[ketto]

I'm going through some of the worst anxiety I've had in the past 4 years. I'm too exhausted to write about why, and I think I'll be okay once vacation comes but I feel like I'm making my partners life hell and I'm barely sleeping or eating and just getting by. Ugh, why does it hurt so much and why can't it leave me alone?!

[period_monster]

Kari, nice work on getting through the flight. I have this weirdness where flights are one place I feel truly relaxed. I have no control and for some reason, that soothes me.

So e-man made contact last night and when I received it this morning it sent me on a five+ mile tizzy. I keep taking my meds. I am becoming a bit worried about remaining functional. I have been outwardly functional, but it feels like I'm about to get hit with a serious case of the crazies. I am hopeful that I am wrong.

~end vent~

[kari]

(((period_monster)))
I'm so sorry to hear your anxiety is so rough right now. Hang in there. I think one positive is that you've identified that it's this time of year that amps it up. I think that's positive, b/c it will pass. Maybe after the semester ends, the anxiety will begin to ease up. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself. And come in here anytime to vent.

I've been doing pretty good lately. I did almost have an incident a few weeks back. Took a trip, and the first flight was on one of those small planes. I started to freak during take off. But I was able to calm down and get through the flight. Didn't happen on any of the other 3 flights.

[period_monster]

It's been a while since this thread saw some action. My anxiety is pretty over the top right now. In spite of the meds, in spite of going to see a therapist once a week for over six months (except when one of us was out of town), I remain a nerved up gal. Part of this is just the stress that comes from the lovely combination of the holiday season and this point in the semester. Does it have to be this painful to get better?

It seems that no matter how hard I try, it bubbles back to the surface. All of the multi-mile walks, the time spent working on me for once, they just aren't helping that much anymore. I've awoken in the night because I needed to vomit from the nerves. I haven't slept for four hours uninterrupted in weeks. I awaken and am tortured by the past. Even stupid inconsequential exchanges cause me concern years later. And I've been arguing with a past boyfriend in my mind nearly nonstop for a few days now.

I just needed to get this off my chest here, as I am getting tired of calling family and friends and just sobbing.

But I will keep trying. And one day this anxious monkey will be manageable, able to help me accomplish things rather than send me in endless circles.

Sorry for the me me me. I hope all other Busties are unaffected by anxiety at this time.

[thirteen]

((((period_monster))))-- Thank you for asking after me!


Well... so far, so good. The Dr was really sweet & understanding, although she tried to make me promise to NEVER harm myself-- ever. I can promise to never hurt others (that is not a temptation anyway!)... but as for myself, who knows. So I promised instead for six months. That I can manage. Anyway, I WANT to live, desperately!

Lexapro and Risperdal were prescribed & I began taking them on Saturday night (the Risperdal... I don't like taking since it can have bad side-effects)... but I have taken both of these medications in the past & they worked well. Especially the Lexapro.

My only side-effect thus far is feeling rather empty and tired. Just... almost floating, but not sick. Like a blackboard wiped clean-- sort of a good feeling, sort of bad. Hmm. That usually improves with time.

The Dr says most medications take about a month to work, though for me often more like two or three weeks.

Fingers still crossed....

13

[period_monster]

Thirteen, how did it go? I hope you are doing well.

My new meds have completely stabilized my moods. I can eat, sleep, work again!

Yay for better living through pharmacology!

[period_monster]

I have my first appointment with a possible new therapist on Friday morning. All fingers and toes are crossed. She comes highly recommended- my former therapist was certain our personalities would mesh, and she is the therapist of one of my besties.

Thirteen, sometimes I find that having to get outside of myself to water the plants, care for my cat, now kittehs, helps me a great deal. Are you sure you can't keep your kitty friend during this trying time? My G has been with me through many ups and downs, and I cannot imagine how much worse it would have been without him to bring a little joy to my life.

Good luck tomorrow, thirteen!

Kari, I am pleased to hear your anxiety is not being a problem right now. Keep doing whatever it is you're doing.

I have kept down half a piece of toast yesterday and then again today. I cannot wait until my calorie intake is enough that I can begin working out again, which does wonders for my mental health.

((((all anxious ones))))

[kari]

Yes, Thirteen! You are so close to seeing your doc!! YAY!

((period monster)) Sounds like it's been tough lately. Are you going to be getting a new therapist, do you think?

I've been doing well lately. Not too much anxiety. I am grateful.

[thirteen]

((((period_monster))))
Thank you for your kindness. It means a great deal!
So glad you have a new feline friend-- they are such a comfort in difficult times-- sweet little clowns. I have a kitty, too, but she will be staying with family once I can get my own place-- I become so depressed that it is hard to even take care of myself, let alone Koshka. That's really saying something, because my kitty is laid-back and incredibly friendly-- almost like a dog instead.

Do you find that Klonopin works well for you? I know that results vary from person to person, but I've heard good things about this medication. Anti-psychotics and anti-depressants and mood stabilisers have all been tried on me, but methinks the anxiety is the worst & most crippling of my myriad problems!

Mania seems to precede the anxiety-- these wretched times where I feel alarmingly awake and want to do EVERYTHING and talk to EVERYONE-- & it has got me into loads of trouble before. Makes me wish I had a babysitter, almost, who could lock me in my room and protect me from myself!

One good thing that comes from all the madness is my poetry-- a sort of tidal brain-wave sweeps in and carries me out to sea (it is terrifying, but I come back with lovely words).

I hope that you are well, and everyone else here. Keep fighting!! ((((all my forum sisters))))
My appointment is in only 2 days, 2 days, 2 days!! It is soon. Just have to hang on a little longer.

xxoo
13

[period_monster]

(((Thirteen))) only a couple more days to go. I hope you find something that will work for you.

I went in for a tuneup with my shrink today, and we increased my anti-depressants and added in klonopin. The one-two punch of losing my therapist and my boyfirend in three short days was pretty tough. I find that I miss my therapist much more than the boy. I am feeling much more stable with the klonopin. It really takes the jitters away and for much longer than xanax. As a bonus for my mental health, I adopted a new kitty today. I am hoping she can bring a little additional joy to my life for now, and for many years to come. Just as soon as she stops hiding under the office chair and in the coming weeks as she gets to meet her older brother.

[lananans]

((thirteen)) stay strong. August 20 is getting close!

[kari]

((((((((((((((thirteen))))))))))))))))))))))) I am thinking of you.

[thirteen]

Argh, the anxiety returns! Two days ago my sister's friend came by our house, unexpectedly-- he is the pushy sort-- and this sent me into a frenzied, ill state. Horrendous. Pains in my back, legs and arms quickly followed, and nausea. The only thing I could do was crawl into my closet and weep. I ended up losing my temper (which is rare for me) and raised my voice, got very very cross. That is so uncharacteristic-- I was wholly discourteous to a complete stranger.

Now my nerves are steadying a bit-- it takes a long time for me to calm down-- but still I feel the madness coming on again. This is just insanely difficult to cope with, and I can hardly wait to see the psychiatrist!!

My OCD has become worse since the episode, too; the rituals are quite hard to resist. I don't know what to do, I'm tired as hell and just sleep constantly.

My mood changes often & is painful-- I do not know exactly what is wrong with my mind. Up one moment, down the next... all sorts of strange things occur.

Anyway, hugs to all of you out there with anxiety!! Keep your fingers crossed for me, please.

13

[kari]

yay, thirteen! August 20 is not too far away. Hang in there. I'm glad to hear there are some other living situations on the table. Excellent.

[thirteen]

Thank you, everyone, for being so caring. I am glad to be here!

My mood has improved vastly because yesterday I found out that I've an appointment with a doctor on 20th August. Was expecting September at the earliest, so this is marvellous news indeed. Just keep telling myself to hold on, to be patient and calm. Have been reading a lot, too, and trying to eat enough and sleep 8 or 9 hours per night. Of course the anxiety is still here, but now I have hope, something to look forward to.

It is scary to feel that you are fighting for your life, isn't it? Truly I am, though-- & I really, really, really desperately want to live!!

Oh, I've also been more honest with my sister and more assertive, though that is difficult with the anxiety. Soon I hope to get my own place & am looking around with a friend of mine who is a complete angel, helpful and empathetic. So things are looking up at the moment.

((((((((((everyone))))))))))
Thanks again for your kind words and advice!


13

[kari]

(((Thirteen))) I am so glad to see you here!!

I am also happy to hear things have improved slightly. Any possibility of you not living with your sister? I know that's a lot to think about & making a big change might be more than you can deal with at the moment, but it sounds like she's a huge stressor on you. I agree with angie, you have to take care of yourself, and your sister can find someone else to be her babysitter.

Hang in there.

((lananans))

Def agree that exercise helps. I feel so much better after working out too. Gets out some of that energy.

[lananans]

((thirteen))

How are things? Did you manage to get to see a doctor?? I understand what it's like to feel suicidal, but you just have to focus on the positive things and trust that you will feel better eventually.

I'm going through a rough patch right now myself, but I'm trying to stay positive. I find that exercising helps me out because of the endorphins. I was too anxious to even leave my apartment this morning but I forced myself to go downstairs, get on my bike and go to the grocery store... to buy ice cream... but it helped..

Hope things are looking up

[angie_21]

Thirteen, it sounds like you really, really need to get some space from your family, especially your sister. If things get so bad that you don't know what to do, please, please go to the hospital. It doesn't matter who you're supposed to be babysitting, someone else can and will do it. You don't have to feel weighed down to any "responsibilities" to your sister, as you have already said, she doesn't help you, so you don't owe her anything. If you aren't attached to a lease, is there anyone else you can move in with, especially while you are waiting to be able to see a therapist?

2 months doesn't seem right, are you sure you can't call and ask to get in sooner, or see if someone in the emergency room/hospital can't presecribe something, or get you to someone else faster?

[thirteen]

kari-- Thank you very, very much for your kindness. I am feeling somewhat better, thank God. Was able to call my best friend on the phone last night and we stayed up till almost 2 in the morning talking about everything that has been getting to us. My sister/roommate is not helping in the slightest. Actually, she is making everything worse. It is so horrible it's almost funny-- the other day I told her I might have to go to the hospital if the depression and anxiety continue, and she said, "Well, now would be a good time, since Sara is on vacation." Sara is my niece and I have been forced to babysit her constantly since I moved here, though my sister promised me that that would not happen. She also said she would help me out financially, which is a freaking joke-- I have not got a penny from her, and never will-- I can tell. Have brought it up and the tension and anger that comes from her is unbearable. My sister is full of lies and I'll never trust her again. I just have to get out of here.

By "get out of here", I mean I desperately need to move (yet again) though at times I just want to "get out of here" as in relocate six feet under.

It is so awful because I love being alive, just not with this level of sadness and worry. So much pain from all different directions, and so few resources at this time.

Anyway, I am going to hang on! Things have been great before and can be that way again, I am sure.

[kari]

Thirteen? You there?