[DeeRayy]

to buttercups and karategrrl, thank you very much! i just read your responses and they were very appreciated.

I know accepting myself won't be easy but i'm definitely going to keep trying. Honestly, the best technique for me is simply focusing on other things, whether it be school, family, friends, or hobbies.

I also have another question for you all (yes, i'm chock full of questions).

I have a bit of a toxic friendship going on right now with one of my oldest and closest friends.

He goes to a big shot fashion school in los angeles, but we are both commuter students this year and keep each other company. to state the problem in it's simplest form, he is both VERY shallow (i can thank the atmosphere at his school for making that worse) and very insecure at the same time, which causes him to be judgmental and make snide remarks all the time. this is literally a recent quote from him [a little compacted, but this is the main idea]-
"i don't have ugly friends because ugly people usually lead such boring lives and are always stuck at home. But pretty people have actually gone out and done stuff and met people."

he's changing so much (in my opinion, for the worse) and i care about him but i honestly cringe sometimes when my phone rings and i see his name on my caller id. it's not that i don't enjoy talking to him, because i do and we have loads of fun together because we are both very playful, and we've been through a lot together so i'm hesitant to throw the friendship away so quickly.

He knows very well that my body, especially my breasts, are a big issue for me and yet he still goes around commenting on women's bodies and it makes me frustrated and uncomfortable. He'll go on and on about how some of his friends from school are very busty and attractive, and idk if he does this on purpose to make me feel bad or if that's just the way he is. I feel like he doesn't like seeing me feel good about myself, or that he sees himself as better than me and belittles most of the things i do. he doesn't do my self-esteem and body image issues any good, and i just feel like he's not someone i should be associating myself with if i want to improve the way i feel about myself.

so, would you say that i should try to work through this or slowly cut off contact?

[KeraBear]

Fuck, that was long. Sorry.

Well ... considering how supportive and meaningful your words are, I think we can issue you a pass. I, for one, appreciate your novels!

[karategrrl]

Fuck, that was long. Sorry.

[karategrrl]

buttercups, what a thoughtful and insightful response. I'm moved by your reaching out to DeeRayy. Okay, let me shut up before I reach for the fucking Kleenex....I can get so emotional! Everything moves me!

Buttercups, it's wonderful how you spoke up and told your BF you weren't ready. Empowering! Yes, the power of our voices.

DeeRayy, as one of the <ahem> "cougars" here, I'll respond to your question.

-Have you always had such a healthy attitude towards your body?
NO! I was always TERRIBLY insecure and self-conscious. It wasn't until I took a dance class in college (gym requirment) that I began to gain just a tad of confidence. It was like I was afriad of anyone even looking at me, or of holding a physical place in space, if that makes any sense. I think sports, etc. at a younger age would have helped me a lot but I didn't not have parents who supported sports. I might have pursued gymnastics but in my shcool you had to wear a leotard with bare legs to be in the gymnastics club and there was no way in holy hell I could do that. Even in grammar school they had a dance club but I was horrified at the thought of wearing anything clingy. Nope, no way. Looking back, it was tragic I missed out on that experience just because I was so horrified about my body.


-If not, what helped you change the way you look at yourself?
Hmmm...sorry to be so generic, but for me I have to say it's just been an exponential building of life experiences. Most influential:

-Getting involved with the martial arts and training for over a decade in many styles; I developed an appreciation for my inner/outer strength, fighting spirit, and sense of my body as a marvelous machine that I am so blessed to live in. Part of that was also learning to yell, have a voice, and speak my mind--still a challenge for me at times and a tool I have to remind myself to utilize.

-Finding trance dance--not dance as a perfomrance but as a spiritual practice (Read anything by Gabrielle Roth and/or ask me more if interested in this topic).

-Eventually teaching some martial arts and yoga/dance fusion classes/workshops and doing modeling work, as all were vehicles that forced me to get up in front of peopel and fake confidence. I found I could actually be confident in small doses, and then it grew.

-Having young girls and their brothers as my martial arts students; being a guide, "big sister," and confidante and trying hard to instill in the girls a sense of confidence and, for the boys, just be a presence as a strong female leader. Many boys don't see that often enough.

-Having relationships with a few men who appreciated my body and, even more, having some sexual experiences with WOMEN who truly appreciated it and gave me some of the best compliments I've ever gotten. There is a certain power in being intimate with another understanding woman. I consider myself more on the hetero end of the spectrum, but I'll never forget the feeling of total acceptance, feeling lusted after and, yeah, girl power of those encounters.

-Growing older, maturing and achiveing some level of happiness and success in other areas of life, like work. I'm a writer, and people have told me they've cried after reading stuff I've written. I've had things published nationally. At those moments I don't give a flying fuck about my breast size. (But as you cAN see, I type with lots of typos!!! Spell Check saves me in my job. Here, I exercise my power to Not Give a Fuck when at all other times my spelling and grammar msut be perfect.)

-Knowing a few people with REAL body issues, who are a constant reminder of just how lucky I am. One of my best, lifelong friends has MD and lives life from a motorized wheelchair and needs caretakers to bathe, dress, use the bathroom. Yet he works, travels, lobbies for the rights of the disabled. So I have small breasts. Um, I can also WALK. Puts things in perpective.

-Being spiritual and cultivating a relationship with God and myself; meditating; surrounding myself with supportive people; respecting fmaily and maintaining ties while doing your best not to let them ruffle your feathers (a fine line!)

-Staying active, working out and becoming physically strong; learning to love some thigns about my body such that I ALSO see those things--not just small breasts--when I look in the mirror.

-Reading and listening to inspiring, uplifting books and music--anything that makes you feel empowered.

-Developing a sense of fashion style, especially learning what styles, colors, etc. flatter me and what makes me look like shit and should therefore be avoided. Some might say this is a silly thing, but when you feel good, you look good. And others think you look good. This is definitely one of those things I also did NOT have when younger. I envied the girls who looked "good." I was a tomboy and wore my brother's clothes.

-Discovering this forum.


-Did accepting your body take a long time? How long?

Your mileage may vary, but my journey began in earnest in my mid-20s and I'm almost 42, and I know it will continue for the rest of my life. If you're here asking these sorts of questions, I think you are well on your way. I have a couple good female frineds in their 60s and I love how they just don't give a SHIT! They inspire me. I think you often just care less and less what people think as you get older and live your life.

All this said, remember that body acceptance is an ongoing journey, not a destination to be gotten to as quickly as possible. I still have bad days, and yes, running into a pretty woman with the size tits I'd like can send me into a fucking tailspin, as can flipping through a lingerie catalog. But I'm getting better at focusing on the bigger picture of my life and body, surrounding myself with good peopel who value me as I am (and learning how to better handle those who I MUST deal with) and realizing that my breasts are only a small (pardon the pun) part of it all.

[buttercups]

Hi DeeRayy, welcome to this wonderful group! I'm not the most confident chick on here of course, but I feel compelled to respond because I can relate to you and your feelings of insecurity so much. I'm really sorry that your confidence has been so rattled by your ex, but it sounds like you have so much more insight on everything than I ever did in those kinds of situations and you are already on your way to healing and getting that confidence back. Even though I can't offer a lot of advice on body acceptance, I can tell you that it is possible to be intimate with someone again even with really strong fears and insecurity about your breasts. I know it's not the ideal situation, but don't feel like it is never something you can ever do again because I thought that too and I was able to reach a level of comfort with another person again that I thought I never would be able to do.

I was with my ex for 6 years and part of why I stayed with him for so long even though I wasn't really in love anymore was because I hated my body so much and I was terrified of having to expose myself to another human being. The thought of it made me want to be celibate for the rest of my life- no joke! Well eventually that relationship was no longer working and after we broke up I developed a crush awhile later on my current bf. I was really scared though because I didn't know how he would react to my body and I didn't even want to put myself in that position. I decided to pursue it anyways with an " I'll worry about the intimacy part later" attitude. We got to know each other better and liked each other more and it started looking like I was going to have to face this soon and I didn't exactly know how. One night we were making out and had never done anything else because I couldn't let it happen and he grabbed my chest- I was so embarrassed because I was wearing 2 bras to hide my less than AA cups ( might help to know that some girls like me would kill for your A's!) and I sorta freaked out for a second and told him I wasn't ready. A few weeks later the truth came out that I was really insecure about my breast size and I felt a little more prepared to tell him because we had taken it slower and felt like I could trust him at that point. I waited until I knew he really cared about me, and exposing my chest to him still wasn't fun and was very scary, but by going at my own pace I was able to do it. He was extremely understanding and said it didn't matter to him how big my boobs were. 3 years later we are still together and he has never said anything negative about my chest and I feel very lucky about that. Just goes to show you that there are good guys out there and that each one of us deserves nothing less.

I can't say that being with an accepting guy has really helped me as much as it probably should, because I am still very insecure and still can't look at myself in the mirror either when I'm getting changed because it makes me feel very bad about myself. The acceptance definitely has to come from within and not from any guy, because if it could come from a guy then I would be 100% over this. Having sex still isn't the easiest thing for me to do and I go through periods where I avoid it altogether because I worry that I'm disappointing my bf or that I'm inadequate even though he hasnt given me any indication of that- he is a very patient man to put up with me haha. I'm certainly not advocating for leading this kind of life because no woman should have to feel this bad about herself, but would like to offer you some reassurance that if this crazy headcase can manage to be with someone else you can too. Just take your time and go at your own pace and you will reach a level of trust in the other person. It is in no way easy, but it can be done. Hopefully though you will be able to move past this and not have to worry about any of this anyways because you will see that you are truly beautiful.

[DeeRayy]

Thanks for all the great advice and warm welcomes everyone! I appreciate it.

My next questions are directed towards the older and/or more confident women in this thread.
-Have you always had such a healthy attitude towards your body?
-If not, what helped you change the way you look at yourself?
-Did accepting your body take a long time? How long?

I'm asking because I feel very stuck as far as my body image is concerned. I literally have to look away from my bedroom mirror while changing because I get frustrated and ashamed at what I see. It's been like this for a year without any real improvement.

It's weird because I was able to successfully deal with other insecurities in the past. For example, I have a nose that's on the bigger side. Not bulbous or anything, just large (think lea michele, i have a similar facial structure to hers). But i was able to accept it with a little time and maturity, and now I kinda like my nose and I feel like it makes me, well ME.

But somehow the issues I have with my breasts are different, and much stronger. One thing I will say is that it didn't become an issue until I started having sex. Even in the early stages of dating my ex, my breasts didn't cause me much grief. Sure, I had always wished they were bigger but I used to just throw on a a good bra and call it a day. But as soon as we started getting physical, I felt EXTREMELY vulnerable and insecure about my breasts, and pretty soon, it was all I could think of when we were getting intimate. Heck, I wasn't even able to enjoy myself because of it!

And now it's sort of carried on into my everyday life. And the though of getting intimate with another guy honestly scares the sh*t out of me now.

[karategrrl]

Wow, I just clicked the banner on top of this web page and found this site...scroll down for the Valentine's photo of a HOTTTT grrl with small breasts. Yeah, I'll say it. Small tits are hot.
yoga for indie rockers

[karategrrl]

But with time I have learned to accept that if a guy doesn't like my breasts, well, it's his problem, not mine. If he really, really feels he's settling, I can kick his ass to the curb. If he feels my breasts are hot, then he's welcome in my bed.

OMG, this was great.

And DeeRayy, nothing says you MUST date men only your own age; if/when you wnat to date, you could date someone a little older.

[DeeRayy]

He was my first and we were together for over a year. I even lost my virginity to him, so yeah, I am really feeling hurt right now (cried myself to sleep). It was one of those "it's not you, it's me" situations, whatever that means. But I do not regret the relationship because I learned so much about myself. I guess I should of saw it coming because we had been seemed to be growing further and further apart lately. I guess one of my struggles with moving on is before we got together, boys were not exactly lining up for me. The bustier girls got more attention than me, and I am afraid that I am going to become invisible again

I know how you feel. Moving on from the guy you lost your virginity to is tough. And I felt exactly the way you did, that I was gonna be invisible once again. But I think it should be noted when I first started college I found that a lot, if not most, of my friends had not even had their first boyfriend yet! I guess it's because we were all more busy chasing grades than chasing boys, which is a good thing. I wouldn't advise getting into a committed relationship too soon in college. I would say this past year has been all about finding myself, and I've learned a lot this year. If anything, it's been the most interesting and exciting year of my life so far,and i've been single the whole time!

[Anne_Ecdote]

No Shoes.

Perspective.

[KeraBear]

If he feels my breasts are hot, then he's welcome in my bed.

... if a guy is not willing to accept you 100% then fuck him

Wait... so which is it?

[KeraBear]

Welcome DeeRay!!

I don't know what else that I can add. Everybody else gave such awesome advice. And yeah, I hope you have already discovered this to be a safe place! I can sort of relate to you though, I didn't get my first real BF until late in my high school career, too. Part of it was because I was also wracked in insecurities too mostly surrounding my little booblets and also because I am so short and "boyish" (i hate that term, but hey, it fit). Like you, it was mostly the other girls that gave me crap about them. Everybody was more womanly than me, even my lil sis, and I believed it. I guess I looked out with my BF because he absolutely adored them (my booblets). Maybe if he reacted the way yours did, I wouldn't have such a bright outlook. But you know what? Yeah, just because another man appeciated them should not matter, really. We shouldn't let anyone - man or woman - define us! But I am not going to lie... it does help knowing that they are out there.

By the way, you Busties may have noticed that I referred to my BF in the past tense. It's cuz he broke up with me recently. He was my first and we were together for over a year. I even lost my virginity to him, so yeah, I am really feeling hurt right now (cried myself to sleep). It was one of those "it's not you, it's me" situations, whatever that means. But I do not regret the relationship because I learned so much about myself. I guess I should of saw it coming because we had been seemed to be growing further and further apart lately. I guess one of my struggles with moving on is before we got together, boys were not exactly lining up for me. The bustier girls got more attention than me, and I am afraid that I am going to become invisible again.... but then I think about all the things I learned from you all since coming here and I remember that these thoughts are silly. I am hot! I am going to take some advice that Karategrrl gave me via PM and spend some time as a single gal and further "develop my kickass self"!

I am graduating soon and I cannot wait for college. We'll compare notes, DeeRay, and help each other survive college as small Busties!

[DeeRayy]

Hey hey DeeRay!

You gave me flashbacks. My first serious BF, in high school, was a lot like your guy. Long story short, According to him my ass was too fat and tits too small. Looking back, I have the perspective to realize that I was not all that bad; I was pretty but just VERY insecure and had never built up any sort of confidence. HE was no great shakes physically so was really in no place to talk. But I couldn't see any of that then.

Yes, my ex was far from my dream guy as well, but I was sooo attached to him that I didn't care at all. I guess that 's what got to me. That I could look at him and see nothing wrong, yet he couldn't do the same. In the end that's how I knew we weren't right for each other. And, I see now that guys my age are often still very immature and insensitive. But that just kinda makes me worry that i'm gonna have to wait a looong time until I meet guys who aren't like that.

i don't want to sound harsh, but you did flat out ask him. i think a good lesson here would be to understand why you did. what answer were you expecting from him? were you hoping he would say something totally different or did you think this would just confirm your fears?

Yes, I realize now that asking him his opinion on my body was a big mistake. I guess it just really bothered me that he was sending me mixed signals about the way he felt about my breasts, so in a way I just wanted him to stop beating around the bush. But, I learned my lesson and would never ask a guy that question again

the take home point is this. if you don't want men to obsess over the fact that you have small breasts, then you have to stop obsessing about it. a guy might not even notice, i.e. he knows your breasts are small but doesn't think that deeply about it. but if you harp on it long enough he may think, yeah, actually your breasts are too small.

This makes a LOT of sense, and I know I need to focus on other things, and that my insecurity is probably the biggest flaw in my personality. I'm working on it, but it's easier said than done. It didn't really become an issue for me until the relationship started getting physical. Now that I look at things, I really don't think I should have sex until I sort out the issues I have with my body. But I'm not sure exactly how to start changing the way I feel about myself.

Funny how just one comment can break your level of security with a person. It was like he planted a seed in my brain. I was not enough for him. Then it all made sense as to why all the girls he told me were hot were busty. I didn't care that many other men even prefer small breasts. No. Because the man I loved and accepted entirely did not accept me in the same way. And I only cared about the opinion of that man.

I know, it's amazing how hurtful one single comment can be. The thing is, his comment kind of made me worry that a lot of other men are obsessed with boobs and that a lot of other men would end up "settling" for me, as karategrrl said earlier. I guess it just makes me worry that the majority of guys my age think the same.

[secretsights88]

Welcome DeeRayy!

Well, I can say I relate A LOT. Now I don't have many problems with my breasts, sometimes I do wish they were bigger but for the most part, I've stopped focusing so much on them (I'm 22, but when I was a teen until I was around, well, 21 I cared A LOT!). I don't know how it worked, but I guess I just started realizing that they fit my body, that they look good naked, they are sensitive, and there are a lot of hot women who have even smaller breasts than I do (I'm an A cup too), who are well, HOT, and a lot of guys think so too.

But I remember when I first had a boyfriend... the first months were perfect and he made me feel like I was the most beautiful/sexiest woman on Earth! Until he started getting more comfortable with me, and started um, "sharing" a bit more than I would've liked. What I mean is, while watching TV for instance he'd go "Wow, she's hot!", without being asked, and when he noticed my being uncomfortable with it, would just joke about it... sometimes he'd even tease me while we were IM'ing, like he'd show me a pic of some hot girl he liked and ask me "How can you NOT think she's hot?!". All these women were really busty. That gave me some doubts that maybe he didn't like my breasts.

He was very appreciative of my ass, hips and thighs, despite having cellulite. He especially liked the way my waist and hips contrasted so much, and that it looked quite curvy. This was good for me, since I spent many years in high school being teased by OTHER GIRLS about having "such big hips, omg they're enourmous!". But then there was a time in which I lost some weight, I didn't notice any breast shrinkage, but he made me notice. He went "Is there anything you can eat or do to make them bigger naturally? Since you've lost weight they're smaller", I asked "Is there a problem with that?", he said "Well, I wouldn't like them to be THAT small!".

Funny how just one comment can break your level of security with a person. It was like he planted a seed in my brain. I was not enough for him. Then it all made sense as to why all the girls he told me were hot were busty. I didn't care that many other men even prefer small breasts. No. Because the man I loved and accepted entirely did not accept me in the same way. And I only cared about the opinion of that man.

I also made the mistake of asking him if he'd like my body better if I had bigger breasts. He said yes. Of course...

I left him because of other things, but the point is yes, sometimes just a single comment made by a significant other can really be harmful. But with time I have learned to accept that if a guy doesn't like my breasts, well, it's his problem, not mine. If he really, really feels he's settling, I can kick his ass to the curb. If he feels my breasts are hot, then he's welcome in my bed.

But what I find most interesting is that as guys grow up, they start being more mature about these things. It takes time, though. They start getting better about this kind of stuff at about 25. They start appreciating more diverse types of beauty or even flat out reject the typical "hot" girl stereotype and go for what THEY like...

Some men never change, though. But those types of men are usually losers, so you really don't want anything to do with them. In that regard, I think it is good to be a bit selfish... if a guy is not willing to accept you 100% then fuck him, you don't have to accept him back.

[dj-bizmonkey]

welcome DeeRayy! i hope you enjoy being part of this community. i stumbled upon bust when i was your age. makes me sound ancient but probably only about a decade older than you

i have definitely had to deal with boyfriends like yours in my past and they are soooo not worth your tears. number one, yes, they are likely interested in the whole package, not just parts of it. number two, even if they find some part of you lacking, telling you about in direct or indirect ways is just immature and insensitive. my current bf's dick curves noticeably to the right. i think it looks funny, but i would never TELL him that. i just adjust myself in the other direction when we're having sex. that being said.....

It finally reached a boiling point when one day I finally just asked him if he could change anything about me what would it be, and sure enough he said, "well, you know how I said I was a boob man? Well there you go." All I could do was cry that night, and I ended up feeling worse and worse about my body. I felt ashamed and inadequate. And he just started to get impatient with me, and rather than comforting me he just kept telling me to let it go and that he was with me because of other things. I guess he just didn't understand how sensitive the issue was for me.

i don't want to sound harsh, but you did flat out ask him. i think a good lesson here would be to understand why you did. what answer were you expecting from him? were you hoping he would say something totally different or did you think this would just confirm your fears? i don't necessarily think he's an asshole for answering something you asked him pointblank. i do think he's an asshole for telling you he's a boob man while you were getting intimate though. we're all vulnerable in bed and that is the worst time to talk frankly about any sexual matter. i think he probably DID have a clue as to how sensitive you were about it (otherwise why would you ask or keep bringing it up) but you can only build a person up so much before your patience runs thin. and THAT being said....

So, out relationship ended a few weeks after that. To make things worse, it turns out he had left me to pursue another girl who was much bustier than I, and we never talked again. But honestly, I don't think he was just leaving me simply to be with some girl with a bigger rack. I mean I'm sure her boobs didn't hurt, but I feel like my insecurity made it too hard to be with me, and that it was my own fault that he left me for her.

it sounds like you've got some really good insight here. i don't know that you need to play the blame game and say, oh it is all my fault that he left me, but i DO think your insecurity played a role. in the end, like karategrrl said, you don't want to be with someone who is just 'settling' for 'enough.' no one, no one's body, no one's personality is perfect. the difference between the people we end up with and the people we don't is that the things we love about our partner overshadow the things we might change if we could wave a magic wand. and we don't spend much time thinking about the things we could change. i think as we age as well, the things we might change become more about behavior and much less about the physical.

the take home point is this. if you don't want men to obsess over the fact that you have small breasts, then you have to stop obsessing about it. a guy might not even notice, i.e. he knows your breasts are small but doesn't think that deeply about it. but if you harp on it long enough he may think, yeah, actually your breasts are too small. what has finally worked for me in the end is to think that my breasts just are. they exist. i hate the term flat because we aren't flat. if you place a level across our nipples, i'm sure it would not read plumb! your breasts are just one part of you. it is important to take the value judgment out of something that is just descriptive. i have a big ass, thick thighs, a tiny waist and even tinier breasts. not good, not bad, my body just IS and i love it for that. it gets me from point A to point B and gives me significant pleasure. i've got small breasts and my attitude these days is, and??????

hang tough DeeRayy and thanks for sharing!

i think it is especially challenging just because of our culture. having a breast fetish isn't 'natural' in the sense that it just comes from instinct. sorry, that is just a load of horseshit. much of Katherine Dettwyler's work has shown that at all. in her book on the biocultural perspective of breastfeeding, she refers to a cross-cultural study done in the early 1960's. in it roughly 160 traditional cultures were surveyed, and out of these only 13, THIRTEEN, viewed breasts in a sexual way, i.e. breasts were touched, fondled, used during sexual contact. that should give you pause. this isn't something that is hardwired into us people, and i think a lot of men (and women) are uncomfortable with that fact. here is her website if you ever want to read some of her commentaries. one of my favorite anthropologists: http://www.kathydettwyler.org/

[karategrrl]

Hey hey DeeRay!

Well, I could write a book (as some of you know) but for now I'll share a few random thoughts. I'm sure others will add.

1. Welcome! I'm so glad you've posted here! If you are feeling like this, this is certainly the place to be.

2. I'm sure you loved him, but your ex sounds like an insensitive ass. And not to man-bash, but in my "old" age I've come to find that most men are entirely insensitive about women's body issue sensitivities, especially the younger they are. His asking over the phone about your cup size was totally fucking stupid. I mean, did you ask him to whip out a ruler and give you his measurements? (Sorry, venting!) Sounds like you totally accepted him while you did not get this in return.

3. I'm surprised gay men teased you--they're usually very appreciative of women. And yes, I realize that is a blanket statement! And it always astounds me when folks from a "group" that often gets bashed will bash others; I mean, they must know it it sucks and hurts.

4. You gave me flashbacks. My first serious BF, in high school, was a lot like your guy. Long story short, According to him my ass was too fat and tits too small. Looking back, I have the perspective to realize that I was not all that bad; I was pretty but just VERY insecure and had never built up any sort of confidence. HE was no great shakes physically so was really in no place to talk. But I couldn't see any of that then.

5. Despite all that, I doubt his choice to date you or the other girl was based entirely on breasts. Like we've discussed here, women are lovely "packages" (pardon that word) made up of SOOOOO much more than breasts.

6. At first, it sounded like your BF was appreciating you and your breasts, but your later comments make it sound like he was "settling." This may be hard to hear, but I have to say it; you may not consider yourself lucky to have had this experience, but at least you found out relatively early what he was really made of. Some women are MARRIED to men like this.

7. And this may be even harder to hear, but honey, I'm sure you are gorgeous and beautiful and talented and sensitive and have a bazillion other fantastic qualities--both physical and otherwise--that if some asshat can't recognize them and treat you like the goddess you are, he just plain doesn't deserve you.

Again, welcome. This is a safe and supportive community. Glad you found us. <<<hugs>>>

Post more!!

[DeeRayy]

Hello

I'm a new member of this sooo I guess I'll simply state why I'm here.

I have always struggled with insecurity about my body as a whole, but my greatest struggle has been with the size of my breasts (I'm an A-cup). I was mildly teased in high school about my size (entirely by girls and gay men), and had never even had a boyfriend until my senior year of high school. Ironically, it was my first boyfriend that did the most damage to my body image. The relationship was almost a year ago, but the comments he made about my body still affect me.

It started with a simple comment he made while we were making out. I'll try not to be too detailed, but he was kissing my neck and about to head lower when he looked up at me and said "I have such a boob fetish". I was just really confused by the comment and the only thing I could think of to say was "Well, then why are you here with me??" He just laughed and said because it's not ALL about a girl's boobs. I said that the comment bothered me because I've always been self-conscious about not having boobs and he just said, "well, you have enough" and continued to kiss me.

This made me feel a little better, and he would never hesitate to tell me when he though I looked gorgeous or to comfort me about my other insecurities. For example, I'm not extremely overweight or anything, but I do have a pudgy tummy and he knew it bothered me, but he would always make an effort to caress and kiss my stomach. However, when it came to my boobs his affection was inconsistent.

He even asked me what my cup size was on the phone once. I didn't want to tell him but he kept insisting. So, I finally said that I was an A-cup and all he could say was "oh....", and changed the subject. And all he could ever say about my breasts was that they were "sufficient" or "enough". It felt like a backhanded compliment, like I was the bare minimum. And he never once made an effort to tell me that he liked them or to pay extra attention to them in bed, even though he knew they were my biggest insecurity.

It finally reached a boiling point when one day I finally just asked him if he could change anything about me what would it be, and sure enough he said, "well, you know how I said I was a boob man? Well there you go." All I could do was cry that night, and I ended up feeling worse and worse about my body. I felt ashamed and inadequate. And he just started to get impatient with me, and rather than comforting me he just kept telling me to let it go and that he was with me because of other things. I guess he just didn't understand how sensitive the issue was for me.

So, out relationship ended a few weeks after that. To make things worse, it turns out he had left me to pursue another girl who was much bustier than I, and we never talked again. But honestly, I don't think he was just leaving me simply to be with some girl with a bigger rack. I mean I'm sure her boobs didn't hurt, but I feel like my insecurity made it too hard to be with me, and that it was my own fault that he left me for her.

So, I'm still left with some emotional scars and I'm just tired of hating the way I look, and feeling as though I'll never be enough for a guy. I'm in my first year of college and I haven't dated anyone since. I'm a commuter student so I don't have as strong of a social life as a dormer, but I'm moving into a campus owned apartment next year that's much more affordable so hopefully that'll help. but anyway, I guess I'm just looking for some words of advice and some opinions on the situation that I went through. Any insight would help. Thank you

[karategrrl]

I have to say, it seems like what a lot of us are recognizing is that it's great to accept and love oneself however you look, but another thing to go a big step further and say that your way it the only way to be, and everyone else is wrong to be the way they are.

[karategrrl]

She had the last laugh, though - she quit when she got a job as a runway model.

OH! That is just TOO fucking GREAT!
I, too, have been on the receiving end of that shit, though I must say, it wasn't as blatant.

"to help us stop giving offense to any whose eyes fall upon us."
Wow, that was well-said!

And welcome, Eris Sweetleaf!! Haven't seen you here before, or maybe I missed something--which is totally plausible! Great insights!!

[strongirl]

I totally agree, Eris Sweetleaf. And you raise a very good point about the underlying motivations when people put other people down over body shape/size - it's just competitive "one-upping", trying to elevate their status by putting other people down.

Your point about two types of women can really be expanded to people in general and comes down to whether one wishes to view others with compassion and support versus competition and vain self-promotion. There are those who wish to lift up and those who wish to tear down.

"It makes me sad that a lot of women don't seem to grasp the concept that empowerment doesn't mean attacking people who have done nothing to you."

I couldn't agree more.

And I do think there are racial issues that come into play with body type. I once worked in an office with a really gorgeous tall, thin, smalll-breasted young woman who was the only African-American woman in the office, with (other than me) mostly overweight, older white women. She took some serious shit in the form of "back-handed compliments" - things like "Eat a cheeseburger!" "Oh, I didn't see you, you were turned sideways"...just out of the blue. She handled it gracefully but it really used to piss me off. She had the last laugh, though - she quit when she got a job as a runway model.