[neurotic.nelly]

((damona)) i also wonder if there are other memories, pushed down and hidden. couple of books that have really helped me (you may know of em' already): the courage to heal: a guide for women survivors of child sexual abuse, and women who run with the wolves: myths and stories of the wild women archetype by Clarisa Pinkola-Estes. the second really helped me connect healing and self empowerment together, this is a courage thing, no doubt.

body memories, i've found that these things need to be physically either revisited or moved out with physical movement i.e. punching, kicking, crying while punching and kicking or massage i.e. a trained body worker.

((damona))

[kittenb]

i pushed everything away for so long it's hard to know if it's all out there or not.

It's out there and it sounds like it wants to be noticed and heard.

I see this happen quite a lot w/clients. They keep telling themselves that this is not a good time to deal with this problem. And most of us are pretty good about shoving it all away and saying, "I'll deal with you later." But, much like the closet that just won't hold one more winter coat or pair of roller skates, that door just gets harder and harder to close.

damona, I think it is great that you are using your awkae to time to look up info on-line but you might want to limit yourself from the more triggering stories. Yes, reading them can help you feel less alone but they will also put more images in your head that you may not be able to process. And I think that some studies have shown that a computer screen can feed into insomnia in much the same way that a TV can. Something about the way the lights work, but I am unclear on that.

Have you ever tried counseling? I think you live in the same state that I do so I might be able to help connect you with a close agency that deals with sexual assault. The counseling is free. PM me if you want and I will see what I can find in your area. Even if you have tried it before, it might be time to go back. Healing is an ongoing process and what sometimes feels like a step backwards is actually just a step into a deeper level.

Another thing you could try when you can't sleep is to call a crisis line. 1-800-656-HOPE will connect you to the closest rape crisis hotline to your area code. You don't have to lie awake in the dark without even another voice to comfort you.

[damona]

why am i still up at 4am? because i can't sleep while it's dark out for some reason. the last few days have been bad going to worse for me to sleep. if i go to sleep while it's dark, i have nightmares. if i sleep during the day, i'm fine. this makes no sense. most of the abuses happened during the day, not at night. this is really bothering me. and of course the more it bothers me, the harder it is to sleep, so i end up being comatose for half the day... this is not fair to my kids or my husband, who ends up watching the kids all day while i sleep. nothing is getting done, except that i'm doing tons of research on the computer! kids have camp today, i have to go shopping, i have to go to my mom's.... i don't know what to do. i go thru these cycles every few months where shit starts to really get to me again and i can't shake it and then all of a sudden, it seems, it just goes back into the black hole in the back of my brain. i don't know what triggers it, at least not this time. i know the last round was b/c of "anniversaries" of shit that happened, but i don't know why now, unless there's even more shit lurking in there that i'm not letting myself remember. great, something else to worry about now. i pushed everything away for so long it's hard to know if it's all out there or not. i have to get some sleep. i wish my husband would sleep with me, but it's so hot and we are both fat so we can't stand to share the bed anymore, he's snoring on the couch behind me. i wish i could curl up with him, maybe that would help. the worst is the body memories. goddess, i have chills just thinking about thinking about those. i don't even know how much of this is making sense. i just want to rest. i mean, really rest, not just sleep. i want to sleep with no nightmares, no interruptions, no nothing. just blissful peace until i feel like getting up. i want to rest for days. but yet, i can't sleep right now. i hate this. i hope the sonofabitch that helped make me the way i am fries in hell.

[neurotic.nelly]

heh. FUCK EM'. Whoever thinks this way must consider themselves wayyyy "normal and well adjusted" (seriously jaded would be most accurate). *yawn* You know what that equals in my book? B-O-R-I-N-G.
ETA: I have venom because healing is possible. always.

[minx]

Damaged for life? Uh, I don't think so. Fucked up for awhile is more likely...more likely if you don't seek help, or the people that are SUPPOSEDLY parenting you don't seek help for you.

You know, it's hard enough going through life after that without feeling like you're damaged goods. Yes, there are correlations between sexual abuse/rape and a shitload of mental health issues, but I've heard people go off about how they'd never date someone who's been a victim of sexual assault/sexual abuse because of whatever.

Too bad for them. We didn't lose our "loveability" with our past. That is so going beyond pathologizing.

[kittenb]

I need a minute to vent. Lately, thanks to the work that I do, I keep coming across this apparent theory that a person who has been sexually abused and/or raped as a child is damaged for life.

Fuck that shit!

Yes, I was raped as a child. Yes, I was hurt and it was awful and I would never wish that kind of pain on my worst enemy.

HOWEVER-

None of that means that my ability to heal has been stolen from me. Every child who is hurt has the ability to heal and can and often does become a functioning adult. It takes love and patience and support and belief but it is more that possible, it is PROBABLE!

It is true that not everything in me works the way that I wish it did. But I reject this lable of "damaged for life."

I am nobody's damaged goods and to consider me such demeans me and everyone who has ever been through this.

We are bruised, not broken. Do not take away my authority over my life and assume that I am unable to make decisions as an adult because you do not understand where I am coming from.

/rant over.

[LoungeLady]

A couple members requested this thread be stickied. If for any reason you feel strongly about this thread being pinned, please PM me (do not post here) so we can keep the thread on topic and drama-free.

[deschatsrouge]

yeah, that would be a good idea, shall we pm LL?

[kittenb]

{{{bump}}}

I just get nervous when this thread drops off the page in case somone needs it and can't find it. Glad that everyone is doing well, though.

Should we request to have this pinned or something?

[cstars124]

hello everyone! I haven't been here in a while, but I thought I'd check in to see how everyone is doing.

I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you, llamas. I also struggle with the fact that I was raped and I blame myself and can't really bring myself to call it, "rape". What I've said on this board before, and it's probably worth repeating is that if one of your friends was telling you that what happened to you happened to THEM, what would you call it? I'm sure you'd call it like it is and regardless of the situation, you wouldn't blame them for what happened. It's tough to be less hard on yourself.

Luckily, I've started going to therapy and so far, it's worked very well. I guess I just needed to hear someone unbiased to the situation, tell me that it wasn't my fault and validate how I feel. After I talked about it with my therapist, I actually stopped having nightmares about it. I actually had a dream that same night, where I saw my ex bf (the rapist) and I was able to be calm and breathe and not get so upset/scared that I would wake up afraid or crying. So, for what it's worth, for me anyway, therapy is definitely worth it.

[deschatsrouge]

((((Llamas))))

[anarch]

/delurking

(((((((llamas))))))))

My dad did something similar to my mom. Financial blackmail for sex. After she died (so from my perspective, she was safe from his blaming), I dragged him to a therapist and told him what i thought of him.

On not blaming yourself...I hope you keep practicing until it feels familiar. He's at fault, not you. Not you. Not you.

/relurking

[llamas]

Thanks for the kind words.
Right now I'm trying really, really hard not to blame myself for what happened, but it's difficult.

[kittenb]

{{{llamas}}} Damons wrote some great stuff so I am just going to "ditto" her. Regardless of whether or not you want to name him as a rapist the fact that you feel raped is what needs to be validated. Not being given a chance to say no does not equal consent, nor does not fighting back for fear of being hurt. You didn't want it to happen, that is where it should have stopped.
I am so sorry that this happened to you.

[damona]

(((((((((((((((llamas)))))))))))))))) honey, you are not overreacting. it sounds to me like it was something you felt you had no choice in, whether you wanted to or not. you're feeling violated and that is what happened. he violated you. i understand your hesitation to actually call it rape, i really do. i have been in similar situations, where fear of what he might do, then or later, motivates you to just lie there and figure that you'll deal with it all later, because at least you won't get hurt now. don't think that because it wasn't a stranger or because he didn't actively force you that your experience is somehow less important than others. no matter what has happened to other people, this is important because it has happened to you.

[llamas]

Umm...so. I haven't been in this thread much since my stalker issue a while back, but something happened on Sunday that I'm trying to process. (May be triggering.)
I'm going through a kinda drawn-out divorce right now, and the soon-to-be ex came over to get a few things out of the bedroom closet. While we were back there, he rather perfunctorily had sex with me. I really didn't want to, but felt like I couldn't say no, as he has a bad temper and I was afraid he would be legally or monetarily vengeful, if not physically, if I did. So I let him. Since then, I feel raped, but I don't feel like he raped me...does that make sense? I don't think he purposely tried to hurt me, but I feel nauseous and scared when I think about it. I just don't know whether I'm overreacting, since much worse things happen to people all the time.

[deschatsrouge]

I will add that it is imperative to not blame the victim.

[NisforNeville]

I really appreciate this! I feel like maybe I'm not doing such a bad job. What kind of therapist offers that they know how it feels? I have no idea what it feels like to be sexually assaulted, and I would never presume to tell someone that I did.

Basically, I stick to a couple of things. 1)Telling when someone hurts you is always the best thing (I'm a mandatory reporter, so I have to encourage them to always talk although I don't judge adult survivors who have chosen not to share) . 2)It isn't their fault ever. No matter what the perpetrator said, it is always the grown ups fault because they should know better.

For some kids, we have to talk about the fact that sometimes grown ups are idiots. Not in those words. I have a lot of kids who report what is going on, and the initial disclosure is not responded to well. That's the worst for me. Trying to explain to kids why it is that I'm perfectly willing to believe them (despite the fact that I'm typically relatively new to the kid), when their mothers did not.

It isn't my job to hear this. I'm not a forensic interviewer. But sometimes I end up being the one that people choose to disclose to. Despite the fact that it's a horrible thing, and I wish that it had not happened to the kid, it makes me feel like I'm good at my job. Kids who choose to disclose to me will be believed, and if they're disclosing, I've created some level of trust. I would never hurt that trust by disbelief.

Not to mention, when you have a small child with an STD, it came from somewhere. And I've yet to meet a child who is lying about sexual abuse. I'm sure that some kids do not tell what actually happened, but I haven't met them.

Again, thanks for all of your help. I'll be checking this thread periodically, so any other suggestions are always appreciated.

[damona]

i think the single most important thing when trying to help children who have been abused is this... believe them, don't try to fix them or tell them you know how they feel, just let them tell you what happened in their own way and in their own time, whenever that's possible.

[Miss Deena]

I can say from my own story that when I was first telling a counselor about my past that nothing made me more angry then for them to say "I know how you feel" I would just scream in my head "How the FUCK do you know"!!! But being the internal child I was I would close down and say nothing. What made me feel more confidant to speak about my feeling was for them to say "You are very strong" It is going to be different for everyone of course. But if this helps one then I am glad to share.