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> Long Distance/ Online Relationships
auralpoison
post Jul 20 2009, 04:05 AM
Post #1


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I just wanted to say that I've talked to Sagey subsequently & that while things were a bit rocky at first, things seem to be going swimmingly now. Yea! for Sageykins!


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"You're cute, like a velvet glove cast in iron. And like a gas chamber, a real fun gal."
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thirtiesgirl
post Jul 8 2009, 05:24 PM
Post #2


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From: Loss Angeles


I guess I'm keeping this thread alive. Just thought I'd give a brief report of what's been happening with the L-D guy. We had our fifth date in June as my school year was coming to an end (I work for the Los Angeles Unified School District). It had been over 7 months since we'd seen each other, due to the fact that he got a DUI in November last year. His license was suspended for 30 days, and then he could only drive on a restricted license for the next 6 months, which meant that he couldn't leave town. Also being broke (he's a single dad, raising 2 kids, paying monthly child support to an ex-wife who rarely uses it for the kids, not to mention the DUI fines and raised insurance rates he has to pay), he wasn't able to afford a plane ticket down to see me until June. His dad helped him financially with it, too.

At any rate, he flew down to see me in June and we had a good 3 days together, had some wonderful sex, saw Neko Case live, relaxed and hung around my apartment, rented some movies, went to lunch, drove to the beach, etc. Things were a little weird for me because I was kind of keeping my emotions in check. After 7 months, I was feeling a little uncertain about him and I felt I needed to be a little protective of my emotions. There was no point in it, really, but my heart didn't know that at the time. Only after he'd left and we had a chance to talk about it on the phone did I start to relax and realize there was no reason to be so protective of my emotions. He's still very much into me, and I'm really starting to fall for him.

So I drove up to see him for July 4th weekend. I briefly met his father and step-mother, and spent some time with his kids, who, it must be said, are the smartest kids I've ever met. Both of their grandparents are teachers, and their dad (my L-D guy) is no dummy himself, so I'm sure that has a lot to do with their intelligence. We didn't do much over the weekend; mostly watched a lot of movies (Fargo, Coraline and My Neighbor Totoro* - the last two were for movie night with his kids); went to see Public Enemies (we're both Michael Mann fans); and he took me to a sweet little Italian restaurant for dinner on my first night there. We also took a short road trip on Sunday to a little town called Hornitos, which was once a rough and tumble gold mining town similar to Deadwood. The trip there was interesting, yet rather dull at the same time. His kids spent the whole trip there and back playing video games in the back seat, and there wasn't much to look at but surrounding farmland and lots of open prairie. Being a city girl, it was interesting to look at for the first 5 or 10 minutes, but quickly became dull. Hornitos itself was kind of boring. We walked around an old church graveyard and spent a few minutes in the touristy gift shop where the kids got sodas, and then it was back home on the open road.

I also spent some time playing cards with his kids (I bought a kid-friendly card game for them that you can use to play several different games: Go Fish, Old Maid and an Uno-like game where you're matching colors or numbers). His kids seemed to like me, particularly his daughter who is *VERY* affectionate, unlike any other kid I've known. Within a few minutes of meeting me, she was holding my hand, giving me hugs, wanting to sit next to me. While we were having movie night on Sunday night, she wanted to sit on my lap. It was sweet but a little odd, considering she really doesn't know anything about me. Overall, though, it was a good trip and I'm falling hard for him.


*My Neighbor Totoro, for those who don't know, is a Miyazake film from the '80s. Miyazake is the creator of Spirited Away, Princes Mononoke and others. The Disney company reissued Totoro on DVD a few years ago with English dubbing. It's definitely a children's film, *very* much into the cult of the child (as much Japanese animation is) and was one of the oddest, yet most innocent films I've seen. Here's the Japanese trailer, to give you an idea.


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I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
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sageykins
post Jun 4 2009, 07:32 AM
Post #3


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From: West Texas


Hey all, I just thought I'd post a follow-up of a month plus later...

He has moved down and things have been pretty good. He's here, everything has been going along. And it hasn't been completely perfect, we've definitely had some tough things. I've definitely still had questions and he's been forthcoming with things. He's actually told me he's really self conscious about things. He's got his issues too. And we're trying to work through things.

I have come back here though to read the thoughts of you ladies, and I'm grateful for the help. 'People's fears will always outdo love' is something I am trying to remember. I want love. I want him. We have been going through the changes of things and trying to just keep being honest and open. It isn't always an easy situation... But we're trying.

Thanks girls smile.gif
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sageykins
post Apr 20 2009, 07:24 PM
Post #4


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From: West Texas


I hope that what I'm about to say does't sound defensive. But I think it will. And so I apologize up front.

We have in fact known each other for much longer than a few weeks, we live an hour apart and for the last 4 months we would visit, hang out, go to dinner, go shopping, drive around, learn about where I now live together. Go to movies, meet each others friends, and the first weekend it was official I met almost all of his immeadiate family. So we have basically been dating. And as we've talked more the last week, he's told me more about the talking to other women and really, all sounds completely logical, and it isn't as though I wasn't talking to anyone else either. I did. But didn't meet them. He went on a couple dates. And that was that. I really believe him.

That gut feeling is completely gone. He deleted the account with the fling site, he spends a ton of time with me as it is, as it was... And I truly believe he's been honest with me. This was the only thing that was bothering me, and I no longer am bothered by it. I mean, its been talked about again and he understands where I was at and where I am at. He has made me so happy in every way, he is the first person I talk to about sad things, happy things, everything really. We've talked, daily, for the four months. We text, IM, talk constantly. And he would drive down here just to see me, for dinner, or a walk in the park. And drive home. An hour each way. And yeah... so we really were dating for months. And baby steps.

So I don't know that I have more I can say. I am feeling much better, calmer, and really just content with how things are going and where we're at. smile.gif

Thank you girls. I know its only been a few days (a week) but you helped.
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Chairman Miaow
post Apr 20 2009, 04:48 AM
Post #5


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I echo the wariness of others - how far apart do you currently live? Those are some big, scary steps you guys are taking.

[It's not all bad though. I met a boy online about six years ago; he came to visit me from the opposite hemisphere. Now he's my husband smile.gif )


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A hundred years after we are gone and forgotten, those who never heard of us will be living with the results of our actions.
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thirtiesgirl
post Apr 19 2009, 07:34 PM
Post #6


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From: Loss Angeles


My two cents, sageykins, if you're still looking for advice: three weeks is awfully quick for a guy to move to your neighborhood to date you. If he's moving in with you...all the more reason for my skepticism and concern. My recommendation to anyone in the process of meeting people, whether online, at a bar, club, at school, etc, is to go through a period of dating for longer than three weeks. Dating consists of (I know it sounds dumb and obvious) going on dates. This means getting together for dinner, to see a movie, see a band, have drinks, get lunch, go on a picnic, go bowling, hang out with his friends, hang out with your friends, etc, and see how he interacts with you, friends and society in various social situations. I usually believe that this should take a period of several months, not weeks. Not only do you want to see how he's going to interact in different social situations, you also want to see how he handles any crises, big or little, that may come up in the time you're dating him. These things will tell you a *lot* about how he will most likely behave in a relationship. If you like what you see and he seems like the right guy for you, go for it. If you don't like what you see, it gives you time to talk about it with him before the two of you are in a serious relationship, more deeply emotionally involved, which could possibly lead to more hurt feelings. Date the guy, sageykins. Don't ask him to move to your neighborhood (or move in with you) yet. If the idea was his suggestion, tell him to wait. Give yourselves a good few months to date each other before making a more serious committment and learn more for yourself about the guy.


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I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
-Mae West
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Mermeg
post Apr 16 2009, 12:34 AM
Post #7


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((sageykins)) so glad you're feeling better! It sounds like this relationship could be/already is awesome, and it's great that you feel completely open and comfortable with him. I understand the fears you have, but just think...here's your chance to have those ugly painful feelings from your past turned around and possibly healed for good. It sounds like he's been hurt too, so the trust issues are probably something you'll both need to work on and help each other with, But what better way to overcome stuff than with a caring and empathetic partner whose on the same page as you? So yay! Try to beat those anxieties back and just enjoy the way you're feeling with him and go for it smile.gif


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last July I came untied...
my trousers, my bra, and my pride
you were so confident that I would let you inside
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sageykins
post Apr 14 2009, 05:32 PM
Post #8


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There's a lot to answer. And I'll try.
The cheating- its a few things that have probably combined over years and made me this much of a worrier. My mom told me at like age 12 that she and my dad wouldn't be together muh longer. For 8 years, I was waiting for something to happen. And then it did. So I am always on a defense, waiting for the other shoe to drop- for something to go wrong. I was also cheated on by the first guy I slept with- which i chose to continue being with him, ignoring my gut feeling that something was up because he assured me, repeatedly, that it was in my head. And because I so desperately wanted him to be with me, love me, etc, I accepted this. Mind you, this was now... 14 years ago or so. But I have always listened to my gut since and been more than paranoid about it at times. Since then I've been with other guys, and most haven't cheated or been jackasses, but there've been a few. And one wasn't all too long ago- 2 years-ish. And he was talking to his ex, frequently. So there've been some things that have scarred me deep- but truly I believe my parents, my mom telling me that and then 8 years of aprehension going by, has led me to be worried. I also have wanted to just be with someone, but am fearful over it not working out, divorce, etc. I've already been through one... And he's divorced too. So yeah. (because his wife was cheating on him).

Add to this, someone who normally is anxious, has always had a little perfectionist and worry in there, and you end up kind of where I am at. I am a mess frequently. And I'm aware of it.

But with Him- he's never been untrustworthy. He's been honest with me all the time. And I have talked to him about this -and his explanations are plausible.

And I am falling so hard for him. And its happened pretty quick for me. He makes me so happy, he is the first person I feel like I can be COMPLETELY open and honest about everything with ( I have always been worried about things like my stomach acting up (yes the anxiety does that too) and being sick and that i like girl on girl porn and so on and so forth). He accepts me and wants me and is packing up to move here to be with me. The good has definitely outweighed the bad. My fears are just ... there and I seem to be having trouble ... well obviously am having trouble just enjoying this, falling in love, being in love, being with him. When we are together I am truly content and feel ...just joy.

I think its not just having been cheated on previously. I think that when we would hang out as friends, he was texting at times and it began to make me feel like there was something up. Like he was talking to other women yes, but it felt like... I think it felt to me like I was already with him because I wanted to be able to just enjoy that and be with him, and THAT felt like there was already cheating. But we weren't together. We had talked, I wasn't ready, there couldn't be cheating because we weren't together. But it felt that way to me. And so being together, is different from before, but its not in many ways. And I'm going to guess that thats a part of why I snooped.

unsure.gif

That makes sense though. That I might be feeling that way because of that... the pre-dating stuff. Because i did talk to people online, he did too and also texted, talked on the phone.. was more involved in that...

(epiphany)

(followed by a sigh of relief that I understand where this is coming from and am feeling better).

Thank you AP and Mermeg for your thoughts. It helped. And I am trying to look at this all with more perspective.

smile.gif

I do feel better though.
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Mermeg
post Apr 14 2009, 03:40 PM
Post #9


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Sageykins, you definitely seem to have a lot of reservations about this relationship. It looks like you said you already had suspicions before you used his computer. I know it's hard to think about and it can be tempting to just shove those thoughts out of your mind, but in my experience ignoring them (and your gut) usually only leads to them snowballing down the road. So I guess you need to really look at why you initially had those suspicions and why it is that your gut feeling is making you hesitate. I think it's pretty natural to feel anxious this early on in the relationship, but ideally that anxiety and uncertainty should be mixed with all the good feelings. To echo AP, does the good outweigh the bad here? Or is it the opposite?

And in terms of the last sentence you wrote, about feeling inadequate and about how "you" should be getting past it, I think you're putting too much of the burden on yourself. You say he loves you and is moving to be with you, which is pretty huge, so I hope you would feel comfortable enough to really talk to him about all this and that he would be receptive. If you can approach the subject without being accusatory, but rather by coming it at from the perspective that you really want to build this relationship solidly from the start because he means a lot to you, then he might have a better understanding of where you're coming from. Also, feel free to smack me (virtually of course) if this is wrong, but it sounds like you may have been cheated on or betrayed in some way in the past. If that's true then I'm sorry...how awful...but all the more reason to not go further here unless you can truly feel comfortable with him (and if it is true talking to him about that might also illustrate for him how important it is that trust is built from the beginning).

(((sageykins))) good luck and keep us posted


--------------------
last July I came untied...
my trousers, my bra, and my pride
you were so confident that I would let you inside
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auralpoison
post Apr 14 2009, 07:04 AM
Post #10


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(((((Sageykins)))))

Um, you're REALLY negative about this. Are you feeling any joy at all or is it just anxiety? Who fucked up your heart so bad & how did they do it to the point that you can't trust at all anymore? Are you sure you're ready to be in a relationship if you have this many issues so early on?

I think that if this were just a straightforward gut problem, you would have had misgivings in your association with this fellow from the get go. But you bobbed along blissfully for four months as just friends. Did he do anything in that four months to give you the wiggins about who he was or his intentions towards you? Had he been untrustworthy outside of your snooping? Have you examined your past 'ships for a pattern? Does this guy possibly fall into that pattern? If so, how? There are a LOT of unanswered questions here.

I'm not saying to ignore your gut. Your gut is your first line of defense. I just want you to think about WHY it's acting up now.

And I don't think you're "nuts". I think you have a tendency (Like a lot of our sisters.) to over-analyze things. Sometimes it's good to just let things happen in their own natural way. If you get hurt? You get hurt. No pain, no gain. Without risk, there is no reward. You treat it as a life lesson & move on. Cliches, yes, but all cliches contain a kernel of truth.

If you don't ever put your heart out there . . . well, you'll be protected, but lonely as a motherfucker.


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"You're cute, like a velvet glove cast in iron. And like a gas chamber, a real fun gal."
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sageykins
post Apr 14 2009, 05:02 AM
Post #11


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From: West Texas


You aren't going to get crap from me about your reply. You're right. I am paranoid, I was snooping, and I know that if you're looking for something wrong "you" (I) will find something wrong. You are right, all answers sound plausible, etc. And if I let fear win, then I end up brokenhearted anyway.

I just also know that ignoring my gut feeling isn't smart. It has been in more than a couple knots because of how quickly things are moving- and my own fears about relationships/getting hurt- but I don't know that its just the knots or if something else is going on. Ignoring it has gotten me mighty hurt before.

And I don't want to be more hurt. Because I feel like it makes me more nuts- As in doing this kind of thing and making myself more insane.
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auralpoison
post Apr 14 2009, 03:24 AM
Post #12


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From: Citizen of the world


I'm gonna get shit for saying this, but, um, you were snooping, Sageykins. If you snoop? Odds are you're going to find something that you don't like, especially if you're paranoid (You def sound a little paranoid. Not in a bad way, just in a protecting your heart way. That's understandable). And really, you were being dishonest by looking into his personal stuff, especially if you've only been dating a few weeks. Just because he KNEW you were on HIS computer is no excuse for going carte blanche into HIS business because you're feeling insecure. His explanation sounds reasonable. Look at it this way: If he thought he had anything to hide, he'd have hidden it from you, right? Or he wouldn't have let you use his computer, right? But HE DID.

For the record: I've been in a committed 'ship for almost three years, but still have a membership on a dating site that I enjoy futzing with when I cannot sleep. It's perfectly innocent. I'm not hooking up, hell, I mostly chitchat with strangers m/f from all over the world. I've been helping a guy in Turkey with his English. He thinks I'm "magic" whatever the fuck that means.

Anyway, weigh the good things here against the bad. He has a profile still up on a dating site because he paid for it & he's checked into it. I think that's pretty normal. BUT. He trusted you enough to set you free on his 'puter with full knowledge that you may snoop & get all wiggy about it. He's given you reassurances that he is into you & only you. He's packing up his shit & MOVING to be closer to you. That sounds like he's not dicking around to me.

This thing is still VERY new. Three weeks isn't a very long time 'ship-wise. You're driving yourself crazy for no reason, really. Don't cut it off before it reaches some kind of fruition because you're scared of getting hurt. If he's still fucking around on Fling.com in six months, then you worry.

Think FDR, my lovely: "We have nothing to fear, but fear itself!" Show me somebody that doesn't have a few deep scars on their heart & I'll show you somebody that never had the ovaries to fucking LOVE with their all & damn the consequences!


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sageykins
post Apr 13 2009, 08:50 PM
Post #13


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From: West Texas


I need help girls and guys!
I met someone online about 4 months ago. I couldn't handle a relationship at first, was studying for my licensing exam for work, working, transferring my licence to another state, etc. And I just wasn't in a good place. Until a few weeks ago. During the time we were just talking and hanging out and being friends, I knew he was online talking to other people as was I. But I didn't think much of it. We started dating about 3 weeks ago and ... well here it is...

He's not been on the site we met on, and neither have I now (cancelled the membership). But I've had suspicions and was visiting him last weekend and his computer was on, I was looking up something where he KNEW I was on his computer and the dropdown showed the website fling.com. I have asked him about it, he has claimed that he has cancelled the membership and all, but had paid for the month so his membership was still on it, he doesn't want anyone else, he loves me, he has only wanted me, he just flirted online, etc etc. He is moving here to be with me. (Its an hour from where we both used to live). So I know that I should accept that, believe him, trust him. Because any relationship needs trust otherwise .... well in my opinion its not good.

I looked today. He's still on there. On there as in he logged in today. Because on fling you can put in what you are looking for and a zip and it will bring up recent activity.

So now what?

Please help me girls. Guys. I am frightened of being hurt, wanting to trust him that its being removed and all but feeling like ....inadequate and as though I cannot let this go. I don't know how to move past it.
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rubberdollz
post Mar 24 2009, 07:26 PM
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RV I'm in the same boat. My husband and I met online 4 years ago, he ended up moving to Michigan from California to be with me. When I told my parents that he was coming out here to visit me the very first time we were going to meet they freaked. They were like oh my god how do you know he's not a serial killer? I told them well, if he wants to pay 300 bucks to fly out here and kill me then I wish him luck doing it because I'm sure there are a ton of people in his area he could want to kill and it'd be cheaper. I also think it's funny that the stigma is you never know who you are going to meet online, the same goes for meeting someone in a bar too or out somewhere in your area. You could meet at a bar and they could follow you home, it's just as dangerous.

I still get looks sometimes when I tell people we met online but our generation is more excepting then some of the older generations. My parents are baby boomers and internet was not around when they were my age, it's so different.
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roseviolet
post Mar 24 2009, 06:28 PM
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I agree with p_176. Some people over 45 or so will think it sounds strange, but it's perfectly normal for younger people. I met my husband on-line. About 5 years ago when I told people that's how we met, I usually got a lot of raised eyebrows. But now, people are not at all surprised. It's just one more way to meet people. Nowadays I know very few couples who didn't meet on-line.
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p_176
post Mar 24 2009, 08:33 AM
Post #16


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From: Baltimore


the stigma is because it used to be that only "desperate" or "dangerous" or "whore" used the personal ads. now, it's pretty normal. please try not to worry about the stigma - if you think there's no problem, then whoever you're telling how you met your person won't think there's a problem. i met my guy on eharmony, and every time i tell that to someone (apparently after dating someone for 3 years, people ask how you met in hopes that they'll meet someone in the same fashion and date longterm), and they're all excited and happy about it. and, lots of peopel know other people who met someone online and it worked out. good luck!
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period_monster
post Mar 24 2009, 07:53 AM
Post #17


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Posts: 191


Howdy to all, I have posted in this thread before about a long distance relationship, but that ended earlier this month. Since I was the one doing the breaking up, I want to get out there and meet someone. Due to a combination of my busy life, my crazed hours and my lack of general social skills, I have begun looking online. The funny thing is that I know I am a freaking catch. Still, although this is not yet a problem, I think I may be embarrassed to admit if I do meet someone online.

The thing about this is, I met my last partner in a bar, and that was embarrassing too. I guess I just wanted to vent for a moment and justify my actions to myself. It does seem really bizarre that there is a stigma attached to meeting people online when there isn't one attached to meeting in real life in a quite possibly unhealthy environment. For me, the getting-to-know-someone-new has always involved copious amounts of various social lubricants. Online, the fear of rejection isn't there in that same way and I find myself being honest and relaxed. By the time I actually meet someone from online in real life, there will be a connection of some sort already there. Sure someone can lie online, but it isn't like no one has ever been lied to in person when it comes to dating. So why the stigma????

I feel better now. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.
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BustiRubi
post Mar 23 2009, 01:57 AM
Post #18


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Posts: 53
From: Santa Cruz, CA


QUOTE(girltrouble @ Jan 19 2009, 09:25 AM) *
mono-syllabic.

... living (he's a pro card player, and has won championships, all of which i've checked, and he's legit)... while i work on an art career, and if things go well with us, we can travel, and live anywhere we like.

...and ok, i think he's smart in ways that i'm not, like business wise, numbers wise, etc. you know all that type a, left side of the brain stuff. ... i like people that are interested in exploring. i set him up at this fun little hotel-- my favorite building in seattle -- which is this cool old building that has this great old facade with walrus busts circling it's exterior, and i tell him too look at the outside of the building, and he goes, "so? it's just old." and i tell him to look at the walrus busts, and he shrugs, saying, "yeah. they have lots of old buildings in LA." and i just want to smack him. i wanted to watch rock of love bus (cos i love trashy tv) which he hated, but that's understandable. but he watched all of 2 minutes of flight of the conchords before deciding it wasn't for him, got up and did work.

...but the other part of me thinks there is always another shoe gonna drop in my life,



Ok, the gist of it sounds all too familiar with me, except I haven't been in a serious relationship like the one I'm in now. After a year now it's all a little clearer now that were past the getting to know interesting things about each other part because he seriously meant he loves using his computer and playing games. It took me living with him to realize how serious he really is and me opening my eyes to this reality.

I found It exciting that he aspires to be a pro poker player and now that I know all that info and realize how school interferes with anything else exciting chatting online has become mono-syllabic for us-as you mentioned something similar.

After the end of this school year we will of course no longer live together (hence my interest in this thread) because I must finish school. At the current moment we are apart for this spring break and rely on our little AIM/text/rare calls ...

I forgot where I was really going with this...but I love exploring too and have to get out a lot and he prefers not to dry.gif . I empathize with you in this type of longing although a lot of things are good in our relationship. I too am studying art while he gets his BA in Astrophysics and Econ, I'm the emotional one and he's the stoic. I have to wonder what really comes out of an "opposites attract" relationship in the long run.
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anna k
post Mar 7 2009, 11:57 PM
Post #19


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 1,687
From: NYC


I just messaged with a guy on Okcupid who wrote me all these really nice things about me, like "I think you're really sexy in that nice toned down geeky type of way," and he wanted more of a hookup. I considered it, but he lives out in Brooklyn and I'm in Queens, and is only avaliable at night, and I live with my brother, and the guy suggested that we get a room somewhere. It just felt sketchy (even if he is five years younger than me), and I'm a little sick of brief hookups with guys who I use for the sexual experience and never want to see again. I'm not really interested in a boyfriend, but not into sex with strangers anymore unless it's the right moment.

But I can just appreciate the compliments he wrote me, like "Once again, I think you're really sexy. I'm kind of a geek myself so I think that's why I'm attracted to you," "just find you attractive and I want you.. in a very specific way," and "Geekyness is a strange turn on for me, if there's some beauty to go with it..hence my first message to you lol." So those things made me feel good.
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thirtiesgirl
post Jan 19 2009, 03:47 PM
Post #20


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Posts: 580
From: Loss Angeles


I've experienced the hot/cold - good/bad thing with guys before, like you were describing. Parts of their personality and how they express their feelings about you are wonderful. Other things they do/how they are...not so much. If you can take the drama, go for it. Personally, I'm not so much of a drama seeker that I need it. I've had a couple of "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf"-type relationships and it's just too much for me.

Also, consider this: things are still new with you guys, so of course he's gonna be all into you, saying the right things, etc. Give it time. See if he's able to keep it up and continues to mean it.

And consider this: in every relationship, there will be things you just don't like about the other person (which I'm sure you know). Think about the things you don't like about him and think about experiencing that on a permanent basis. Could you handle it, or is it a deal breaker for you? I'm currently doing the same thing with my long-distance guy, trying to think of what I can live with (emotionally speaking) and what I can't. I'm certainly not coming up with an immediate answer because it takes time. But I think it's a worthwhile thing to consider.


--------------------
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
-Mae West
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Lo-Fi Version Time is now: August 1, 2014 - 08:43 AM