[lapis]

The only guy who ever brought me to orgasm from just kissing was pretty small--but he was just that fantastic and I loved him that enormously. And in bed, things were great. I think emotions can go a long, long way in terms of attraction. And if those are there, you add some skill and self-knowledge of your body and it's bound to feel good. I mean, butt plugs, fingers, and vibrators can always be added if penetration's not that stimulating--but I really don't think size determines pleasure. Also, smaller members can be super-rock hard, which can be a turn-on compared to the semi-hard sleeping giants some men have. It's ok to be a size queen, too, but if this guy's had successful relationships in the past this concern seems a little (ahem) premature.

[jkat]

well in my experience with small penises, i've had both bad and good. mostly good actually. although not insanely small, i've got three men to compare here.
the first was a complete drunken encounter with a good friend and i ended up being turned off by his size in the end, but i think it had more to do with the alcohol wearing off.
the second was very good with his hands and with his tongue, but also knew how to use his equipment so that i actually didn't notice his size.
my current is also not very big, which is hard to ascertain from his body type (the first two were average height and pretty muscular). he's tall and well built. but again, he knows what he's doing in bed so it's really a non-issue.
as for the skinny guys, my first bf was really skinny (like, thighs don't touch skinny) and he had a nice sized penis. actually one of the larger ones i've come across.i just don't think you can really tell from build what you're gonna get in bed. plus, i think guys get so insecure about size when they're smaller than average that they work extra hard at pleasing their woman in other ways, which usually ends up meaning they are good at everything including actual penetrative sex.

i hope this is helpful. in the end though, i guess your friend will just have to find out for herself.

[humanist77]

I need some advice for someone else-really, it is for my BGP. She has been getting to know a guy intimately, but without sex, for a few months now-they are entirely head over heels for each other, but they are taking it seriously and slowly. She has had plenty of sexual experience, but she is still a bit naive-and has never slept with a guy who has a small penis. She's really concerned that his rather tall and lanky physique reflects his size, and that it's a bad thing. I keep telling her again and again that, first of all, a guy's body type is absolutely ZERO indication of the size of his nethers, that she will not find out until she has seen or felt his penis erect. Second of all, I tell her repeatedly that size doesn't have to matter-as long as he knows how to use it. That a well-endowed guy could be terrible in bed, and a poorly-endowed guy can be awesome in bed. Sure, size can make a difference with how it feels, but if he knows how to use it-different angles/positions, movements, good at oral, that is what really makes the difference. And of course, a big guy can be terrible-(which, I think is even worse, because these guys think they're great just because they are well-endowed)

They've talked intimately and extensively about their sexual histories, and he says he really loves sex and that he's had healthy, enjoyable sexual relationships before. He's been in two long term relationships. He also apparently takes it very seriously-he doesn't do casual sex, and he doesn't like to jump into it immediately in a real relationship. We've both known him as a friend for several years, and both she and I trust that he's not just saying this to get her into bed-she's actually dying to jump him at this point, and if that was his intention, he would've gotten her into bed by now. They snuggle, but they haven't even kissed on the lips yet-when she casually asked him why, he said that he won't do anything (at first) without her permission. She wants him to throw her up against a wall and have his way with her, but I doubt that will happen (at least the first time) My point though is that he seems rather sensitive and considerate, and he says he really loves sex, so that might be indicative of him being good in bed, regardless of his size. I mean, if he wasn't good in bed, and didn't know how to pleasure a woman, he probably wouldn't like sex, having had bad experiences.

SO~I need some advice on what else I can say to her-at this point, and after she finally finds out-what if he does turn out to be really small? And what if he is clueless in bed? What have all of your experiences been with small guys who are bad or good in bed? I know this has been discussed before, but the archives are daunting. Thanks!

[dayglowpink]

That's really neat. I haven't heard much about it, but I bet there's gotta be some information out there. It reminded me of perineal massage that people use prior to giving birth, and I know there's information available on that. Maybe searching for that would lead you in the right direction. Modern allopathic medicine is so out of touch with the relationship between our emotions and our physical bodies. It makes me really sad, too. I think that so many conditions could be helped if that connection was taken seriously.

[_octinoxate]

Wow, lorax! I have no knowledge or suggestions about this but I want to say congratulations and that I'm happy to hear you're making such progress and finding joy and pleasure in it! Yay!

[the_lorax]

Hey sexy ladies
So, I've had painful intercourse for as long as I can remember. Everytime. I was thrilled it I was able to have sex more than once a day. My vagina would get extremely sore. Lube helped to a very small degree. I started to see doctors and gynos about 2 years ago to try and see if there was anything they could do. This started a series of very disappointing and frustrating visits from various doctors with various degrees of expertise and interest in helping me. Way too many people have poked and proded my vagina over this. However, no one ever had any idea of what to do with me. They suggested everything from infections to STIs to endometriosis to cancer. I have basically lost most of my faith in modern medicine over these experiences.
This has been effecting all of my relationships. We all know how much attention the penis needs, and penises especially like intercourse. I was about to accept defeat and swear off men.
*But*
I just started a new relationship with the most patient and loving man, who has worked with me to 'cure' my 'problem'. His theory was that the root of my pain was stored tension in my pelvic area. He gave me a intimate massage (read: massaged the internal walls of my vagina). This was a hugely emotional and intense experience. As he would massage a tight area, I would experience the emotion tension that I was keeping in that area, and work to relax it and release it. My whole body was shaking and reacting to the experience. I really had not idea that I was holding all of my stress and emotions so tightly there. Afterwards, we had the most amazing sex of my life, free of the pain I had experienced for years and almost achieved orgasm simply from intercourse (something that I have experienced only a couple times in my life). This has to be one of the most intimate experiences of my life and it created a really intense bond between both of us. I am by no means totally 'cured' yet, but I have finally seen a way out of this vicious cycle. Oh that's what it's *supposed* to feel like. Yay.
I was wondering if any of you have ever experienced intimate massage, or had a similar experience releasing vaginal tension. I googled it but 'intimate massage' brought up results for brothels (hehe). I am also curious about further techniques we could try. Thanks!
L.

[kvinne]

Help!

How do I stop ejaculting from g-spot stimulation so that I can actually experience a g-spot orgasm!?

I have recently started ejaculating (gushing - a lot!) from stimulation of my g-spot, but although the build-up to it feels amazing as if I'm reaching climax, the "release" of ejaculating is terribly disappointing and doesn't feel like an orgasm at all. I'd rather not experience it at as it's not enjoyable and it gets so wet that sex is difficult to enjoy afterwards! I'm worried that the ejaculating is stopping me from reaching an orgasm. I thought I could keep trying and see if the feeling got better, but it only got wetter, not better! I'm actually very disappointed that I'm an "ejaculator" (and of large amounts) but all the information I can find on it is how to achieve it and about enjoying it. I want it to stop! Any ideas as to how to improve my sex life?

[LoveMyPugs]

And the award for longest post goes to

*drum roll*

BOBLINK!!!

*applause*

Just kidding! I know, I know I'm terrible at jokes.

The handjob probably won't last as long as reading all that.

Thanks Bob. I'm printing that one and sitting down to read it at my own pace.

[boblink]

I'd love any info about the art of the hand-job...my guy loves blow jobs, but i'm afraid i'm not that skilled when it comes to using my hands...haha

thanks for all the advice!

Oboypie,

Here's the result of your request for info. I hope it's helpful. You might want to print it out to review a time or two in the next year or so.

THE ART OF THE HAND JOB

INTRODUCTION

It's not rocket science. It can be a mere two-minute jerk in the bathroom.

But it can be a splendid, polished, work of loving art that he'll remember and want you to repeat many times. You may think of it being gaged on a scale of one to ten.

The teenage boy working for a quick orgasm in the bathroom is the low end of this scale. An adult man enjoying a loving hand job in a bedroom with no fear of interruption is the high end.

The high end, of course, can vary over a range of degrees of location, preparation and the skill of his mate. This is a short review of some popular and proven possibilities.

THE PURPOSE
One man said he told his late wife, “My thrill at your orgasm is second only to the joy of my own.” And she was amazed.

Let us recognize at the beginning of this discussion, that your thrill at his orgasm is second only to the joy of your own. You enjoy it whether it happens in your hand or your vagina. It's win-win every time one of you generates an orgasm for the other. Somewhere in this forum a couple of years ago, a college girl noted that “when boys learn they can make you cum they LIVE for it.

Yes, indeed. And you can recognize that same joy when you make HIM cum.

As considered here, the purpose is to achieve a higher goal, or set of goals, than the teenager in the bathroom. Among the many possibilities are these:

1.To relieve the nagging pressure for orgasm that builds up. This can be done in the car after a long session of smooching and playing. Just get it over and relieve the pressure for him. Two minutes max.

2.Mutual enjoyment of sex play as well as his orgasm. This can go on for an hour or so during which he may have brought you to orgasm once or more.

3.A major sexual pleasure that lasts in the range of ten to thirty minutes and ends in his orgasm. Here's your opportunity to produce a memorable experience for him.

THE PLACE
It's been done in tree houses, vacant houses, unfinished houses, on roofs, on back porches, back yards and side yards.

It's been done under blankets, coats and sweaters in buses, in planes, on the fly bridge of lake cruisers and on pickup trucks traveling busy highways. And it's been done standing on the stair landing in apartment buildings and in high school at the top of the stairs to a closed second floor gym. It's been done while the guy was driving sixty miles an hour on a four-lane highway. (That's not recommended)

You name a place that's reasonably accessible and someone has done it there. Here are some suggestions for some places to enjoy a satisfactory and memorable hand job.

1. Private bedroom with controllable heat and cooling, as well as private bathroom.
2. In a secluded place on the beach
3.In the car, of course, front or back.

SOME HELPFUL INFORMATION

Think of this as an event. It has a beginning, a middle and an end. Plan and perform it with that in mind. Here some random bits of knowledge that can benefit your thinking and performance.

REMEMBER this. You're both on a hormone high. Arousal is accompanied by Endorphins flowing in your brain and by Adrenaline in your chest. In simplest terms, endorphnins cause a feeling of joy, happiness and well-being. You can't be angry, resentful or unhappy while the endorphins are flowing. Adrenaline generates a feeling of excitement.

When you're aroused you're in a state of joyful excitement . That feeling lasts as long as your clit and his erection are up and throbbing. You're happy and he's happy. The happiness lasts as long as the hormone high, and decreases gradually in the afterglow. Following a good round of lovemaking the glow can last more than twenty-four hours. decreasing gradually.

If you enjoy a lovemaking session five or six times a week your high will continue, on and on. Aunt Flo will destroy your continuing high if you let her. But that's another subject.

AND CANDLES, TOO

If you want to create a truly special event, you might want to set up three or more candles in the room. Maybe an appropriate scent or incense. Candles are an impressive addition to a lovemaking situation in a mansion or a rustic cabin by a babbling brook. Think about it.

LUBE

Lube is like money; some people get along without it, but life is much better when you have plenty. The most popular recommendation for lube has always been Albolene, a cosmetic remover available in most drug stores. A very good alternative is Cold Cream. You probably have a jar in your bathroom, simplifying your preparation for joy.

HERE'S HOW. Dip up a big blob on the ends of two fingers. Hold his impatient penis still with the other hand and scrape off the blob on the head. Slow and easy, with a firm but fairly light touch, twist your hand to spread it around the head and down and around the shaft. Take your time and spread it well, giving it time to liquefy as you're twisting and sliding several times. Don't worry about his becoming impatient. It feels delicious and he loves every second of it..

In the absence of a better alternative you can use cooking oil. It's good but messy. Avoid it if you can. And probably the very bottom of the scale would be motor oil.
Lotions, in general, are poor choices because they disappear rather quickly, disrupting the action while you replenish it.

But, regardless of the differences, I emphasize that lube makes a major difference. It's necessary for a first class experience.

POSITIONS

TRUISM: What the mind can conceive, the body can achieve.

Any position you can visualize will work for him. For purely practical reasons it's a waste of good loving time to have him standing on his head, hanging from the chandelier, or lying face down bridging the gap between the the bed and a chair while you sit on the floor and make like a milkmaid. It's all possible, but a big waste of time.

Here are better ways for you both to enjoy.

1.SIDE BY SIDE. He lies on his back and turns toward you at roughly a 45-degree angle. The angle makes it more comfortable for you to grasp his hard, throbbing, impatient penis. You can stay there a long, long time without strain.
If you get tired and need to rest from your labor, don't worry about it. Tell him you need to rest. For variety you may want to turn toward him and use your other hand for a while. Or just lie there and rest. It's better if you maintain a grasp of his penis, but be assured that the erection is not going anywhere. It'll be there when you're ready. Anyhoo, he probably will have had a hand on your breast while waiting.

SIDE ISSUE HERE: Any time there's a bare breast in sight he has an unquenchable desire to get his hand on it. Only his having learned the desirability of civilized behavior restrains him from reaching every time. There are still some caveman genes climbing on the old family tree.

BACK TO THE SUBJECT.
Unlike you, whose arousal and progress toward orgasm fades and retreats to somewhere near square one when the action on your clit stops, his arousal remains high during a rest stop, and he's ready to begin where you left off. He may lose a millimeter of inflation during the stop, but it's not enough to be a problem to him in resuming action where you left off.

IN FACT: Deliberately stopping to prevent him from reaching orgasm can be an enjoyable technique to prolong the enjoyment. In this case you'd let him rest long enough to lose some of the erection, which would necessitate a longer time in regaining what he lost.


2 SPOONING. This frequently is a natural result of lying together following a satisfying round of intercourse. You, probably quite naturally, snuggle up against his back and reach over his flank to do what comes naturally – hold his limpness for your own comfort and pleasure. So you lie there idly holding and fondling, and whatd'ya know!

It begins to grow bigger and harder. And you're inspired to stroke it slowly, enjoying his reaction to your action. Then you're inspired to take it on to the natural conclusion because you enjoy it all, especially the end where you feel the thrilling surge of hardness as six or seven surges of ejaculate erupt through your hand and out onto the bed – or towel. And you enjoy the thrill of his thrill that you know resulted from your effort. You DID it..

Different people have different degrees of self-control and desire to “do it right.” Many of us believe that it's best – as soon as you realize that there's a real possibility of your going on to take him all the way – to delay your enthusiasm a minute or so while you get the lube and a towel or washcloth.

Then, after application of the lube, you can get him back in the same position if you wish, or start over with him on his back.


3.CALL THIS ONE THE M&J. This developed in clinical applications at the Masters & Johnson sex laboratory at Washington University in St. Louis. We're indebted to Masters and Johnson for revolutionizing our knowledge and understanding of sex they developed in the sixties.

In bed, you sit straight with your back against the headboard with legs spread. He lies on his back facing you and scoots his butt up between your legs as far as feasable. This places his penis in almost the same position for your hand as for his own.

Advantage of this position is that you can sit there for an hour without becoming tired from straining.

Disadvantage is the lack of loving side-by-side body contact.

It's a trade off and the two of you can make your own decision.

4. Somewhere in this forum within the last year a man suggested that his favorite position was seated on the side of the bed with you sitting beside him and reaching over to stroke. This impresses me as the idea of a teenager who's had no experience beyond sitting on the commode alone. But you can make your own decision.

THE TECHNIQUE

After spreading the lube and giving him tingles as you twist your hand slowly around the head and slide slowly and lovingly up and down the shaft a few times to liquefy and spread the lube, then you can begin long, slow strokes.

A woman, writing in Redbook magazine maybe fifteen years ago, suggested that your grasp should be the same as your grip in holding a phone. She's maybe 30 percent right. The tightness of your grasp should vary from time to time. Probably three levels of tension is what's needed.

FIRST LEVEL: A light touch about the same as for a phone is about right to begin.

SECOND LEVEL: A bit more snug -- as you increase the pace later.

THIRD LEVEL: This is much tighter and is appreciated – if not actually needed – when he's frantic to cum and your stroking is tight, fast and furious. You need to “give it everything you've got.” Don't worry about “too tight” at this point. It's most unlikely that you could hurt it if you tried.

READ HIS REACTIONS: Like you in a similar situation, he breaths faster and deeper and he may gasp, chortle, moan, make unintelligible but obviously happy noises, squirm, jerk his legs, or give you many other possible indications of what he's feeling.

Some people are better at reading such reactions than others are. Be aware of the importance of it, and give it some serious attention. The more you can understand about what he's feeling, and the more you can identify with what he's feeling, the better you can respond with changes to match.

THE PACE: Begin with a slow, gentle stroke. It feels great to him, just as a slow, gentle movement feels to you when he's doing the movement. Give him time to develop a high level of desire for a faster pace. Then increase the pace a bit. Just a bit. See how he reacts to that small increase. If there's no reaction, then increase it a bit more. When he gives you a reaction indicating that his situation has improved, then maintain that pace for a while.

Depending on your reading of his reactions, somewhere along the way you'll want to increase the pace a bit more. Just a bit, and again learn exactly what increases his sensation and his joy. Hold that pace for a while, perhaps gradually increasing the pace as you note his reactions.

There's no rule as to how many small increases are right. The number will change from day to day and from time to time during the same day. It's not rocket science, but it IS an art that you develop for yourself.

One technique that I strongly recommend almost every time is this: when he's fairly close to the end – when you can sense that he's anticipating an orgasm soon, then adjust your pace to keep him at that level. And keep him there on and on, waiting impatiently for an increase in pace that's going to push him over the edge into that free fall to glory.

Keep him there, not to inflict torture, but to give him the ecstasy that he doesn't have the self control to give himself. It's a point where he's not quite desperate, but wants the orgasm now. At the same time he's on a peak of joy where he'd like to stay the rest of his life. That's one of the greatest feelings you can generate for him.

You then use your best judgment in deciding when to pick up the pace, tighten your grasp, and stroke as fast as you possibly can. It needs trial and error. But what else had you rather be doing?

THE AFTERMATH

After your thrill at his explosion in your hand, you can identify with the super sensitivity of the head – it's the same unbearable-to-be-touched feeling that you have in the head of your clit immediately after your orgasm. So . . . just lie quietly holding without moving for perhaps a full minute. Don't move your hand.

After the super sensitive feeling fades away, then you can move your hand and perhaps begin to clean up the mess.

Good luck and good loving.

[LoveMyPugs]

Everyone –

A quick note about lube...I just bought a bottle of Swiss Navy (silicone-based) last night at a local sex toy shop in my area. Mr. Pug and I used it last night. It's fantastic. It's the smoothest lube I've ever used. You wouldn't believe how a little goes a long way. If you were looking to buy lube and have it last a long time I'd definitely go with the silicone-based lube. It's fantastic. I can’t wait to try it for anal. However, next time I buy it I’m going to buy it online instead. I paid $36 dollars for an 8oz “no leak” pump bottle at the shop and it’s $23 for the same bottle online at buylube.com. I’ve been using ID Glide and I hate the bottle. It drips before you even are able to get your fingers under. Don’t you think that’s a ridiculous price difference? I guess the shop can afford to charge that since it’s the only one in the area. Just wanted to share with everyone.

[crinoline]

Oboypie-
Since you enjoy giving blow jobs, you probably know what your guy wants already.
The most important thing I've learned about hand jobs is that lubrication is key (I've only dealt with my circumcised boy). The easiest and cheapest thing to use is spit, which is especially easy if you combine it with a blow job. Hmmm. You probably also know to concentrate on the head (but don't forget the twins!). It's usually good to use variety and teasing at the beginning, but toward the end it is always best to stay rhythmic and consistent. I can't think of any better advice at the moment.

Wakinguptous-
Are you confident in other aspects of your relationship? Is he generally dominant, or are you equal in decision making and the like? If the only area in your relationship that you are insecure in is sex, you can work that out with lots and lots of practice! Crinoboy and I were both very inexperienced, and we worked things out together, making alot of mistakes along the way.
It is very important that you do not try to compare yourself to his previous lovers, it isn't valid, because you are incomparable. After all, when you're with him, are you comparing him to other men you've been with, or are you thinking about him? Mostly, just relax and enjoy the moment, clumsiness can be endearing, and is often a passing thing.

[oboypie]

I'd love any info about the art of the hand-job...my guy loves blow jobs, but i'm afraid i'm not that skilled when it comes to using my hands...haha

thanks for all the advice!

[LoveMyPugs]

Bob said:

"But your note to Wakinguptous clearly indicates that you're a teacher – and a helluva good one. In sixteen years I had only three that I'd say compares with you."

I just got finished up a great sexual experience with Mr. Pug and I must say if I wasn't glowing afterwards I am know due to your comment.

THANK YOU! I will never forget your kind words as long as I live.

I'm sorry to disappoint but no I'm not a teacher. I did go to college for education for two semesters and once I hit psychology I realized that I still have my own issues to work out and that I wasn't ready to take care of someone else's kid's needs.

I am a Computer Aided Engineering Drafting & Design major actually. I’m very anal and this allows me to be just that and creative all at the same time. It suits me very nicely actually.

As far as my comments to Wakinguptous, I was fourteen when I met Mr. Pug. I knew NOTHING! He knew NOTHING! We were both virgins at EVERYTHING! We started from scratch and I’m not ashamed to admit that we made terrible mistakes. I faked orgasms the first year that Mr. Pug and I were intimate. He was devastated when he found this out. Of course I was only faking them cause I’d never even had one manually. I felt lousy in bed but in all honesty Mr. Pug was no champ either. We just didn’t know anything. So what did we do? We talked to older friends. Most of them were sort of in the same boat as us. What next? Porn. Mr. Pug watched and copied. I lay there disappointed and not feeling anything that the porn stars were supposedly feeling according to their reactions. There was way too much thrusting and banging in all honesty, not enough g-spot and/or clitoral stimulation. Finally, we went to books and Internet. I’m a big fan of the “self help” section when it comes to everything in my life. I learned a lot and am still trying to learn new things. I’m currently getting into Domination/submission and loving every second of it.

I hate to see people put themselves down. Especially, when it comes to sex. Sex is a natural thing. It’s the BEST way to occupy yourselves if your low on funds (and responsible too) because it’s cheap. All you pay for is lube (if you need it), condoms (or birth control), and when you have some money to spare you invest in some toys or porn (if that’s your thing). If you have a lot of time and your bored you can spend all day doing it. There is always something or somewhere new to try. It’s exercise and it just makes you feel fucking good afterwards. It’s fun so ENJOY IT! It’s nothing to get your panties (or boxers/briefs) in a bunch about.

Lapis said:

“Sounds like the emotional stakes are just higher for you in this relationship and that's giving you performance anxiety.”

I couldn’t agree more. Lapis, when I said, “No one is bad in bed.” I guess I wasn’t clear. What I meant was that anyone trying his or her best to please isn’t bad. When you said, “The guys I have been with were bad when they performed with blatant disregard for me.” That isn’t bad it’s selfish and FUBAR and not worth a woman’s or man’s (if the tables were turned) time. I loved all of your suggestions so much that I have nothing to add.

[lapis]

Revise:
I think people can have bad sex. I don't think there are people who are just bad in bed as some kind of existential way of being. In Portuguese it would be the difference between "ser"and "estar"--being bad in bed is not a permanent state--it's just a thing that can happen in context.

[culturehandy]

I'm going to have to agree with all the previous posts.

There tends to be this obsession with being our parnters "best fuck ever", and a lot of people interpret this as doing as many new, wild, and off the beaten path things as possible. This is so not the case, you're into what you're into.

As the previous posters said, it comes to education, and you said that you and your partner care very deeply about each other, in that case experiment with each other too.

I agree about no one being bad in bed as well.

Good luck!

[lapis]

Also, if you are really happy in other aspects of the relationship, maybe you can call up some of that happiness while you are in bed and use it to bolster your power. He might have slept with a lot of people or whatever but who compares to you when you do ___ for him? I have done this when dealing with a pro in bed, thinking about how full and strong our relationship is in every aspect and putting that love and appreciation into my physical expression of it. Like, "well, they may have looked and screwed like pornstars, but I can do that, too, and his mom and friends love me!" You are more than your sexual expression--and you can bring everything you love about yourself in bed--and ROCK OUT. Also, despite what he's done in the past, he's choosing to be with you and it's making you happy. That says a lot. Tori Amos has a song where she says "the sexiest thing is trust" and, as cheesy as it sounds, that works for me sometimes. You can trust your body and your emotions and your skillz and your mutual hotness, and your love for each other.
Another confidence builder is to have sex after you do something you do really well with him, like cooking a nice meal, or playing tennis, or making people laugh. Share what you love about yourself with him and try new things, too. Whatever you do that makes you feel proud (driving a long distance--anything), experience that buzz, and carry it into the bedroom...It's ok to show off, shine your light! It's brighter than you think, even under the covers.

Good luck!!

[lapis]

Wakinguptous,
Sounds like the emotional stakes are just higher for you in this relationship and that's giving you performance anxiety. I disagree with the other people who posted that there's no such thing as being "bad in bed"--I've been it and had it, and believe earnestly that it doesn't apply to you here. Seems to me like being bad in bed has to do with any number of factors, sobriety, emotions, physical orientations, and two people not communicating. When I have been bad in bed it's been either uncomfortable for some reason or overly goal-oriented. The guys I have been with were bad when they performed with blatant disregard for me. So, that said--again--it doesn't sound like you are bad in ANY WAY!!--I would suggest that you:

1. Focus on what feels good to you--try experience the sensual aspects of the moment. Like meditation, let your mind (and insecurity) go and focus on the breathing, the feel of skin, taste, smells, all things sensual. You can't go wrong if you listen to your body. Your body responds to pleasure. Your body is inherently a pleasure-seeking and pleasure-giving entity. You can trust it to bring you and your partner pleasure.

2. If this guy is really more experienced than you you could learn from him, by asking really hotly "how does this feel?"or "show me how to make you come" if you feel uncertain about what's going on.

3. Know that you have time to work with sex in a good way. This isn't a hookup so you don't have to feverishly rush to the end. You have time to learn about each other's bodies, and to cultivate trust, and all of this will amp up the sex. It can only get hotter.

I also have to say that for me relationships with potential tend to have different sex timeframes than one-night stands. Sometimes it takes weeks or months for me to find my groove with a person I am serious with as opposed to a couple of hours of passion. But if you can believe in yourself and not worry, I promise that it will get exponentially better and you will find a whole new sexual voice inside--this is where emotions and trusting someone come in--it could be that you are finding a different level of your sexuality. And if you are both patient and committed to growing together sexually, it will be delicious.

[boblink]

Wakinguptous –

WOW! I don’t even know where to start with your post honey.

You sound like you have some self-esteem issues sweetie!

First thing first, I’m can tell you that NO ONE is “worthless as a sexual being”. NO ONE! That is just an awful thing to say about yourself.

Second, I don’t consider people to be “bad in bed” just inhibited and/or inexperienced.

Third, you might want to look at why you feel “insecure” with him. Is it his past, your past, your view of your body, his view of your body. All of these can make it difficult for you to loose yourself in the moment. If you can with “random hook-ups” but not with your man then I think there is an underlying issue there. Communication with him and looking at yourself, him and the two of you together would be my suggestion of a starting point.

As far as “how you compare” to his previous lovers, it doesn’t matter. You can make a lasting impression by just educating yourself on new and different styles of lovemaking. That’s the easy part. Just go to a bookstore and start reading. You can have fun just trying things out on him. Surprise him with something new. You might think he’s seen it all but I doubt it.

I personally believe that for guys, sex is like pizza. Even when it’s bad it’s still pretty good. I understand that you want him to enjoy sex with you. It’s good that you want to please him. Does he want to please you as well? Ask him to tell you what he likes. What he’s experienced and what really got him off. Of course you don’t want to know the females names. You just want to know what he likes. I learned more in one session watching Mr. Pug masturbate in front of me then I ever did just trying to do what I thought he liked. Communication is the best path to erotic nights.

Anyone else?

Hey, Pugs,

You keep pushing my buttons. This may take a step over the boundary of on-line etiquette. If it's offensive, you can slap my on-line face.

First, a purely technical comment stemming from your pizza comparison. Speaking only for myself as one guy, but assuming that I'm in agreement with most others, “It's all good. Even when it's lousy it's great.”

The reason is that the combination of endorphins for joy, and adrenaline for excitement, generates a physical change. While aroused we can't feel anger and resentment about minor irritations – which probably include everything short of the house afire or a snake in the bed.

I can certify that it includes a mouse scampering around the room for thirty minutes or so in the dark. It's reasonable to say that we actually have an addiction to those drugs (hormones.) We get high on them and it makes sense to prolong that high by any reasonable means.

That may explain why I've always had a conflict between the desires to drive for the explosive orgasm and to prolong the high as long as I can and then enjoy the explosion. I like to think it's merely the mature delay of gratification. But my reasoning is complicated by the knowledge that my thrill at her orgasms is exceded only by the joy of my own.

Back to the point, your several references to school led me to assume that you're a student back in college to complete interrupted work on a degree.

But your note to Wakinguptous clearly indicates that you're a teacher – and a helluva good one. In sixteen years I had only three that I'd say compares with you.

[mornington]

walkinguptous, i read this last night, and i've been trying to think of something. but Pugs got there first with some excellent advice. Ask him what he likes, spend time exploring his body; even if it's a few evenings spent just touching and kissing. Read, watch, talk.

No-one is bad in bed. No-one. it's just a matter of style and working out what works for both of you. You don't compare to his previous lovers. You don't have to, and he won't want you to. You're you, not them. He enjoys sex with you. Really. He just needs to tell you when what you're doing is good, really good, or fuckin' fanbloodytastic.

I had similar issues to you in a past relationship; i was a virgin, he was a lot more experienced, and it took time to loose my inhibitions and stop worrying. Like starpiste, i spent a lot of time worrying about doing things "right", and not enough time enjoying myself. The more I enjoyed it, the more he enjoyed it.

[starpiste]

My experience only, but I know a lot of my sexual insecurity stemed from being too focused on doing everything "right" because I really liked them and wanted them to like having sex with me. I still revert sometimes, but the times I just relax and enjoy myself is the time he enjoys himself most too.

And I agree it LMP, books, talking and watching are all good ideas.