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repletewithyou
post Apr 22 2006, 06:37 PM
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So, there's this boy. He is a very dear friend and I've known him for years and years and last summer we fell in love. He goes to school about a thousand miles away and he didn't want to try a long distance relationship. We got back together over winter break and had sex (both of our first time); he is one of the most genuine and gentle and smart and adoring people I have ever known. BUT we talked the other day and he says he "doesn't tend to think about people much when he can't see them." I think about him all the time and it makes me sad to think he doesn't think about me.

We talked tentatively about getting back together this summer. I hate it when girls care more about their guys than their guys care about them. I don't know whether he really doesn't care about me anymore or if he is just a dumb boy with a bad memory. I'll be seeing him soon and I don't know what to do.
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la_sirena
post May 4 2006, 12:30 PM
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Thanks for your input, Jazmyn and Maimy!

To be honest, my boyfriend is one of the people who believes that "I was drunk" is an acceptable excuse. He thinks that if there is nothing more than kissing and/or some jr high style groping, then it is excusable. He said this in response to a friend of his getting very drunk at a party we were all at, and messing around with a girl who was not his girlfriend. I was pretty disgusted by it, especially because someone reminded the guy he had a girlfriend when things were heating up, which he ignored. My bf said that if no clothes come off, then he doesn't even think that the incident should be reported to one's S.O., because it will only hurt feelings and make things worse. I obviously disagreed with him, but let it go, just hoping that he hadn't made that declaration based on something he himself has done. I try to trust him (please don't look too far into that statement).

So, in answer to your inquiry Jazmyn, he would not be upset about this, and he would not even expect me to tell him about it in the first place. I believe that it's the fact that I don't believe in this philosophy myself that is making me feel guilty, regardless of it being hypocritical. Let's just say though that I would be devastated if I found out from someone else that he got drunk and cheated on me. I would probably be able to forgive him if he told me about it himself (depending on how far they went), but if I found out from someone else, I would be pissed-and if it was more than kissing or necking or whatever, I don't think I would be able to forgive him. It all depends really, but yes-he and I don't quite see eye to eye on this. It goes without saying that we should probably talk more about this subject in general(let's give it a little time though!).

I know the question now is why can't I just tell him, if he's not going to be upset? After all, confessing could make me feel better....Because I'm not 100% sure that he was 100% sure about what he said. The boy is prone to bold, impulsive statements-this I've come to know and rely on about him after a few years of knowing him intimately. He'll sound so sure of something-be it an opinion, or an action, and then he'll later regret it, having not thought it through enough. So. I'm worried that despite his stated belief, telling him would still put a stigma on our relationship at least for some time if not permenantly. I'm only using my best judgement based on what I know about his personality. He could mean it completely, but I don't know if I want to test that.

I am certainly not worried about him finding out from someone else-these were people that he will never, ever come in contact with-a whole different group of people hundreds of miles away. And, besides-I don't think anyone really saw it happen.

Maimy-I hope that answers some of your questions as well-I think my guilt is based on me having this double standard-being that I'd want him to tell me, but I really don't want to tell him. And the fact that I'm not even telling him that I have a double standard at all. This just smacks of badness-it seems very unhealthy, and I honestly care tremendously about our relationship-but I don't know if I am willing to do the right thing in this case. Because after all, what you don't know can't hurt you...right? I hope I am not choking on that statement soon. And yes, I have transgressed a standard of mine-I really thought that the tables would never be turned on me like this, but here I am.

As for alcohol use-as I said, I rarely ever drink like that-it was a very special occasion, with no intention more than getting drunk and having fun.

I've been feeling better about it the last couple days, but just writing this response has opened up some more of it-aspects I hadn't thought of before. I think it needs to be examined..

Thanks for reading this!
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repletewithyou   General Relationship/Dating Advice   Apr 22 2006, 06:37 PM
pepper   General Relationship/Dating Advice   Apr 22 2006, 07:28 PM
repletewithyou   General Relationship/Dating Advice   Apr 23 2006, 07:48 AM
emtee   General Relationship/Dating Advice   Apr 24 2006, 12:16 AM
venusindisguise   General Relationship/Dating Advice   Apr 24 2006, 08:53 AM
jazmyn13   General Relationship/Dating Advice   Apr 24 2006, 02:42 PM
pepper   General Relationship/Dating Advice   Apr 24 2006, 05:32 PM
cloverbee   General Relationship/Dating Advice   Apr 28 2006, 03:04 PM
jazmyn13   General Relationship/Dating Advice   Apr 28 2006, 04:11 PM
maimy   General Relationship/Dating Advice   Apr 28 2006, 07:47 PM
cloverbee   General Relationship/Dating Advice   Apr 28 2006, 08:54 PM
maimy   General Relationship/Dating Advice   Apr 29 2006, 07:16 AM
pepper   General Relationship/Dating Advice   Apr 29 2006, 11:31 PM
cloverbee   General Relationship/Dating Advice   Apr 29 2006, 11:44 PM
la_sirena   General Relationship/Dating Advice   May 1 2006, 01:21 PM
jazmyn13   General Relationship/Dating Advice   May 1 2006, 04:23 PM
yummymum   General Relationship/Dating Advice   May 2 2006, 10:16 AM
anarch   General Relationship/Dating Advice   May 2 2006, 10:41 AM
maddy29   General Relationship/Dating Advice   May 2 2006, 01:17 PM
jazmyn13   General Relationship/Dating Advice   May 2 2006, 02:37 PM
maimy   General Relationship/Dating Advice   May 2 2006, 04:20 PM
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sybarite   General Relationship/Dating Advice   May 3 2006, 05:42 AM
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pepper   General Relationship/Dating Advice   May 3 2006, 12:48 PM
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la_sirena   General Relationship/Dating Advice   May 4 2006, 12:30 PM
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