[ananke]

I'm going to a candle lighting ceremony next week for victims of DV. I'm a little scared. Therapy has been better but more difficult. I'm making progress but some days I just want to hide.

[kittenb]

A few weeks ago I was speaking in front of several police officers on the topic of sexual assault prevention. As I was coming at it from the perspective that the only person who could truly prevent rape was the rapist and they wanted some sort of magical word/action that an intended victim could do or say to prevent rape, it was in interesting night. At one point, one of the officers asked what advice I would give someone who had been dragged into an alley and was about to be raped. "Don't die," was my response. Every victim/survivor has a long time of questioning her/hiself about what she could have done to make things different. No matter what age the survivor was when the rape or abuse occured. It does not help that even the police look at the problem with a victim blaming mentality. By the end of that talk, I thought I was going to pull my hair out. The district chief told me that he wanted ways to know how to lower the nubers of rapes in his neighborhood. I told him clearly that I did not belive that would ever happen until he knew what the honest stats were and that wouldn't happen as long as so many police officers treated survivors with the blatent disrespect that I saw and heard about all the time at my job. Argh!

I have not been in here this thread for awhile. I have been so caught up in avoiding my own shit, that I couldn't. So, can I make a few comments about some of the stuff that has been posted here. This might become a long post.

cstars- I am so sorry that your friends have been unable/willing to validate your pain. The fact that you were sexual with this person before and/or after is not at all uncommon. You are not alone in that experience and that does not make you stupid or weak or deserving of mistreatment.

maddy29- if you ever want to get me really going on a tirade, just mention the False Memory Syndrome Foundation. Thoes people are evil and should be stopped. I don't know who Mark Pendergrast is, but I'll be looking him up now. BTW, there are some theraputic techniques similar to hypnosis (I am thinking Eye Movement Desensitization) that you might want to look into. You are much more in control that you are when hypnotized. I was very helpful to me.

annake (I hope this was you, I can't bring that part of thread up at this moment)- I am so happy that the honeymoon went so well! A few problems, but you got through it!

pixiedust - I love that you said that to the defense attny. Way to go!

As for me, I feel like I am in a very weird place. For thoes who ever wonder "How long does it take to heal?", well, I have had three rounds of therapy and I work with rape survivors for a living and I know I am still healing. The wound is huge and depsite the fact that I know I have a good life, I know that there are some parts of me that just don't work as well as I want them too. Everyday I remind myself that my pain is valid and my fumbles are just a part of this life. What worries me is that I plan on becoming a full-time counselor for rape survivors within the next year. And yet, my life is a mess in so many ways. Will that perspective make me a better counselor or a possible danger to my clients? I just don't know...