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> "i have a bone to pick with you..." problems with friends
ms.gb
post Aug 8 2006, 12:19 PM
Post #1


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 438
From: Los Angeles, California...west siiiide!!!


thats a tight spot, sillygrrl...i would keep going to the group but just not talking to her...unless you all sit at one table or some such thing...at some point, it will either escalate in public or just disintegrate. just my 2 cents.

((mornington))
((sillygrrl))
((erinjane))

here's a random thought of confusion...i'm married. i wear a wedding band. yet people still act shocked when i tell them i am married..am I breaking proper decorum by being myself and not changing one bit now that i am married?!?! i don't know if this is the right place for this..but my friends...who i have known for 6 months...are just realizing this...maybe they aren't friends afterall. thoughts?



--------------------
"If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance."
- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
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sillygrrl13
post Jul 31 2006, 12:42 PM
Post #2


BUSTie
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Posts: 51
From: Florida


With apologies to mornington & erinjane for jumping in before you got feedback;

I have to get this out. I'm SO pissed off & hurt.
I joined a Meetup group to hopefully find gals to hang with, cuz meeting friends after college (way after, in my case!) ain't easy. Things seemed cool, then along comes Nancy. She starts sending me emails. I'm OK with that, but NOT ready to hang out, cuz I don't like her whole "center of attention" vibe.Couple of weeks later, some of us went out. I'm being my normal silly self (as was she) & everyone's laughing & having fun. The topic got on sex & I said it had been ages. Now, the group knows I just recently broke up with my boy after 17 years, so I'm sure everyone put 2 & 2 together, but she just blares out some shit, along the lines of why wasn't I getting any & why did I stay if I wasn't.(She calls that being direct. I call that lack of tact.) I joked it off with a no comment type response. The next day, some of us went out & were laughing our selves silly, but Nancy keeps up with the snarky little comments, little jabs at me. I can talk smack with the best of them, so I did. Afterwards, the emails, even an e-card, keep coming, like she's my buddy. She even straight up asked me why I had left feedback for others & not her.(Uh, cuz you get on my nerves, dumbass.) I met her for coffee Fri. & she was talking about people in the group, which I told her wasn't cool when she hardly even knows them. Saturday, some of us went out & the snarky little comments begin again. (Ignoring doesn't work with this bitch. She escalates.)She starts telling the group things I said to her conversationally (about myself) the day before, which were not HERS to present. I wanted to crawl under the table! After talking to a couple of friends OUTSIDE the group to check myself,I sent her an email later, politely askng her to lay off & stop telling my shit to everyone. If it's about ME, I'LL share it. To make an already long story short, she went the fuck OFF! NO fault or blame of her own AND she had asked someone IN the group if they perceived her as rude to me. (They didn't-probably didn't want to feel her wrath!)I don't want to quit the group, but how am I going to get out of hanging out with her?(She goes to everything.) I'd rather spit on her than talk to her & as far as "time heals all?" Fuck her, too late. I don't need this childish shit. Any ideas?
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mornington
post Jul 27 2006, 04:15 PM
Post #3


now running on biodiesel and sacrificial blood
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Posts: 2,227
From: the little house on the hill


**sweary rant warning**

fucking arsehole of a boy who appears to be my friend cannot comprehend how I could possibly be offended by something I have repeatedly told him not only offends me but fucks me right off. It does not matter who it comes from, and the reasons behind it. It fucking offends me. Telling me to ignore it or that I'm being silly about it does not make it any less fucking offensive. I do not give a flying fuck if he thinks I'm being silly. He would not be fucking bored if he just pretended to listen for ten fucking seconds before disagreeing with what offends me, because I wouldn't have to explain it to him for the fiftieth fucking time, or explain to him over and over and over a fucking gain that I am offended no matter who it comes from and why.

Arsehole.
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laluna
post Jul 5 2006, 06:08 PM
Post #4







zillahgirl, one thing you might want to mention him -- not out of judgement but for his legal safety -- is if at any point she says anything like "well actually I am only 15" he needs to say adieu.

Not just because that makes it very illegal... but also because that cute 18 year old could turn out to be a big, manly police officer.
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erinjane
post Jul 4 2006, 06:01 PM
Post #5


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 1,301
From: Winnipeg


Grrr...I just have to rant. This weekend I'm going to the Winnipeg Folk Fest, a big event here, and my two best friends just arranged a ride with a bunch of my other friends and left me to find my own way. I'm extremely pissed off, so angry I just went in my room to try and cool off but got angrier and then had one of those angry cries. It's so maddenning because I'm the one who got everyone to go, picked up the ticket for the person who's driving, and asked him (although quite a few weeks ago now) if I could get a ride if he was driving.

It's especially hurtful to me because I just recently told them how I've left out lately, like an after thought. This doesn't really do much for my self esteem and stress issues.

/rant.


--------------------
I Could Tell You Stories That Would Make Your Ears Curl
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mornington
post Jul 2 2006, 12:15 PM
Post #6


now running on biodiesel and sacrificial blood
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Posts: 2,227
From: the little house on the hill


I can't think of anything much to add, but I'm not awesome at all

At least - if he could stand her long enough to date her - then you wouldn't have to deal with her. At least he's aware that you're uncomfortable, even if it isn't precisely your business - and you can't help wanting to dwell on it.

Irritating friend is now not talking to me *sigh*. My own fault for having such a temper.
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zillahgirl
post Jul 2 2006, 12:59 AM
Post #7


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 175
From: Maryland


So here's an update (mostly for mornington, who is awesome for listening). Today I went over to Friend's house and he mentioned that he and girlie have exchanged IM nicknames (but I don't know if there's been any convo). Anyhow, he showed me the profiles of a couple other women who have messaged him, then he showed me her's (he'd forgotten he already had sent it to me). So I asked him if he'd seen the high school bit, and he hadn't actually, but said "Oh, maybe it's outdated". So I told him "Maybe, but that means that she either JUST graduated or is still in." I told him that, yes, she's cute, but that the age thing bothered me and he told me that he knew that, but that I'd have to get over it. And that it annoys him when I mention these things. So I asked him flat out, "Look, you know that I love you, but honestly, this girl aside, in general, doesn't the 18-year old thing bother you?" and he said that maybe it did, but that it was none of my business. Which yeah, is true. I really think that the high school thing threw him more than he'd admit to me. Who knows? I mean, knowing his ways, it's doubtful that I'd ever really meet any girl he dated (he "likes to keep his worlds separate"), but at least I made myself known and that helped me a little. Also, seeing the girl's profile again, I think, cute or no, he'd kill her within minutes. Sigh. I do hate whatever part of my personality that makes it impossible for me to not dwell on things that I cannot control and that don't really affect me. GAH!
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zillahgirl
post Jul 1 2006, 09:04 AM
Post #8


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Posts: 175
From: Maryland


Yeah, I've decided that there's no point in saying anything until he actually DOES something. I mean, there's no point in starting a fight where he thinks he's being judged over a couple of emails. I may (if he tells me too much at some point) tell him that I don't want to hear about it. If he actually starts seeing the girl, then I may have to make some tough decisions. It really just feels wrong to me.
As for your sitch: Boys. Are. Dumb. It's not original, but it's what I have.
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mornington
post Jun 30 2006, 03:46 PM
Post #9


now running on biodiesel and sacrificial blood
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Posts: 2,227
From: the little house on the hill


zillah, I've told him repeatedly. It's slightly added too by him acknowledging he finds me attractive &, well, doesn't want to sleep on the sofa. So I'm getting pulled in all directions besides just the irritation of getting ready for him to arrive. Grr. Bloody boy. Flaming argument ensued.

I can understand your friend feeling defensive; my ex used to get very defensive over the age gap between us (eight years). It may be that he's a little uncomfortable himself with it too. I can't really offer much of a solution; if he's not thinking of dating this girl I'd leave him too it though. He knows you're not comfortable, and there's no more to be said.

eta: ooh, it's you who added me! cod I'm dim sometimes :-)
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zillahgirl
post Jun 30 2006, 11:56 AM
Post #10


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Posts: 175
From: Maryland


mornington,
See, that's one of the problems: he's incredibly defensive when he thinks he's being judged. I got the feeling from some of the things that he said to me yesterday when he told me about her that he was baiting me in response to my initial "She's HOW old??". For example, we went dancing last night, and he pointed out a girl he found attractive, I wasn't seeing it, so I shrugged or something, and he got really pissed off. He considers that to be judging HIM, so he gets very very prickly. Sigh. I mean, I get the feeling from this chick's profile that he'd not be able to handle an hour with her in real life, but the fact that he's okay with the age thing is just off to me.

As for your rant, I don't think you're overreacting at ALL. That's really inconsiderate (at the very least) of this guy. Have you told him how it makes you feel?
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mornington
post Jun 30 2006, 06:20 AM
Post #11


now running on biodiesel and sacrificial blood
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Posts: 2,227
From: the little house on the hill


I'm just coming in here to rant. sorry.

This is the third time in a month one of my oldest friends has decided he's coming down to visit, and then told me he's not coming only a few hours before I was due to meet his train. Every time he comes up with an excuse, and they're rather old - someone else has done something which means he can't do what he wants - and I'm frankly sick of it. I go through the rigmarole of tidying my house, rushing to get my work done early so I've got the day free, and telling my local friends and flatmates an out-of-towner is coming in. Only to discover that he "can't make it". Am I overreacting?

zillah, have you told him this makes you seriously uncomfortable? No, there's probably not a lot you can do, but your friend might not realise quite what you think of this. Has he met the girl? (and I don't think you're overreacting. I'm not yet twenty, and I think she sounds odd. She's eighteen, she's a kid, why is she on an online dating site?)
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zillahgirl
post Jun 29 2006, 05:50 PM
Post #12


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 175
From: Maryland


Okay. I'm probably overreacting wildly, but:
My best friend (here anyway), who is 31, has been on a dating site recently getting messages here and there, and...well
I talked to him today and he told me that he'd been messaged (and responded, though "he didn't come on to her") to an 18-year old girl. Now, I know that everyone is at different stages at different ages, and I can't judge by myself (I was an absolute CHILD at 18), but this really bothers me. I know I can't go around judging people because I don't agree with their actions, but she's 18, and according to her profile is "working on high school". All of this makes me feel like he's verging into creepy mode, and I don't know what (since I doubt there's anything) that I can do.
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quietmadness
post Jun 24 2006, 07:01 PM
Post #13


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 227
From: Somewhere in time


Mermaidgirl: Sounds exactly like myself and a girl I went to high school with in my senior year.

She's an idiot. I don't want anything to do with her, but I'm not confrontational enough to tell her how I feel when she calls. I'm just nice to her on the phone or whatever, then I'm glad she's decided to finally hang up.

If she's not calling you, take it as a sign. Friendship is a two way street. If she's staying on her side, well...
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hummingbird
post Jun 24 2006, 07:00 PM
Post #14


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Posts: 200


mel, it doesn't sound like she's very sensitive to your feelings...

i had to let go of a friend that is really a strong woman, i admire her a lot, and she's beautiful without effort and/or vanity, but it became a chore to be around her...i just let go...i just went my own way...stopped calling...there wasn't a need to discuss anything...she had her own life...today, we can talk on the phone every once in awhile and have this amazing connection...if she ever needed anything i'd be there for her in a minute and vice versa...but we're too different to be trying to hang wit each other every weekend...hope this helps a little...
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mel
post Jun 24 2006, 05:24 PM
Post #15


BUSTie
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Posts: 32


I am in the process of having a break-up with a friend, and it's bumming me out almost like a broken romance would. If she were a closer friend, it would be worse than a romance. I've been in this cycle with her for years where we get closer when she's single, we're okay when we're both with someone, then when I'm the single one, I can't seem do anything right and she is annoyed whenever I draw attention. I'm not particularly enjoying being single this time around and if I manage to eek out some flirtation once in a while, it sucks to be told later that I made a fool of myself. She is a very attractive person and though I have my own beauty, hers is the kind that is universally agreed on. So this seems really backwards to me.

She is even arguing with me about how I run my business--something completely out of her realm. I just don't feel like going through this cycle with her yet again and compromising yet again. I think this is the last round. But it won't be without some sadness.

Has anyone had a friendship reach this stage and then been repaired, or any insight at all?
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ginger_kitty
post May 24 2006, 02:42 PM
Post #16


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Posts: 1,237


So I have this friend that always talks badly about me behind my back. She does it to everyone she is friends w/ including her own boyfriend and family members. (Actually she is family sort of so I can't just get rid of her.)

But she won't quit. If you confront her about is she starts spewing excuses for her nasty behavoir and/or crying. What can I do?


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-We are here on Earth to fart around. Don't let anybody tell you any different.

-What we think, we become.
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voodoo_princess
post May 24 2006, 11:38 AM
Post #17


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Posts: 290
From: Next Door


Thank you ((raskel))... I'm glad to see I'm not the only person who thinks this situation to be WONKY!!!!!
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raskel
post May 24 2006, 11:03 AM
Post #18


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Posts: 321


Voodoo, I would tell her where to go!! $50 for the week, and she's gonna be like that? I don't think so. Sounds to me like you're already doing her a favor with your services.
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voodoo_princess
post May 24 2006, 10:35 AM
Post #19


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 290
From: Next Door


I am developing issues with the mother of one of the children I babysit.... I am beginning to view her as extremely ungrateful and hauty!
I ONLY charge $50.00 per WEEK for my FULLTIME babysitting services (Mon-Fri 5:45AM -3:00 PM or later) and this is for babies under 6 monthes of age! No where will they find anyone cheaper than I am and I charge this amount because the mothers are single and young and don't make so much money (like $10.00 to $13.50 per hour)
ANYWAY.... this one mother seems to think that it is my job, as her babysitter, to cater to her every whim and take care of baby related things that she doesn't "enjoy", for her! For example... she doesn't "like" to trim her babies nails because it makes him cry so she expects ME to do it and will actually let the babies nails get soooo long and then have the nerve to comment on it when she picks him up from my house and say something like..." oh, you didn't do his nails today? they're getting awfully long and I supposed you would have them trimmed by today " WTF???? basic baby care is HER responsibility I would think! I mean sure I can trim nails occasionally, but to EXPECT that I will do it every time it needs be done? HELLO!
And then just this morning, she informs me that she needs me to change the baby's feeding schedule that I have had him on for the past several monthes because it "interferes with HER afternoon GYM SCHEDULE"!!!!!! OMG.... this is the stupidest shit I have ever heard! The baby has to be fed differently because it is inconvenient to her for him to eat at 2PM at my house? It mucks up HER gym schedule?
Also, when she gets here to pick him up after work, she is constantly smelling his hands and commenting if they don't smell as good as she wants them too.... the baby chews on his hands (as all babies do) and drools quite a bit as I think he is teething a bit... I wash him several times during the day and wash him right before she arrives but she seems to think that I should have some control over his chewing habits and that I have nothing better to do than sit around with a fresh cloth and make sure his hands smell "baby fresh"!!!!! She also doesn't like me changing his clothes because it creates "too much laundry for her".....
Sorry for going on like a madwoman but I just think that if I were the one getting $50.00 per week childcare in a nice home with a person taking good care of my baby, that I would be bending over backward to show my gratitude!!!!!
Some people just burn my ass!!!!!!
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mermaidgirl13
post May 23 2006, 10:33 AM
Post #1


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 406
From: Boston


I've been having weird issues with my best friend from high school. High school was almost a decade ago, but we've kept in touch ever since - definitely in close contact all through college and have been on a few long weekends together during college. But over the last six months, I've called her several times a month but she never calls back. She answered twice. Both times we chatted for a few minutes before she said she had go but would call me back (but never did). I haven't brought it up with her, even though I really want to.

What's weird is that even though she hasn't returned calls, I saw her on New Year's Eve and she seemed really thrilled to be hanging out with me/the old group. And when I got her on the phone a few weeks ago to tell her I was going to be back in town for Memorial Day, she seemed really thrilled again and said I should keep her posted so we can hang out. But she hasn't answered or returned my calls since.

I'm confused. I'd be okay with letting the friendship fade into history if she wasn't sending me mixed messages. I don't want to just drop her if she doesn't actually want to be dropped, but who can tell?

Also, a sidenote, the two times I got her on the phone, after she expressed enthused interested in hanging out, all she talked about was how much money her live-in boyfriend is now making. Annoying.
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