[LoveMyPugs]

Ladies, aside from moving in with strangers there isn't anything I can do. I can't move back home with my parents and neither can he. I can't afford rent some where and still pay my portion of the bills. Living in the other room for the next six months or how ever long this is going to take just makes me miserable. I don't know what to do. Someone tell me what to do. Where do I go? Why do I have to go? That is my freaking house too. I love that house. I love MY FREAKING BEDROOM AND MY BED!! I LOVE HIM. MY DREAMS ARE SHATTERED HERE. HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND AND SEEMS LIKE HE DOESN'T CARE. I'm not giving it up every night but God Damnit I have needs too. My heart hurts and sometimes sleeping with him just makes me feel better in the moment. Plus I'm sick. I have the flu. I need rest. I'm not getting that in the guest room. I hate this whole situation but I don't have anywhere else to go. I'm not freaking leaving. I'm not the one who threw our life away. Let him move out or stay with someone. I'm not doing it. Fuck that. He's so stubborn. He's so hurtful and cold. He is a monster. If we did fix things I wonder if I'd ever be able to trust another thing he says. All these years he's made promises and I had so much love, hope and trust in our future together and this last year things have just nose dived into the abyss. It's horrible. So if I lay in his arms and just delude myself in the few hours I have with him a day for the next "x" amount of months then that's what I'm going to do. I know it's wrong. I know it's not smart but soon he'll be gone and these nights will be all I have left to keep me warm when I'm alone. I know something is going on with his friend. I know it's emotional infidelity. Don't think I don't know that. What do I do about that? What? Tell me? He listens to NOTHING that I say. Terrible thoughts go through my head on a regular basis. The therapist comes back today. We saw here twice and she supports my decision to leave if that's what I want. She wants me to come back. Here's the real shitter though, the longer I keep seeing her the less money I'll have to put away so I can move the fuck out. So I gotta deal with all of this on my own. As unhealthy as it is, it is what it is. I'm sorry to be upset but I feel so alone in this. Everyone "understands" everyone's "been there" everyone's "here if you need me". Is anyone offering a room up? NO!! Is anyone telling him what a complete ass he's being? NO!! They tell me that. Sure. They tell me he's making a big mistake. Sure but no one tells him. Because he's "the man" and if he doesn't have his shit together then they are all screwed. No one will ever stand up to him. His momma is happy as a pig in shit to be having her baby boy all back to herself. She didn't shed one tear over this in front of me. She just says, "Well, duh you guys gotta do what makes you happy." Well, non of this makes me happy. NOTHING!! Well that's just great. She can have him. This is just going down hill. I gotta go.

[kittenb]

LMP - what are you getting out of this current situation? How is it helping you with your needs now?

[roseviolet]

Ditto what GT said. It's better to move in with your parents than to stay in that poisonous atmosphere. If he can't afford the place on his own you can still pay some of the mortgage for a while without living there. Frankly, I think your sanity and the health of your spirit is worth the money you both might lose on the house. But that's just me.

And I don't buy for a minute that nothing is going on with that other woman. Maybe they haven't actually done anything physical yet, but it sounds like they're guilty of emotional infidelity. I'm not saying that men and women can never be friends - they can - but in this case it sounds like you have good reason to be suspicious. Take it from someone who was guilty of doing the same thing: if he had nothing to hide, he wouldn't be hiding anything. If they were just friends, then you & her husband would be a part of more of their plans.

I don't think you should talk to her. That won't accomplish anything. I feel sorry for her husband, though. Her behavior is doing nothing to save their marriage. I know that from experience, too.

Here's the one big HUGE ENORMOUS lesson that Mr. P & that woman need to learn: you will never fix your primary relationship if you continue to seek solace from someone outside of that relationship. To fix a relationship, you have to work within the relationship. It's a basic, simple fact but a lot of people learn this the hard way.

[girltrouble]

(((((((((((((((pugs))))))))))))

there no way you could move back with your parents?

i just think it would do you a world of good not to swim in all that stress....

you just sound so unhappy, and i think your heart could heal better away from all of that....

please, pugs...think about it....

[LoveMyPugs]

so mr. pugs and i have desided to get back together. however, not really. it's very strange. basically, we have to live together for the time being. we own our house. i'd like to sell it but he thinks we'll both end up taking a loss because we owe more on it then we could sell it for with the market being the way it is right now. we also have a loan to pay off. the loan is in his name but we got it together during a rough financial time and i'd feel bad stiffing him with it. he's still thinking about whether or not he wants kids in his future. if it turns out he doesn't then that is a deal breaker for me. so basically, we are living together, as a couple until we can actually do something about the situation. i've moved back into the bedroom. we are having sex again. we just don't talk about "it". "it" being the "kid issue" as he likes to call it. i'm not wearing my engagement ring. i'm trying not to refer to him as my fiance. honestly nothing has changed and I mean NOTHING, ZERO, NADDA. Sometimes I look forward to the day that I can leave. Two weeks ago we had a huge fight. More so I screamed at him. I just told him how angry, hurt, frustrated and betrayed I feel. He tried to over yell me and I told him to shut the fuck up and listen to me. I told him he has ruined my life that I loved so much. I told him that he's just turned into a monster this past year. He was spending a lot of time with another woman, a married woman. This is a girl he went to high school with. They talk on the phone, they text. He went to her house one night while her husband was at work and they watched a movie. On his birthday she brought him a card and piece of cake. He's lied to me about texting her. He told me about the card and then two weeks later told me about the special piece of chocolate cake she got for him. I asked him flat out the night of the big fight if he's been cheating on me all this time with her. He promised me not, that they are just friends. I asked if he would distance himself from her while we are going through all this crap. I think he has tried. I see him texting her less and he hasn't mentioned talking to her. He says he lies to me about her because he knows I'll freak out if he told me he talks, texts or sees her. I know she's not happy in her marriage and I just don't see her helping the situation. Sometimes I tihnk about writing her a myspace message asking her to try to see things from my point of view and to ask her to distance herself from him as well. He just seems so uncaring and cold. This is just everday, everyday for him. I'm the one who's going to walk out on "us". We just don't agree. So like I said, we are back together because that's easier then living as enemies until one or both of us can move on. It still hurts. It does. I'm just pretending it's not there. That's pretty much it.

[roseviolet]

DayGlowPink, I'm confused. In your post from January 26th, you said that the boy told you he is in love with another woman. Where is this other woman now? Does he still love her? Has he finally decided that he loves you? You deserve answers to all of these questions.

Has anyone heard from LuvMyPugs recently? She hasn't posted in a while & I'm concerned.

[Persiflager]

dayglowpink, you deserve someone who loves you and is in love with you. You deserve to be with someone who wants you with his head and his heart. You deserve to be someone's #1 girl. You deserve to be really, genuinely happy, not just ok with the situation.

You do not deserve to be told that he will never love you like he loves his ex. You do not deserve him seeing and falling in love with other people. You do not deserve blaming your discomfort with this on your own insecurities. You do not deserve to be the 'safe' choice.

These are not unreasonable, idealistic aims. These are the very minimum that you deserve. You deserve someone who thinks you're the best and treats you accordingly.

I'm not saying he's a bad person, but he is not going to give you that and you won't be able to find it while you're still involved with him.

I'm sorry to be blunt, but I've read your posts over the years and my heart goes out to you. You should not have to put up with this shit. Please, do not go back to him.

[dayglowpink]

I hung out with ex-boy all day today, and he spent the night last night. We talked a lot today about our relationship and feelings for each other. Lately it seems like we might end up getting back together. I need to figure out if that's what I really want, and he does, too, but it's been nice to have things be a little more positive and hopeful at least for the time being. There is something very stable and satisfying and meaningful about our relationship even if it's not filled with fireworks and passion. I'm happy right now but still confused.

[girltrouble]

hung out w/mr.t last night--she got a pedicure, i got a ridiculous full set (that i luff, but y i won't be posting much for a while, lol...), then groceries. in between we had lunch. i was telling her about my upcoming series of paintings i'm sketching out, and not only did she get it (when other friends looked at me like i was nuts), but she confided something very personal too.... i kinda realized why i kept going back to her...she really, really gets me....

[kittenb]

Hi Zoya,

I have a quick question. When you were with this partner, did you ever find yourself wondering whether he was really an addict or whether you were overreacting? This is something I've definitely struggled with over the past year. I mean, it's pot, right? I wouldn't ever have thought you could be addicted to it, let alone that it could be destructive. I guess I just want to know, at what point do you decide somebody is an addict, rather than just an overzealous drug user? It's honestly pretty confusing.

While there is debate over wether or not a person can be physically addicted to pot, the habit of pot and they way that it makes a person feel can be very addictive.

[culturehandy]

my ex, who I also stayed with for a long time had mental health issues, addictions issues etc...hoenstly it was hard when it happened, but damn if I'm not glad it's over.

[zoya]

in the beginning, i had no idea that he smoked pot every day. now, don't get me wrong - i have no problem with pot. but he smokes to a point that's affected his motivation to get a job or, well, do anything really. a couple of months into the relationship i realized he not only is a daily smoker, but he's also a bit of an online gamer (anywhere from 2-12 hours a day, in phases). he lived with me for the better part of year, but after many months of unemployment and little to no contribution, i felt as if i had no choice but to ask him to leave.

when he's in a good mood, he's quite kind.

every time he quits smoking for a few days though, that situation changes. he becomes quite verbally and emotionally abusive. anything can trigger him: one day it was that i had a hoarse voice from having a cold. he said it made me meek and timid and it was driving him crazy. he doesn't yell - he'll instead say things like "you're a fucking lunatic" if i cry.

it gets worse, but i'd rather not go into it in public.

Hi Baroque -

I've taken certain things you wrote before, out and just quoted them above. Try substituting any drug for "pot" in what you wrote above. Imagine someone else wrote it when you read it. Sounds like they're writing about an addict, right? I tried to convince myself forever that my ex wasn't really an addict because he was going to work on time, paying his bills, etc. But then I had someone point out something similar to the above to me - and it pretty much became obvious.

[baroque]

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[baroque]

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[geekchickknits]

Also, and this is probably pretty selfish, I keep imagining him straightening out after we're done and treating the next girl really well. I think that would probably be heartbreaking, and I have a feeling I'd bump into them sooner or later.

My ex was not an addict, but had (has) serious commitment issues. I too kept thinking that I would "fix" him, and the next girl would get everything that I had struggled with on a platter.

I found out recently that he hadn't changed at all, not on a fundamental level, and that the girl he's currently with is going to go through/going through the same shit I did (and she really should know better, she was around for our entire relationship and break up). This doesn't make me feel vindicated - I don;t wish the emotional hell I went through on anyone - I wish I had fixed him, and now, I hope that I'm reading the situation wrong, and I did.

[zoya]

baroque -

I've got experience with a partner with drug addiction. I'm not even going to sugar coat it here.

you sound almost exactly like me for nearly 5 years, up until 4 years ago when I broke up with my ex, who developed a SERIOUS drug problem and some other addictions (not unlike your BF) Thing was, he was a highly functioning addict. He went to a job, paid his rent, all that stuff. But he was completely stuck. he had his own creative stuff going on - that went out the window, as well as other stuff in his personal life. He just showed up for life, he wasn't actually LIVING it. I should have gotten out 2 years in. Instead I hung around for really most of the same reasons you mention. I was not only not doing myself any good, but I wasn't doing him any good. He got to just coast and stay stuck. and in the meantime, I was on the edge all the time. Finally, I just realized that I could never help someone who didn't really want to be helped. That me "being there" for him, ultimately didn't matter to him - even though he said it did, it didn't - it made not one iota of difference in the way he conducted his life, and for all the times he said he was going to kick drugs, he never did and stuck with it.

Funny you say about having thoughts that he'll get his shit together and treat the next person really well - my ex cleaned up after I left him. But I eventually realized that during the relationship, I stayed in it because I was living in the promise, not the reality of the situation. And the reality of the situation was that I was basically enabling him by staying there.

You can't fix someone. especially not an addict. and the stuff you're saying about worrying about him, etc. That's coming from the mind of someone who is together. Who is not an addict. Addicts don't think like that. Addiction is an incredibly selfish disease. You will always come out last, unless THEY choose to clean up. They will suck you dry emotionally.

Just as there is nothing you can or can't do that will make someone love you, there is nothing you can or can't do that will make an addict clean up. They have to decide on their own, and there's nothing you can do to make them do it. I know this sounds really harsh and cut and dried, but everyone I know who's ever been involved with an addict will say some version of the same thing.

I'm glad you're taking care of yourself - getting yourself back by leaving him - early in the game. (not hanging in for 5 years like I did, s that it was really hard to have to pull away) I promise that even though you love him, in the long run, you will not regret this FOR YOU and your own personal growth. When I left my ex, I promised myself I was going to do everything I could to work on myself. For me, that included going to therapy to help me get ME back. I've come out the better person for it, and so can you if you commit to staying broken up with him and working on your own emotional health.

(((baroque)))

[baroque]

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[baroque]

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[culturehandy]

I'm going to agree with Kitten on this and add a few things.

The guy spends a lot of time online, sounds to me like he's got more than one addiction issue going on, just because gaming doesn't alter your mood per se, doesn't mean it isn't addicting. anyone who spends up to 12 hours online at a time?

I'd also be curious to know about the other issue.

Abuse manifests itself in different forms, but the bottom line is you don't deserve it.

I know you care about it, but it appears he's leaching off of you, abusing you and being a downright asshole. You can't help someone who doesn't want the help. I would consider leaving him.

[kittenb]

Hello baroque. Welcome to Bust.

People do not become verbally abusive simply because they have rough upbringings. They become verbally abusive because they choose to deal with their rough upbringing by being mean to others. It sounds like you care a lot about this person but from what you've written it also sounds like he is only a great person when he takes a mood altering substance. Meaning, to me at least, he isn't really that person.
He doesn't want help and he clearly does not want to be saved from being mean to you. Take some of that love that you have and apply it to yourself. He just isn't going to be the person that you want him to be until he sees that there is a problem. That may take years. You are not really helping anyone, especially not yourself, by staying in a situation where he can be an ass and you apologize for him.
Take care of yourself. Let him grown up on his own or find someone who does not realize how much better she deserves.