[erinjane]

Well, I ended the counselling for two reasons; 1, it was only short term 6-10 sexual assualt crisis sessions and I'd been for 7; and 2, I felt/feel like the assault issue is back on the shelf for a while and not the main thing anymore.

I felt really good for a couple of days up until the day after I quit counselling and realized that I feel the same damn way I've felt since last december. I guess I thought that by getting some amount of closure on the rape issue I would come out of this, but while I feel really good that I'm not thinking about that issue constantly, I feel as horrible as before.

And then looking back at the last 10 months I've realized how much I don't want to go out with friends, except for dinner with my three best friends, I have completely lost interest in sex, and in fact broke up with my boyfriend two weeks ago (which was good, didn't add to the bad feelings at all), I spend almost all my time in my room by myself and feeling bad and not really knowing why.

I do have a lot of family stress and when that came out in December that's when I started to feel like this, but it's only in the last few weeks that I realize how looooong I've been feeling this way and how much i've stopped going out, and how little I enjoy myself when i got out with certain groups of people.

I've been trying to get involved with the women's studies crowd and that's been going well. On saturday I went to a small party at someone's house, but I really had to force myself to go. I felt super anxious the whole evening leading up to leaving the house, but once I got there I was fine. I'm glad I did go because I had fun and then I went home and was feeling really good and positive but woke up feeling just as down as before.

When I'm crying it's sometimes nothing and sometimes I'll start thinking about something someone said to me months and months ago and it sets me off. No change in HBC, no meds, nuttin. I haven't slept well for months either. It's really bad right now. I either can't fall asleep, or if I do, I keep waking up all night. I've started smoking more pot (more being once every week or two) because I feel like it's the only time I don't have to think. It's like an escape from my constant chattering mind.

I have this doctor (useless) who I've seen a few times and never does anything for me, but I'm going to try and see her today to see if she can refer me to an actual therapist. I've got an appointment with a new doctor on November 13th. (fingers crossed) I dunno if I'm just paranoid or if this is just normal stress or what the hell is going on but I'm starting to feel like I'm at the end of my rope here. I never have thoughts of hurting myself but just crawling into bed, quiting school and work is really appealing right now.

[sassygrrl]

Got really depressed today. Although, being in a hospital for a week (seizures and severe panic attacks) and then being with my family for a week would depress anyone.

Also, dealing with the stress of getting back to work, and them not believing me. Jeebus. I felt like saying "Y'now, everyone is right. I faked a seizure, b/c I hate this job and company."

I must have cried for three hours today. Thank goodness I have therapy tomorrow night.

[maddy29]

hey erinjane-it could be that there's something going on- or it could be that you're going through a huge thing right now-with confronting and everything. could it be that? sort of leading up to the anniversary, and then feeling worse and worse, and then doing the confrontation which is of course going to make you feel awful....

can you go back to that counselor?

when you are crying, are you crying about something, or is is just like you're watching tv and all of a suddenyou're just bawling?

any change in birth control or meds in this time period?

[erinjane]

I feel a little strange posting in here. I havent been diagnosed with any form of depression, but im starting to wonder if i might have dysthymia. Anyone here suffering from itÉ(I dont know how to get my question mark back!)

Ive been feeling pretty bad since january due to family and personal stress, but in the last two months i just dont want to see anyone and i have more and more trouble sleeping, always feeling tired and achy, and in the last three weeks or so just crying like crazy. I dont know if its just normal stress but im afraid something bigger is underlying because im starting to feel like ive been feeling this way for months and months. We suspect my grandma had some form of depression and her mother had mental health problems. I dunno. I guess im just asking for some opinions, suggestions. Ive been thinking this was normal feelings for a long time but im feeling more and more helpless. Who do I talk to about thisÉ

(I was going to sexual assault crisis counselling but we ended it this week because the issues i am currently dealing dont have a lot to do with the assault. Now I wish id brought this up with her before.)

[maddy29]

i'm on 60 mg celexa, and im SURE i'll have icky withdrawals. i mean, it's a substance tha tyou are used to having in your body, so your body is now like what the heck??!!

[kelkello]

Candy, it's very possible you might be experiencing mild withdrawal symptoms. It happened to me when a dose was cut. It didn't last long, but that didn't make me feel any better at the time.

[candycane_girl]

I have a question for anyone who might be able to help. I am on Celexa right now and last week my doctor agreed to cut my dosage in half. So I've gone from taking 20mg a day to 10mg a day. This is great but sometimes I feel a bit nauseous and have headaches. Is it possible for me to experience some minor withdrawal effects of Celexa just from lowering my dose? I've been looking at stuff on the internet but most of it is people who had bad experiences because they cut out Celexa cold turkey. If anyone knows of any links or info it would be very helpful.


anaisanais, I've never been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

[anaisanais]

I may be flying in from left field here, but has anyone been diagnosed/treated/medicated for Bipolar disorder (manic depression)?

[candycane_girl]

mamiwater, I can understand your feelings about wanting to take this semester off. Especially with the pain of migraines. I've been lucky enough not to suffer from migraines but my mom gets them and I see how terrible they are. It sucks when you feel like you just can't do anything for school and everything needs to be put on hold. I hope you figure out what to do.

[opossum78]

mamiwater, i don't think you have anything to worry about in terms of a stroke, since migraines have been found to be neurological (nerve) issue rather than a vascular (vein) one. strokes involve blood supply to the brain (or lack thereof...) and although a migraine may *feel* like your veins are going to explode, they are not directly affected.

i'm currently doing prereqs for nursing, so i know how you feel about school (although i'm not doing grad just yet). i don't think you're dramatic or weird for wanting to take a break. but i do think you should push on through - just give yourself the goal of until the end of the term and then you can reassess. i find that short-term goals help me steer myself away from feeling overwhelmed and like a failure...

have you tried using feverfew to help your migraines? also, citrus fruits, chocolate and red wine (damn!) are known triggers for them.

[mamiwater]

((depressed busties)) oppossum78, I know how you feel...later on, it can feel traumatic just to think about how you felt when you were suicidal...undercurrent describes it perfectly...good luck with finding help at your school...

I have chronic migraines with severe pain (redundant i know), and after a particularly terrible two weeks, I've decided that I need to take some time off from grad school to take charge of my physical (and mental at this point) health...everyone from my advisors, to the director, to my mom tells me to stick it out, you can do it etc, so I've agreed to pick it up again on Monday...they aren't being unreasonable or mean...but I'm anxious and frustrated that I am miserable, scared, and just plain worn out...Everyone is trying to be understanding and accomodating by giving me more leeway, allowances etc...my problem is that I don't want allowances...I want to take time to get myself straight and then come back at 100 percent...people seem to think I'm weird/dramatic for wanting to take a semester off, I'm the queen of stoicism, but the pain was so bad I tried to write up a will this past week, because I thought I'd have a stroke...can I get a second opinion, busties?

x posted under chronic illness thread

[opossum78]

thanks, everyone...i haven't jumped on getting help for myself yet but i think i'm going to try the school option. i'm feeling alright today. i feel distracted and a little stimulated, so my mind is off suicide (god, i cringe thinking about it but you know when it's just an undercurrent in your life...?).

candycane, fuck 'em. i hate it too when people think they're being snarky or sarcastic but end up hurting others to boost their own ego.

[candycane_girl]

I've been feeling the same way, maddy. I mostly just feel like sleeping a lot but I'm trying to get out of that mode because I know it just makes me worse. It's just that school is getting so crazy. I'm losing track of the things I have due and I'm feeling like it's getting a bit out of control.

As for this "friend", I was talking to my other friend about it and she said "why do you stay around people like this?" and I told her that this was a first. It's like, after years of knowing this person all of a sudden she says something like that. What gets me even more is that she used to be the fattest person in our group of friends but she lost some weight and all of a sudden she thinks she's perfect or something. I don't know.

[maddy29]

dude, that's shitty! i hate those "friends" who "joke" about stuff, but really it's just an excuse for being a big meanie-pants. bleh.

i'm so impressed that you are going off your meds. i'm on celexa too-60 mg/day. i'm trying to ease back on my xanax again and hopefully this time i won't flip out-even though i'm on a low dosei think last time i tried to wean myself waaaay too fast.

the last two weeks i've been really struggling- all i REALLY want to do is curl up in my bed, smoke major amounts of weed, and just veg veg veg, put my head under the covers and not come up for like a week. I haven't been doing that at all, which is ihard! i've been trying to keep to my normal schedule and not miss work or appointments, as that just leaves me feeling so guilty later. it's hard though, when that's really all i want ot do.

[candycane_girl]

opossum, good for you for at least looking into getting help. I think what everyone has said so far is basically all you can do. Just keep looking, and if confession makes you feel better than go for it.

Things have been going sort of okay for me. Yesterday my doctor gave me another prescription for Celexa only this time he cut the dose in half! I really want to get off of meds but he said it would still be another 9 months (6 minimum) that I would need to stay on it. Oh well.

The rest of the day went okay until one of my so-called friends joked that I look pregnant. Those weren't her exact words but either way, it stung. I'm fat, I know I'm fat. I don't need to be reminded. Fuck, it makes me wish I could just starve myself.

[maddy29]

definitely check out what your school has to offer. A lot of schools have free short term counseling and then they can link you up with someone for long term.

Get some good numbers of crisis lines-or "warm lines" which are places you can call and just talk, even when you aren't in "crisis." Their goal is to prevent crisis in the first place.

Check out the church too-just try a few things out-i know it's hard but you definitely need someone to talk to, and probably some meds too, given that you are suicidal.

And you aren't derailing at all! this is exactly what this thread is for!

[lilacwine13]

*delurks*

I've heard of free health clinics, but I'm not sure where I would be able to find one in my area.

Try asking some therapists if they have a sliding fee scale, which means you pay what you can afford. I've done that a couple times and it did help. Also, some therapists offer a reduced rate if they find out you either don't have insurance or don't have a lot of money. You just need to ask around (which I know is very difficult sometimes, but it is worth it).

Asking someone at your school is a good idea, they should know where to go if you're having problems, and someone at the church should know too. If you're really going through a difficult time, try calling a crisis line just for someone to talk to. Often they know of organizations and groups you could get help from as well. Good luck.

*relurks*

[opossum78]

thanks...

i'm thinking of even going to *shudder* confession - not for the purpose of absolution but just to talk to someone for free. i was raised catholic so i at least know what i'm getting into here.

i think paid leave would definitely affect your mood in a positive way - you don't have to worry about survival during that time. good luck with that!

[pepper]

this thread is here for people to discuss depression, you haven't derailed it at all.

i don't live in the US but when i did for a couple of months i got free health care at a drop in clinic. do those only exist in san fran or are they everywhere?
the school may very well have something for you, or a church group. i went to women's counselling with a catholic group when i was assaulted by a boyfriend. they never pushed religion, ever, and it was very helpful. good luck.

i'm feeling a bit better. not sure if it's the st john's wort or the relief of knowing that i have paid time off from work until january. prolly that last one. no pressure.
why am i still so dang busy then? weird.

[opossum78]

hey...i hope this isn't too far off topic but i'm wondering if anyone out there knows about therapy in the absence of health insurance. i'm in a bad state right now...also, my boyfriend said he'd move out unless i sought help. i've been suicidal lately and i'm even thinking of popping into a church to talk to someone...! i'm going to look into what my school has to offer, but i'm so preoccupied and disorganized right now.

any thoughts?

again, sorry to derail the thread...