[maddy29]

that's exactly how i felt yesterday too...man i was soooo down and cranky and just wanted to sob and sob and sob. i just feel like the world and life is tooo overwhelming for me. i have a hard time accepting reality. it just makes me crazy!

i went home last night and crawled into bed and sobbbbbbbed. it was actually great, i realized part of what i've been so sad about lately-i've been dreaming about it a lot but i couldn't really put my finger on what it was...just this floaty feeling of sadness, HUUUGE sadness and aloneness.

i feel better today. i knew that i would, and i tried not to get to wrapped up in feeling awful yesterday, but it's so hard!

[sassygrrl]

That was me yesterday....I just wanted the whole world to fuck off.

Work still sucks too. They still can't tell me a straight answer about whether I will be around or not. It would be nice to know, being I am thinking of moving in Jan, if I would know if I have a job or not next month!! Bleh.

Blackcherry, that's exactly what they are doing. They're not firing me, but instead punishing me for being sick. Which was out of my control.

[candycane_girl]

I just want to make a quick comment that I feel like I am on some kind of crazy emotional rollercoaster for little to no reason. I keep feeling depressed then okay then depressed then okay and I just want to cry and hit people all at the same time. Argh!!!

[blakcherry]

sassygrrl-your work situation sounds awful. it is great that you were smart enought to save up for such a rainy day. the fact that your supervisor didn't give you a straight answer MIGHT be a little ray of hope because that was his/her opportunity to can you if he or she was so inclined. i'd imagine it would be a hard subject to bring up,so if you did the dirty work for him/her by bringing it up first, he/she could have taken advantage of the conversation to make it sound like you wanted to be let go. perhaps you are just being "punished" for missing work? one of my co-workers took a few weeks off and the boss (who is actually pretty good friends with her) was acting like an asshole towards her for a while. she thought she was going to be fired but the truth was that there was no way they'd be able to replace her in time for the office to run smoothly. anyway,to make a long story short, maybe its because they know the CAN'T fire you and it pisses them off more? i might be totally off...

[candycane_girl]

Thanks stargazer. I've sort of been doing better except that I think I'm developing a crush on a guy who's completely unavailable and it's just making me feel incredibly lonely right now.

[stargazer]

(((candycane_girl))) i'm so sorry school has been so hard for you. plus, screw that guy who made a horrible comment to you. i hope you are doing what you need to to take care of yourself.

[candycane_girl]

I'm sorry to hear about your work situation sassygirl.

I myself am having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. It's mainly because of school. We had this assignment that was worth 20% of our grade and we got it back today. I got a C as did a lot of other people apparently. Although, one of my friends got an A-. It just really pisses me off because his feedback was that I should have used this checklist thing that he made up and I felt like saying "Y'know what, I did use that fucking checklist! But since you never taught us how to properly fill it out it didn't really help me out much you fucking douche!"

I just feel like I'm doing really shitty with school right now and it's stressing me out. I feel like I can't do anything right.

In addition to this, last week a guy majorly insulted me and I just felt so upset that I ended up eating a bunch of food from Burger King and then throwing it right back up.

Ugh.

[sassygrrl]

((brutalbunny)) ((stargazer)) ((persimmon girl))

Depression hit me hard today. At work. I had bitch slapped for the 8th or 9th time by my supervisor about what a shitty job I was doing. I finally couldn't control it anymore. I went into a bathroom stall and started sobbing. This has only happened at one other job (actually my last one). So, by the time I finished crying, my eyes were bloodshot, and it honestly looked like I was stoned.

The gossip mill is such at this piece of shit job they probably thought I was smoking a joint....

They obviously want me to quit, and are not being very compassionate at all concerning (I'm mainly talking about management here) my health (not that I expected them to be), but I have been back less than a week, and it's more shit piled on top of more shit.

Luckily, I have some money to fall back on, if they do indeed can me. When I asked this directly today, my supervisor's answer was "I don't know." Could we be a little more vague?

Not to mention that it is cold and dreary out as well. It may be seasonal depression, or just this whole work bullshit. Or both. I felt better last night.


I'm going to bed now.

[stargazer]

brutalbunny~there is no shame in the feelings you are experiencing. what makes those feelings so hard is the difficulty to manage your feelings. you cannot compare yourself to otherselves, esp. in terms of how to handle your depression. some people need to be active to help with their depression, i.e. social activities. some people need emotional support, but want some physical distance. do what feels best for you right now. i would encourage you to go to your campus counselor. it sounds like you need support. your friends are not friends if they make you feel ashamed for how you feel. plus, you might need to let them know what type of support you need right now. keep posting in here if it helps. remember there is no shame in what you are experiencing right now.

[persimmon_grrrl]

dear brutalbunny:

peachypersimmon here. well, it sounds like you've still got your sense of humor, so that's always a plus!
all that peachy wahoo aside, i hear you. i think you are perfectly imperfectly normal, and that it's real common for people's moods to change with the seasons. it sort of means that you're connected to the earth. does that sound too crunchy?

the dilemma of looking for help is a tough one. you want to feel like you're being respected, and treated like you are a capable, smart person, and also that you need help. it's a vulnerable position to ask for help, especially for something that is so loaded and still stigmatized in society: therapy. psychology. the study of the soul.

so it's understandable. but the important thing, besides drinking lotsa water, forcing yourself to socialize, accepting all of your feelings unconditionally, crying and laughing spontaneously, reading cool self help books even while you are criticizing the hell out of them, is to try everything you can.

i went to my free college counseling place, and while it was not very useful for me personally, perhaps you'll find someone better fitted to sharing how you're feeling. my college had light boxes at the wimmin's center, and you could also try and get chair massage (usually cheap).

also, yeah, friends can be judgmental and take advantage when you're feeling low, in the sense that they treat you differently, in my experience. and then there are power trips that may occur, which always annoys me, since when i'm feeling down, i need more than anything to be told I CAN DO IT, and that I AM STILL AMAZING and proactive and smart and all the things i know i am.

sometimes friends have treated me like i got stupider cos i felt sad. so they'd say things like, "boston is a city in massachusetts," for example, and i'd say, "i know that it is a city in massachusetts." those friends, don't spend time with them, and if it comes to it, break up with em. i am getting a little carried away here. feeling sad doesn't make you stupid, or take away all the qualities of you that you find positive and brilliant, and they are.

but yeah. i hope this helps! keep that sense of humor. it will serve you well. try not to isolate. and feel the embarrassment and do it anyway, getting help, that is.

[brutalbunny]

I am so happy I found this thread. haha

I was nervous about saying anything since, for the most part, I tend to be level. But I am affected by seasonal shifts. The funny thing is that it's not just fall to winter, but spring to summer as well. Anyway, this year it's hit me harder than normal. It's hard for me to just get out of bed let alone leave the house by myself and do anything productive.
What's worse, is that it's totally demolishing my schoolwork. I spoke up in a class a couple weeks ago and everyone just gave me a weird look and I felt awkward, embarrassed and stupid. I haven't been to that class since because I'm afraid of what they all think of me.
I'm thinking of seeing a campus counselor, but I just... I don't want to be "crazy." I am ashamed of having emotions. Is that weird?

I guess I'm glad I'm not alone. I sort of feel guilty and bad for even having negative feelings because I know people don't like to be around that sort of thing. So I can't really talk about it to my friends because they can't understand why I feel so sad and stressed out when they are carrying similar workloads and feel fine.

Now I feel awkward and embarrassed because I think I'm rambling. jeez

[stargazer]

i don't know about the impact of mood...but, i know higher levels of progesterone increase the risk of cancer. i wish chachaheels could impart her wisdom here. i know unhealthy levels of progesterone period is not good.

[pepper]

but it raises your progesterone levels to that experience during pregnancy, no? it mimics pregnancy, in effect, so your body stops ovulating.
depression can be a side effect of becoming pregnant and also of going on the pill.
just wondering if higher levels of progesterone affect mood.

[stargazer]

pepper~no, i've read that depression is a side effect of going on birth control. it actually throws your body out of balance. reasons why bc is also linked to cancer and other illnesses.

[pepper]

hey all, my girlfriend quit taking bc pills after about 8 years and her depression has "magically" cleared right up. now isn't that interesting?
the doc told me the other day that the hormonal changes during pregnancy can trigger depression, doesn't the pill mimic that hormonal balance?

[persimmon_grrrl]

(((erinjane)))

heya blakcherry - sounds like the love potion worked...?

yeah, between the craptastic dwindling sunshine days and my period, it's quite a downer.
i definitely struggle with trying to keep my energy up during the slower winter 'drums.

ms. gb - i totally hear ya on the cost of therapy. i wish i could find folks i could talk with for cheaper, and i also wish that the sliding scale stuff wasn't so spotty and wait-intensive.

it's good to be in a forum where it's okay to feel what i'm feeling, even if it's not always super positive bouncy happy "i'm okay, you're okay".

tomorrow, i'm gonna try and be normal at my temp job.

[blakcherry]

Little_idiot:I did not consult with my doctor...I know,bad idea. But I was on anti-depressents for a few months a while ago and I recall the doc just told me to ease off slowly so I figured it would be the same deal. Is there some reason why there's a specific concern about stopping one's prescription and replacing it with Sam-e or is the without-doctor's-monitoring the only issue? I've been okay so far. I've completely stopped the Prozac and I think the Sam-e is working out well. I've been pigging out big time, but I think that has more to do with my tendency to binge out rather than anything else.

Weather often affects me adversly as well. Along with just the general doom and gloom of a day without sunshine, sometimes there atmospheric pressure change causes these mind numbing headaches that won't go away despite of how many tylenols I take.

ms.gb:you mentioned taking on a client, what is it that you do?

[ms.gb]

thanks stargazer...i've tried therapists but there were alot of issues to deal with, financial, stress, my relationships with family and mr.gb, etc. so i am taking things one at a time...which helps space the stressor points out. that includes days. some days i just have to mush thru and others i am racing, anticipating what awaits. motivation and communication are sore spots for me--so i try to make a point to connect each day with a conversation with someone. it definitely helps me.

Like yesterday, i didn't want to be at class. but i went, did a bunch of stuff and then took an older lady as a client who yacked my ear off but she left with a huge grin on her face--which made me feel accomplished.

[stargazer]

ladydupesworld~i'm kinda feeling the same way about taking meds. but, scientifically, it makes total sense why it helps. depression is both situational and/or physiological illness. i had to admit to myself that i couldn't just grin and bear it. i needed help. my mind feels calmer and more relaxed. i don't feel dulled. i just feel normal. some forms of therapy works for some and not for others. why we are different as individuals? i'm just trying not to be hard for myself that i'm on meds. letting go of that shame.

little_idiot~there's nothing dramatic about what you said about the change being hard for you in early August. it is a pattern i noticed as a counselor. we would get our chronic clients with depression sometimes as early as August. sunlight does make a difference. i remember how good i felt when i would visit out west. the sun just felt good. the weather felt good. i know what you mean about the midwest winters being hard. the combination of the holidays don't help either.

[little_idiot]

Weather has a MAJOR impact on my moods... so much so that I'm doing everything I can to make this my last winter in the midwest. There is so little sunlight here in the winter, it's suffocating. Stargazer, I'd be one of the ones who's mood starts to decline as early as August--I know winter will be here soon and I know it will be hell. I know it sounds dramatic--I think some people think it's all in our heads--but there is a direct correlation between they state of the sky and how I feel. We have looong stretches of completely overcast days here, starting around September, and lasting thru April. I'm hoping to try some light therapy this winter, esp since my new job requires me to sit in an office with almost no natural light all day.
I take SAM-e too and swear by it. It has make a big difference for me. No side effects, and mine don't have a smell to them, but that could vary by brand. Lately I've had a hard time timing the second dose (since it has to be taken on an empty stomach and my work schedule is real retarded) and I've noticed a difference since I've missed that second dose for a few days. I'm going to have to be vigilant about taking it twice a day, esp with the weather turning worse here now.

Oh, Blakcherry, did you talk to your doctor before you starting easing off the Prozac and starting the SAM-e? You should--one thing I read when I was researching SAM-e is that there is concern that people on Rx antidepressants who start taking SAM-e will stop their Rx, and that's not recommended w/out a doc's supervision. Gotta be real careful when going off that kind of drug. Good luck, I hope it works out well.