[runningwestward]

Well we made a discision on what we want to do. I met his family (aunts uncles etc) this week and it was totally overwelming and they all wanted to come out to Vancouver and I just paniced. I realized that I didn't want some of my family there (specifically one aunt and one cousin because they ruin EVERY family thing or event they attend) and there were some of his family that just rubbed me wrong and I started seriously considering what I wanted. And that was a small run away type thing. And I know my parents would not be happy to go anywhere and they don't want the big wedding. They want a civil ceremony and a cake at their house and that's not what I want. So I thought I could combine the two: small wedding of 30 immedient family and close friends at a resort type town not too far from my parents. We'll have a reception at both home towns for the families and other friends. And now everyone is pissed off about it. And there's a few close family who are more like friends then cousins that I want to invite but that'll piss off the other cousins and family and Triboy wants one set of aunt and uncle but can't without risking other people being extremely upset. Have any of you done the small wedding with select people wnad a larger brunch or something for the rest? How did you handle everyone being (for a lack of a better word) bitchy and not respecting your wishes? I've been engaged less than a month and I'm already stressed and upset at peoples reaction to our plans. If anyone is going to be selfish about it it'll be us! It's our wedding, it's our day, and this is not an excuse to take a vacation to BC! That last one is exactly how I feel about everyone being so whiney about not being invited to the ceremony itself.

[marileen]

Pinkmartyr, I love your website! And I'm so glad to find someone who has ordered from MagnetQueen - I wanted to order save the date magnets from them but wasn't sure - you just can't always tell which web businesses are okay and which are fishy.

Family does get crazy with the wedding stuff. My mom is very anti-"big wedding" so what we are planning is a little overwhelming to her but she has been pretty good about it so far. I am trying to find ways to include her that won't stress her out but it isn't easy.

[pinkmartyr]

Fina, I'm so glad things are working out for you. I've kept you in my thoughts.

as for Save the Dates- we mailed ours on Monday. We sent photo magnets from Magnet Queen ($160 for 125 magnets, sleeves, and envelopes after a 50% off coupon that they offer quite frequently) People are starting to receive them, and everyone is thrilled. We included hotel info for everyone. Some folks who are local are even talking about getting a room for the night. Family has emailed/called to say how much they like the photo, and that they are definitely planning to come.

My mom is acting crazy, but that's another thread. She is just criticizing every wedding choice we've made. Has anyone read the book "Emotionally Engaged"? Its about all the changes women go through at the most personal levels while transitioning from single girl to married person, and has an interesting chapter about family relationship problems during the wedding planning. My library had the book.

One of the things we shared with the save the date magnets is our website address!
www.aimeeandmatt.com
There are pictures and stuff on there. The picture on the first page in the left corner is the one we used for the magnet. Matt did the webpage himself, and I think he did a good job.

[fina]

I wrote a huge update-y post last night but then lost it and couldn't be arsed rewriting it. Anyway, yes, we have some progress, I found another hall that is actually nicer than the first one and not too much more to hire. So now we have two halls booked so at least one should work out. I have also booked a guy to do the bar and possible catering for the second hall. The deposit for the band has been paid. So the ceilidh is ON!

Still looking for another restaurant that can accommodate 40-50 people if god forbid we get that many... I have a few ideas but all involve hiring a bus to get people to a neat place out of town. It's either that or a corporate, generic Wedding Package Dinner at a nice hotel. I still have the original restaurant booked and am sort of just hoping that we can end up with 38 or less. I am also hoping that when we send out save the date cards we will start to hear from people who are definitely coming and then in a few months will get a firmer idea of numbers.

So I bought the postcards for the save the date cards and will take them to the printers to overprint our words (this is so cheap too!) when we figure out the text, aiming for early January as I'm sure the printers will be closed over the holidays, and even if they're not I don't want to give them more work to do next week.

Re rings, I didn't want one, not that I don't like shiny things but I know if I have to wear two rings on the same finger I'll be petrified of losing one and not realizing and so I'll be checking constantly that they're both still there and that will not be fun. Having already lost my previous wedding ring the last time I was married (fortunately just when we were breaking up, but still, it sucked to lose it) I know that I just do not want this to worry about. So just the one ring for me, probably with an emerald or a blue sapphire instead of a diamond both for cost and ethical reasons (although to be fair, the mining of all gemstones is probably full of ethical unpleasantness I just don't know about). I know the design I want and we plan to go to the goldsmith down the road for a chat in January.

Friends of ours who are very outdoorsy went in together for an engagement canoe instead of a ring which I always thought was an absolutely fantastic idea.

RW, I adore your idea of the wedding triathlon, but yeah, most people would flip out. There are a couple of races I want to do the two weeks before the wedding and I'm wondering if it's a good idea or not.

Any dress made for you by someone you trust is awesome!

[runningwestward]

Fina... what a nighmare... any good news? I don't think it's too early to send the save the date cards... I for one have to plan my key events a year in advance so that I can be sure not to sign up for races those weekends (yes I would pick the wedding over the race but I'd hate to waste the money on a race I couldn't do).

I'm new to the whole planning thing. I've been engaged for a week and a bit now. My 0.02 on the ring thing. I got a diamond solitaire in white gold from Triboy. Simple and elegant which is the style I like for everything. He had it custom designed. I love it. His mom sent him a pair of diamond rings which each had a few diamonds in them to trade in. The designer also traded him gold for gold and so he was able to get a custom designed ring and a bigger stone for pretty much nothing out of his pocket. He really wanted to get me a big stone so he was pretty pleased with himself. And having spent not too much on it means we have more to spend on our new bikes for next year. As for the ring, I don't know how much I will wear it after we're married since I have a job that I do a lot of lab work wearing gloves. And I can't wear it when racing. Maybe just for occasions... I'm now looking for one for him to wear (he really wants one too). He really likes the titanium bands and since it's only for a year and it probably won't have to be refitted that's what I'm going to get him. If anything he wants a ring on his finger more then I do. It's kind of funny though. We both knew about how it's a commercial thing invented by De Beers. And we laugh about it and how much expection is built up around The Ring. When it comes down to it, I'd be happy with whatever he choose to symbolize "us" with. He went out and designed something he liked the look of, that he thought I'd love and that he wanted me to have. I think also he wanted something that one day we can hand to our child to turn into something for their partner like his mom did for him. Anyhow. Enough rambling.

I'm torn on the actual wedding. Part of me wants something simple and easy and rather cheap but the other part wants the white dress (which his mom said she'd make) and the flowers and the dinner with my friends and family and the dancing.

We have made a few decisions though! And stupid ones at that. The groomsmen will wear pink speed laces (a triathlete thing... yeah we're dorks) and we are organizing a triathlon (with the help of a race director friend) in our honour for our tri club and interested friends with a BBQ to celebrate with our teammates (we can't invite them all to the wedding itself unfortunately). I would love to do the big day as a triathlon but it's not very inclusive. And we do have to have a second reception in Triboy's home town but again with the MIL to be to the rescue: she's going to plan that one with my input on the key things. And even better I think she's picking up a big chunk of the cost.

[ambercherry]

that is such an interesting article! i love hearing the stories about people's rings/engagement rings or lack thereof.
i did not want a diamond for my engagement ring and my fiance knew that (and he felt the same way). he proposed without a ring, and then we went to the computer to start looking at rings. we looked at both traditional and nontraditional rings and really liked a little solitaire ring and decided to replace the diamond with another stone. it came down to either an emerald, ruby or a sapphire and we finally went with a small ruby. we also did some revamping of the design and had it custom made. i love it, and i think it's quite unique.
this is personal, but i don't like the idea of wearing an expensive piece of jewellery (i'd be waaaay to scared to lose it). as well, we're thinking of buying our first home and maybe starting a family in the near future - i'd much rather see money go into those sorts of things than a ring. to me that's practical for us in our situation.
almost nine months until our wedding.
i just registered for our premarriage course (through our church, which we have to participate in in order to get married in the church). at least it's just an evening and one day thing.

fina, how are your plans coming along?

[turbojenn]

polly, I didn't want an engagement ring at all, and definitely not a diamond - ever. I've never liked them, then there's the political side of diamonds, and most importantly, I am not the most cautious person, and a bit clumsy, and I felt that any stone on a ring on my hand would be in grave peril!

But turbomann didn't want to propose to me empty-handed, so he stopped at service merchandise and got me a plain white gold band for about $40, and he was fine if I didn't want to wear it at all. Our wedding bands are plain platinum bands, which I love, because when you polish platinum, you don't lose any metal at all...and I need to have our bands polished alot!

[pollystyrene]

Bumping again!

Fina, did you get anything worked out?

I decided that I'm not so into the diamond ring thing, at least not as the main stone, so, I've been looking around online for either a green tourmaline stone or aquamarine.

I found this interesting article about people going for less expensive rings with alternative stones, or forgoing a ring altogether. Did anyone see that study a few months back where the majority of women in the study said they'd rather spend the money on a plasma TV than an engagement ring? Hee hee. Anyway, I loved this quote in the article:

"When Jordan Corbin and David Wentworth got engaged, he proposed to her with a mother-of-pearl ring that cost about $20. Corbin loved that it was an atypical engagement ring and named it her “magic ring.”

Buying a diamond engagement ring "is what a guy does when he has no imagination and is afraid you’re not going to love him,” she said."

[fina]

I need to bitch for a bit because I am having a shit time with the planning. I wanted to send out save the date cards in lieu of xmas cards even though according to the knot etc it's too early- it's in mid-October next year. Still given that we are getting married in Scotland and all family members and many friends will be invited from North America I thought it would be decent of us to give them lots of notice so they can save up, look for cheap airfares, get limited vacation time sorted etc. Plus i really cannot be arsed writing xmas cards, so it's a two birds with one stone deal.

Therefore I called the hall we've booked for the ceilidh to confirm as I've heard the woman there is a bit of a flake and doesn't always write down everything in the book. The good news is that we are written down and confirmed-ish, but the extremely bad news is that the Father who runs the church the hall is affiliated with has left the parish, there are not enough priests now, and the bishop might shut the whole place down around next June. So the lady strongly suggested that I find a backup venue. Unfortunately I can't find any others that are not in posh hotels which we don't want and can't afford anyway. Meanwhile the band wants a deposit and I need desperately to find a local plan B that does not seem to exist. Since we picked the date based on when this hall was available I no longer want to send out save the date cards until I am sure these dates are actually ok. Yippee.

Second reasonably major problem is that the restaurant we'd booked for the post-ceremony dinner (the ceilidh is on the next night) is a pretty small place and they have an absolute max of 38 people. Originally we figured we'd be in the 30-35 range so no probs, it'll be nice and intimate, but in the past few weeks we have discovered that a lot of people we were going to send courtesy invites to actually really want to come and are going to seriously try to make it. While this is great, we'd love to have them, we are perilously close to 38 if not over (although of course we won't know for sure until much closer to the time) and I feel a strong need to find a backup dinner venue as well. And I can't find anything that's not sterile and corporate generic Wedding-y that can accommodate 40-50 people and this whole thing is really pissing me off.

Too many freaking decisions and necessary backup plans and I haven't even started looking for a dress (plan to wait until after xmas for my own sanity) and all the other nonsense... plus the saving for the wedding thing is SO not going well and people keep telling me this is supposed to be fun and it's all just crap.

So I guess I need to write a heartfelt plea to the bishop (!) and ask the band for other venue recommendations and just carry on and the save the date cards get sent when they get sent. Calm blue water etc. At least the venue for the ceremony (the local observatory) seems ok and sorted and everyone thinks it is a marvellous idea to get hitched there.

[roseviolet]

Belated congrats to you, Em! Sorry I didn't see your post earlier. Give us some details!

Very interesting post, Polly. Since we had a very small ceremony, we didn't have those problems. But a friend of mine had a TON of no-shows for her wedding. Luckily they didn't have a sit-down meal, but there was a lot of left-over food and she was very hurt because she had really gone out of her way to accomodate some of those no-shows. I have no clue how to handle that situation.

A wedding invitation that leaves off information sounds pretty useless to me. I mean, how am I supposed to give a proper RSVP if I don't know when or where the ceremony will take place? I think the idea of using a doorman sounds reasonable (although potentially expensive). But when you've planned a formal dinner for the reception, somebody has to tell the unexpected guests that there isn't enough food to feed them, too. Might as well take that stress off of the wedding party (They're stressed enough already!).

[pollystyrene]

Bump!

I have no news on the personal front to report, but I thought today's Dear Abby might be of interest to brides out there:

Dear Abby: I could only sympathize after reading the letter from "Tired in Kentucky," the mother of the bride who was having trouble with the RSVPs.
At my daughter's wedding we had the same problem. In the end, we had 14 no-shows out of a planned attendance of 79, which at $57 a head for dinner, drinks, champagne toast and appetizers was a lot of money spent for nothing.
I was particularly offended because some of their excuses were poor -- for example, they decided at the last minute to do something better. People apparently don't realize that you have to give a number to the caterer at least a week ahead. You then need to pay for that number of guests whether they show up or not.
I think I have found the answer, though: My next catered party, I'm going to call a week ahead, and if they don't know if they're coming or not, I'm telling them I'll take that as a no. I have learned that the minute you take something away, they want it. Maybe I can train my guests this way. If not, I'll eliminate them from future guest lists.

-- Mary in Eugene, Ore.

Dear Mary: That letter touched a nerve with a lot of readers. It appears that a large segment of the population either never learned good manners or has chosen to ignore them. Your solution to the problem is a clever one. Read on for some other solutions to the RSVP problem:

Dear Abby: We attended a wedding where the name of each guest who had responded by the given date was put on a list.
After the ceremony, there was a closed reception in an upscale ballroom. The doorman had a final list -- and the guests had to sign in before entering the room. If you weren't on the list, you didn't attend the reception.
The doorman was the person giving out the bad news. You couldn't even see the bride and groom. It was done very politely and respectfully to those who had to be turned away, but it was clear that they weren't allowed to enter because they had failed to respond by the date.
I thought it was a nice way to handle the situation. The bride and groom weren't put on the spot, and weren't blindsided by an "overcount" of people showing up to eat.

-- Melinda in Georgia

Dear Abby: Here's my solution. It serves me well and always works.
I send out invitations for the occasion with the date -- but not the time. For a wedding, I would give the date and time, but not the location, and add the word "only" on the invitations to those who are not encouraged to bring a guest. I also note, "We'll miss you if you cannot RSVP by ( )." To anyone too busy to call within the two weeks I give them, we extend our sincere and heartfelt regrets if they do call late.

This may seem a bit harsh, I know, but it is done with a bit of humor, and no one to date has fussed.

Thanks, Abby. I have learned so much from you and your readers!

-- Shalimar in Santa Rosa, Calif.

Dear Shalimar: How sweet! So have I.

Hmm, I kinda like the idea of the the last one, leaving out some key information so that people who don't RSVP can't show up unexpectedly. The only problem is that some people won't really read the details of the invitation until the day before or the day of, and then they'd have to try to get a hold of the MOB (or whoever's handling the RSVPs)? I guess you'd have to not have an RSVP card, so they'd be forced to call her earlier than the day before/of. I like the idea of the doorman, but I think it would cause some hurt feelings afterwards. At least with the other trick, it's a little more passive. I dunno, I think I'd just call people a couple weeks before who haven't replied. Of course, keeping a small guest list to begin with makes the chances of any of these issues happening a lot smaller, too.

[pinkmartyr]

congrats, em!

[emlikesart]

We did it! Our wedding was this past saturday! Woohoo!!!!!

It was great and although I thought I had everything planned to the T, the majority of the event was by the seat of everyone's pants.

[pinkmartyr]

thanks, ladies!

i am going to contact her now with the following:
-sympathize with her and thank her for letting me know about her needs.
-state that by word of mouth, i will share with the wedding party and family that there is a family member who has allergies and asthma, and suggest that they limit their use of fragrance during the wedding festivities.
-ask her if she is sensitive to flowers, because we have planned to have a corsage for her, and let her know that we will be using fresh flowers for the wedding. she may want to forgo the corsage.
- reiterate that it will be a choice of the guests, so she may encounter people who are wearing scented products at their own discretion.
BUT
-i am not going to say anything to other people until right before the wedding, because i'm still not certain that she'll actually come.

i appreciate your help!

[emlikesart]

Pink, I have massive allergies. In fact, I have one allergy that is so aweful, but there is nothing I can do about the world around me...I am allergic to pine! Can you imagine Christmas for me?

What I have finally come to the conclusion is this, it is far easier for me to medicate myself, or get myself out of a particular area than to ask EVERYONE else to cater to my allergy. In fact, I think it's quite rude to even ask that of you.

So, yeah, I second everyone else's claim that it would be quite impossible for you to ask that of your wedding party. Now, if your stepmom-in-law has a party of her own, then she can make demands. But not now, and not for you.

(just my $.02)

[roseviolet]

PnP checked in over in Kvetch Up. Sounds like she had a great time!

Some fragrances make me sneeze or give me terrible migraines. I have not been diagnosed with any sort of allergy, but I can certainly understand how people can be sensitive to such scents. It is rare that someone else's scent bothers me, but I am particular about what I put on my own body.

I say there's no harm in at least asking the bridal party to take it easy on the fragrances. But if the step-mom wanted a fragrance-free wedding, then her expectations are unreasonable. Even well-intensioned members of the bridal party may forget amidst all the hubub of the wedding day. So I say give the bridal party a heads-up. They're your closest friends & family, afterall, so they're more likely to be sympathetic to the story. But also remind the step-mom that some things are out of your control, so she better bring her allergy meds in her purse.

As for you ... well, I personally find the powdery scents to be the worst. Maybe you can ask the sister if she knows which scents affect the step-mom the worst. There's a good chance that some of your favorite scent combos will be safer than others.

[pollystyrene]

I think it would be nearly impossible to ask that everyone at the wedding not to wear any fragrance. You can't be responsible for other people's choice to wear perfume or whatever. And it sounds like you and your fiancee aren't very close to her, so you probably wouldn't be near her very much anyway- I guess it would depend on how big the wedding is, but if it's at all sizable, you'll probably have a couple of pictures with her and spend a littlie time with her at the reception. I can sympathize people's fragrance sensitivities- I can't walk down the laundry detergent aisle at the grocery store, I've had sneezing fits because a co-worker had a really strong hand lotion, etc., but I don't ask the store to stop selling the detergents and I never said anything to my co-worker. Maybe I should have, but I guess if it's not one fragrance it's another- you just can't get rid of all of them and you can't expect people to bend over backwards for you.

[sybarite]

Pinkmartyr, I don't think you can, or should, take responsibility for everyone being unscented during the wedding and rehearsal. Because of this, you could argue it's out of your hands: you can't be expected to make such a request and then go around sniffing people to make sure they're unscented. Short answer: say you're sorry but you can't guarantee the events will be scent-free... because in all honesty, you can't.

/diplomacy. I think she's being too demanding, personally. I am sorry if she has these allergies but surely she has to negotiate a world full of perfume every day.

If it were just you being asked to give up perfume or bath stuff, and she was very close to you and the allergies were genuine I would say make the effort. But everyone? No way. Which is cool, because it gets you off the hook. Good luck!

[pinkmartyr]

PnP, yeah, tell us about it when you are back!
congrats!

yesterday, matt's step mom emailed me to request that i ask the bridal party and family members to refrain from wearing perfumes, colognes, or scented anything during the rehearsal and wedding day. she says that she has severe allergies and asthma. she requested politely.

i've never met matt's stepmom, nor his dad. they haven't seen matt for 5 years. they just had two babies. we were even surprised to hear that the stepmom is coming- we thought just his dad would fly out. stepmom is of course, invited and totally welcome.

what do i do? i do not want to refrain from using a lush massage bar or a bpal oil during my wedding weekend. i mean, i love that stuff, and have already started dreaming up combinations. wearing those scents help me feel confident, calm, whatever, dependent on the combo.

i asked matt what to do. he said to ask his sister. she said she thinks the stepmom embellishes her allergy problem to a large degree.

how do i have what i want for my wedding day, and still keep the peace?

[fina]

Hope you have a cracking day, PnP!