[rubberdollz]

whatever happened to sleepovers, slumber parties, and having friends within walking distance? sigh.
[/quote]

Oh my lord I totally second that question!!! I remember being a kid and having friends over or spending the night at friends homes and it was great. You stayed up and munched on snacks and talked and played video games or rode your bike for hours and it seemed like your energy was limitless.

Now I get tired early. I wake up early. I go to bed early. I hate being in places where there are large crowds of people, I like small intimate get togethers... or not togethers.

It seems like the only thing people do when they get older is stay home or drink. I don't mind staying home because then I don't have to deal with society as a whole, but the drinking I just don't care about. Who wants to be in some smokey bar with loud people drinking. People think they are funny when they are drunk and it's just not anymore. God... I feel like I'm getting old and more anti-social.

I went to 2 concerts recently for some unknown reason and they were horrible! So many people everywhere!!! I actually got nervous and didn't know what to do? I had to pee but I don't like going into crowded public restrooms so I stayed in my seat and thanked god when the show ended so I could go home and pee. Is that sad or what?

Talk about socially inept dork. I'm shocked my husband hasn't left me yet because I'm socially dorked out!

[persimmon_grrrl]

so, i am at home on a saturday night, after being out all day. i did nice things for myself like treating myself to a very long massage. it was really, really relaxing.

but, i still felt a little lonely and i called friends, but they are either out of town or didn't get my messages in time, so i spent the day alone, amongst people.

it's making me feel batty!

i don't mind being alone, but i've already proven this to the universe: i can be alone and be content, happy, and absorbed in whatever i'm doing. yes, i can be alone and survive and do well. but i want to be around people now, and i want company and intimacy in my life. i feel like i lack a truly loving, emotional connection with anyone in my life right now, and i feel wicked frustrated.

dear universe: i've learnt how to entertain myself, and be alone for long stretches of time and still function. so, please bring more people into my life about whom i care, whom i love, and help me create lasting relationships that grow reciprocally, that inspire my spiritual, physical, psychological, emotional growth. maybe i've been putting out messages, in the recent past, to leave me alone, that i want to be solitary, and that i can't be bothered with other people. i know why i did that, and i've been alone now. now, i would really love to be more open and more alive in the world. i feel like i have a stable enough foundation to actually hold space for other people in my life.

dear universe: i know that i've wanted to be alone, and that i've tended/i tend to isolate myself. but it only goes so far. i see that everything must be counter-balanced. i could use some of that right now.

PS: a serious question is what can I do where I am being a part of my community and helping out in some way, in a way that is sustainable and where I don't feel overextended, used or burnt-out by the needs of a said activity (say, volunteering, doing work that's unpaid, etc.)?

does anybody do anything as a project on the side (meaning not a day job - altho if it were, that'd be great, too) that directly benefits other people in their lives, communities, and do they have suggestions for me? I want to remind myself that I am a part of the world and have qualities that are of service, in my greater desire to be of use in the world, not used, but using my own qualities in a way that is helpful to people, and helping me be a better person.

i want to drop my judgmentalism that seems to distance myself from other people, but also not compromise or lower my expectations, and still respect myself. i often end up respecting myself, but that means i'm frequently spending my time alone. it's nice to be focused, but it's also nice to have chums.

whatever happened to sleepovers, slumber parties, and having friends within walking distance? sigh.

[knorl05]

freckleface7: if you really were a "horrible" person/friend, then you wouldnt feel bad over it. meaning. dont beat yourself up over doing something you feel is best for the situation. you have your reasons and you dont need to justify your actions to anyone. if she were a friend who was providing what you want or need in a relationship, you wouldnt have distanced yourself from her. sometimes people part ways in life and that's just how it is. xxxo. if you had pisd on her dog or terrorized her kids i might think differently of you, but you've done nothing 'wrong' so try not to worry so much about it.

[anna k]

Thanks knorl. That felt really good to read.

thirtiesgirl, that reminds me of my sister, who, unlike a friend, I can't get rid of. She had little ambition in her life, let herself be ruled by her depression and myriad of eating disorders, graduated with honors from college yet didn't do anything to further her career, and just wasted five years of her life. She became really overweight and lived with my parents for a year, losing weight and getting her mind together. She's thinner now and is working a job she doesn't like, and I feel guilty that I don't enjoy spending time with her because she doesn't have a lot of interesting things to talk about. She's living with my grandma and hates feeling immature at 27, and I feel guilty because although I finished college and have a job, my parents are paying my rent for a studio basement apartment in Queens while I pay my bills. I had lived with my grandma for four months last year and felt cooped up, so I know what it feels like. But I can't do anything to change her situation, so I feel guilty and bad for her when she tells me how much she hates it. She also wants to hang out with me a lot, but I feel like I'm doing her a favor rather than enjoying her company like a good friend.

Sometimes I want to blow up at her too, to snap at her that I have my own life, that she should not depend on me to entertain her and invite her into NYC to be her tour guide (she's never learned the subway system or streets, and always makes the same dumb comments about being so lost, nevermind having grown up on Long Island and been to NYC countless times), to grow her ass up and stop whining so much, and to not insult me out of jealousy. Like when I told her that someone said I looked like Drew Barrymore, and she went, "No, you don't," out of jealousy and spite that I may resemble a beautiful movie star. Or I don't tell her about any sexual things I've done because they've been with strangers or would be "kinky" by her standards, because I don't want to be judged because she's jealous of me.

i_am_jan, I had friends who were much prettier than me, and knew it. They were often told how gorgeous they were, guys were all over them, and I felt like the nerdy ugly friend who made them look even better by comparison. The first girl was a Greek girl in high school who was nice and sweet, but falsely modest when complimented on her looks, and always had a beau. The second one was from Surinam, and was my friend in college. She was 28, and aware of her beauty and exotic allure, and was more conceited, knowing how men fell all over her. She would insult me in ways she found funny, like telling me my hair looked dried out or making fun of me not wanting to show off my big breasts, of which she wanted implants like. She made me feel unhappy and ugly, and I stopped hanging out with her.

[freckleface7]

Freckle: I agree with thirties girl, the get-well card is a good idea and thoughtful without being committal.

After hinting around a couple times the best I knew how, I decided I didn't have the energy it would take for this one-sided relationship.

If anything, ***I think it's cool that you spent a nice chunk of time considering her today.***

((((everyone)))))

= sorry= I wrote a refernce response but my computer is acting up so my words got eaten when I hit Post Reply.

my inital response to the *** was ' yah, but not in a Good Way at all!'
I obsessed. overanalyzed. over thought. :/ sometimes it's not just the 'trying to be With people' that makes us socially challenged apparently, it's the doing without them as well. when I first consciously became aware of a Toxic Friend & knew I needed to extricate myself, I was upfront about it. I went to her face to face said ' hey- this is how I am feeling and this is Why. I think you're great in a lot of ways but not all the stress and drama you bring into my life so for my own sanity, I need to not talk to you for awhile.' (which yes, has gone on to this day; except I did see her last year when her ex husband died and I went to the memorial. up to then other mutual friends tried reuniting us but I wasn't willing bc some leopards don't change their spots.)
maybe it's a Confrontation Avoidance issue? (note to self* add to list to work on in therapy, lol)

I will send the card, signature only, Sans a return address mailed from as far away from our house as I can find a mailbox; and let her think what she may; she knows our lives are kind of crazy now anyway. hopefully she'll be so wrapped up in her mr's recovery she won't notice?
( & yes, I'll screen calls regardless)

thank you Busties, I feel a little less scummy now.

[i_am_jan]

Freckle: I agree with thirties girl, the get-well card is a good idea and thoughtful without being committal.

Also, having had some bad "friends" in my life before, I too can honestly say you are not acting like a scumbag or a bad person. The "railroading" during conversation you speak of can be quite serious. I had a "friend" like that once who never listened to me. She would go on for literally hours, I'm a pretty good listener so I let people talk until they're finished, was genuinely interested in what she should tell me about herself ~ but then, when it was my turn to talk, it was clear she wasn't listening or hearing me when she would come right in at the trail end of my sentence and begin a new subject relating back to herself. I remember feeling like, even after all the time we had spent together, I never felt like she knew me or had ever "considered" me. She began to get on my nerves because she talked A LOT, but would not reciprocate, treating me as more of a "sounding board". After hinting around a couple times the best I knew how, I decided I didn't have the energy it would take for this one-sided relationship.

If anything, I think it's cool that you spent a nice chunk of time considering her today.

((((everyone)))))

[freckleface7]

thirtiesgirl-
see the thing is, I wanted a Long time ago to end the friendship, but just literally didn't have the balls.
it is not so unusual for she & I in the past to play phone tag as I used to be ( & have allowed to her continue to think) uber busy but the bottom line is: I don't want her in my life anymore.
she has a good heart and it kind of vexes me that she irritates me so much now.. bc I have a lot of other diverse friendships that are enriching but this one just Isn't.
I know that to tell her Now would be utterly shitty, and so I won't, and I Have thought about sending her mr a card (tho the 'speedy recovery' I picture w/ a little race flag & stop light & considering it was a motorcycle accident seems in corny bad taste, even though it made me giggle )
so maybe that's what I'll do. send it to the hospital & not even sign an inscription, just our family last name ' the Jones's. '
if that provokes a call (tho maybe she'll be hurt & won't?) then I'll screen yet again, but at least will have expressed what I feel, that I DO feel bad this has happened and hope he recovers quickly (but am not offering any assistance, only concern).


yes?

thanks for your great idea thirties, we're really glad you've joined us here.

[thirtiesgirl]

Freckle, you're not a scumbag to be mad at your friend. I can really identify with your anger about the fact that your friend doesn't seem to recognize your feelings at all. I had a close friend for 10 years who behaved in much the same way. Things culminated when, during the last year of our friendship, I let her couch surf at my apartment while she looked for a job and a place to live in LA. She'd been gadding about all over the country in the years prior, trying out one whim after another, and none of them proved successful. I was the "ant" (if we're using the ant & the grasshopper metaphor here) who stayed in one place, worked on my career, and had a place to live - with parking. So she decided to come back to the 'big, bad city' and needed a friend, and I was it. She overstayed her welcome, stayed out until all hours of the night and then forgot to deadbolt my front door when she came in, like I'd asked her to. She went on job interviews she was perfectly qualified to do, but wasn't interested in any of them and always found something wrong with either the people or the place where she'd be working. I then introduced her to some of my friends who she hadn't met before. As soon as she felt comfortable, she also used them as couch surfing buddies, overstaying her welcome and inviting herself back for longer stays, so that one of my friends finally had to ask her not to come back (which she hated doing and felt like an awful person).

...Anyway, POINT being, rather than speaking up and telling my friend of 10 years what I thought of her behavior, I kept it bottled up until I finally exploded over the phone with her. The final straw came when she shorted out my blow drier because she was too lazy to walk down to the street and get hers out of her car... and then she was scheduled to show up for a group dinner with friends I had planned near Thanksgiving, and she completely disappeared off the face of the earth. Only to call me two days later and say she just *had* to get out of town and go hang out with friends in San Francisco, sorry she missed my dinner, etc. (Ok, yeah, that was *two* straws, but I just thought I'd throw the blow drier thing in there because it STILL pisses me off to this day. My blow drier is my second favorite appliance in the house...the first being my, um, personal massager.) So I finally let her have it, all that pent up anger at her behavior, told her off, said my piece, had my say. I wasn't exactly yelling, but I wasn't exactly using helpful I-messages either (you know, "I feel mad when you use my blow drier without asking," that kind of thing). And I was pretty accusatory. So she said, "Man, Thirtiesgirl, you are SUCH a control freak, JUST LIKE YOUR MOM." GAH!!! I say, and Gah! again. I'm JUST LIKE MY MOM?!? How dare you!

I hung up the phone on her, and that was it: the end of our friendship, never to be heard from again. (Well, yeah, I did find out a few years later that she'd bumped into an ex-boyfriend of mine who also lives in LA and said some not so nice things about me to him. Which is a really shitty thing for anyone to do to someone else, even an ex-friend, but it just shows how deeply angry she was at me, and that, in the long run, she was never a very good friend.)

...SO, my grand plan with all this blather was to try and explain that keeping things bottled up is never a good idea with friends and can, from my experience, cause more damage in the long run. My recommendation is this: I might send a get-well card to your friend's husband in the hospital (I mean, regardless of your feelings about motorcycles, it's still a pretty scary thing to have so much healing to do). I'd wish him a speedy recovery, and include a message for your friend simply stating "I'm sorry you're going through this," or something similar. It expresses your feelings without being committal, and lets your friend know that you care. I certainly wouldn't recommend saying or writing anything like "I'm there for you if you need me." That sounds like it would only open up the door for further abuse of your good nature by your friend and her children. But I think it could be valuable for your friend and for you to send the card and just let her know that she and her husband are in your thoughts. You're not a scumbag, you're not a bad person. You're just dealing with a person who doesn't know how to be a good friend to you.

[freckleface7]

all of my current issues aside (which I am improving on nearly daily for the most part).. I am a *terrible person*.
don't try to argue with me about it, I AM.

a long time ago I posted about deciding to dx a friend that I felt/knew I had outgrown, the one with the kids that she let climb all over our furniture & when I could no longer stand it & said something, turned around & made ME the bad guy to the kid, and who also then Would. Not. LEAVE.
well anyway, I put her # into my phone for the sole express reason that she'd come up in my caller Id as she got by me once before that & I answered & it was akward (not that she noticed I don't think) and well you know?

so have not heard from her sinse, a few months now, till today: she calls, frecklette see's it's her " Mom it's ___ !! answer it Answer it!" (bc frecklette is a little shit sometimes & wanted the computer for herself, lol) but I don't, and wait, and sure enough she's left a voice message, but, her husband has been in a really Bad motorcycle accident. he's going to be ok I believe, no internal injuries, but lots and Lots of broken bones. they have 2 young kids & pets and all.

I am not going to call her back.

I feel like if I do, I'll get roped into doing stuff that even when I am "normal" I am so extreeeeeeemly LOATHE to do and right now?
not a chance but she's not the kind of person who would understand that ( & tends to railroad right over whatever you say), and I am not going to go through trying to explain it to her (as I don't want her knowin' my business now) so I'm just not going to call.
even though there is no doubt she needs help & I might normally bend my own rule but I just can't.
that I recall awhile ago a coversation I had w/ her & her husband when he talked about wanting to get a bike & I mentioned that A) they are dangerous (tho I really like them & wish I had one myself) B ) they have 2 crap cars held together by ductape as it is and if they had That kinda money seems like maybe they'd.. well, yanno? and then C ) they have 2 small kids & it just seemed like a really stoopid thing over all but that's just me being totally judgmental & was none of my business whatsoever. ( & I did say those things ever so genteely) a part of me kinda feels like 'stupid gets what stupid deserves' as mean as that sounds to say.

tell me I am the world's biggest scumbag?

= sorry to interrupt the current discussion, I think I just needed to kvetch my guilty conscious.=

[persimmon_grrrl]

i_am_jan: thanks for the props! i'm glad that i sent out some good energy to people. back when i lost my cynicism about SATC and watched it for the first time, i actually found it comforting, like, "oh, so this is how *normal* people socialize". Ha, ha.

knorl05: thanks for your thoughts! i really want to have trust and faith in my ability to really create the life that i want. i believe it takes a certain amount of courage, faith, and trust to really know that what i really care about, what i want to create in my life, is possible, and that it takes persistence and effort. sometimes it's terrifying, sometimes it's exhilarating, but whatever the emotions arise, it's necessary in order for me to feel like a human being who has a consciousness and a sense of purpose.

yay to the all of the awesome creative, artistic, and fly busties in this thread.

[knorl05]

love how we all seem to have the same interests: music, art, books, etc... creative pursuits that we can do alone if need be.

anna k: glad you liked the music. oh and i send you much virtual love, support, and respect for the struggles you've had in life. you've accomplished a lot with yourself whether or not you realize it. try not to look at the quality of your life by social norms/expectations ("I've felt frustrated about not having a ton of friends, not having a successful career, and feeling like everything in my life is work.")... a good friend once said to me, 'it matters who you are, not what you do.' and that's true. we all work for essentially the same reasons, if we are lucky enough to land a dream job, we're ahead of the game. continue to follow your passion, your interests, and the things you love.. at 25 it's natural to be uncertain as to the direction of your life, just stay focused on the good of your life and attempt to create more of the same. you've got a lot going for you, and i think it's important you realize that.

persimmon_grrrl: this here... "and i am just open to new friends, and also to creating a life that is conscious and not just out of survival mode." LOVE it. that's the thing i'm highly concerned with too, not living just to live. you know, i always try to make sure that i find some sort of meaning or purpose to most things i do. i think it's good to keep that intention in mind.

i_am_jan: i am one who has a pretty heavy disdain for the show. but it's not the show itself that i hate, it's all the girly hype that goes along with it. the consumer mentality... of the "gotta haves". i like the reasons you like it though. something to strive for: a more social and connected lifestyle. and you are completely right on that you could have it if you put yourself out there. i'm not so sure how other socially unique busties feel about the law of attraction, but i've found it to be pretty right on. i think most of us maybe feel that extending ourselves is somehow a huge endeavor, that we're supposed to be this that or the other, in order to actually be a social creature. and that's simply not true. last night i met up with one of my favorite friends who's in town on tour with his band. i hadnt seen him in years, so i was naturally super happy to hang with him. my happiness bled into the interactions i had with others, and the night turned out to be a huge social success. it was low key, hanging with 'good' peeps, and no social pretenses at all. i think that, honestly, more people feel the same way we do than they are willing to admit. i read a study somewhere that ninety percent of the general population considers themselves a shy individual. that shocked me. but i can see it to be true. i think that a lot of people cover their insecurities and uncertainties with their image, their money, their job, their 'status' (like you said, 'a "role" many people seem to play').. whatever it is they use to identify themselves. i think that too is why pop culture is what it is, not because it's really quality stuff, but because people are afraid to really be who they are because they're afraid they're not good enough.. so they follow the masses. i'm not saying it's not possible to be a completely social person, and genuinely confident in oneself, i'm just saying that i think that our anti-social tendencies are more normal than we give ourselves credit for.

oh ps. i too am a temp.

(((BOSIDs))) hehe.

[i_am_jan]

Well, here it is almost August...the summer is quickly passing by with me not having any social contact at all since early June. Just as I was getting into going out to see bands at local clubs, there stopped being any bands that I knew. And the caveat to the going out to see music plan was that if it was a band I knew...then I'd know what sort of other people to expect, you know, just because I'd seen those same folks out at tons of their other shows even though I hadn't talked to anyone. So, I sort of fell out of the social scene again. Funny how ya slip through the cracks.

I suppose it's been a good summer though...I've had lots of fun cycling along the streets and bike paths, walking around and junk. Hehe, I've read about 5 or 6 totally great books, some really funny...spent some good times with my mom and dad...niece and nephew. (haven't even been to one cookout though?...was thinking about that earlier, it's actually pretty weird)

Anyway, I was thinking tonight about how the show "Sex and the City" is totally a fantasy show for me. Not because I love expensive clothing, shoes, etc., (although I do enjoy good food and entertainment and the exciting thought of hanging out with New York City)...but it's the social aspect of the show that I totally escape into. I love to imagine myself having several fabulous friends, a gay best friend, sweet career writing a sex column, meeting different people all the time, hosting a party at my apt. where every invitee brings another friend of theirs, and so everybody meets one anothers' friends and everyone eats out after work at a super fab restaurant with cocktails...also going out with different men and having sex !

Also, I enjoy thinking of just how easy it would actually be to start a life like that...(maybe just get more positive about pop culture/music, really take a shot at meeting as many people as you could, having people over to your apartment, making socializing with others a top priority like very social people do...it's like, I know I could *do* it...it's really sort of a "role" many people seem to play, actually, it seems like...just love to ponder all of that...wonder if I'll ever want to take a stab at something like that..

anyway, I think the show is actually pretty honest about the whole social thing, too and I can respect that...like, those girls actually get rejected a lot, broken up with, as they do always put themselves "out there" socially. But they keep trying, picking themselves up and going again at relationships/friendships, etc., putting out a lots of effort. Talk about fantasy.

Anyway, I also love how Carrie and Miranda are so cynical. And I totally identify with parts of each girl on that show. Anyway, I know the show annoys the heck out of some people so I don't mean to gush about SATC here. I have seen each episode about 16 times though. (haven't seen the movie yet...the movies no longer enjoy my economic vote, the library will have it soon.)

((((((everyone)))))))

persimmongirl: *thank you*. ... for a bit of inspiration. I'm glad I read (actually a couple) of your posts today. Also, good luck with the job, I'm glad you made that first step : )

[persimmon_grrrl]

anna k: i totally hear you! I support you in applying for those inspiring jobs that you actually care about, and by which you feel challenged.

this morning, i felt really proud of myself because i applied for a job, and it was a really good feeling. i realize that i can stay somewhere and also have options within that somewhere, especially since i am always seeking to put down roots somewhere, like a big tree...

so, i feel like a dork sometimes, because lately i've been spending most of my weekends chilling with myself, and sometimes i've felt lonely, and other times it has felt reassuring. as far as the Myers Briggs type, I usually teeter between ENFJ and INFJ.

this past saturday, though, i hung out with two new friends and went to a live music show and got to dance and chat. it was hella fun, and something i haven't done in a very long time. i love meeting new people and i felt really safe and comfortable around these two folks. it's hard to find people who are *not* into drinking, and as someone who doesn't drink, bars=boredom.

so, we'll see where this goes, and i am just open to new friends, and also to creating a life that is conscious and not just out of survival mode.

i hope everyone has a really good, encouraging, eye-opening day,
pg

[anna k]

Thanks, knorl. I liked their sound, especially the Bo Diddley one. I'm at work, so I couldn't listen to a lot, but I liked their style.

[knorl05]

nothing more for now than, i love you ladies. wonder how we'd do if we all hung with eachother IRL. i think we'd prolly have a ton to talk about and share with one another, sans judgment. i know of my introverted friends, we always end up having the most worthwhile conversations and time spent together. makes everything make sense.

oh but also, just wanted to share this amazing music i discovered recently: www.myspace.com/matmos1 >>MATMOS:
awesem experimental electronica... their performance the other night was beyond mind blowing. it was such a rich experience in itself to hear them live, to see them perform, and to connect with them via their art. wow.

[anna k]

I've been feeling bad the past few days. My job is boring and not fulfilling, and I haven't had success breaking into the publishing world, so I'm looking for jobs I'd be qualified for with health insurance and better salaries. I felt like such shit at nearly 25 working for $10/hr, not feeling challenged, and feeling like a disappointment to myself. It took me five years to finish college because I had a lot of difficulties with math and science (having to take the same bio class three times, doing badly with math and philosophy) and writing appeals to be waived, using my past diagnosis as having high-functioning mild autism since I was a kid (this problem has dogged me my whole life, giving me problems in school and feeling like a dunce). I've felt frustrated about not having a ton of friends, not having a successful career, and feeling like everything in my life is work. Work to be social, work to have a decent career. I wanted to go to Lisbon this fall for my birthday, but the plane tickets are insanely expensive, and I don't want to blow all my money on it. Maybe I can take a domestic trip somewhere as a vacation for myself, because my life feels stagnant and boring, and I want to do something new and interesting.

The things in my life that make me happy are going to the gym to work out in group classes (I like using weights), taking dance classes there, which makes me feel so free and happy to memorize dance routines, getting better, and listening to music, making mix CDs and dancing around my room. I also like making myself feel pretty, like using good shampoo, wearing light makeup, eating healthy food, and enjoying myself.

It may not surprise any of you to find that I'm a drifter, job wise. Ever seen the movie "Clockwatchers"? That's it...a temp.

I've always felt like a drifter too, without a community of friends or peers. I left my college after a year and a half because I felt bored and wanted to advance my publishing prospects in NYC, so I transferred to another college. I lost contact with my friends and lived in student housing in hotels, getting some internships but not getting to be an employee there. I dated sometimes, but never found anyone I really liked (just two guys who I ended up liking more as friends because I got a brotherly feel from them). Seeing my former peers from my first college graduate ahead of me, have their college friends, get good careers, made me feel jealous and annoyed, like I wasn't graced with the good luck of having close friends and a great career, or that I took a different path and didn't do the things that most other college kids do (hook up with each other, graduate in four years, stay close with their college friends). I feel like I have so much inside of me, a great writing talent, and that I've worked hard throughout my life to be socially normal and don't want my life to feel like a waste or feel like a loser.

[i_am_jan]

I've been crazy busy with no time to bust?! so haven't been able to sneak in til now. After reading over all of the *truly fascinating* posts, (you know how you have to read every single word of every single one beginning where you left off last!), I find myself with not enough time to respond right now after all the reading...but I must say briefly, starship: I thoroughly enjoy hearing about the little details of your life, you are an interesting and surprising person; I find myself loving to hear from introverts here so much because they are sensitive and seem to be very expressive in writing, in contrast with their social lives. thirtiesgirl: I find myself going over your posts in my mind and really still digesting some of what you shared. That information was so helpful to me, there are subtle nuances you describe which really help to articulate our feelings, get them laid out, sort out what's what, what's good, what's bad, what needs to be changed, what needs to be accepted, what is confusing, etc. I relish the fact that you are a school counselor also. knorl: good question. It may not surprise any of you to find that I'm a drifter, job wise. Ever seen the movie "Clockwatchers"? That's it...a temp. Also sell antiques on ebay to supplement. In the meantime, I write music, which is what I really enjoy doing with my time, and studying. Long term, I'm really not sure. I've studied english and psychology. I'm having problems actually going anyplace careerwise as I don't want full-time office work anymore and have had such a difficult time fitting in, i prefer freelancing at this point. Long-term interests however are teaching, publishing work, helping others in some way as I love educating/leading/directing others, it's being among them/their peer I have a hard time with. Nelly: I am of the same mind when it comes to career. I too have to do something I love and don't care how long it takes me to realize it. knorl, you have asked before if I ever share my music. Funny you asked, it took me years before finally I hooked up with another shy person and he and I wrote and played together and it got me out of my musical shell so that I can perform, with much anxiety, panic attacks, etc. but again, I try to never let it completely disable me from doing what I'm set out to do, even if I suck, I do it. When I perform for others I do not do well. Also, I love the thought of YOU teaching art therapy, or teaching anything at all. / Lilac: Archeology is so very fascinating and as Nelly said, so perfect for your personality! I love it..Konfusion: oh my. sounds like another hideous instance of "too much, too soon." Boy do I hate that. I do not sit down and talk about my sex life with other couples nor do I expect them to assault my ears with tales of theirs. Unless I ever get into swinging, I will consider that an unwelcome/awkward topic of conversation. People can be shameless, but I applaud you're handling it so gracefully, (of course). Freckle: I can tell cattiness really fracks with you. It makes me so nervous just thinking of working back in an office again, I can relate so much. In my experience, when I have periods where I can't seem to go out, it actually worsens as I isolate and I feel better once I get back into things again (you probably have noticed this already) but I hope you keep feeling a bit better..also, "socially unique" is beautiful Muffy: I'm same way...When people are "the job", then you handle business. It's not even difficult, is it? You simply play the role of the teacher/director. It's completely different with friends/peers. Also, I must say your work sounds very interesting. What sort of stuff do you paint? Finally, some of you talk about living out in the country. I have to say, I did that once. Moved out to the country with my ex. I thought I'd love the solitude, but ended up hating it. I found that I actually need the companionship of my city, reclusive as I am. I felt disconnected from even "society at large" out in the sticks ~ found that I actually like and need "the background noise" around me. I totally relate to the "Sex and the City" aspect of life wherein your city is the one thing that you have been connected with ~ that you know ~ who knows YOU - who has shared your career as you walked in and out of the buildings downtown ~ who has wined and dined you and your lovers along the sidewalks and cafes ~ housed the clubs where you've gone and enjoyed the music ~ gives you the library where you do your reclusive reading ~ the streets where you walk and ride your bike ~ a place besides home where I can go and feel comfortable and "in place". Peace out for now ladies ~ enjoy!

[freckleface7]

ok so I just took the Typology Test, and scored as a ISFJ: Introverted (33%) Sensing (38%) Feeling (50%) Judging (22%).
something in the description really resonated with me
" their shyness is often misjudged as stiffness, even coldness, when in truth Protectors are warm-hearted and sympathetic, giving happily of themselves to those in need.
Their reserve ought really to be seen as an expression of their sincerity and seriousness of purpose. The most diligent of all the types, Protectors are willing to work long, hard hours quietly doing all the thankless jobs that others manage to avoid. Protectors are quite happy working alone; in fact, in positions of authority they may try to do everything themselves rather than direct others to get the job done. Thoroughness and frugality are also virtues for them. When Protectors undertake a task, they will complete it if humanly possible. "

in all my past volunteer work, that is a pretty good description of me, to the point where I think I was occassionally made fun of for my work-ethic "nooo body does it as good as Mrs T..." bc it was always So important to me that things be done the Right way.
in my defense though, this was largely working w/ military spouses, a lot of them young & inexpereinced & that One call that doesn't get made can literally, have an Enormous Impact.
so delegating, and not getting anal about tasks not completely was really difficult for me, to the point where I didn't confront people who let me down, but instead would often quietly go behind them & do it over myself.

all this is especially pertinent right now bc one of the things my therapist has assigned as "homework" was to find another volunteer project to get involved with, but only on the smallest of scales; like 30 minutes a month.
I am thinking much about re-training to teach the classes to spouses I had taught before for 5 years ( + worked marketing them as well) but this time NOT get involved w/ the drama.
it's a very *large* group of women. - I don't think I have to explain how ugly that can get to you here.
I need to be able to prepare for my classes, teach, do any after-actions- and go home.
do not pass B, do not get sent to jail. easier said than done bc on some levels I Am a very social person, but as I am finding out, maybe my type of personalilty ( i-e I don't think for the most part I am a back-stabbing bitch) isn't understood by everyone & I am better off keeping to myself.

gah. nervous & not even committed yet!
right now I am still working on getting back to feeling better (leaving the house is still challenging sometimes) but I loved the teaching, loved knowing I was making such a positive impact on these young (& sometimes not) women. my self confidence is still so shaky.. I don't trust my own judgment about much of anything so this may be a really Stupid idea bc my last expereince w/ that program wasn't great (a lot of growth-produced politics & cattiness) but if I Just focus soley on the teaching.. maybe I'd be ok?


thanks for posting those links thirtiesgirl

[thirtiesgirl]

thirtiesgirl, I've heard as that one's personality type changes, however I never took one until I was older so who knows what I was prior. I also think one tends to know themselves better as they age... so maybe one can really stop and evaluate themselves better when answering the questions in a personality assessment test?

This is true, too. I mean, I felt I knew myself pretty well at 16... as much as one can know themselves at 16. When I give the test to students, I rely on their own self knowledge, which I don't want to minimize by telling them they'll know more when they're older. ...Which is true; they will. But I generally just refer to it as maturity, without trying to minimize their personal power at the time. ...If that makes sense.

[thirtiesgirl]

And nooo, thirtiesgirl, please don't shut up. Your insight is always fascinating:)

Ok, ok! ...*blush*

Im a law student but definately dont think an actually law-based career is for me. I'm not yet sure which direction I'll go in. If I was 100% honest my ideal job would be looking after children in some way- a pre-school teacher or something. I've never really talked about it with people but it's always been an idea at the back of my head. For some reason I feel embarassed by this though?! I feel as though I've been pushed into a more 'professional' route simply because I have the capabilities...I don't mind studying as it's been beneficial for me but I can't picture myself at that level long-term

I'm a strong advocate for being happy in your job. In your off time (if you get any), I'd recommend maybe volunteering at a pre-school for a few days, just to see what it's like. Let the folks who run the pre-school know that you're possibly considering a career in the area, and hopefully they'd be willing to help you.

A friend of mine also went to law school and specialized in family law. Halfway through her school program, after doing some internships at law offices, she came to the conclusion that family law was too adversarial for her, so she decided to go into mediation (for which one also needs a law degree). She found she was much happier working with separating and divorcing couples on seeing their way through the process without too much pain and fighting. It suit her personality more.