[i_am_jan]

I get so stressed out over this sort of stuff it isn't funny, I think of all sorts of outcomes that may or may not happen. I know I'm thinking and reading more into the situation than what is called for, I just need to take a deep breath and relax, and not worry myself to death over things.

Well ah, tell me about it Lilac. I'm so glad the weekend is over it's not funny. It was unfortunately filled with anxiety, worry, panic attack, emotional moments/tears. First was an outing with guy I'm dating's friends. They're nice, fun...it's just my own feelings of awkwardness trying to hold me down, as usual. Then I had one of the hereinbeforementioned church outings my mom wanted me to go to. I used to always decline these. But my ma is 70 years old now, so I do it for her. Of course it puts me in harm's way with all of my catty aunts and cousins so this sort of thing literally scares the heck out of me...I have little in common and always feel like, it's just me by myself, and everyone else is all together, (and I stick out in a negative way). Anyway. It truly was bad. Crying, freaking out, taking three hours to get ready, etc. (Isn't it lovely when this sort of thing is taking up your entire weekend?) Anyway, fortunately, the guy (who knows about my prob's) was generous enough to pull together the right words to help me find it in myself to go...and of course, it wasn't half as bad as I had thrown it together in my head after it was all said and done. Wish I could just smack myself sometimes. But this time, I needed an outside-of-myself "pep talk" to be able to even go. nice.

As far as my time of the month? Oh maude, yes. This can be the one missing ingredient to take me from harmless recluse to full-blown disgruntled, anti-social person you probably want to avoid if you're at all annoying or difficult to be around, coz bitches be GRUMPY.

Meantime, in my own little world...I've been "woodshedding." This is a musical term in case some don't know, used to describe a period of time when you're really peaking on your instrument and can see yourself getting to another level if you just practice the SHITE out of the instrument for as long as you're having the motivation to do so. I've been learning soloing on my guitar and it's coming along slowly but surely, so I'm just going with it. This makes me feel really good. It's good to feel that I've something to show for all of my time spent alone. How could I possibly regret anything when I'm becoming a pretty decent musician.

Always great to read this thread and hear everybody else's thoughts on stuff.

((((Peace out everybody))))

[lilacwine13]

I've noticed I get more anti-social when I get depressed, but that isn't tied to any time of the month. Lately I've become a little scared to leave the house because of...not sure what, I'm just extremely anxious. It took a supreme effort on my part (and procrastinating for three days) to go on a camping trip.

It also took a huge effort to call someone I was friends with in high school and make plans for a get-together, possibly with a couple other people I was friends with in high school too. I felt a little weird, since I haven't talked to anyone in the area for years, but at least she sounded interested in what I've been up to. I just wish I could say I've done something more with my life, telling someone you're unemployed because you decided to chase some dream isn't fun.

I also have the feeling they might try to set me up with someone, and right now I think I want friends more than lovers. I'm really picky about who I date and friendship, for me, is much more elusive. Or maybe not, I get so stressed out over this sort of stuff it isn't funny, I think of all sorts of outcomes that may or may not happen. I know I'm thinking and reading more into the situation than what is called for, I just need to take a deep breath and relax, and not worry myself to death over things.

[rubberdollz]

/quote/rubberdollz: "When you don't drink like everyone else there is this certain point where things stop being funny and you realize how annoying the situation is" ~

this is the way I feel about LIFE IN GENERAL much of the time, LOL Okay, I'm in a cynical mood. But on a lighter note, I hope everyone is doing well and has a great weekend, will be checking in later when I have more time...
[/quote]

Well that makes me feel better knowing that I'm not alone (at least when it comes to the bar)!

Actually this whole thread has made me feel a lot better about who I am. Honestly I always thought my anti-social ways were odd and I'm surrounded by a bunch of outgoing people and maybe I'm just super boring. I'm a pretty confident person when it comes to who I am and how I am but sometimes I second guess it. I guess when I'm put into these kinds of situations it forces me to re-evaluate myself because I feel so out of the loop with everyone else.

My husband got mad at me one time because we all had gone out drinking and I ended up having 1 and then sat back and watched everyone else, he assumed I was bored and got upset that I wouldn't drink. We finally had to sit down and talk about me and drinking and how I just don't need to do it and most of the time I won't be drinking much if at all and that's just something he has to deal with because it's my choice.

Does anyone feel even more anti-social when their monthly period comes around? I've noticed that I get even more quiet and enclosed when I'm getting ready to start. No motivation.

[i_am_jan]

"You're very good at hating everything about yourself and denigrating it. Ever tried to look at your so-called flaws as a positive?

This is a good one for me to consider. (As a "recovering" perfectionist...)

Anna, you sound very hard on yourself. I have seen your pictures and your looks are one area you should not need to worry about. AT ALL. IMHO. (But I do know how difficult it is to feel that way inside.)

and this:

/quote/rubberdollz: "When you don't drink like everyone else there is this certain point where things stop being funny and you realize how annoying the situation is" ~

this is the way I feel about LIFE IN GENERAL much of the time, LOL Okay, I'm in a cynical mood. But on a lighter note, I hope everyone is doing well and has a great weekend, will be checking in later when I have more time...

[anna k]

Whenever I feel like crap about myself, which can happen a lot, because I can feel introverted and unsuccessful in my life, I remember some great quotes my friend gave me. They're nearly two years old, but they always snap me back into feeling great and mature:

"You're very good at hating everything about yourself and denigrating it. Ever tried to look at your so-called flaws as a positive? You have big breasts. Many girls pay $10,000 and have lots of pain to have the breasts you have. You're very pretty with a beautiful and regal profile, a great body, a shyness, and an intriguing intellectual look with a brain back it up. As the fashionistas say, work it bitch!"

"btw, do you KNOW how many men dream of the volupuous librarian look? The sexy intellectual girl? But most of all the confident girl who doesn't need them will make them whimper and wonder how to get you to need them and it will work for you and the boys will be coming to you. Then you will get to decide if you actually give a shit anymore."

That advice makes me feel so sexy and beautiful and special.

And whenever I feel like hell about my past mistakes with boys, I look at what she wrote me:

"It's not them you want to show off to though, it's you. It's your own hurt and insecurities that you want to soothe. You should start looking at it like that. Mama's right, you shouldn't think about what you did wrong or did right. That's in the past and you have a big wide future full of people who are just as, if not more, interesting than these guys, who you'll get along with just as well if not better."

"And btw, you keep faulting yourself for being a socially shy nerd, and yet you've told me how you see their myspace blogs mentioning how unhappy THEY are. Is it possible that YOU weren't the one at fault and YOU weren't were the one who was the socially awkward nerd? Maybe they were. Maybe it stayed platonic because they're the big geeks with no balls. It's time to switch around your thinking hon. You're living in a well you've already climbed out of."

That makes me feel so much better, and reminds me of being post-17 and being called pretty and not knowing how to deal with it or with flirting, and feeling so awkward back then, and not knowing why this really popular kid who was the big man on campus shut up whenever I spoke to him or would just stare at me at times. I can laugh to myself, thinking "Was I really that disarming? Hah!"

interesting how so many of us have the misconception that being a reserved/thoughtful/quiet/homebody equals old. i struggled with that something huge when i was younger. being close with my teachers and not really identifying with anyone my age, left me feeling too serious and boring. so i of course rebelled and found that a lot of my silly/immature behavior simply wasnt me. i'm glad i tried it out though, so i that i know myself better... but i think a lot of introverted-shy types could really benefit from seeing the positives in our personality types, rather than try to be something we're not. like angiepoo said

:

I feel old at my age, because I switched schools and grew up in my early twenties at a NYC commuter school, not having my college peers, and just doing a lot of things to grow and mature, so I feel old now at nearly 25, yet not with my dream career.

[rubberdollz]

i like going to bars, but not for the sake of the bar.. i go for the music, for the environment, for my friends, than for the alcohol. that is awesome. that's why i stick with a specific vibe i know i can get down with.. generic bars annoy the crap out of me. the pick up scene in general is so contrived. it's understandable lovemypugs that you would want nothing to do with them. if you and your man are happy with your movies, your mini-adventures and love your doggies, why bother going into a noisy, smoky bar just to go out.

You know I have a friend who always says, you don't have to go to the bar to drink you can go just to hang out. This was one of the things she said to get me to go friday, but honestly for me the bar isn't even the type I would want to go to even if I thought it might be fun. To sit around with a bunch of chicks I don't know who are drinking and then I would sit there and not drink and then it's the constant asking... are you going to drink? Why aren't you drinking? Come on don't you want a drink? It gets annoying so like Knorl05 said... it is very counterproductive. It's better to not go and waste my time and others time as well. I find that if I'm at home, yeah I can get laundry done or some cleaning (which never seems to end!) or hang out with my dog and husband.

Hey Knorl05 I noticed that you are from Detroit right? Where abouts? I live in Ferndale.

[knorl05]

interesting how so many of us have the misconception that being a reserved/thoughtful/quiet/homebody equals old. i struggled with that something huge when i was younger. being close with my teachers and not really identifying with anyone my age, left me feeling too serious and boring. so i of course rebelled and found that a lot of my silly/immature behavior simply wasnt me. i'm glad i tried it out though, so i that i know myself better... but i think a lot of introverted-shy types could really benefit from seeing the positives in our personality types, rather than try to be something we're not. like angiepoo said:

I feel too much like I'm not being myself and hate that no one likes me how I am normally because I don't try to put on a show like most people seem to. There doesn't seem to be many people out there who want real friendship without all the unnecessary drama.

that's huge with me too: developing real relationships with people centered around sentiments over sensationalism. not to say that i dont enjoy excitement in my relationships, just that i find it in more substantial ways than through superficial interests.

i like going to bars, but not for the sake of the bar.. i go for the music, for the environment, for my friends, than for the alcohol.

When you don't drink like everyone else there is this certain point where things stop being funny and you realize how annoying the situation is.

that is awesome. that's why i stick with a specific vibe i know i can get down with.. generic bars annoy the crap out of me. the pick up scene in general is so contrived. it's understandable lovemypugs that you would want nothing to do with them. if you and your man are happy with your movies, your mini-adventures and love your doggies, why bother going into a noisy, smoky bar just to go out.

pers.grrl and i_am_jan made great points about getting involved in community activities. doing volunteer work. trying to make a difference. getting ourselves out of a funk by interacting with people/places/things. i think we all crave deeper connections with others, so that we dont go through life isolated and numb, regurgitating what we see around us. but maybe that's just me.. and i think that leads to my impatience with others lilacwine, because i feel they are totally clueless and inconsiderate. then i check myself and realize i'm not perfect either.. and getting frustrated with them is more a negative to me than it is to them. so i've found impartial indifference to work wonders.

i think if the activity (ex: going out drinking at a bar) is counterproductive, then what's the point of doing it?

[anna k]

I don't like bars. I don't drink much, and can't stand crowds or noise, and not being able to speak to someone and feeling overwhelmed or lonely.

I can entertain myself, but then there are times when I just want to talk to someone, hang out with someone, and there is nobody around to do that with.

Me too. I would want some intimacy of just hugging my dream guy to sleep, just to feel warmth and comfort. Except that whenever I've been with guys, I've rarely felt really comfortable touching them or kissing them, that kind of intimacy doesn't come easily to me.

[lilacwine13]

I like to drink, but I would rather have a couple beers than get plastered, and I'd rather go to someplace quieter, like a coffee house or a park, to talk than to go to a bar. They are too noisy, and they do get boring after a while, not to mention expensive.

Persimmon_girl, I know what you mean about putting out vibes that you want to be alone, I have the feeling I do that too. And I can be fine alone, I can entertain myself, but then there are times when I just want to talk to someone, hang out with someone, and there is nobody around to do that with.

Rubber, I know plenty of people who are able to party the night before and be fine the next day, not sure how they do it either, the times I've tried it failed. And there's nothing wrong with not wanting to go out, even it's your birthday. My 30th birthday was spent at work and attending a lecture on archaeology, which is incredibly dorky.

Recently I've been feeling depressed and it's been feeding my desire to be alone, to isolate myself from the rest of the world, even though that's the last thing I should be doing. However, I find myself to have very little patience with everyone, so I'm afraid that if I do talk to someone, I'll end up sounding like a complete and utter bitch, which will isolate me even more. Most people don't know what is going on in my life, and trying to explain to them makes my problems sound stupid, and I should be grateful for the good stuff, etc. I am, but at the same time, I miss living in a city, I wish the job I'm interviewing for is something in my field, and I know things could have been better had I planned things differently.

[girltrouble]

It's weird but I often feel paralyzed to one spot in public places. Like I'll want to do something simple (go to the toilets, walk across to a vending machine etc) but I get too anxious and end up staying put. It's pretty much ridiculous. Does anyone else have moments like this or am I just an extreme case on ineptness:/?

this is chronic with me. i know it's common among trans people in general to be skiddish about bathrooms. sometimes mr. trouble will ask me if i have to go to the bathroom, but even when i do i say no. i HATE, HATE, HATE going into public restrooms, i HATE leaving the table that i am at at a restaurant-- i get super conscious about everything, how i walk, how i look, everything. what is worse is sometimes she thinks goading me into doing things is helping....no matter how many time i explain it to her, she is just like, why don't you just go? but i live in fear of going into the women's restroom and getting called out. ugh. i feel sick just thinking about it.

[persimmon_grrrl]

knorl05 and i_am_jan,

just a quick note that i read your replies, and thanks! i'm off to bed soon, spent a lot of time cooking and prepping a lot of veggies that were languishing in the fridge.

more later.

hugs to everyone and their awesome set-ups, especially to the folks who get this equation: bars = boring.

i neither drink nor smoke, and it just makes a person my age seem...different. i'm okay with it, and i'm sure there are other things to do. i became more self-conscious about it, though, after being around people who thought i didn't know how to have fun, couldn't dance (i can), and labeled me "teetotaler". whatevs.

ex and oh,
pg

[i_am_jan]

Ugh.. sorry about the rant ladies!

No! not at all... the drinking/bars thing sentences *all* of us non-drinkers to a life of social imprisonment before we even begin! It seems that no one wants to do SHIT except go to the bar and get drunk! It's actually quite frustrating, to think that alcohol could be the conduit missing from your social relationships~?

[rubberdollz]

It's weird but I often feel paralyzed to one spot in public places. Like I'lll want to do something simple (go to the toilets, walk across to a vending machine etc) but I get too anxious and end up staying put. It's pretty much ridiculous. Does anyone else have moments like this or am I just an extreme case on ineptness:/?

Hey Starship! I know exactly how you feel! Sometimes when my husband and I would go to the bars I would have to pee super bad. I would have to scope the whole scene out before making my exact move to the bathroom. I thought I was weird. If there were too many people hovering around me I would stay, but if the crowd broke up and I saw my opening I would bolt for the bathroom. Now me peeing in a public restroom is a feat in itself, I hate them!

The night of one of the concerts we went to, I didn't get home until super late and I had to work the next morning... I felt like I was beat down. I couldn't believe I stayed out until midnight and had to work early the next morning. That was so hard getting through my day at work. My friend I went with ended up getting trashed and managed to go to work the next day and I really don't know how she did it? I didn't drink anything (also so I wouldn't have to go to the bathroom) but also thinking of what my day at work would be like the following day.

To tell all you ladies the truth I really thought that my introvert ways was far and few, but you guys have really given me hope that wanting to relax at home and chill, watch movies is not abnormal! My friend is a huge extrovert and I just don't get her social ways. I know what I like and enjoy doing and when I don't want to go to a bar I don't, but sometimes I feel like I'm in some kind of battle with the extroverts in my life who are always trying to get me to go out.

My friend is having this "get together" at the bar this friday. She wants a whole bunch of her girl friends to join up and drink. I was invited and really dreaded the whole experience and I haven't RSVP'd but she finally asked me the other day and I told her no. I just don't feel like being at the bar with a bunch of people I don't know drinking, it sounds boring... but then I'm sure thinking of me sitting at home watching the ol' boob tube isn't the most exciting thing she has heard either.

I am turning 30 in a few weeks here and everyone wants to know what I want to do which is really great. Except that I see a drinking fest for everyone else but me. When you don't drink like everyone else there is this certain point where things stop being funny and you realize how annoying the situation is. I told my husband that I'd rather go to my tattooist for the day then head out for some dinner and go home. Who needs the bar! My birthday isn't about making everyone else happy and having a get together with the few friends I have is what it will become... about them.

Ugh.. sorry about the rant ladies!

[angiepoo]

(((((rubberdollz)))))
I couldn't agree more. A few weeks ago I smoked pot for the the first time in years...YEARS!! I also got drunk. I felt like shit the next day and vowed never to drink or smoke again. I also can't eat late at night anymore. I miss the old days of staying up late drinking and then going out for food and going to bed so late and sleeping in late. Now if I go to bed late I still get up early. I'm so used to getting up at 4:30 a.m. for work. We recently bought these black out blinds for our house. We say we want to block out the street lights but really I want to block out the world. I too feel so old. I'm only 26 and Mr. Pugs is 28. We should be living it up right? No, we do laundry, eat in, and watch movies in comfy clothes on the couch. We don't like people. We like our dogs. We get excited to go to Lowes or Home Depot. Grocery shopping is great. What are we going to eat for the next few weeks? *squeal* Dorks we are... it's sad.

Sounds exactly like me and my "husband" but we have a cat and a rabbit
He's at work tonight so I'm hiding in the house avoiding people as usual. Only once in a while we'll go crazy and go out to a pub for a drink or dinner but we're pretty happy at home most of the time. He plays cards with a few guys once a week. I haven't gone out with anyone since the winter, I went skiing once with a co-worker and that was enough.

I feel too much like I'm not being myself and hate that no one likes me how I am normally because I don't try to put on a show like most people seem to. There doesn't seem to be many people out there who want real friendship without all the unneccesary drama.

[i_am_jan]

maybe i've been putting out messages, in the recent past, to leave me alone, that i want to be solitary, and that i can't be bothered with other people. i know why i did that, and i've been alone now. now, i would really love to be more open and more alive in the world. i feel like i have a stable enough foundation to actually hold space for other people in my life.

i want to drop my judgmentalism that seems to distance myself from other people, but also not compromise or lower my expectations, and still respect myself. i often end up respecting myself, but that means i'm frequently spending my time alone. it's nice to be focused, but it's also nice to have chums.

Tell me about it. This articulates my feelings pretty much in a nutshell. I must admit that I've put out the signals to people to leave me alone...that I wanted to be by myself. Persimmon, you say you "know why you did that." I have to ask myself why I did it. I think it's because for a very long time, I didn't know who I was without other people. I had always had people in my life who would "lead me" into every single thing I did (controlling parents, boyfriends (not controlling ~ certainly would never have allowed THAT, LOL), so I wanted to find my passions. It so happens my passions have led me to a place where I'm by myself. But this thread is helping me to figure out my history, and I feel like I'm at a point where I know where I've been and how I got there, so now I can start visualizing a new direction. I do feel more open to friendships/relationships, now that I realize I've been closed in the past. This is positive, *sigh*

I really want to say thank you ((((huge hugs)))) to the articulate, generous women in this thread who share enough to help us all sort things out in our heads...it's made this whole issue soooo much less intimidating than it was when I was in it alone (persimmon girl: your recent posts in particular truly have helped me tons and I am thinking about some sort of community service as well. I've been thinking about the elderly care facility across the street and thinking about asking my neighbor who manages the place if I could come play my guitar/sing for the folks there, that would make me feel good and also be a way to "branch out". It would also help to break down my shyness in an environment of non-peers, you know? I'll report back with my findings of course.

anna k: Your life sounds exactly like mine. Filled up with learning, working, absorbing, practicing, reading ... very disciplined. Yet, when do I get to lose control? when will I have belly laughs with people I really, really like again?

[starship]

I'm 20 and wish I was olddd(er) just so that my social choices would seem more normal, or at least acceptable in other people's eyes. Yesterday was told once again what a girl my age 'should' be doing. I pretty much told them to bite me. (which I felt bad about and apologised today). but boy does it piss me off...& Pugs- I think your little set-up sounds like bliss.
Hi rubberdollz:). It's weird but I often feel paralyzed to one spot in public places. Like I'lll want to do something simple (go to the toilets, walk across to a vending machine etc) but I get too anxious and end up staying put. It's pretty much ridiculous. Does anyone else have moments like this or am I just an extreme case on ineptness:/?
My new inept friend has helped a bit. He doesn't drink/like clubs/enjoy social situations. He likes staying in to watch dvds/reading in parks/staying in. eeeeee
love to you all...

[anna k]

I went to 2 concerts recently for some unknown reason and they were horrible! So many people everywhere!!! I actually got nervous and didn't know what to do? I had to pee but I don't like going into crowded public restrooms so I stayed in my seat and thanked god when the show ended so I could go home and pee. Is that sad or what?

Same here. I went to a concert a couple of months ago and enjoyed the music, but felt claustrophobic with too many people standing around me, watching couples dance or make out, and shrinking myself to let people pass. It just felt like too much for me.

I'm going to be 25, and I can feel old. I don't party, I don't drink or smoke, I don't have sex a lot. I can feel like a nerd for those things. I enjoy listening to music, watching movies, going to dance class 1-2 times a week, working out with weights, and writing various things, be it reviews for publication or about my Asperger's. My co-worker is the same way, a young woman who doesn't party or drink, loves to read (she told me about an old Icelandic novel that she's digging), was involved in a puppet performance with friends, and has a great knowledge of history. I prefer those brainy, creative types to the "performance art" types in Williamsburg who seem in love with themselves and create crappy work.

Saturday I work, then at 6 my older sister wants to go out to a resturaunt with me and my brother, then see a movie, and we should be expected to come home at midnight or 1 am. Then I have to wake up at 8 am to get ready for work on Sunday. I'm not looking forward to coming home so late and dealing with her as a guest crititiquing my Astoria basement studio apartment, but she's having some difficult times, so I have to give her a good time to make her happy.

[girltrouble]

*delurks*

oh pugs, that's not old, you just know who makes you happy and what makes you happy. consider yourself lucky. some people do the drinking etc, just cos they are bored. me and my ex would get all excited about going to the local home depot because they had a little hot dog shed right outside of it, we'd get all riled up screaming " depot dog! depot dog! depot dog! depot dog!" but the thing was we probably had more fun doing the dumbest stuff than all these other people getting drunk etc. and if it makes you happy, then enjoy that. granted i'm waaaaaay older than you and the mr. but i'm really loving going to city parks with the puppy monster, working on shoring up mr. t's chicken coop, and chicken run, she loves tending her garden and watching her chickens for hours. i'd rather watch a good movie, than pretty much do anything (really. i'm horrible). last weekend we were invited to a bbq, what did we do? we took the puppy monster to a great new park, watched a movie, and straightened my hair. you know what? i had so much fun!

life isn't much fun if you spend it doing what other people want. it's your life. do what makes you happy.

ps, i've been trying to get stuff done on a project, but don't get anything done till after 1 am. i'm up till 4:30ish, and i wake up at 6-7. blech.....

*relurks*

[LoveMyPugs]

(((((rubberdollz)))))

God... I feel like I'm getting old and more anti-social.

I couldn't agree more. A few weeks ago I smoked pot for the the first time in years...YEARS!! I also got drunk. I felt like shit the next day and vowed never to drink or smoke again. I also can't eat late at night anymore. I miss the old days of staying up late drinking and then going out for food and going to bed so late and sleeping in late. Now if I go to bed late I still get up early. I'm so used to getting up at 4:30 a.m. for work. We recently bought these black out blinds for our house. We say we want to block out the street lights but really I want to block out the world. I too feel so old. I'm only 26 and Mr. Pugs is 28. We should be living it up right? No, we do laundry, eat in, and watch movies in comfy clothes on the couch. We don't like people. We like our dogs. We get excited to go to Lowes or Home Depot. Grocery shopping is great. What are we going to eat for the next few weeks? *squeal* Dorks we are... it's sad.

[knorl05]

(((persimmon_grrrl))) what's amazing is that you realize, as i've realized, that so much of our social interactions are affected by our own moods. i've got to get ready for work right now, but i just wanted to say that i dig your perspective.

rubberdollz: welcome! nanu nanu.