[repletewithyou]

So, there's this boy. He is a very dear friend and I've known him for years and years and last summer we fell in love. He goes to school about a thousand miles away and he didn't want to try a long distance relationship. We got back together over winter break and had sex (both of our first time); he is one of the most genuine and gentle and smart and adoring people I have ever known. BUT we talked the other day and he says he "doesn't tend to think about people much when he can't see them." I think about him all the time and it makes me sad to think he doesn't think about me.

We talked tentatively about getting back together this summer. I hate it when girls care more about their guys than their guys care about them. I don't know whether he really doesn't care about me anymore or if he is just a dumb boy with a bad memory. I'll be seeing him soon and I don't know what to do.

[jazmyn13]

I have certainly never been abused or molested, so i'm starting to accept that my taste for more fringe kinds of sexual practices (that aren't really that fringe in my opinion, i'm not visiting leather bars or getting whipped or anything like that) and fantasies is just part of who i am. is some of it societal? probably. But our society is schitzophrenic about sex. There are highly sexual and exploitative images while there is also an extremely high premium placed on virginity, purity, and convention. If someone were really uptight about sex, one could argue that was the result of socialization as well.

I think that i know what sparked my interest, but that's for a different thread and it was most assuredly not violent or coercive in any way.

whew...we kinda got off topic didn't we? ex-bf update...

He called last week to "congratulate" me when he found out i was moving out of town. He said "i guess this is really it, we're never going to see each other again" and "were you even going to call me to say goodbye" and other shit like that. Gah. the whole conversation made me realize how manipulative he was. Then he tried to blame me for the end of the relationship and when i was fair and even tempered and calm, picked a fight over a "missing" camcorder that I returned to him before we broke up. We ended up viciously fighting. It was completely a non sequiter and he totally did it because I was making too much sense and he wasn't getting a rise out of me. idiot. i ended the call because it was going in circles and it wasn't worth staying on. but damn, why did he have to go and do that??? i was being perfectly nice and friendly. He just doesn't understand I don't want to be friends right now. He was hurt I didn't invite him to my bbq two weeks ago!

I am honestly surprised at how far i've moved on in one month. I felt so strongly for him and was so caught up in the drama of our relationship for so long, that it is strange to feel so...completely fine. I've got so muhc more to think about than what he's doing or saying or thinking. and that's a real relief. Even my libido has simmered down! which is great because normally i'd feel like i was climbing the walls after a couple of weeks.

the only bad thing is that it makes me wonder how true my feelings really were while we were together. Now, from the outside, I almost can't imagine why I wanted to marry this person and spend my life with him. I have so much to do yet in my life..."oh the places you'll go" and all that. A month and a half ago, I was breaking apart because i was losing him! Was I decieving myself??? were my emotions real? I know i'm not ready to really get into any sort of serious relationship with someone else, but i've already got a fairly serious flirtation with a guy and have actually been on a couple of dates with him. I just have so much fun with this new guy, it's all shiny and relaxed and new. He's sweet and nice and cute and successful and funny!

was I lying to my ex about my emotions? I don't think that i was, i can remember that deep deep tenderness and happiness I felt at spending time with him and doing little couple things, but it's at a remove, it doesn't feel immediate anymore. Thinking of him is only occasionally painful and for the first time, I really and truly hope that he is happy in his life, whatever he does and whoever he is with.

am i moved on? i don't know yet...