[maddy29]

aaah, i'm waaaaay too jealous greenbean

[greenbean]

Am I the only one who thinks its a turn-on to talk/hear about past partners?
My dearly departed Brit Boy was all into discussing that stuff,..it started as a safety issue, but then we started swapping stories like that Jaws spoof scene in Chasing Amy.
I dont know if its a European thing but he didnt seem to have any hang-ups about me having a past,
and frankly, that really turns me off about American dudes, the whole "you were supposed to be saving yourself for me" bullshit.
If a guy I started seeing did think I was TOO experienced, I would take it as a clear sign that he has issues.

[maddy29]

Guess it goes to show that we're all different! Not that I didn't know that already (Durrh)....but just another great example.

I think having a relationship with someone (for me) MEANS sharing our pasts (not just about sex). It means sharing our secrets (not all) and our experiences. I really wanted to hear my boy talk about sex, and talk about his past experiences- cause I think that gave me clues that a blood test couldn't-like what kinds of risks he's taken, in what context did the sex happen (girlfriend, random hook up, prostitute, etc).

Hell, I even found out he'd made out with a crossdresser, not knowing it was a man THe way he talked about this was so cool, a lot of guys would never share that, and I found it so great that he wasn't threatened by it or anything....


I don't think anyone is entitled to know anything, it's just what you are willing to share, and what the other person wants to know about. I have major trust issues, so for me I wanted to know like, everything! Probably most people would prefer not to know though.

Maybe it's easy for me to say since I have like, no sexual history

[pepper]

but why would anyone be entitled to know WHO someone has been with in their past? that's so private. just because someone is having sex with me (or a relationship for that matter) doesn't entitle them to the details of my personal hisory. and that isn't about sharing and caring or whatever for me. it's really a personal thing, i'm a private person about that stuff and i don't want to share what's mine and no one else's. my memories and experiences make me who i am, and who i am is what i'm offering, not how i got to be me.
it's a personal call for sure, i just wouldn't give in to anyone else's expectation of all my secrets revealed for their perusal just because we were intimate. i wouldn't even tell most of that to a husband. really, we don't become one person, i'm still me, i think i still deserve to retain that, my individuality, my thoughts, my secrets.
so long as i'm not endangering anyone's health, and that can be determined with some blood work in a way that talking will never reveal.

[maddy29]

Ok, but don't you think asking about someone's sexual history IS part of having safe sex? I mean, yeah, I wanted to know what he's done (not like in great detail) and who he did it with. I mean, if he can't tell me about his past, then our relationship isn't going to go very far, and I'd rather know that before I sleep with him.

I'm thinking you are responding more to the number thing, right? And I agree, the number doesn't mean as much as what you did (safe sex or not) with those people. I guess the issue is more about judgement, rather than what is ok to ask, and what's not.

[pepper]

maddy, read what i wrote below. really, if you want to ask about someone's safe sex history and get mutually tested that's different that asking for "the list", ye know? yes, i discuss testing and safe sex history with my partners, regardless of whether it's a casual encounter or not. that's a given. but it's not the same thing at all.

[maddy29]

Hmm, I guess I see this really differently. When I started dating my current boyfriend, and things started progressing to the point where we were wanting to have sex, I needed to have a conversation about past partners and experiences.

I also told him that he needed to get tested for everything before I'd have sex with him, even though he told me he was fine. I also got tested, even though I hadn't had sex, well, practically ever But I thought, if I'm asking him to do it, I should do it too.

He was worried, because he thought I thought he was "dirty." But I was just worried. I wanted to feel comfortable and free with him (even though we used condoms for quite a while). I don't think it's invasive or rude-I mean, if you are going to fuck someone, how can it be rude to ask them who else they've fucked? I did'nt care about his number, or how he got to that number, I just wanted to find out if he'd had safe sex in the past.

For me, it was more embarrassing, because I'd had random sex like twice, years ago...

I guess it's different in the context of casual sex though- you don't really care as long as you're using a condom, I guess. I'm just paranoid about diseases, I guess, and I'm also not into casual sex and never have been (no judgement-just not for me at this point in life!)

[Kalevra]

In my opinion, I know we all have a past, and thats where it should stay, right?

I dated a girl a few years ago who not only told me (without me asking, mind you) how many men she had slept with, but also went into great details about each one.....not what I wanted to hear. Needless to say, the attraction disappeared VERY quickly, and she was relegated to singledom not long thereafter.

Some people might WANT to know, I do NOT. Those that do want to know, and ask me repeatedly will have to be very close to me to get even a 'glimmer' of my past sexual history. I would never ask anyone about theirs.

[pepper]

i could have slept with 100 men and used a condom with each one of them
OR
i could have slept with 10 men and used a condom with only a couple of them.

which is 'worse', if there is a worse here?

really, a number is just a number is just a number. asking for particulars like that is invasive at best. and anyone ANYONE who would judge me on the 'number' of encounters i've had and deem them too many or too few is no one that i want to get intimate with. that's super yucky.

what's next eh? where i've done it, in what position, which orifices, how many people at a time (heh), with what (heh heh)? what is ok then, and what is not?
seriously, where does anyone get off making those kinds of judgements about other people's sex lives? gah.

[_octinoxate]

Ok, I think I understand better now, princess. My bottom line about that issue is that as long as he has correct info about STD risks, he doesn't really have any right to know anything that you're not comfortable telling him yet. Of course, he *does* have the right to decide not to sleep with you until/unless he gets a complete sexual history, but I've *never* encountered a guy (or anyone, really) who operates that way.

I think that at this point, if I were starting to get involved with someone and that person asked me how many people I'd been with before, I'd probably respond with something like, "Hm. I'm not sure that I understand why you're asking me that. After all, it's a bit of a personal question, you know?" Then hopefully we could sort out why he was asking and sort out any concerns, etc. from there, perhaps telling my "number" and perhaps not telling it, depending on if it seemed necessary to settle whatever was up.

Also, I want to pose a question that's more rhetorical than anything: why are you reluctant about revealing that you had a random/casual sex phase? There could be tons of different reasons... a few of which might have to do with some internalized shame/guilt/dirtiness/etc. ideas about sex. If those are there, it might be worth exploring and sorting out within yourself.

[princessinabox]

Well personally, I'm not interested in knowing the number of sex partners that someone I'm with has had. Whatever the number would be I don't think would be important to me, but like you've said safety and keeping disease free has always been important to me.

I guess I'm worried about a guy getting hung up on number of sex partners, as in thinking that I've had "too many". Since ending my last relationship I had many partners and while I don't have any regrets about that, I also have gotten over that whole sleeping with lots of random men thing. That phase of my life isn't something that I'm ready to share with this guy, even though I can assure him that I always protected myself when with anyone.

[pepper]

ugh, not anyone's business but my own, wtf. really, who the hell asks that kind of question? it's RUDE unless you know the person well and/or it's REALLY in context. dang. i'd decline to answer that one at all. what i do and have done is private. well, 'cept i tell YOU girls but what the heck eh?

[venetia]

I'm not down with Lucy's suggestion either. All that self-denial... it would be like suffering from sexual anorexia. Sex is there to be enjoyed!! Not to mention it would more or less suck for both parties. To extend my anorexia metaphor I'd hate it if someone wanted to go out for a meal together and spent the whole time messing with their food in an attempt to make me feel bad. A whole relationship based on that would be hell on wheels.

That said, Lucy, I hope you feel free to stick around - most people may not agree with you or want to act like that but maybe we still have things to offer each other anyway.

Princess - as a general rule I try to say as little as possible until I know and trust a person really well. In the early stages of a relationship, people can come across as more casual than they are and fish for more info than they really want to hear. Other people can be totally cool with it but until you know them pretty well how do you know?

Plus, while it is their business that you have had safe sex and are disease-free, but who did what with who might be personal. My guess is to just disclose what you feel you're comfortable talking about to a person that you know that well.

Then again it may never come up. I for one have never asked anybody for a number or even an estimate!

[_octinoxate]

Welcome to bust, princess. What, exactly, are you worried about with regards to the "sexual pasts" conversation? That he'll think you've had too many partners? Too few? That you'll find *he* has a number you don't like? General awkwardness? I feel like it would be easier to give some input on how to handle it if we knew what the problem is. For me, I've always been more interested in talking safety issues--eg, have you been tested since your last partner, etc--rather than details of the person's past sex life. The number of past partners has never been a huge deal to me or to the person I'm about to sleep with (or already am sleeping with).

[erinjane]

In reply to lucy as welll:
I need sex, definatly. In fact, more often then not, I'm the one that ends up melting and losing control. But also, when I'm having sex it's with a partner, not a lap dog.

princess, in terms of how I handle it, I'm usually the one to ask. I don't care how many partners the person I'm with has had, I'm always just curious. They never seem to care about my number much either, and if they did I probably wouldn't stick around too long.

[princessinabox]

Hi Ladies! I'm a newbie here and have been sifting through some of the threads, looking for discussion about number of sex partners.

I've been talking to a guy that I'm thinking about getting into a new relationship with. My last relationship ended 2 1/2 years ago and I've had several casual sex partners since then. Things haven't yet gotten physical with this guy and I'm just worried about having that conversation when you tell each other your sexual past. Well, I'm mostly worried about the conversation where he asks how many partners I've had. I'm just wondering how others have handled this conversation in the past. (I was a virgin at the beginning of my last serious relationship, so this is new territory for me.)

[maimy]

Lucy79, you have found ENTIRELY the wrong audience for that sort of antiquated, emotionally stunted thinking. If you aren't joking, you might try to find a community more suited to your needs elsewhere. If you are ... it is by no means evident. And that ruins a "joke" unfortunately.

[pepper]

wow. i have a hard time being turned on by a man that i don't respect. sorry, that stuff below would never fly with me.
gotta love a man who's got some control. and a bit of dignity too.

[Lucy79]

My rule with guys, is to keep them sexually frustrated enough that they will do what you want. Flash a bit of cleavage, cross and uncross your legs, get all hot and heavy and no more a few times and they´re putty in your hands.

Men NEED sex women don´t! Or at least that´s how they see it. He´ll beg you for sex, get him to do whatever you want - sexually or not. If he´s a waste of space get another man...simple!

[toastybean]

im definately a penetration person too, sometimes i find myself thinking "wtf! stop f-ing around down there and just get down to business already!!"

...but do any of you other ladies find that when you haven't had clitoral stimulation in a while you want it even though you don't even like it?