[repletewithyou]

So, there's this boy. He is a very dear friend and I've known him for years and years and last summer we fell in love. He goes to school about a thousand miles away and he didn't want to try a long distance relationship. We got back together over winter break and had sex (both of our first time); he is one of the most genuine and gentle and smart and adoring people I have ever known. BUT we talked the other day and he says he "doesn't tend to think about people much when he can't see them." I think about him all the time and it makes me sad to think he doesn't think about me.

We talked tentatively about getting back together this summer. I hate it when girls care more about their guys than their guys care about them. I don't know whether he really doesn't care about me anymore or if he is just a dumb boy with a bad memory. I'll be seeing him soon and I don't know what to do.

[bklynhermit]

pepper, i'm not saying everyone HAS to share everything (especially literally -- my toys are mine, too!).

i'm saying that, if i'm fucking someone, they're entitled to know just about everything about the rest of my 'sex life'. this has very little to do with an "entermeshing of lives" and very much to do with safety and lines of communication.

better to tell someone i've been sexually assaulted multiple times in my past than to just freak out on them if they touch me in a way that is triggering. better to ask right off the bat if someone is really into porn before i get all attached and then find out that they're into freaky hardcore shit i have a problem with. absolutely vital to inform guys i'm with that i have no intention of ever going on the pill, so it will be condoms forever.

and, conversely, i expect full disclosure from my partners as well. this isn't to be controlling or codependent, but to make an educated decision about whether i'm really interested in them, and also because just as i have things people need to know (std's, birth control issues, etc.), i would guess that a lot of people have things i would benefit from knowing, for my own personal safety and happiness. if you're one of those guys who can't enjoy sex with condoms, just TELL me rather than continuing the 'it's not you, umm, this just HAPPENS sometimes' charade. if you're one of those girls who needs her vibrator alone time, well, why not just say that? i won't be offended.

it's not about 'obligation' or control. it's not about allowing or forbidding anyone anything, or passing judgement. it's about honesty and open lines of communication. especially in the beginning, when decisions can still be made easily.