[annelise]

i think i need to break up with my therapist, because i don't feel comfortable with her anymore.

there's too much getting to me (as well as some nasty hormonal depression, i suspect), and i'm feeling really horrible about how my relationship with my therapist has ebbed. i guess i need to find another one, but it seems like such a big deal to face up to.

blah.

[sassygrrl]

Today was a bad day for me. I stayed home because I thought I was going to have a seizure. Also, had really bad cramps.

The holidays shit is killing me though. And, depression hit me really hard. I slept and cried the majority of the day.

Having some issues with my family, as well as my sister. My mother and I are getting along better than usual, but my father and I aren't. I also have to see them next weekend for Christmas.

Thank goodness for therapy next week.

[candycane_girl]

bumping just for the hell of it!

I hope everyone is doing okay. I wonder if maybe the lack of posts in this thread is a good sign...?

As for myself, I've actually been doing pretty well. I was having some issues with my dad (we always seem to have issues) but I had a good long talk with him and we've been doing pretty well for the last few days. Other than that, school is over so that's a big load off my shoulders, and a lot less stress to deal with.

How's everyone else?

[stargazer]

seethroughdreams~i would check out your regular campus doctor. if you have insurance, then i would go see a psychiatrist. you should see someone who specializes with psychotropic medications (e.g. antidepressants). keep a track of your symptoms (decrease/increase in sleeping, eating habits, loss of weight, suicidal thoughts, loss of pleasure in things you'd once enjoyed) to help with your diagnosis. i would encourage you to keep journaling. i would also encourage you to re-enter therapy when you feel comfortable again. one thing to keep in perspective...do not expect things to get better instantly. you are unraveling years and years of experiences, which cannot be done in just a couple of sessions. do you have a support system right now? also, some campus counseling centers have group therapy, which could be helpful and not make you feel alone.

about zoloft...yeah, i've heard people having hard times with orgasms, suicidal thoughts, and being tired constantly as a problem with this med. decrease in sex drive and inability to reach climax is a big concern for most people and reason why they go off meds. i'm on lexapro and have not had any problems. it helps with my depression and anxiety.

princess_dander~yeah, i understand the whole jello thing. it is how i felt this whole summer. just going through the motions. trudging along. crying off and on. just hoping it would pass. feeling confused and irritable with people. i did not feel like myself. really.

i'm glad you found a therapist whom you feel safe with and he is working with you. that is key. you want to feel a collaborative environment with your therapist, for example, being given space to explore and experience your feelings. i hope you share with your therapist your belief that these flashbacks have more power when you talk about them. at least, you could get more support.

yeah to having a good day!!

[seethroughdreams]

Maybe one of you all has an idea of how this works....I think i really need to be on an anti depressant. I have no primary care physician, or dr. i see regularly. It took me like two years to finallyget the courage go see a therapist at my university, but i quit going after a few months because it was not helping at all. She just wanted to find a reasonfor why i felt bad, but i really have none. she just wanted me to keep a journal, which i tried to do, but then i was too embarrassed to show her. I have actually seen several therapists in my life, and hated it all. anyway, the question is - do you think that if i just went to a regular campus doctor and asked for an anti depressant, they would give it to me? it is very hard for me to get the balls to talk to anyone, so i dont really feel comfortable shopping around forever. what do you all think i should do?

[princess_dander]

Hey Polly!

I'm glad it worked for you in terms of your depresion.

I am actually counting down the hours until I can just sit on my shrink's sofa and just cry and cry in that safe space. I love that sofa...so much.

Today it's like walking through jello, but a bit less dense jello than the days before, not theatre class walking through jello, but like jello up to the knees. Does this metaphor make sense to anyone? Anyone want some jello?

I made it through my speech class which was hard as it is hard just to move (again jello) I byullshitted my way through class and I hope to make it through the next two weeks of classes and get my A to keep mu GPA up, but when you just want to cry and the classes and the people teaching them are just pointless and the material is too and the time used to be there just feels wasteful it's hard to want to even care about that A or my GPA or what happens when the class is over and why I was there in the first place.

Okay I said that today was better right? I meant it.

Love to all!

[pollystyrene]

((Princess Dander)) I hear you on the Zoloft. I was on it for about 6 months, and the second month in, I got into my first relationship (still in it, in fact) and I had the same response to it, sexually. I guess it did make me feel less depressed, and i never had the suicidal thoughts, though I didn't have them before. My depression was more of the "I want to sleep all the time and not get out of bed and not do anything" kind, not the "I want to kill myself" kind.

I hope you feel better!

[princess_dander]

Thanks for replying SG. It's nice to get feedback and feel that it's okay to say "Hey I'm sad and need to vent" without the fear of pushing others away. It's the most comforting feeling I can think of, in fact right now.

Even though strattera is indicated for add/adhd, my psychopharmocologist, or old psychopharmocologist rather thought I might give it a go as it has less of an effect with dopamine receptors as well as the reuptake of serotonin. I go off SSRI's as soon as the anaorgasmia hits and I know that sounds counterproductive to my treatment, but I get more frustrated and sometimes more depressed if I can't come. I know it might sound odd, but as someone who has always had control of her orgasms, not being able to is a very odd and frustrating situation for me, and one that I would not rather be in. Yeah I understand that crying all day and letting my post trauma get in the way of my life is not how i want to live, but not being able to orgasm is something taht I don't feel I can tolerate or live with. I had stuck with Zoloft for a few months vbefore I went off it and was able to cum again and was like "fuck you Zoloft, I'm getting it on again!" I also experienced a lot more sucidial thoughts when I was on Zoloft two years ago.

Well sorry for that I can't cum on meds so I'd rather feel sorry for myself all day speech.

My GP scripted me some Cymbalta, but my shrink is going to refer me to another psychopharmocologist for further options tomorrow. I'd rather talk shop with psychopharmy than my GP about these drugs anyway. I trust my shrink which is something I fel very grateful for, as he knows when I am pushing him away and he can deal with that and help me with why I am acting out. I would have never explored meds as an option if he didn't feel it could help me and I feel that he wants to help me which is something I have seldom had before either. It would be nice if I could find a med that works with me before I sink so low.

As the flashbacks are concerned, it's a mixed bag of issues that bring those out at times. The more I talk about them, the more power I feel they have.

The one day at a time idea really what I am clinging to. As much as I want instant gratification and just to feel overjoyed or even that things will be okay again. One day at a time seems like something I can do.

Sorry for the long, unedited post. I type when I am anxious.

[stargazer]

Princess_dander~i can understand feeling depressed about posting in here. it is actually admitting that there are problems you are dealing with right now. but, i think it is a good sign that you are reaching out to post in here. i don't think you have to be depressed to post in here. it is a great way to provide support for those busties going through what i've struggled with my whole life. so, yeah, post away in here...

strattera wouldn't help with depression. that's for ADHD/ADD. at least, from my experience. there is alot of medication out there. medication coupled with counseling will be very helpful. it's good you are seeing a therapist. i know i will need to go back pretty soon. with your therapist, things will get worse before it gets better. is there any issues being brought up currently that is stirring the flashbacks for you? you don't need to answer in here. but, it is just something to think about and talk with your therapist about.

i would encourage you to take it one day at a time. it sounds corny, but it's true. i am slowly feeling better, but there are days when the anxiety just hits me. it is happening less for me.

i'm glad you are safe. please let us know how you are doing.

[princess_dander]

Hello everyone,

I thought that i would pop in here to share some experiences and many get a little support. I think this was the very first thread I posted in when I started busting and when I couldn't stop crying the other day and my shrink asked that age old therapeutic question ("Is there anything that you can/could do that would make yourself feel better?") among many other shrink-y questions I thought of this thread and felt that I almost needed to be here.

Right now I feel pretty bad. I have a lot of depressive relaspses around this time of year. I was so sick two weeks ago that I spent two days in a hospital where all I was asked was why I didn't take care of my asthma (which I don't have). I felt like I was not taken cared of. I also have a lot of flashbacks which make me feel anxious and just all around nutty.

Over the summer when I was toying with meds I tried quite a few and found none in the ssri/ssni class to be helpful. My psychopharmocologist tried one last drug, Strattera which had no effects, adverse or positive. I don't expect meds to be a panacea, I have been seeing my super groovy shrink for 9 months, which is an all time record for me! I think I just need to get through this time of year and find some peace within myself in terms of triggers for depression.

But as bright as the future may be, right now seems unbearable and dark as can be. I have self-injured and pushed my girlfriend, friends and my shrink away at times. This is behavior that I want to stop, but when you feel worthless, it's so fucking hard to get it together, act normal and not want to just hurt yourself in any way you can. I'm safe now, but I just wanted to share the place that I am in right now. Is it odd that I fear that I am being too depressing posting here?

[maddy29]

yay! yeah, that's what i thought about the trazadone. i'm so glad it worked. try the pill and a half and see how that goes. definitely eat something with it. it used to give me dry mouth and make me feel kinda stoned the next day...which at the time was kinda nice i definitely would get that paralyzed feeling-like you are sooo heavy and drowsy.

i'm so glad you're getting a referral-that makes a huge difference to see someone who actually specializes in these meds.

[erinjane]

(I started to write this last night but the effects of the pill hit me and I couldn't even stand up)

So the new doctor is better, he's right to the point, but listens and I also like that he's older, wheras the other doctor just started practicing on her own in the last month.

Here is what old doctor told me about Trazadone: Don't take it for depression, don't take it everyday because you can get addicted very fast, it will work right away.

Here's what new doctor (And pharmacist) told me: Take it every day to treat my depression that he feels is situational (I agree). It is NOT addictive, you cannot become dependent on trazadone. It will probably take about a week before I start to feel the effects on my mood. He also upped the dose because he said that 50mg was too small. He said to try 100 for two weeks and if I don't feel better to come back. He's also getting me a referral to an actual psychologist.

So now I am feeling much better, just having things cleared up and having someone actually listen and feeling like they're helping me. But I took the 100 (which was two 50mg pills) last night and christ, they knocked me out. I actually felt drunk and I could barely move, but i think this was mostly a result of having not eaten all evening when I should have taken the pill with food.
They're different looking and have a different ___-trazadone on the bottle than the ones I already have so I don't know if they're exactly the same. I actually think i'm gonna try just one or one and a half tonight because the effect was super strong, where as with original 50mg i felt nothing.

Okay, now that my little doctor saga is over I'm going to try and refrain from posting in here as much I think. Phew.

[maddy29]

ah, i see. my mom is kinda like that actually. sounds like it's really good that your mom is getting help, esp. if she's been the one kinda holding things together for a long time.

good luck with the new dr! hopefully it'll go muuuch better this time. i can't believe your old dr. didn't even LOOK at your mother once! that is sooo bad.

[erinjane]

I'm sure that's part of it, but definatly not all of it. She's really just started menopause in the last few months and her friend who is a nurse thinks that has a lot to do with it. But I think it's also that she's always been the one to hold everything together and it really feels like she just sort of snapped with the weight of everything. Similar to how I feel but to a much stronger extent. She's probably coming home today and she'll be seeing a therapist on Friday.

Now it appears that my Nana may have gone through the same thing and my aunt told me she was on anti-depressants when she was in her 20's. My mom and my nana's experience kind of parallel eachother because when my nana was my mom's age she had a daughter in an abusive relationship with two kids, and a son who was (is) a drug addict. My mom has a son in a not-so-great marriage and a daughter in law whose an alcoholic.

Annnnnnywho...new doctors appointment today so my fingers are crossed.

[maddy29]

erin-is your mom's stress because of you disclosing to her? or is it something else?

kelkello-that just sounds like hell! if he didn't have the kids, it'd be really different, i think. how old are they? 4 of them, geeez!

[stargazer]

(((kelkello))) sorry to hear about your situation. if you want more feedback, then you might want to check out the threads in the mating game. perhaps someone who lurks in there can give you some feedback.

(((erinjane))) at least your mother will get the attention and help she needs for herself. i know this situation doesn't help you. please don't forget to take care of yourself during this time and seek support from your family and friends.

[kelkello]

Thanks for the words of encouragement, littleidiot. I think I'm going to stick it out for awhile. We've only been together a year. I'm going to adopt a wait and see attitude for a bit. If after another year (or six months, whatever) I still feel this conflicted, I will have to make a decision.

[little_idiot]

(((kelkello)))
I think it's up to you to figure out what to do. I mean, you need to decide if never getting married is a deal-breaker. If you're already getting depressed about it, maybe it is. But maybe you just need time to get used to the idea. Maybe you'll start to feel like marriage is just a formality, a piece of paper to prove what you already know. Maybe you'll be able to move in together once some of his kids have moved out.
However--if you find that not being married to this man means the relationship is not completely satisfying to you, forget it. You shouldn't settle for less than what really makes you happy. If being with this man but not being his wife leaves you longing for more, then he's not the guy for you. You deserve a guy who loves you, turns you on like crazy, will always be faithful and kind, and will marry you if that's what you want.
Also--don't think it's impossible that he might change his mind. Lots of people do! Good luck, girl.

Erinjane, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. It must be really exhausting to be dealing with your own issues and also trying to help you mom. Hang in there--things will be better.

[erinjane]

I'm sorry kelkello, i have no advice but (((kelkello))).

I was doing alright today until I got home and my mom was being carted off to the loony bin...sort of. In my city there's a program called the Mobile Crisis Unit who are available 24 hours a day to come to your home and talk to you and offer advice or resources. So they suggested she go stay at the Crisis Stablization Unit which is a house for her to talk to a pyschiatrist and relax and they provide her with meals and her own room and things like that. I think she really needs it but it's another thing that I'm going to be dwelling upon tonight. My nana has been staying with us all week because my mom wanted her mom and after my mom left my nana, who is 89, started to cry and i hugged her and then i started to cry and it was all very crazy.

Geez, i feel like I'm monopolizing this thread, but I'm so glad it's here. You gals are really a great support. :-*

[kelkello]

I am sinking very low into a depression and I'm not sure how to stop it. I've been taking Sam-e for a few months and have loved it. I don't want to up the dose because I can't afford it. And frankly, I don't want to up the dose when my depression is probably situational. Relationship issues. What do you do when you have a wonderful man who loves you, who turns you on like crazy, who will always be faithful, who will always be kind, but will probably never marry you? I never thought I wanted to get married until somone told me I couldn't. Long story, but his first wife fucked him over good, and I think he's pretty much done with the idea of marriage. And living together is out of the question for quite a long time because he has a houseful of four daughters. There's no room for me there even if we wanted to move in. Do I stay in what is pretty much a great, but limited, relationship or do I throw it all away in hopes Mr. Marrying kind will come along? Please, I need advice. This is eating me up.