[likeanyother]

geekchick – if I was you I would say something to him, tell him what you’ve observed in the most mature way you can muster and then let it be. Whether or not he takes your advice is beyond your control, but since you do have this unique perspective and insight why not do what you can to help future hurt and heartache, even if it’s not your own? And kudos to you for being able and willing to help. I see kind of the same pattern with my ex and his new gf, but since she supposedly doesn’t like me, and I honestly don’t feel like I’m nothing more than acquaintances with him now, I don’t feel comfortable charging in with relationship advice. You, on the other hand, have a channel of communication with him, and know his girlfriend, and have the impulse to give him counsel, then yeah, lead that horse to water, why not.

lolmartini – sorry about what you’re going through. I offered some advice below to flicker on dealing with the pain of a breakup. The hard thing is that there is really no good advice in such a situation because there is nothing that can make the pain go away except time. You can stay busy, distract yourself with work/friends/movies/exercise/cooking, give yourself little goals to achieve and reward yourself when you do. Those things will probably help a little, as much as anything can help. With time things will gradually start to feel better, and then all of sudden you’ll realize that things actually are better. Totally better. He won’t always affect you the way he does now.

[lolamartini]

this is such a long story, but like most.. I feel like I have to talk about it somewhere!! Everyone seems to have such good advice..
My boyfriend and I broke up about 2 weeks ago.. havent seem him since
We had a real rough month, he is a little younger and was VERY scared about making a serious commitment (moving in, marriage)... He was trying real hard and resenting himself for "not being good enough"
He broke up with me twice and came back both times, less than an hour later, crying about how he was making a mistake and was just scared.
I took him back both times.. but was very cautious.. I was doubting EVERYTHING because he had just left me twice. Well, my doubt caused him to leave and for good this time.
I didnt talk to him for a week, but he called before he left for vacation and said he wanted to get together when he got back to call and say goodbye...
anyway, LONG LONG story short... I am a mess... he hasn't responded to me since then (via text) and I find myself creating this alternate reality where he will come back to me and be READY! The logical part of me knows that he is not coming back and I cannot seem to feel better. We only dated for a year, but I am a mess without him. cant eat, cant sleep.. hate being alone, but hate being around people even more. I have nightmares about him being with other women and dreams about him coming back.. that disappoint in the morning. I cry over nothing, daily.. I just cant seem to snap out of this and realize that he is not coming back. I am literally driving myself and my friends crazy.. maybe someone can relate and provide a little advice.. because I feel like I am losing it..

[geekchickknits]

So, I'm not sure where to post it, and if people think it doesn't belong here please let me know.

Yesterday, I hung out with my ex for the first time in about a year. It was good to see him, and we had a really good time talking, and re-affirmed two things for me:

1. I no longer have ANY desire to be in a relationship with this man. He drained my energy, and I have zero tolerance for his bs any more.
2. The only thing I really miss is the sex. (We didn't have it when I saw him, I'm relying on memory here.)

I find myself in a bit of a pickle though, and I'd like to hear what busties have to say about it.

My ex hurt me pretty badly, mostly because he stayed so long in our relationship when he didn't want to be in a relationship. In our conversation yesterday, I find that he is doing the exact same thing to his current girlfriend, who I am not overly fond of but toward whom I hold no ill will. After some of the things he said to me about he feelings about their relationship, I just want to shake him, and slap him across the face and say "WTF are you doing? If you are sure you feel that way about those things, why are you in a relationship with her, with anyone? Is it because you don't want to hurt her? Did you learn NOTHING from our relationship?!?!?!?"

My roommate says I should mind my own business and not say anything, that his girlfriend knew what she was getting into having been mutual friends of ours (has been friends with him for a long time) and saw what happened with our relationship, and that if she gets burned or badly hurt by him it's her own damn fault. The thing is, I don't want to say anything to her about it, but rather want to say something to him. I want him to take responsibility for his life and his actions and grow a pair, and then grow the fuck up. And then the next time he is in a relationship with someone, to make sure that person is poly-amourous, since that was the time in our relationship when he was the best to me, and the happiest in himself.

What do you think busties? Do I say something to him, or hold my tongue?

EFC

[dayglowpink]

We had it out today and talked long and hard about a lot of these issues. I admitted to him that I've been seriously considering breaking up, and I think that was a bit of a wake up call for him. I cried so much I gave myself a terrible headache and almost lost it in hysterics. I still don't know how things will pan out, but we're giving it our best shot for now. I felt better when I talked to a friend of mine today, and he said he and his gfriend have just been through a really rough patch where they weren't sure if they were going to stay together, but they've worked through it and are in a better place now. I guess all relationships have their ups and downs.

[dayglowpink]

Have never posted here, and haven't decided if I'm gonna break up with my boy or not, but I feel like I need to get some stuff out, and this seems like a good place to do it. I've been engaged in a constant struggle for the past month or so thinking obsessively about whether I should break up with him. I went through something similar last winter when our relationship had gone to shit, because he was very depressed and self-absorbed and had pulled away from me so much that I just didn't see the point anymore. But we did end up getting through that and had an awesome summer and fall. Now he's depressed again and won't talk to me about it, and it brings up everything that's wrong about our relationship for me. I obsess on those things and wonder if it's the right relationship for me. We aren't passionately in love, and he doesn't think he'll ever feel like that about me. But that's what he feels makes our relationship work for him. When he's had that in the past, the relationship has terrible ups and downs, and he feels like what makes ours good is that it's stable. I love him, but it's not a giddy overjoyed passionate love. That freaks me out, too, but I wonder if I'm selling myself short by accepting something different from that and whether I should open myself up to the possibility with someone else. Our sex life has sucked for quite a while, and every time we've tried to discuss it we end up in the same old argument that seems impossible to resolve. He can hardly ever make me come anymore, and I've given up on initiating sex lately (among other problems). I'm very unhappy right now, but I don't know if I should perservere and trust that things will get better again or say fuck it. Sometimes I think the potential pain of the breakup is a such deterent for me that I can't even truly consider that option. i keep thinking of the grass is always greener, like if I did break up with him, would I later realize that the next relationship had just as many issues albeit different ones perhaps. I get so confused about how many of our issues are my issues that would spring up in any relationship or how many of them are specific to him. I constantly think about it and try to figure it out and get absolutely nowhere.

((((everyone who's going through breakups)))) Reading through this thread has given me some hope that I can get through it if I decide to do it and that of course I won't be alone in the pain and loneliness.

[bottleblack]

Flicker I also feel for you, be strong and you can make it through this. The same thing happened to me, although we were not living together and were dating for less time than you and your bf, but it still truly hurt. Yes, things do get better. Now, 2 1/2 years later, I am engaged to the man of my dreams and the love of my life. I agree with the advice in the previous post about cutting him out of your life. It will just be too painful to see him moving on, especially when you are still in love with him. You will be okay without him.

[likeanyother]

flicker, I feel for you. My last relationship ended similarly after 5 years. Though his reasons for wanting it to be over were even more obscure, he just said he needed to ‘be on his own’ for a while, that we had been together so long he just needed to live by himself and have his life all to himself for a while. I was still so in love with him I totally didn’t understand. I was convinced he just wanted to date somebody else (and eventually he DID end up dating a girl that he was “friends” with during this time, which lasted for about a month btw). We lived together for 2 months after the initial breakup in this weird half-relationship limbo, and as hard as that was I didn’t even really feel the pain of the breakup until after we moved out and got separate apartments. I remember feeling so lonely and sad for so long, I never thought it would end. I let myself hold on to the idea that we could get back together for too long.

The best advice I can give, which is advice I was told during my breakup, but ignored nonetheless, is that you should really cut off all contact with your ex. No ‘friends’ bullshit. Because no matter what, if you’re still getting over eachother, friends isn’t possible, it’s just an excuse not to let go. You can be friends possibly, eventually, after YEARS, but the fastest way to get over somebody right now is to cut him out of your life as much as possible, as hard as that is.

And eventually the terrible feelings DO go away. It’s not even necessarily anything you can make happen. Just let yourself feel as sad as you need to and remember that when you feel so horribly depressed and lonely there’s nowhere you can go but up. Eventually. You will get there. You will be happy and whole again and even meet somebody who will make you smile once more.

Sorry if that sounded super cheesy, but fuck, it’s true. Keep posting and let us know how things are going.

[flicker]

ive read through the recent replies & my heart goes out to all of you.

i used to post in this thread when i was continuously breaking up with a guy that really didnt treat me very well. since then, i found someone amazing & we were together a year and a half.

he was incredible to me & we loved each other dearly. that is, until he decided that he didnt love me as much & fell for another girl (she doesnt know about his affection at all).

my heart is shattered. i thought we were going to have a long and happy marriage & he agreed and said it would have made sense. my family just met him on thanksgiving and couldnt get over how wonderful he is.

i wish he did something horrible that i could be furious about. i feel like such a fool. he should have spoken to me when he started feeling different months ago & i would have gone to couples counseling but its just too late. he says hes no longer in love with me & i know theres no arguing with that.

we're living together (his idea) and i really want him to go as soon as possible. everyone i know is going to be shocked & i dont know how ill go out anymore! are friends are all tangled up together. i trusted him completely with my heart and never thought this would happen...

thanks for listening.

[dutchesss]

Epinephrine, sounds like she was not completely honest with you. Not discussing what she was thinking about and opening up to you, saying she was having doubts about your relationship. She probably was having these thoughts for some while, but just was afraid to mention it. It usually builds up and it all comes out one day. It could be a perfectly "normal" afternoon, like in your case.

After my experiences, I have realized that most people just aren't open and honest and since you can't see what is going on someone's head, it is really up to the other person to share things with you - or not. Sometimes there is "something in the air" which you can't lay your finger on, which acts like some sort of warning. But hey, if life only would be that predictable!

To me it sounds like you are a honest person and believe in trust and openness in a relationship. Don't loose that just because your gf hasn't done the same with you. You deserve the same in return, so it might be better to move on and realize that she is not the right person for you.

When people say they "need a break", "need space/time" or whatever, it usually means they want to break up and
a.) don't have the heart to tell you or
b.) don't want to let go of the illusion that it might still work out.

Keep your head up.

[epinephrine]

Thanks for the kind words, Girltrouble. I know I shouldn't take it personally. But when I suddenly find out that the person I trust more than anyone else is keeping things from me, that the person I was sharing my life with has suddenly decided to cut me out...it just makes me fucking sick. I don't even know how to begin to get over this. She's acting like I should have seen this coming. We'd had a few fights, one or two halfhearted discussions about being a little more independent from each other, but never anything indicating that we needed to change the entire course of our relationship. We had our problems, just like all couples, but I'm not the type to bail when there's a problem, and I never thought she was, either. Even when those problems prove to be a deal-breaker, there's a certain amount of consensus that has to happen. There's usually a discussion, or at least enough mutual dissatisfaction that the breakup doesn't come as a shock. But there was absolutely nothing. The day she broke up with me, I'd been out telling people how happy we were and how well things were going. She never bothered to discuss the problem with me. She just sat me down at one o'clock in the morning on a perfectly normal day and told me it was over.

I don't think I'm dependent for depending on honesty and reliability and openness. If she had just tried to discuss it with me first, she could still have got what she wanted and I wouldn't be so miserable. She'd be happily single and I'd be ok with it, because it would have been our decision, not just something she sprung on me out of nowhere. I feel like I came home and all her stuff was gone. During the initial talk, when she told me how desperately unhappy she was and how she felt smothered and tied down, she made a point of telling me that she didn't want me out of her life, and even though it was 4 am and I'd just lost my relationship, I still felt like there was an element of fairness in the way we'd actually discussed it, even though she'd already made up her mind without me. But the next day she was so cold to me, it was like she resented me for being in her life. She acted that way for days, and then one night she came home from a friend's place at 2 am and crawled into bed with me and cuddled and kissed me and started crying and telling me she didn't want to lose me. The next morning I woke up to her cuddling me and kissing me again, when she thought I was asleep. Now things are a little more stable between us. But I still can't hug her without bursting into tears. I placed so much faith in this relationship, and to suddenly find myself so completely wrong is a horrible, horrible shock. It's been almost a month and I still can't believe it's happening. The thing that keeps looping over and over in my mind is that this would all have been OK with a little warning - but that's impossible and stupid to even think about. I don't seem to have any friends right now. And on top of that we're still living together until the end of the month. In a fucking bachelor apartment. I don't know how to get over this. I feel completely lost.

[girltrouble]

epi~ you seem to be putting so much of this relationship on your shoulders. perhaps she just realises she wants to figure herself out, or grow. i know how it feels to want to just wake up next to someone, i get really skinstarved after a break up, or when i miss someone a lot, but, hard as this sounds, don't take it personal. it could be there are external reasons that she wants to be on her own. don't blame yourself. there are somebodies out there who would be ready for what you are looking for, and who knows, they might be better for you, for that reason alone. it sucks but ask her what she wants exactly and respect her wishes, why spin your wheels trying to get her there when she just isn't ready?

ducky, my two cents?

move on. enjoy that time you have, but start growing in your own direction, date other people. why? people break up with people for specific, thought out reasons. it's never whimsical. breaking up with someone is not something that most people would consider fun, so you consider it seriously before you ever get the guts up to do it for reals.

you may love each other still, and still have feelings--- i do for most of my ex gf's. that's the nature of love-- you are blessed to spend time with someone who hopefully makes you see the world new. but can i ask you a question? you guys are still in a LDR, yes? it's easy to take the good in one of those relationships, and forget about the bad. if you really want to get back together i'd ask him one of those questions you really don't want the answer to: what was the real reason he broke up with you? (it could be cos you are in different states, that's valid)and considering that has the thing that made him break up with you changed? if not, you are not looking at this realistically.

but then that's just my take. i don't expect love to last always, i just enjoy the hell out of it when i get it, and when it's over hold on to the friendship if i can.

******

so, i broke up with mr. t/my daddy (it was a bdsm based relationship) on fri. i think it was the right thing. i've kind of let my life go to hell and i need to remedy that. i know that she probably wants to get back together, but i just can't. i need lots of me time and it's really not fair to not give her the attention she deserves. i wish her well. she was very good to me, and i will always think of her as fam, i hope she sees me that way too. i do love her, but i need to love me for a good long time...heh.

i just don't want my self esteem to be based on her. i want it to be about how i feel about me. and in the 3/4 years we've been dating it's been about her. no harm, no foul, i just need to be self sustaining/reliant. i've known this for a while, since i broke up with my gf before her, kitty, who i loved tremendously. but i love being in love, i love doting on someone/being doted on, and well, i let it overwhelm any sense i have that knows better.

but no more. i am thinking i want to be single for atleast 2 years, give or take, possibly celibate even for a year. i just really want to build myself up and all the flirting that comes with girls and boys, well that, that is trouble for me. and trouble is my middle name (sort of). looking back it looks like i'm nothing if not consistant. my last 4 relationships: 4, 4, 7 and 4 years in duration. the 7, was kitty, natch.

[kissmeducky]

I've posted about this relationship before, but it's been awhile so I'll recap.

In August my boyfriend of a little over a year and I decided to break up because we were both in different paths. I go to school in Boston, he goes to school in DC, so it would be a long distance relationship for at least another two years and our postgrad goals (if all goes according to plan) don't seem to be getting us any geographically closer.

Since we broke up, however, our relationship has been pretty much exactly the same. We talk to each other the same way and just as often, we made plans to visit each other one weekend. We still occasionally exchange "I love you"s and have (amazing) sex. He is my best friend, no matter what, and one of the most important people in my life.

For the first semester of our long distance relationship we had an open relationship (we closed it the second semester) and, honestly, besides a slew of pretty terrible dates, I don't see any difference between what we had then and what we have now. In fact, it seems even more secure and mature.

I've started toying with the idea of getting back together. I can argue both sides of it really well, and the general summary of each is:

This is who I want to be with. It seems stupid to ignore the fact that we still feel so strongly for each other. I've honestly tried to move on but everything just confirms the fact that the only person I want to be with right now is him. When I listen to my heart, I know that what I really want is to get back together.

But when I listed to my head, and silly logic, I remember that the circumstances on why we broke up are still the same. When does a long distance relationship stop being worth it? I should just be satisfied with having him in my life the way he is and not worry about putting a label on it. What would change? Why do I want that label so badly?

I'm just trying to look for an outside opinion on this. The only people I've talked to is a friend who's a cheerleader for "love conquers all, if you love each other, love will find a way" and people who are really bitter about relationships in general. So, opinions? Advice? Words of wisdom?

Thank you!

[epinephrine]

I'm currently in a painful period of transition. My girlfriend and I are both 22 and we've been together for nearly 2 years. We moved in together about 6 months ago, and I thought everything was going fine. She'd started a few stupid fights with me over nothing, and I was concerned, but I didn't think there was anything wrong that we couldn't fix. I was completely blindsided when she told me at one o'clock yesterday morning that she wanted us to "back up a step" and get separate places again. She said that she was too young to be in such a committed relationship and she didn't want to be in a relationship "just because [she] was yesterday." She said she needed to figure out if we have a reason to stay together. After the initial shock we talked it through, and I thought we'd be ok. I thought I'd just be sleeping somewhere else for a week or two and avoiding her until she could sort herself out, or that we'd get separate places and stay together and eventually move back in when she was ready. I came home from school yesterday and we talked about it again, but this time she sounded different, like this is a breakup and not just a separation. I hadn't slept or eaten, and I was having a hard time keeping my thoughts in order, so I could have misunderstood everything. Everything is up in the air right now. I'm sleeping at my mom's place (who is in the middle of separating from my dad - between us and the other transitioning friend who stayed there this month, she said the place is starting to feel like the heartbreak hotel) and all my stuff is still at the apartment.

I'm not handling this very well. I cried in front of one of my teachers today. A combination of shock and grief have made me into a confused mess. I'm freaking out because I don't know how to react and I'm terrified that I'm doing something wrong, that I'm only upset because I have an unhealthy dependence on her, or if it's natural to be upset when a good relationship ends. My confidence has totally been shaken. I really don't want to break up. I really don't want to move. But if that's how she feels, we have to do it. I just want to wake up next to her again.

[princess_dander]

Thanks Stargazer. I feel like i learned a lot through it all and so it wasn't all bad.

[stargazer]

(((princess_dander))) good to see you posting! sorry about your situation with this guy.

[princess_dander]

Hey Stargazer!

I had a horrible breakup around the time eternal sunshine came out and was sobbing through it. Avoid this film at all costs if you are hurting or if you need to watch it, get a friend to be with you with a box of puffs plus.

kayte- Sorry you are going through all this pain. ((((hugs))))

Thepointybird- I broke up with someone about a year ago for the reasons you posted. I have had some terrible breakups in the past and tried so hard not to be hurtful, but at the same time needed to be distant. It fucks you up on either side.

My thing is that I was seeing someone over the summer and I really liked him, but in retrospect I see that I was being lead on and that is some painful shit. I tried to trust him and tried to allow myself to get close, but then he drifted and he stopped calling and I got tired of trying and gave up. it sounds simple, but I was hurting and there is some moving on factors that I have been feeling. Gosh this sounds so high school. I hope I have learned enough to recognize these things earlier in the whole dating process.

[go_kayte]

We ended up going with Spinal Tap and then Harry Potter, the 2nd one. It was fun. Wine and cheeseburgers were had.

I think I've found both a subleaser for my apartment and a little studio apartment to move into. I got word that my ex is now out of the apartment. The logistics are being worked out. That's a huge load off my mind. I wish the emotional part was easier though.

[stargazer]

oh, beware of the tugging at the heart moments. when i ended things with the ex, i was done. i felt no emotional attachment in that loving way. my ex was pretty cunning. one night we went out for dinner, casually, and she gave me this look and i knew that look. *sigh* i knew i couldn't go there.


go_kayte, made up your mind on movies? when i know i need to laugh i pick really stupid funny movies. when i was alone after my breakup, after a friend's suggestion, i was eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. this was when the movie just came out. dude, i did the ugly cry all by myself. but, it was totally worth it.

[thepointybird]

I keep getting sad plaintive emails from the ex and I don't know how to respond. It sucks because he knows me so well and I do still love him so he knows exactly how to tug on my heart. I have to keep reminding myself the reasons I had to break up with him..but it's so hard..
Pointybird, I totally hear you.

Big hugs from me Kayte and Bizmonkey, it's nice to know others are going through it as well! To be honest, I'd almost rather be the dumpee than the dumper, at least that way you can get angry and vent and cry and throw things. Now I just feel sadness and overwhelming guilt. I'm going for drinks with a few girls from work tomorrow afternoon/evening, which is nice as it'll keep me busy. I hope your weekend's not too rough gals, I'll be sending good vibes your way!

[go_kayte]

I keep getting sad plaintive emails from the ex and I don't know how to respond. It sucks because he knows me so well and I do still love him so he knows exactly how to tug on my heart. I have to keep reminding myself the reasons I had to break up with him..but it's so hard..


Pointybird, I totally hear you.