[TheBeesKnees]

Oh my crap...don't pay attention to me...I'm TBK...dur...

I'm not used to that yet [the whole acronym thing]. That, and I usually post under some variation of my name [Susie]...

I looked it up on urbandictionary.com and baffled myself. Some of the results were pretty funny though

*smacks head repeatedly*

[TheBeesKnees]

(((auralpoison)))

(I don't know what TBK is! Ummm...I'll google it!)

Your post made me cry. My friend lent me this book called Healing Foods, and I so naively thought we had a shot at this. I was so anxious for him to come home, so I could make him stuff to eat, but he didn't have much of an appetite. It made me so happy though when he'd eat ice cream with me or drink the veggies I juiced. I would've done that forever if I could have.

And I don't think that's morbid! Or maybe I'm a little morbid too. I'm keeping my eye out for a little container I can wear around my neck to keep some of his ashes in. I think that would probably flip some people out, but I just think it would be nice. For now, I sometimes have conversations with his urn. It helps, so I keep doing it. I've been trying to journal, but I've never been much for writing. Walking helps [but not when it's a hundred degrees out! Yuck!]

And I'm definitely going to look into tracking his print down through his military records. My only complaint with the birth records would be that the brochure said that baby prints are too smooth or whatever, so they generally shrink it down and use the handprint. So I shall persevere!

[auralpoison]

Oh, honey! (((((TBK)))))

I didn't have the 'ship with my mom that you had with your dad, but the last three weeks I spent with her were the only few where we didn't fight for *years*. I made her baby tea, I bathed her/washed her hair, I massaged her swollen limbs, I made her nutritious food that I knew she'd eat all of & enjoy. We didn't talk a lot, but we got along better than we had in a long time.

I'm sure that there is a thumbprint out there for you somewhere, TBK. Birth, military, employment records, etc. should get you something. I actually looked into LifeGem until I realized how crazy expensive it was. There was something romantic about mixing my parents' carbon together to make a pendant or some such. Instead I have my father's wedding ring & a plate from my mother's arm on my keyring so they are close at all times. Morbid, I know, but oddly comforting.

The death OCD. The day before the service, I went through hundreds of pictures of my family/mother trying to find good ones to display. The one I liked the most was of my mother, grandparents & her brother who died in infancy. First I noted that everybody in the picture was dead & then started on the math of the ages, years, etc. Oddly, my end number was forty-two, which we all know is the meaning of life.

Anyway, you're probably gonna be keeping track of those numbers for awhile. I still do & it's been a year & a half.

[TheBeesKnees]

I'm not saying there's a "best" way to die, but I do feel lucky that I got to be with him every day when he was sick, that I got to hold his hand while he slept and tell him I loved him 20 times a day. I wish I would have had texts saved from before he got sick. I have a good ten or so from when he was sick though, and they make me happy.

I was disappointed today to find out that the funeral home didn't take his thumbprints, especially after we talked to the guy about it at length [for a thumbie, which is a pendant with someone's thumbprint on it - some of you are probably familiar with these]. I'm going to try to find an alternate source for his thumbprint.

Something that I've noticed I do, and maybe it's my OCD at work, but I consciously and unconsciously count the days since his death. Has anyone ever caught themselves doing that? I keep thinking of it like someone in prison keeping track, or someone lost on an island. I guess that's how it feels. Even though I know it's not, it still feels like a punishment.

Thanks for the Bustie hugs

[auralpoison]

(((((thebeesknees))))) My condolences. The loss of a parent, especially so quickly (No time is ever enough.), can be so traumatic. Vent away, hon.

[stargazer]

(((thebeesknees))) I'm sorry to hear about your loss. Feel free to vent here as needed, coherent or incoherent.

[TheBeesKnees]

Thank you culture

I actually [finally] registered an account here because of this thread and now I have stage fright. Eek.

My reasoning for this is: I have a lot on my mind, and this is a women-friendly forum, that I'm pretty sure I can feel comfortable in. So here's the thing...

My dad started to get sick in early February; he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer, which had spread to the lymph nodes and liver by mid-February. He died the day after my 29th birthday, on March 17th. He was 56 years old. There's a lot in the middle of that obviously, and so much before, but it's hard enough to just say this. I miss him literally every minute of every day. He, my sister and I were very close, we were best friends really, and I miss talking to him every day, and him texting me every morning to say good morning, stuff like that. I miss his laugh and how funny he was and how much he loved me.

I have so many thoughts but not much in the way of coherency right now.

[culturehandy]

bumped for thebeesknees.

[kari]

((ketto)) I am really sorry for you, your uncle, and your family.

[ketto]

I've been absent for the last little while because my uncle is really sick. He's been a heroin addict for probably about half his life. I didn't know this until I was 19, he was always just my uncle. He has two kids who are about my age but they lived with their mom and my uncle lived with my nana. Now he's 63 and has been clean for about 10 years but not healthy for any length of time. When he quit heroin the last time it was because of Hep C. For the past 10 years he's been on methadone. He was cleared of the Hep C, but then last year it was discovered he had anal cancer. He went through radiation and it looked like all was well but around Christmas he started getting sicker and sicker. He also had bad osteoperosis and recently got a slipped disc in his back. He had a blood clot in his leg about a month ago. He's was getting very confused and just sicker and sicker in the last 3 months and about 3 weeks we finally managed to get him to admit himself to the hospital.

We all knew the outlook wasn't good from the start but on Friday he was put in palliative care because the cancer had spread to his bones, liver, and his body is just too toxic to treat. Essentially his body is just failing him. I hadn't been to visit him yet and today I went up. It was awful. He looked so thin and was asleep when we got there. After a while his hands started twitching and then he woke up and looked confused and started crying out and grabbing at his iv and catheter trying to rip them out. My 91 year old nana and my mom and her sister and I were trying to hold him down and he just kept crying. I told my nana to sit down and then she started crying and said she never thought she'd have to see her son in so much pain and I just hugged her. I hate that she has to watch her first born son die. Then he started trying to climb out of bed and two orderlies had to come and help hold him down and my nana just stroked his head and kept saying the pain would stop soon. It was really awful.

The nurses finally gave him more pain meds to calm him down and they cleaned him up because he was just drenched in sweat. When we came back in he was totally doped up and out of it. They said that this is probably how he'll stay from now on because when he's lucid the pain is too much. My moms youngest brother is flying in tomorrow and they think it will only be a few days.

Up until today I was fairly detached from it. I've never been close with my uncle but he's always been a good man, a good loving father, and I have a lot of happy memories of him when he was healthy and young. But seeing someone go through so much pain...It's like a horrible torture. And the pain for all my family around me. I never imagined I would see someone go through this.

One thing I will say, those nurses are amazing. I don't know how I could work in a place like that but as soon as we walked in she gave us a full update and was very friendly and chatty and remembered everyone's names. It's really comforting knowing someone like that is with him.

[bunnyb]

sick fuck .

[auralpoison]

Belated thanks, guys.

<3drums, I am so sorry for your loss. The relationships we have with our companion animals is so special & unusual.

((((((((((<3drums))))))))))

[deschatsrouge]

((((<3drums))))

Sometimes it's the pets in the family you end up loving the most.

[<3drums]

(((((ap)))))




i'm hurting more over my dog, who has been my best friend and been around for the majority of my life, than i have over anyone else so far i think.

my life will be a bit more empty now the yard is.

[crinoline]

(((((AP)))))

[culturehandy]

((((((((((AP)))))))))) I'm so sorry sweetie.

[LoveMyPugs]

(((((ap)))))

*hugs*

[neurotic.nelly]

((((AP))))

[pherber]

((((((((AP))))))))

So sorry to hear that.
I agree with polly, she sounds like an awesome lady.
Maybe that's not much comfort right now, but her spirit of being tough as nails, having a great sense of humour and her regalitity is still alive, since she passed that all on to you.





PS: Thanks, yuefie!!

[konphusion26]

((((AP)))) my condolences.