[coeur ny]

help help HELP me!
im 18. my parents are very over protective of where i am (they always have been) and prefer me "home with the family" however when i AM home (most of the time) they prefer i and my younger brother stay away, do our own thing, and then when i DO stay in my room, i'm apparently "mad at the world." anyway, they decided to move four hours away from our old home (where i grew up) this summer and told me i had no options and had to go with them. i wont go into it all, im so sick of it day to day going on and on and on and ooon, but im so unhappy. i want to move home on my own but i have to be sure i can do it first...what did you girls do moving out? how old were you? what (and how much) were your expenses? and did you have a good relationship with your parents before during and after you had moved out?

[bustygirl]

kelkello--you have a right to your feelings about your stepmother. That said, your father obviously loves her, and is probably going through a VERY hard time, so I wouldn't voice your opinion to him, as it won't do any good to hurt him further.

Be there for him as much as possible, but know in your heart that you don't have to feel guilty for your feelings. Your feelings are your own, you have your own reasons for them, and you have a right to them.

[datagirl]

Thanks Anoushh,
My brother and sister were/are toxic.My sister had her engagement party on Saturday night.Mt sister's fiance's father just refused to acknowledge my parents as my mother also dislikes my sister's fiance.My mum did'nt give a fiddlers fart about his parents anyway and my parents left after about an hour.
At least I'm still good friends with my parents but the relationship with my sister and me is over,she's just
too hurtful and I don't want to be full of bitterness all my life.And it's not a failure on my part if I have no contact with my brother or my sister,as I get older I'll have to start hanging out with people who arnt there to judge and to hurt.

[anoushh]

I think one of the hardest things is really and truly realizing that you aren't going to change people like that. You somehow, subconsciously most likely, feel as if you just are persuasive enough, explain enough, persistant enough, or whatever, they will start behaving better, understand what you are saying/feeling, respect it, etc, etc etc.

It's ok to stay away from your family or anyone who is unhealthy for you. It's ok to cut off/distance yourself in all kinds of ways. It's actually a very good idea sometimes.

The details of exactly when/how/how much, etc, are of course much more complicated. But I just wanted to say that.

[datagirl]

(((anna k))) Thank you.

Families can really fuck us up.The other night I layed in bed crying because I felt that I couldn't do anything else.I felt so powerless and I hate feeling that way.If I write my sister a letter (I can't talk to her),she would say that I shouldn't blame anyone for what happened as I 'own' my reactions and feelings to things.A fucking cop out of thing to say and really quite regressive.I'm still angry and I have no idea where to direct that anger.I know that there will be no Christmas this year so I'm going to get very drunk at the beach.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I don't want to be negative anymore but I just can't seem to let this go. My siblings are sick fucks and I can't deal with it.

[anna k]

((((datagirl))) That is so horrible and sick. Good riddance to the two of them.

I hate being around my dad. For as long as I can remember, he has been bitter and harsh and aggressive and loud and obnoxious. My head hurts with remembering all the nasty, ignorant things he has said and how I brace myself around him, feeling stiff and uncomfortable. I can't love him the way I love my mom. I know he has dissapointmentss in his life work-wise, but I had plenty of shit in my childhood and dealt with it. I like peace and understanding, and can't stand him being bitter or harsh. I hate it when he makes fun of my mom's siblings but he barely talks to his blind sister who has seperated herself from the family, it's as if she doesn't exist. He wouldn't care if one of my mom's siblings died, but when his dad died it was a huge event for our family, and his dad's name is brought up at every major family event.

Once he snapped his fingers harshly at me while we were at an Olive Garden on vacation. I was miserable and kept quiet, and he snapped his fingers in front of my face. It may have been two years ago, but since his attitude hasn't changed, I find it hard to forgive him.

During the weekend, when we were going to go somewhere, a woman next door said hi to us, and she had two big dogs. The dogs came over, and my dad immediately tells my brother not to touch them (my brother is 19 years old, not 5). The woman and the dogs are friendly, but my dad keeps saying, "We have to go," and when she's out of earshot, he calls the woman a wacko. Twice. That shit sticks in my head, and it's hypocritical because he said he moved to the South because people are more friendly than New Yorkers, but he still acts like a bitter jerky New Yorker who hates "faw-reigners," poor black people, poor Latinos, Asians, and Muslims.

I want to scream at him and tell him that I never loved him, that his bullshit attitude throughout my life has made me not love him and that it's all his fault that I had to tolerate his assy behavior. He would say something like, "I'm your father, I've been there all your life." And he'd expect a fucking medal. He may have been there, but he felt more like a burden to endure than someone who I would love and trust. I always felt in fear and bracing myself for whatever he'd do next. My mom understands, but she loves him and knows him differently than I do. I still can't make myself love him, no matter what.

pinkmartyr, my dad was like that in Montreal. We went there, and he didn't know any French and refused to understand any of it. He wouldn't respond to a waiter if the waiter spoke French, looking at him until he switched to English. He drove the way he does in New York, honking and cursing at people, and said nasty shit about French people, Arabs being greedy, and pointed out "two chinks crossing the street." He didn't want to go to a French resturant, didn't want to visit Quebec City when my mom suggested it, and acted like a xenophobic asshole, which was a huge downer. I loved Montreal, but hated him being there with me and acting like a jerkoff.

[datagirl]

I harbour a massive amount of anger at my sister who is eight years older than me.This year she told me that she was molestered and then inturn molestered my brother (this happened when she was about 12-13) then my brother molestered me.She has always harboured a dislike for me and has put me down at every oportunity. She has done the therapy.I've done a bit,but can't seem to forgive her for fucking up my self worth and self esteme.Yes I do hate her and whadya know,it's her engagement party this Saturday.I absolutely obhor her fiance and hope that they have nothing but a miserable marriage.I told her how I felt about him and that I thought she was making a big mistake but my sister has never taken my opinions seriously.I know that I wasted my time in telling her how I felt and that I was just probably projecting my hatred towards her and using him as an excuse.I still think she is making a huge mistake and we will probably never have any sort of relationship again.It was never equal anyway so I'm probably better off without her.
Thanks for letting me vent.

[mornington]

((((persimmon)))) I honestly don't have any advice.
(((kelkello))) I have a similar relationship with my stepmother - whenever I'm given any news of her, my response is always forced and non-commital.

My brother is coming to live with me for two weeks straight while he's on half-term from school - he can't go to our mum overseas as he has hockey matches to play in and uni open days to go to - because my stepmother doesn't want him in the house. Apparently she can't fuction properly when he's around. My brother's response was "this all seems terribly familiar" because she did this to me two years ago. It just pisses me off - while I'm more than glad to have him, we get on etc etc, I won't get any help with the bills or food from our father, I'll have to pay for his travel card and give up my space to him - and have to deal with my hound freaking out because he's not good with men. I'm trying not to be pissed at my brother - it's not his faulty and we will be fine in all probability - but the only reason I'm aware of this (and half term is, uh, a week on friday) is because our mum warned me. She also had to tell my brother that he wouldn't be allowed to stay with his father and had to live with his loony sister instead. My father is a coward.

(((dysfuctional busties)))

[kelkello]

Yes, the holiday season is bringing up all the family crap. My dad called me on Friday. He calls me usually once a year on my birthday. Whenever he calls he asks the same two questions: How's your love life, how's school? He's always been able to ask that second question because I'm a teacher and I never really left school. However, this call was different. My stepmother, who has battled cancer for years, has about two weeks to live. The cancer is in her brain. Egad. Here's the problem: I don't like her. She's a mean, spiteful woman. She's done more to damage my relationship with my father than any other human I can think of, my dad and myself included. I don't think because of these things she deserves cancer or a tragic death, but I'm having a hard time mustering up real emotion about this. I feel the same as if a coworker told me a relative of theirs I never met is dying. "Oh, that's awful. I'm sorry." I feel bad for my dad, but I also feel that he's chosen to do whatever she's said for 22 years. Including ignoring his own children for her and her children. I feel very selfish in my feelings, but I really can't bring myself to feel anything real about this. Does anyone out there have a similar situation?

[persimmon_grrrl]

....

[laurenann]

i'm sure this thread will be getting lots of hits with the upcoming holiday season.

yesterday my mom agreed with me when i said i'm not going to even bother coming home for thanksgiving. it is just too depressing. they have dinner at my grandma's house. she used to live in this creepy apartment in jersey city which i loved when i was a kid. then she had a stroke and now she lives in a big house near my folks house with a lady who takes care of her. she is really disabled now, and no one wants to take care of her since the house is out in the middle of nowhere and none of these ladies have cars. the new lady is from georgia (the country) and her husband lives there too. my mom says they are very nice. my dad has been super depressed over the whole thing. he retired after my grandma got sick and is just miserable. he tries to keep it together, but he should really get some help. my mom is really resentful because she gets stuck taking care of my grandma a lot and has given up on trying to make the holidays traditional or fun. and my brother will be there just moping around like angsty young men do.

so i think i'm going to go to my boyfriend's parent's house for thanksgiving. they are crazy in their own way, but at least they'll take out the nice table settings and pretend to be happy.

[raisingirl]

Ugh. Can I just come in here and join all of you? My family is driving me batty (yet again) as well. From the primadonna younger sister who think she's the eldest sister (no, honey, that would be me; too bad you've had a problem with me all of your 30something years) to the immature mother who never grew up, I can't take it anymore.

Wal-Mart of the seas! hahaha... PM, I hear Barcelona is really beautiful.

[prettynpink]

(((pinkmartyr))) You CAN have your wedding the way you want.

I'm dealing with stupid family stress too. I posted it in Kvetch and dont feel like doing it again.

[pinkmartyr]

my mom is at it again.
we are on a cruise- i am posting from the "internet cafe." i'm not really a cruise person, but i had the chance for three days in barcelona so i jumped on it, of course. i have had a wonderful time so far, but with mom it has been bitchfest 2006, vacation edition.
she doesn't like european anything- food, customs, etc. in barcelona, all she did was stay at the hotel mostly. complained the whole time that she couldn't wait to get on the ship. now we are on the ship, which is nice enough, but after wonderful barcelona, it looks like wal-mart of the seas to me. still, i am happy and excited about the ports we're visiting and its all good.
she didn't come out of her room all afternoon because she was drinking and mad b/c she couldn't find anything she wanted to purchase today in marseilles. then, we had a private party on board for the group we are with, at which she drank at least 4 drinks within an hour. tonight was formal night in the dining room, where you dress up and they give you extra good food. she yelled about how i didn't love her, and how my brother and SIL doesn't approve of the place where matt and i are getting married. said she was still in love with my dad and told my step-dad it was over. when i tried to say something, she told me to shut the f up. later, she started crying about how she misses her dog at home. this was all during the formal dinner, where we were seated with people we don't know, and the waitstaff is trying to serve dinner quickly so that the second seating can come in. i was extremely upset but trying not to act like it, and the nice couple we sit with asked if i was ok, and told me to do my wedding however i want. it was just awful and embarrassing...
we are on a european cruise. we have good food, drinks, fun excursions, and we are in freaking europe. i don't understand what the problem is. the last thing i heard was that she was going to try to go home early at the next port. i doubt she will, though.
i asked matt tonight if he wanted to elope, and he said no, which is what he said the last time i asked, about a month and a half ago when she got like this last. a lot of her angst is about my wedding. it sucks all the fun out.
i am going to go have a beer and get my stuff ready for exploring Nice and Cannes tommorrow, because she's not ruining my vacation. or my wedding. so there.

[ginger_kitty]

I had to go to my grandmother's 80th birthday party today. It was pretty crappy. Some of my aunts and uncles didn't even bother to say hello to me or anyone in my immediate family. One of my aunts came up to say hi and when I started to talk to her I quickly discovered she was only chatting with me to try to pawn my mentally handicapped aunt off on me because she didn't want to give her a ride home. Even though that aunt lives like an hour and half out of my way. So as soon as I told her I couldn't she walked away and didn't talk to me again.

My one brother kept getting called my other brothers name, by everyone even though they don't even look alike. My nephews were miserable, b/c one had poison ivy and the other had a broken ankle. My mother was wondering around juct generally acting insane. My unlce's wife made us pose for a ton of photos.

They only brought one cake for like 50 people, b/c they are cheap! There were no snacks our anything. It was really lame. Then they only rented the place for like 3 hrs, so my aunt and uncle that paid for the place just started packing away chairs and vacuuming the floor b/c people were hanging out and not leaving.

I hate my family!

[sassygrrl]

((pinkmartyr))

I too have to deal with a drunk mother. She was like this all weekend. I only see her and my father (they both drink) about once every six months. This weekend was the worst! I live a state away (in GA and not in SC) due to this fact.

It was all about the fact that I have gained some weight, and that I had no energy. I basically wanted to sleep all weekend, but I thought I had a right too being it was my vacation. Hell, I had had two seizures this past week, and they knew about this! She got all angry at me for sleeping b/c I was a "guest at their house..." and the fact that she wanted to show me off. What the fuck am I? Their daughter or their show trophy? I'm sure some of this stems from the fact that my sister does not talk to them, for this main reason.

I've never been so happy to get home to my shitty apartment, my bad flatemates, and my crap job.

All good busty vibes.

[pinkmartyr]

hope all of you are doing well... i don't mean to hijack the thread and what you've already got in progress, but i'm having some issues with my mom.

first some background: mom has always been a drinker. she starts drinking every day around 5, but sometimes its as early as 2pm. she drinks all evening, and only eats one or two meals a day. she has been drinking this way ever since i was a teenager. when she gets drunk, she yells and screams and degrades whomever her target happens to be. frequently, its her current husband or my grandma (her mom) who lives with her. usually its about how they just need to do things her way, or how they're too old, stupid. lazy, fat (insert adjective) to do anything at all. she is very controlling- for example, none of my stepdad's family is allowed at her house, and she refuses to visit them.
then there is her other side: she is giving (like in a charitable way) and willing to help others, for example, she paid for a poor family to have central heat and air installed in their home as a christmas gift. when my brother and i need something, she is the first one to offer assistance, whether it is money or doing something for/with us to help.

my boyfriend and i are planning our wedding. we just moved to a bigger apartment, we both just got raises at work, we are happy and doing great. in about a month, we are going on a cruise with my mom and stepdad (they said it was only fair since they took my brother and sister in law on one a few years ago). my mom also came over and helped on our recent moving day. we weren't going to take this apartment b/c it did not come with appliances, but my mom insisted on getting them for us b/c she wanted us to live in this particular place- they are business-friends with the landlord.

the current problem is that yesterday everything blew apart. my mom called at 3pm, already drunk, and rambling some nonsense about how she knew that matt and i had secretly changed all the wedding food with the caterer. (not true and completely weird of her to mention) she said that matt should have nothing to do with the wedding until his mom starts paying for something besides the rehearsal dinner. then she said that i need to start telling him what to do, and i need to "get control," because we shouldn't make decisions together, that i should make them all and he should do what i say. (that is what happens in her marriage). then she said that all he wanted was a "free ride" from me (in actuality, we both work and contribute equally). i explained to her that she and i were different, that i appreciated her opinion, but i felt things were going quite well. as many of you know, there is no reasoning with a drunk person. i tried to be polite to her, but ended up crying and had to hang up on her. she said that the only reason i was talking to her that way (disagreeing) was because i didn't currently "need" anything from her at the moment. we never asked for anything- she offered those things, and i've told her no many times about other stuff.

matt and i agree that we are not going to take any more money/help from them, since it is becoming an issue. but we can't undo what is done- we are supposed to be going to europe with them in a little over a month. she also intends to pay for half of our reception, but she is getting really demanding about it (she hates my dress, argued with me over flowers, doesn't even want the groom's mom involved whatsoever). my mom only does this to me when i am happy.

i haven't talked to her for a day or so, and although she has done a lot when she was drunk before and i could tell some bad stories about that, this is the worst. sometimes i feel like i just don't want her in my life because she causes so much hurt, and i know she'll never quit drinking or needing control of all of us. she won't change at all- but how can i deal with it?

[dynamitedamsel]

Well, I am moving from my Mom's on the 27th....not getting a place of my own though, just going to live with my Nanna...Hope this works out better in the long run.

[dynamitedamsel]

dynamite - the parenthesis around your name basically mean that although I've got nothing constructive to say, I'm giving internet hugs and support to you.

(((gkitty))), gah on being stuck in the middle, although I'm glad the party went well.

Well, now that I understand, thank so much.

[mornington]

dynamite - the parenthesis around your name basically mean that although I've got nothing constructive to say, I'm giving internet hugs and support to you.

(((gkitty))), gah on being stuck in the middle, although I'm glad the party went well.