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> "i have a bone to pick with you..." problems with friends
stargazer
post Jun 21 2009, 12:51 PM
Post #41


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(((ketto))) It really sounds like you are trying to be as direct, honest, and open as you can with your friend. Kudos for trying to be the mature one in this situation. I think it is a tough line to hold when people (like her twin) try to bait you into a 3 ring circus. That type of triangulation is quite seductive.

QUOTE(ketto @ Jun 20 2009, 03:39 PM) *
She thought I was against her wedding because I always say I never want to get married.


Dude, that's her insecurity and immaturity with handling someone's values and beliefs which are different from hers. I've come to learn that when people voice a different opinion and feel immediately threatened that you are judging them are not really working from a secure place (ego can be a bitch and make you think everything is about you--meaning your friend). I think these people fail to give you credit for being supportive of others' choices even when your choices are different.

I hope things work out with your friend.


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candycane_girl
post Jun 20 2009, 08:10 PM
Post #42


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(((((ketto))))) I don't even know what to say. I mean, really if the bride had had an issue with you all along then she should have said something herself. And no offense to twins but they do tend to have a weirder, more intense connection than other types of siblings.

I'm guessing that maybe she didn't want to be sound negative so maybe that's why she didn't voice her dislike over certain aspects of the wedding and now it's all getting to her so she's saying it at the last minute. I don't know much about brides but it seems like there is so much to deal with and it can be so stressful and what bothers one bride wouldn't bother another. Maybe she was just reaching her breaking point with the stress so that's why she's speaking up now. As for her being worried about you judging her, that doesn't make much sense. Just because you don't want to get married doesn't mean that you wouldn't support her decision. I have no idea where she came up with that.

Anyway, I hope you two can get things sorted out before the wedding.
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ketto
post Jun 20 2009, 03:39 PM
Post #43


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Oh my god, this situation just got stupid. I can't even believe it. Unfortunately they're out of town so this is all via email and I can't even call her up. Let me preface this by saying, these are twin sisters so they have their own special kind of relationship and both have some odd tendencies.

The bride emailed me indicating she was not happy with my response to her sister and let me know she was actually really upset about the rehearsal and lied about disliking her sisters shoe choices. I was floored, really and truly. She's one of my best friends so she's just been lying or keeping her mouth shut around me apparently because she was afraid I'd be angry...? Most of my friends say one of the things they like about me is that I'm not judgmental and I'm always supportive!

She thought I was against her wedding because I always say I never want to get married. She kept saying she didn't want me to be disappointed or upset. The only thing I've been concerned about is what she wants for HER wedding. And she kept pretending to agree with what I was saying.

I wrote her back and let her know I was angry and that I needed her to be honest with me from now on. When she lies like this we both end up getting hurt. If she just told me all these things from the start they never would have turned into issues anyway.

I feel like all the trust in our relationship just got blown away. *sigh* We've been friends for 17 years so no doubt, this will be repaired, but this is going to take some time. On her end. She obviously hasn't felt like she can trust me, but I really don't know if I can trust her now. I was really diplomatic in my reply and let her know I know she's stressed and this isn't another stress she needs, but this needs to change now. I love her and care for her and want her to be happy, but it obviously causes a huge stress on her when she pretends and lies to me.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's dishonesty. Paperboy and I have gotten into a few "almost-fights" over his passive-aggressive, guilting, or manipulative behaviour. If everyone was just honest from the start the world would be much happier!

I was all non-stressed anymore and felt good about straightening things out but gah, this had me shaking and in tears. I can't believe she was trying to placate me all this time! The stupid thing is she would have been so much happier if she just told me how she really felt.

I wish I could just let this roll off me now. God, these twins have caused me stress over the years.


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zoya
post Jun 20 2009, 01:29 PM
Post #44


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ketto - I say, fuck it. Just let it roll off you, knowing that 1) you've been more than accommodating - people do have a life they have to work around, though some people would have you believe that everything in the world should stop for their (in this case, their sister's) wedding - you've done a damn good job of scheduling around it. 2) she is being completely out of line, especially since it's not her wedding. Sounds like if her sister had a problem with it, she would have told you. Don't even bring anything up with her - clearly it's drama she wants to stir up, and just letting it roll off without saying a damn thing or letting it get to you will make you the bigger person (besides the fact you have nothing to feel bad about) plus it probably make her fucking crazy that she can't ruffle you. Thus the shit backfires on her. ha!

people like that aren't even worth the time to get stressed it's so obvious they're out of line.
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candycane_girl
post Jun 20 2009, 11:17 AM
Post #45


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ketto, people like that are a bitch to deal with. They get all bent out of shape over something that, in the grand scheme of things, isn't going to have an impact on the situation. Sometimes I think they do it for attention, mainly wanting people to feel sorry for them and all the (self-inflicted) stress they have to deal with. Like everyone else, I think that as long as the bride isn't upset with you then there is no problem.
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ketto
post Jun 20 2009, 07:13 AM
Post #46


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Apparently she sent a similar one to the other bridesmaid in regards to the stagette two weeks ago. The other bridesmaid had something that would have made her an hour or so late (for a party that was lasting from 2pm-2am) and the non-marrying sister wrote her a guilt tripping email too. The bridesmaid was just saying to me how she can't stand her guilt trips.

I honestly don't know how she expects someone to reply to something like that. Gah! I think they're at a wedding today so I'm not expecting a reply for a few days, or until after they get back.

Unfortunately I'm pretty sure she's going to insist I'm the one at fault. Ah well, I feel confident that she's the ONLY one getting bent out of shape over this and the bride and I are just fine.

I feel much better after some ventings. biggrin.gif


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stargazer
post Jun 19 2009, 11:23 PM
Post #47


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No, it was inappropriate behavior from the sister. She had no reason to send this email to you.


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auralpoison
post Jun 19 2009, 04:12 PM
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That was definitely a dick move on the non-marrying sister's part to send that to you. If the bride had a problem with it, she'd have told you herself, no? Cowardly to boot since she emailed it.


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ketto
post Jun 19 2009, 03:39 PM
Post #49


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I'm so mad at my friend right now. I'm friends with twin sisters. I'm much closer with the one who is getting married. We're having the rehearsal on Thursday at 5pm, or so I thought. The one getting married said the rehearsal was actually at 4 and I said that I couldn't get there till a little after 5. We discussed it and I told her I would try to get there and we just dropped it with the understanding I would be there ASAP.

Today I get an email from her sister.

"Hey ****,
So **** mentioned that you were missing the rehearsal on thursday for an appointment. This might seem harsh, but that's really not cool. You knew well in advance that the wedding party needed to be at my parents for 4, and that we were doing a family BBQ at 5pm. You are part of the wedding party and it's in pretty poor taste for you to be missing the rehearsal. **** hasn't asked much of us, and I think it's important that we all be there to support her. I'm sure she said it was okay, but I know ****, and she's probably really hurt that you are prioritizing a meeting over her wedding.

Anyway, it's up to you, but I really hope you'll should change/skip your appointment.

****"

I was so pissed off when I read it I started shaking. She has a history of guilt tripping people and using the "oh, I really know how **** feels, and I know she's not happy" when it's really just all her. Her sister (the one getting married) tells me she's been trying to get control of a few aspects that the bride just doesn't care about (shoes the bridesmaid should wear, sweaters, etc). It's no big deal because the rest of us don't care enough to argue and usually just go along with things. I couldn't let this go though, it made me so angry that she would deem it "in good taste" to send an email like this to a friend.

And contrary to what I was told, the original email that had the start time of the rehearsal DID say 5pm!

I sent a semi-heated email back and told her if her sister had a problem she could let me know herself. And then just to be safe I emailed the bride and let her know I had gone off a bit and just wanted to make sure we were good and that it really wasn't a big deal.

Am I alone in thinking this is totally innapropriate?


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kissmeducky
post Jul 28 2008, 02:46 AM
Post #50


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It's the summer after my first year of college right now and since I'm back with all my old friends it feels like high school all over again sometimes.

At school I was really lucky and developed an awesome, close group of friends. We were always there for each other and I somehow managed to end up as one of the "cool kids," where people sought me out and wanted to hang out with me all the time.

Back at home I still consider a couple of these girls to be my best friends but it's a whole different story. Maybe we're just used to each other so we don't care as much about treating people with respect, but there's this whole hierarchy and suddenly everyone's passing each other over so they can try and hang out with who they think are the cooler and better people to be hanging out with. Besides ending up routinely bored, it gets lonely, and the rejection isn't the best feeling either.

Also, it's difficult realizing which friendships didn't make it the year. I can now barely stand someone who used to be one of my best friends. And I just never thought that would happen with her and as much as I try to just accept that change happens it still is sad to see.


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humanist77
post Jul 24 2008, 09:59 PM
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So..the party was not actually on Saturday night, so I didn't see her there, but I did at work. It went as good as I could've hoped for, I guess. It's not easy to really convey the energy and all the expressions involved in this incident, but I feel pretty good about it. I walked over kind of coyly, smiling, and gave a little wave until she realized who I was...She of course didn't even recognize me for a second, and it was so unexpected, that I think she had trouble processing at first. It was also an early morning appointment, and she apparently hadn't really woken up yet either.

We only had a couple minutes before her first appointment, so it was just surprised, slightly nervous conversation. I told her about originally having an appt with me, but I had it moved, and she told me I didn't need to do that; it would've been just fine. The one thing that I consciously tried not to do was 'corner' her-it was her day off to come and relax at a spa, and i didn't want it to turn into something awkward. I didn't say anything about her cutting me off or anything about high school; it was just 'what are you doing these days' and 'do you like it?' And she came out and said 'yeah, i guess I just sorta cut ya off after high school....sorry" and I said it's okay, it was a long time ago and we're all grown up now, so-to-speak, to which she looked relieved that I felt so.

When she came out, there was about a half hour between her first and second appt, and i wasn't busy yet, so I walked by asked if it's all right to chat, and she sounded sincere when she said yes. So...I'm pretty good at sensing whether someone is uncomfortable talking to me, and also good at directing a conversation to keep it comfortable, and I was paying extra close attention to this conversation, because as I said, i really didn't want to ruin her spa-day. She definitely seemed tired and stressed in general, but I don't think it had anything to do with me being there. But we had a pleasant conversation. I was being very conscious not to say anything that might put her off, like even suggesting that we keep in touch. Mostly letting her do the talking and getting a feel for whether she was interested in hearing me talk. She mentioned something about knitting, and I said I knit a lot too, and she said 'oh! you should come to my knitting group!' And at some point she said something about how it would definitely be nice to hang out some time. I had not directed the conversation to her saying these things at all-I'm sure of that, so I feel pretty confident that she meant it. She went a little more into what happened after high school-without me getting into it-and I assured her that it was okay. i told her that i did stress about it for...awhile..but I realized that it was a different time in our lives, and I've even done the same thing to some close friends, so I could understand the reasons for it.

But..we got all caught up on current stuff, and there was much laughing and smiling-it was definitely slightly awkward, but I don't think she was uncomfortable. Her second appt ended at the same time my first one did, so I waited for her up at the front desk with my cell # already written down on the back of my card-I thought I'd just offer it-better than asking for hers-and when she walked up there, without saying a word, grabbed a card and wrote down her #, saying we'll definitely see each other soon. I said it was really nice to see her, and she opened her arms for a hug and thanked me for 'being so awesome' (probably for not bringing up too much about the past).

So...she made many indications that she was happy to see me and hoping to stay in touch, without any suggestion from me. So...definitely planning at some point to go to the knitting group some time...should I call her? Maybe think of something fun and neutral that we could do in the city? How soon? Lord, I feel like i'm dating or something...just don't want to screw it up : P

whew~thanks ya'll!


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konphusion26
post Jul 20 2008, 11:56 PM
Post #52


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QUOTE(candycane_girl @ Jul 18 2008, 06:03 PM) *
konphusion, you are definitely being used. I wish I knew what to say because I get very nervous at the thought of any confrontation but what they are doing is just not right! Hell, even my best friend who is basically like a sister to me still asks to eat stuff when she comes over. She doesn't just raid my fridge.


I guess my pissy, "hate being used" vibes actually worked without me having to say anything last week. It will probably come up again, in which case I shall say something. LOL


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hellotampon
post Jul 18 2008, 06:25 PM
Post #53


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That would piss me off too, but there's definitely going to be confrontation and misery unless her husband stops being such a dumbass about it!
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candycane_girl
post Jul 18 2008, 03:46 PM
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konphusion, you are definitely being used. I wish I knew what to say because I get very nervous at the thought of any confrontation but what they are doing is just not right! Hell, even my best friend who is basically like a sister to me still asks to eat stuff when she comes over. She doesn't just raid my fridge.
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konphusion26
post Jul 18 2008, 01:16 AM
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Humanist, sounds like a tricky situation. I'd ignore her, speak and be cordial but keep it moving. She hasn't been in your life all this time, no need to start now. Unless you really want her friendship back, that is. I'm the type of person, if you crap on me I have no further use for you. Period. Crude maybe, but it's helped me move on from friendships ending. Good luck dear!

I have an issue with some friends too. My issue is, I don't like to feel like people are using me. I don't like to feel like i'm being taken advantage of. More specifically, I don't like when people invite themselves to my home and help themselves to my stuff. For instance, a friend of mine (we'll call her F) came over yesterday and nonchalantly "told" me that she was coming over on Friday to do her laundry. Now, I've let her a few times - but this was not supposed to be an ongoing arrangement. Running appliances costs! Electricity is not cheap! We have one income! Its bad enough that we have to run the washer and dryer for our own clothes every week.

I guess I wouldn't be so pissed off if she at least brought her own laundry detergent and dryer sheets, and not wait till her entire wardrobe is filthy. We have a regular sized washer and dryer set. This is not a laundromat. We don't have the super washers and dryers. We have one set. My husband doesn't care, he's just so nice to everyone and just says thats fine. But its to a point now where she counts on us letting her come here to do her laundry. WTF was she doing with it before she met us?? We've only known her about a year and a half. She's a sweet girl, and we like hanging around her but come on dammit. I'm thinkin about OUR livelyhood here. Is she going to put in on the electric bill? Or even help replace the stuff she uses?? NO

Then there's this other friend (just got married) - he is the greediest mofo I've ever seen in my life. If you have something in your pantry or refrig. that he likes, he will literally keep going in there and eating it till its gone. We had 5 bananas on the table last time he came here... he ate 4 of them within like 10 minutes. I'm like dang were you even going to ask if we wanted some??? His wife ate the other one. My husband didn't say a word. I can't eat them so they were his that he'd bought. WTF is wrong with these people??? They come here to use the computer every week. WTF is this a laundromat /computer lab/restaurant????

I hate to be mean and evil and bitchy, but something's gotta give. I feel like we are being used. My husband doesn't see it that way. I really want to say something to these folks. SERIOUSLY. I'm about to pop trying to keep it in.


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humanist77
post Jul 17 2008, 08:40 PM
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thanks for responding, 176 & sybarite!
You both have good points-ignoring her or confronting it non-dramatically. I think what I was trying to think of before was 'nonchalant'.
It's just frustrating because it took so long to get over all of this, I finally got there, and now it comes screaming back, and I'll have to deal with it on a workday.
I actually have a party to go to Saturday night which I wouldn't be surprised to see her at, which would entirely diffuse the situation. That'll make things way easier~
I'll let ya'll know how it goes~


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I pledge allegiance to and wrap myself in the flag of the United States Against Anything Un-American and to the Republicans for which it stands, two nations, under Jesus, rich against poor, with curtailed liberty and justice for all except blacks, homosexuals, women who want abortions, Communists, welfare queens, treehuggers, feminazis, illegal immigrants, children of illegal immigrants, and you if you don't watch your step.
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sybarite
post Jul 17 2008, 08:46 AM
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I dunno humanist: I think I'd try and take the higher ground. Now you know she'll be coming in, I wouldn't necessarily go out of your way to see her on the day, as that's a little dramatic in itself. I would be prepared in case you bump into her though, and maybe think of what you want to say if that happens. I think you're absolutely right about moving her to another therapist and I think it's valid if you explain why. You could then end it there, saying you have an appointment, or say anything else you feel needs saying.

I understand how you feel: I've had dreams about ex-friends, and once even threw up through nerves before meeting one. Try to think of it this way: it's 5 minutes out of your life: at worst, you leave her with an impression of your dignity about the situation, at best you could achieve some sort of closure. But do it all on your terms, it's your place of work, you don't need anything more from her at this point. Good luck.
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p_176
post Jul 17 2008, 07:52 AM
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humanist, i'm sorry that your friend randomly dumped you. i've been there and it's not fun. in my case, the friend who dumped me, was apparently angry with me, but did not tell me for like, a year. i have run into her once since then, and i acted like nothing had happened, so she'd get that i was not trying to be her friend again (she's a grudge-holding bitch, and from what i understand, she's lost some other friends along the way since college). in your case, since the friend who dumped you has not told you her reasons, i'd totally ignore her. let her come to you if she wants.
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humanist77
post Jul 17 2008, 01:21 AM
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AP, I hope you get your doggy back : (

I'm seeking advice. I had a very close friend in high school, who, shortly after we graduated and she went off to college, cut off contact with me. This was obviously intentional, as all of my efforts to reach her were blatantly ignored, and she was still in contact with many mutual friends who lived in our hometown.
Several *years* were spent mulling over this issue; I was deeply confused and hurt that such a close friend would just cut off ties without any explanation or obvious reasons. I'm ashamed to say I might have been a bit obsessive over it for a time. I had countless dreams about her, and most of all, I wondered what I would do or say if I ever saw her again. I've always known that a reunion would be inevitable eventually, as we do have so many mutual friends. Would I be the bigger person and be nice and cordial, or be a total bitch, or just act like I don't even see her and stick my nose up? Part of me definitely would want to do the last two, but who knows how it'll actually happen.

So six years since I've seen or talked to her, and I am now honestly over the situation. I just couldn't bare giving it anymore thought or energy. I'm even pretty damn sure why she stopped talking to me, and I'm actually okay with it. I feel pretty neutral about her, but if anything, somewhat curious. I still wonder what I would do or say if I saw her again, but nothing more than that. The last couple of years have been stress-free over this. No dreams, no attempts to contact, barely any thought or feeling towards it.

But about a month ago, I was at work (I work in a day spa) and we were putting stamps on postcards that go out every month to clients for their birthday. This is a mindless, repetitive activity that goes quickly, and I rarely stopped to look at the addressee. But the one that I did look down at was her name, and the address on it was in the neighborhood that she lives in. Also her b-day is in July, which is the b-day month we were sending them out for. Of course I was a bit jarred by this. I looked up her client file and confirmed *for sure* that it was her (same birth date, occupation, handwriting etc). Suddenly she's coming up after all this time in my work place, so at that moment, I was thinking about the issue again. Not stressing about it, just thinking. I probably thought about it the rest of the day, but I got over it again.

Until...yesterday when I was looking ahead at my schedule for next week and saw that someone had booked an appointment for her with me...yay. Needless to say, I had it moved over to another therapist. It would be nothing but awkward and nerve-wracking for the both of us. Massage is a very intimate event where both parties need to be comfortable to enjoy it. I know that it would not go well, and on top of that, she's paying good money for it, and it just wouldn't be fair. But...I will still most likely see her that day, and I'm glad that I have several days to think about it beforehand. Knowing myself, this will become less and less dramatic over the next few days, and I will come to a reasonable mind set about it.

But not just yet. I'm wondering if anyone has any opinion on what might be the best way to handle seeing her again, especially at my workplace, which is like my own little world away from personal issues like that. I just think it's cruel fate I have to be faced with her again in this setting, and not at a more neutral one, like a party or something, where I always assumed it would be. I almost want someone to tell me that it must just be fate, because it's really not likely that this situation would occur at all. She doesn't even live near the spa, and I'm not sure why she goes to it. And the fact that someone placed her with me for the massage. Just weird....Anyway, should I pretend like I didn't even know that she was coming, or should I just hide out in my room that day and try to avoid her entirely, as not to disrupt her visit at all?..or should I just confront her maturely and say that I thought it would be her, so I had them change therapists because I wanted to avoid an awkward situation? This is just all coming to a head now, because for the first time after all of these years, I'm now faced with the opportunity of seeing her again. Just not sure what to do!

Thanks for reading/considering this! I feel like I just typed a novel : P

Oh, and my bf thinks I'm nuts b/c of all this. He just thinks it's going overboard for someone I was 'just friends' with. I think boys are just different : P


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I pledge allegiance to and wrap myself in the flag of the United States Against Anything Un-American and to the Republicans for which it stands, two nations, under Jesus, rich against poor, with curtailed liberty and justice for all except blacks, homosexuals, women who want abortions, Communists, welfare queens, treehuggers, feminazis, illegal immigrants, children of illegal immigrants, and you if you don't watch your step.
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auralpoison
post Jul 11 2008, 06:49 PM
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Okay. So the redneck stole the dog. I asked my aunt & uncle to take care of him while I was in hospital. I *specifically* asked my aunt to NOT let him take the dog. He'd finally found out that I'd changed the locks on him & I knew he'd view it as an act of aggression instead of a beginning to the setting of boundaries. So last weekend he went over & pulled his kicked puppy, "well, garsh ma'am" act & the stupid bitch gave him the dog. He's done exactly what I knew he was going to do & has dognapped Bubbles. I have all the dog's meds & stuff, I'm hoping he took him to the vet since that's what he told my aunt he was going to do. No phonecall, no nothing. He's MY dog. W could have a fuckin' porkchop in his pocket & that dog would still come to me. I don't know what to do.


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