one of these actions. You don't have to go through this alone, and if you're afraid to talk to any of your friends right now - there are people you can talk to, RIGHT NOW.

and on the friends tip, I'm willing to bet that your friends would be there to help you with what you ask them to - ask them to keep you away from him. ask them if you can stay over a night or two. ask them to check in on you. It's only our own fear and shame that keeps us from reaching out to people that probably really care and would want to help us. - that's part of OUR addiction as someone who is involved with an addict. not wanting to get our own type of help to get out of this hell, because we're trapped by our own fear and shame of what we've done. but I'm here to tell you that there is NOTHING to be ashamed of. I'm ten times a stronger person for having gone through the hell of breaking up with my ex and getting back on my feet - but I had to start somewhere. It took me 2 years to get the nerve to break up with him. PLEASE don't let it take that long. I know you're afraid, but walk through it. It will get easier, but you have to start somewhere.

and again, please don't try to white knuckle it on your own. Do something to keep yourself busy and connected with people who are healthy and NOT in his circle.

(((baroque)))

[Persiflager]

Baroque, don't beat yourself up about this - think about all the great progress that you made by yourself even before you came to this forum. You threw him out, which must have been horribly hard, and you recognised that you needed support and sought it out. These are good, strong steps that you took because you knew that you needed to get him out of your life.

You're struggling to finally get rid of him now because there's something he's giving you that you're not getting elsewhere. I don't know what that is, and don't know you well enough to speculate. You might want to explore this with a therapist in a little while, but that's not the point right now.

The point is that whatever you're getting from him is not worth all this pain and damage.

If you can't bring yourself to ignore him, you have to block channels of communication before he has a chance to contact you. Don't log in to IM, turn your phone to voicemail, delete his texts, don't check your emails. Turn your phone off or take it off the hook in the evening. Do this now while you remember. Send one clear and quick email saying 'please don't contact me' but not discussing anything else, especially your feelings - every time you do, you give him a way in. Then block him using every method we've said. Keep yourself busy with other people so you can't get to the computer or answer your phone - heck, go sit in the cinema by yourselfif you have to!

girltrouble is right - we'll be here either way, but you can save yourself so much pain by making the choice now. Once you've been free of him for a few days you'll start to think more clearly, and then be able to start picking up the pieces.

If you stay in contact you will not be able to fix this. You will have no control, no power and he will continue to hurt you. Do not kid yourself.

[girltrouble]

we'd never disown you. we get that it's your call, and no matter what our advise, at the end of the day, it's your say that wins the day. i wonder are we wasting our breath tho? the most consistant advise is not to talk to him, but you do. from the sound of it, you talk to him a lot.

understand, there is a reason that we all think it's a bad idea to talk to him-- he knows your buttons and he's playing you like an x-box. there are busties who would give you sugar with your medicine, i'd rather not. your anger, your shame, your clarity that he sees you as a sucker, these things will keep you on the right path and keep your head clear. look at your actions again. read that last post of yours out loud. what does it sound like?

an addict. you seriously NEED to admit you have a PROBLEM.

you know he:
uses you.
manipulates you.
talks about you behind your back.
blames you for his issues
is abusive
is irresponsible
hurts you
and from the miscarriage situation, it's obvious he doesn't really care about you.

but you won't stop till you've hit bottom. you'd rather have an abusive, asshole boyfriend, who treats you like shit, than to do what you need to, what you know is right-- turn your back on him and never look back. you have this idea somewhere that he's what you deserve, or he's the best you can do, or some other bullshit he's fed you. i'll be honest, i don't know you, but you don't deserve this. no one does.

i know it hurts you to think about, to look at it straight in the eye, but think about the purpose of pain-- it's to warn you. so take your hand off the burner. take control of the situation. you talk about him breaking up with you-- you've just given away your power by waiting for him. then you say, "if he doesn't then..." power given away again. you're looking for excuses to talk to him. you are. you're looking for any excuse to be with him no matter the loss to your dignity. is it worth it? when you go to bed at night, do you really think this will end in anything but more pain the longer you continue? do you want out of this or are you biding time?

i'm asking the hard questions because they need to be asked.

if, and this really is a choice you need to make, if you really want to be free, you can be, and it's simple: email him, tell him not to contact you, and stick to it. don't even read his IMs, Emails, do everything you can to make it impossible for him to contact you. you need to take this power back. you need to actively work. give him an inch he will take a mile. so plan on sticking to this now, a year from now, 5 years from now....

...or you can keep talking to him, and it'll get more shitty and in a year or 3 you'll be 5 times more miserable and really hit bottom. if you think it's bad now, just wait.

like i said, it's your call.