[quietmadness]

Karianne, Lavinia; Thanks so much for asking! :-)
I'm ok.
I'm a recovering addict myself, with over a year clean.
I'm also *extremely* relieved that "Ms. X" hasn't had the jewels about herself to drive that Ply-Dodge Van up into my driveway. That wouldn't be a wise move...but then, when one is stoned out, one rarely has the ability to realize what's wise. I know I never did!
My support and best wishes are with everyone who's got this affliction/disease/decision affecting their lives, either directly OR indirectly.
(((busties)))

[karianne]

Darn it! I had a post, I pushed a button & now it's gone...

Basically...

((island girl)) How are you feeling? Any better? It's really hard not to be anxious, I know. I have the same problem, the wanting to control, trying to keep everything in line. It's exhausting, isn't it?

mel...hmmm. I don't think that necessarily sounds like too much too drink, but if you are feeling like it is, then for you it might be. How long has this been going on? If it's been short lived, I might not worry about it. Could you stop if you wanted to? I go through phases where I drink wine every night, but about 1 glass, maybe 2.

[agent_wasabi]

i had to change my username because i couldn't login with my old one, so island_girl is now agent_wasabi!

yup yup, the anxiety and worry sure is exhausting. my brother works in a camp-like setting, so he's out of town in a remote area for a week, then back home for week. i always find myself feeling rather edgy during those weeks when he's back home, because i know that's when he used before (he claims to have never used while he was in camp working). anyway, he's been home since monday evening and i found myself feeling a little frustrated last night because i haven't heard from him yet, nor has he responded to an email i sent a couple of weeks ago where i laid out some pretty raw feeilngs.

i know that i could just call him, and i probably will do so tonight, but i feel like it would be nice for him to make an effort too. i can't help but feel that i've done so much for him over the past few months (i.e. planned the intervention, organized getting him into treatment, visiting him at the treatment centre every sunday for 2 months, sending letters and faxes every few days, etc.); not that i feel he owes me anything, but i don't know... i just want to know that he cares about me as much as i care about him, and i guess i'm looking for some recognition of how hard i worked to get him help. i feel like we were always so close before, and now i feel like our relationship is really fractured and i don't know what to do about it. it makes me really sad, actually; i feel a sense of loss. like, i thought there was this person i knew, and i'm realizing that i didn't even really know him at all. i don't know... it's such a mixture of sadness and worry and anger and... argh!

last week i had myself convinced that everytime he said he was "going to a [AA] meeting," it actually meant that he was going out to use. i had to reel myself back in and remind myself that i have no control over what he's doing, and consuming myself with worry isn't going to change anything.

i'm reading a really good book right now - it's called "when things fall apart" by pema chodron; one of the main themes of the book is that ultimately, life is totally uncertain and we can't predict what will happen next, and we need to learn to "relax into the groundlessness of our situation." realizing that life is groundless and that we have no control over things is a little scary, but also feels really liberating.