[ananke]

I'm going to a candle lighting ceremony next week for victims of DV. I'm a little scared. Therapy has been better but more difficult. I'm making progress but some days I just want to hide.

[kittenb]

I remember when I was in my first group therapy time, I told the group leader quite honestly that talking about all of this was ruining my life. There seems to be a period of dealing and healing where everything just feels so much worse than it ever did before. I don't really know why that is, but it seems to be really true.

As far as confronting my abuser...god that would just be my worst nightmare. I was seven when the rape happened. No one knew until I was 20-21. I still worry that I will see him someday on the street and he will recognize me. I just don't know what I would do. Statistics tell me that he did it again to someone else. When 16 y/o boys rape 7 y/o girls, they are heading down a long road of pedophelia. So if I were to meet him, not only would I be seeing the boy who raped me, but someone who was most likely a repeat violent offender. I wonder if he ever was caught and if so what happened but I am not sure that I really want to check and find out. I never want any sort of connection with him again, aside from the one that I just can't shake.

Ed. to add: I just want to stress that I am in no way saying that what happened to me was worse than anyone else. I don't believe that any rapist just does it once, even if they only get caught once. I've learned that sometimes people find it easier to feel sympathy for people who were raped as children that thoes who were raped as adults and it makes me crazy. I have also noticed that sometimes people want to give me some sort of "victim" defintition that I never know what to do with. Am I making this point clear? No one deserves this and everyone who has to live through it should be entitled to as much sympthy, empathy, and support as she/he desires. In the form that we want it!