[i_am_jan]

Just wanted to say I will be away from computers for the next several weeks so I won't be around the board ... I hope everyone will keep this thread alive ...

I always hear how, in other countries, women who speak about women's issues publicly receive death threats daily and are indeed killed on a regular basis. I know many here feel that it is necessary to talk about abortion and to refuse to be silent in order to keep the right to choose legal!!

Thanks for always listening to my ranting ...

Peace out everyone, take care ; )

[i_am_jan]

dirtyfrenchnovel: Thank you very much for sharing your story on this board. It sounds like a painful tale that took a lot of courage for you to put down in words.

The doctor you had sounds like he/she could have been a little more supportive. I can't imagine having to have missed a dosage of your anxiety medication and go through a medical procedure without it ... I can only imagine how traumatic that would have been - ? And being hungry waiting in a long line? That sounds so very hard to get through...!

It may not help, but I want you to know that if you made the decision to abort so as to not bring a child who you were certain was not wanted and could not be cared for into the world - then many people, myself included, do believe that you made a responsible, mature, and compassionate decision.

You do not have to feel ashamed - or guilty. Do you know that?

I remember those picketers outside the clinic too. I had to get past them and their flyers literally shoved AT MY FACE before I could get into the clinic to get medical advice and assistance. I wish they'd take those signs and go protest rape. Or the war. But they do not belong up in your life when you need to make a personal, medical decision about the goings-on in your body.

I too carried a lot of guilt around for many years. Then I realized it actually wasn't MY guilt - as I knew all along I had made a sound, responsible decision - but it was the guilt I bore for others. Others who I knew were judging me. Others who felt they had some right to choose what I do with my body and how I live my life.

If there's one thing the anti-choice movement has been successful at, it is just that: making women feel guilty. And as a result, silencing them, rendering them in many cases unable to share/let go of the trauma that ONLY THEY had to bear in the first place - ? It is not right.

That's why we are here. Yours is a story of personal survival that was hard won - and against the odds, you took care of yourself and in many ways, saved your life. You know - you can be okay with your decision. Remember that abortion is 100% legal and that a decision to have one is a legal, respectable choice. It is there for exactly the reasons that you chose it.

Anyone who tries to take away a woman's right to choose is OUTSIDE THE LAW in this country. Of course, we respect their right to make their own choices, and to picket if they want to spend their time opposing other peoples' choices. But that's as far as their rights go. It is up to an individual woman whether she chooses to go through with a pregnancy or not. And that woman is expected to be as vocal about her choice as she wants, legally and legitimately.

You have a right to be here and to work out your emotions/trauma. Your decision is supported and respected. I hope you are able to keep talking about it. And I hope you are one day able to be okay with it. Feel free to come here any time and ask any of us questions or to just vent your emotions. I agree that it helps to talk about the experience, I can't tell you how much it meant to me. Also, when we talk about things, it could help someone who is pregnant and not sure what to do just by listening to your story. Thanks again for sharing that.

[dirtyfrenchnovel]

I had an abortion 2.5 years ago. I found out at the beginning of the week and by the end of the week had already had the abortion. I just knew it was the right thing to do at that time. I was in the middle of college, my boyfriend and I had just broken up prior to me finding out I was pregnant. I was completely broke and living in my grandparents basement.
I was fortunate in that my mom went with me to the clinic and supported my decision and took care of me afterwards.
I don't regret my decision but it was traumatic. Pulling up to the clinic with all those assholes outside with signs picketing. I was completely under for the procedure which meant that I couldn't have anything to eat or drink for 12 hours before hand because of the anaesthesia. I was dehydrated, hungry and needed to take my anxiety meds but couldn't. The moment they started taking my blood I just wailed and wailed and sobbed. I just wanted it to be over and there was a long line and I had to wait for hours. When I finally got in the operating room I was clearly very upset. Not because I was having second thoughts but I was hungry and tired and worn out emotionally and I just wanted it over with. So they went to put the IV in and I'm petrified of those things so I cried some more. The doctor never even made eye contact with me and when I started crying he just yelled at the nurse to sedate me. I woke up and they tried to get me to use the bathroom and I almost fainted when I stood up. It was awful. I don't regret my decision but the whole experience was awful.
afterwards, I felt the need to "confess". I told a few friends right away, and haven't spoken a word about it to anyone again until now. I'm okay with my decision, but I know others may not be and I don't need to hear their judgements on the matter so I keep quiet so I don't have to hear the nasty things people say. But it is good for me to talk about it sometimes, I think.

[i_am_jan]

Thanks for that link Fairietails. I'm going to try and look into something locally and just find out if there is anything I might be able to help with or mobilize. Because it would be terrible for a woman who needed an abortion to have to go ahead with a pregnancy simply because she couldn't afford it.

kelkello: I remember feeling violated because my parents told all of my friends and family about my decision.

But now, I realize that many of those women have had abortions of their own. And the men have been involved with women who've had abortions. And many of the men have walked out on their own children. Or killed people in wars. Or raped people.

I know that no one is in a position to judge me.

I let others live and I expect them to let me live as well. If they don't respect my decisions, then that is a problem they have. I don't sit around worrying about their sensibilities anymore though. I take care of myself there is integrity in that.

[kelkello]

For those of you that read my story, you might remember me saying that the guy who impregnated me slammed me all over town, telling people I killed his baby. 10 years later, it came back to haunt me. Tonight I was in Barnes and Noble and saw a familiar face. A girl who dated his friend. We instantly recognized that we knew each other somehow, but couldn't figure it out. When at last the light came on, she said, "Oh, yeah, you dated D_____." And there came that knowing look. I think she wasn't being judgemental because she was the only one who seemed like a human to me afterwards. But it's so strange that 10 years later I can still be so completely floored by this decision I made. So completely taken off guard by the sheer number of virtual strangers who know so much about my private decision. So completely bewildered by his decision to make that information available to so many people. So many things out of my control. I will forever fight for the right to choose. I just don't know if I would ever choose it again.

[faerietails2]

*delurks*

I just want to say how much I admire you all and appreciate you posting your experiences. Thank you for starting this thread, jan.

Btw, there is an abortion fund (several, in fact) in the U.S., but many only pay a portion of your abortion, mostly because they're so short on funding. There's the National Network of Abortion Funds, and there are some other private funds. I have a friend who used to work at an abortion clinic, and one time I went to this discussion that all the local abortion agencies in the (Austin, TX) area put on for the public at a woman-owned bookstore. It was really interesting, and they all said that they get a lot of women asking for financial assistance on a daily basis. Sometimes they can help, sometimes they can't. But I think that network had a referral service to try and get the women some kind of financial aid.

[thepointybird]

Here in the UK, abortion is sometimes done on the national health service, but not always. I'm not sure of the ins and outs, but I think it mostly depends on your healthcare trust, which in turn is determined by where you live. But it's a good point Jan - I'm sure there must be loads of women who would prefer to terminate, but can't afford it. I must say, it's definitely a charity I would think about setting up if I had the money. And also, I'm a wee bit ashamed that I've never considered this before.....

[i_am_jan]

kel:

I hear you in regard to the wishing for a miscarriage. I remember wishing it would all take care of itself somehow too. I even heard rumors about a girl who had her boyfriend punch her in the stomach so many times so she would have a miscarriage. The sad thing is that sort of thing probably did happen at some point (shudder!!!!!!!!!!!)

I hear these stories in the news about those girls who have the baby and then dump it in a trash can and I always wonder: did they wait too long to have an abortion and then were just waiting for SOMETHING to happen? Did they not have the money for the procedure? Not knowing what to do up until the last second... And then just knowing one thing at the end: that they didn't want the baby. And there's no way they can tell anyone.

Hey, I wonder something. What if you went to Planned Parenthood and needed to get an abortion but told them you didn't have the money for it. What would they advise one to do, I wonder? Is there someplace you could turn to get the funding?

[kelkello]

I only had one option...half a valium about 10 minutes before the procedure and Advil afterwards. They talked about the twilight thing, but didn't actually offer it. In 1998, it cost $350, but mine was $400 because I was just shy of six weeks pregnant, and for some reason, that made it more difficult or risky. I didn't want to wait any longer than I had to. That six weeks was probably the most time I've ever spent in denial. I remember at various points wishing for a miscarriage or a car wreck; how sick is that? Those were bad times.

[shinyx3]

wow, jan, that is impressive that you went to school afterwards. it is amazing what we can do when we are scared of someone finding something out that will be so judged. i was pretty sick but didn't let it show as i felt i had to be the strong one. also, i remember it being pretty uncomfortable but not by any means unbearable pain or anything like that. i would have benefited from something to calm my nerves and a pain killer but i made it without with no residual pain trauma.

[i_am_jan]

I did the cheapest one too, the one Em described, I do remember that. But I think it cost me $200 here at my Planned Parenthood Clinic in my state.

In case anyone would be curious, I personally do not remember feeling any pain, just a certain pressure that could easily be imagined for a vaccuum procedure.

I actually went back to school afterwards, hard to believe now, but I was trying not to get parents involved and I knew skipping school would bust me out. But I did have people tell me there was blood showing on the back of my pants by the end of the day, as there is bleeding afterward, an expected part of the procedure.

I wonder what an abortion costs these days?

[shinyx3]

it is good that you were given the information. i know i was not and i didn't ask. and i also know i had no meds whatsoever, and this is probably because i didn't ask.

[emlikesart]

I remember when I got mine that there were three options, each one being a different price. With no anesthesia, just a little pain medication, it was the cheapest (and the only one I could afford). The second one was "twighlight" were you had like a local anesthesia, but were semi-concious. The third one, and most expensive was being on full anesthesia and being totally knocked out.

I know for me, the price was a factor, and for some reason, being totally knocked out freaks me out for this kind of thing (not for other types of sugeries though). Maybe it was some fear of the clinic being taken down by pro-lifers, and thinking that I might need to be concious if I needed to get the hell out of there fast.

I know that back in 1996, the prices were something like $150/$300/$600 for the respective procedures.

[i_am_jan]

shinyx3: Oh my god, I didn't even think about that. I too went without any sort of medication ... I remember being too afraid to ask any questions at all about anything.

This is a legal, surgical procedure. Yet there is so much silence surrounding the issue that even those of us who have to have the procedure have been hush, hush during the procedure - ?

Ladies, I agree, I think we have to keep talking. (Could that be a final step in making abortion a REAL choice??)

[shinyx3]

i aslo notice that several of us went through this procedure with out any medication. is it possilbel that this was due to ignorance on our part ans not asking because we didnot know to ask for anything? that alone shows that it is not a talked about subject. i needs to be. we as women should be informed and understand everything about what we are doing and i can say that i went reather blindly into it. it is not something we should fear asking about and i did fear asking. i am so glad this thread is here for those in the future who wan to seek info.

[Arcadia]

I also think this was a really good idea for a thread. Abortion is one of those subjects that needs so much support and yet rarely gets it.

CH - did you get the troll removed? If so, good show.
That shit was not warranted or appreciated.

[culturehandy]

Jan, I am glad that you created this thread. A place where those who have experienced abortion can come and heal and tell what needs to be told is wonderful.

p.s. trolly mctrolltroll's posts are gone.

[thepointybird]

Big love to everyone posting in here (apart from the tro$$, obviously! ). It's good we all have a place to talk/vent/share stories etc. Funny how everyone's experiences are so different, yet we're pretty much all sure we made the right choice at the time. Congrats to all those who've gone on to have wanted, cared for babies and congrats to those who've remained child-free if that is their choice. Ladies - we are the success stories of the pro-choice movement, and as such, WE F**KING ROCK!!!!

[i_am_jan]

And I think there must be some sort of "motherly" or even "humanly" instinct that kicks in to tell you when it is the wrong time to become a parent. Looking back on my situations, I can't believe how "adult" I was at 16, and making those decisions on my own. Maybe I don't give my younger self credit for knowing what was best for me then, but I am SO GLAD that I trusted whatever instinct it was to actively choose my life's path

emlikesart: Wow, thank you for coming in and sharing that with us. So - a police officer had to come with you to collect evidence from the abortion after the rape? Oh. my god ? ... I had not a clue, but yes, it makes sense that you would have to have THE COPS there. With you. At your abortion table. I can't IMAGINE the trauma of it all ... em - I am so glad you are here to tell about this. It is an amazing tale of personal survival. I did hate to hear about the rapist skipping town ... it sounds like he was never caught?

I think it's good that you have decided to talk about all of this -- I'm glad to hear it's been cathartic for you.

Since the age of 16 when I had my abortion - I had been walking around with a lot of guilt on my shoulders. But not MY guilt, as I knew I had done the appropriate thing. It was my parents' guilt that they insisted I bear about this.

For all of these years, since 16, I was silent and bore my pain alone. Again - not for me - I was silent, I guess, for everyone else. For the conservative Christians in my parents -- so as not to offend ANYONE ELSE'S sensibilities. -- When, actually, looking back - I - was the only one who'd actually gone through the trauma of it all. Becoming impregnated as a child and having to go through a medical/abortion procedure with no parental support. ? To this day, if my parents have ever been considerate of MY feelings - they have never said so. That's why the support on this board means so much to those of us who've had these experiences!

[emlikesart]

I am so glad that I came across this thread today...I had two abortions back in 1996. Since I am now at that age where all of my friends are getting married and having babies, it has really made me sit and think of the decisions I made when I was 16. I only recently put my experiences down on paper, and it was so cathartic.

Basically, I got pregnant after being sexually active for less than 6 months when I was 16. I don't remember even thinking twice about the decision to terminate. I didn't ask anyone's permission, not even the boyfriend, I just knew it was the wrong time to have a kid. Thinking back on what kind of parents we would have been makes me SO SURE that I did the right thing.

Unfortunately later that year, I was raped, and became pregnant again. The first time, I didn't tell me parents, but this second time, I had to, and I had to tell the police as well. My abortion that time was accompanied by a Police Officer, so that they could "collect" the evidence. Unfortunately, the guy who raped me skipped town, and I went through a horrible time with nobody believing me that I was really raped. Terrible circumstances, but again, I was 100% sure I did the right thing.

As I get older, I realize that had I not made those two decisions in my youth, that I would be a completely different person. Women in my family (very very large Mormon family) did not get college degrees, do not have careers, and have "settled" with just being mothers and wives. This is fine for some people, but I knew very early on that it wasn't for ME. I am unbelievably happy with my life, my career, and I recently got married to boot!

I can't stress enough how I would not have been able to do any of the things that I have done with my life had I not terminated those pregnancies.

And I think there must be some sort of "motherly" or even "humanly" instinct that kicks in to tell you when it is the wrong time to become a parent. Looking back on my situations, I can't believe how "adult" I was at 16, and making those decisions on my own. Maybe I don't give my younger self credit for knowing what was best for me then, but I am SO GLAD that I trusted whatever instinct it was to actively choose my life's path, instead of allowing nature to choose it for me.

Thank you for opening this thread. And thank you to everyone who has shared their story. There are not enough places where women can talk positively about these things. Thank you Thank you Thank you!!